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#1
Apr 18, 2011, 08:50 PM
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Hey,
I've been feeling a little low self esteem lately. I have met some people that I network with and when I'm around them, I get very nervous and feel low. Probably because I have this pressure from my family to maintain a certain image. It gets very stressful. How do i cope with this? When one of the persons names all these high end brands and expects me to know them, and sometimes I don't know them, end up feeling inadequate. I don't know why. Also, becauseI'm from US, sometimes she expects me to know certain tv shows and I don't, then i feel stupid again. Its usually just around her. This is a bit odd but she's the same chinese astrology sign as my sexual abuser. So, I automatically get nervous at times... ugh. Please help. I also feel very alone. I don't know how to open up to anyone, actually I don't know who to open up to. I don't have close family, they're dysfunctional so I only keep in touch with my mom, but I can't share anything with her, she stresses me out more. Second part: I also happen to like one of the guys in this group but I can't tell him I do, because then it'll ruin our whole friendship thing. But he flirts with me A LOT. and I like him now A LOT. How do i guard myself and stop from having feelings for him? thanks. |
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#2
Apr 20, 2011, 11:56 AM
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Well even though I have my own things to deal with I feel your pain and the heart wants what the heart wants.
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 Distressed2010
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#3
Apr 20, 2011, 04:43 PM
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Some thoughts on your post:
You are wise to recognize that your family has limitations and you need to be on your own in dealing with things, that they can't help. This is a sign of maturity and wiseness in you; give yourself a pat on the back and notch one up in your self-esteem for learning this and dealing with it! The person who makes you feel inadequate because you don't know everything having to do with TV and high-end brands is showing their insecurity and lack of matruity. There is nothing wrong with not knowing everything about such topics. If you knew everything, I wouldn't like you as well--I'd think you were spending too much time and making too much impotance on really insignificat things. So, add another notch to your self-esteem; you pass the "I don't deal exclusively with trivial topics" test. I also think perhaps you are being too critical of yourself on the "opening up" score. You have shared with us here, some intimate thoughts, and expressed yourself very well. Most of us only have 1-2 true friends in a lifetime. The others are all superficial aquaintances. Over time, you'll develop some good friends, I do believe. Sounds like you are starting now. Go ahead and flirt, and have a good time. What can it hurt? If you can never actually meet, go ahead and enjoy what is here. Like him all you want--you don't have to tell him, do you? Just enjoy whatever happens. |
| Distressed2010, Open Eyes
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#4
Apr 20, 2011, 05:30 PM
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Quote:
 Why not go out with him? As for this other girl... just try your hardest to be yourself. If you feel anxious around this woman it is probably because she is giving off vibes, which means she is also anxious or shy or hiding some past hurts. I try to keep this in mind. What I mean is, it probably isn't you, it's her. It's really OK to not know the brands or stuff she is talking about. Just smile and listen. That kind of stuff doesn't hold much importance anyway. She'll just be glad you listen to her... I'm sorry to hear about feeling lonely. I know how you feel. You can always chat with us here on pc. Plus, maybe you can open up to this guy? Does he seem like a good person? Elana
__________________
Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
| Distressed2010, Open Eyes
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#5
Apr 20, 2011, 05:51 PM
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I agree with others that things like expensive brands and t.v. shows are very superficial. I think it's a badge of honor to not know about them. I also struggle a lot with self-esteem, and I let it get in the way of finding romance, which I deeply regret. If you have feelings for him, let him know. There's no harm in taking a risk, if he's a good person.
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| Distressed2010, Open Eyes
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#6
Apr 22, 2011, 05:57 AM
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thanks everyone for the responses.
I'm so confused now. I opened up to the guy about liking him, and a day earlier I got mad at him because he keeps using this one cuss word eventough I dont like it. So he's a bit immature. So i got mad at him and his friend was joking about something sexual between me and my crush, and I said no i'd never get with him. I was extremely angry that he wouldnt' stop using that cuss word. So now, he's got that in his head and keeps telling me im' not his type eventhough i told him I didn't mean what i said i was angry. Now he says he's not relationship type and whatever was there between us isn't there anymore, blah blha, then he also said not now, maybe something later will be there.. then more conversation, and I said i'm so confused whats going on??? he said think about it and figure it out. UGH. and now he's a bit distant with me. I feel like he's manipulating me or playing with my head. Either he likes me and is scared or he likes me and is pissed i said i'd never get with him. idk what to think. Should i just forget him? I really really really like him, everyone sees so much chemistry between us because when we're around, its just me and him and the rest of the group on the other side... |
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#7
Apr 22, 2011, 03:05 PM
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Hi There,
Well I have to say, the way he is acting does sound really immature. When I guy says, "I'm not the relationship type" I read into it "I'm only in it for sex." But that's me, anyone feel free to disagree. I would drop him.  You sound like an awesome person, D2010, and I think you could and should find someone who is more on your level. Hold out for someone who isn't immature. Someone who respects you as a person and doesn't use that annoying swear word or say things like "whatever was there between us isn't there anymore... blah blah." And being emotionally distant means he just doesn't know how to communicate or use his words. Now I'm getting snippy. lol. I hope this isn't too forward of me...
__________________
Keep this in mind, that you are important. |
| Distressed2010
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#8
Apr 22, 2011, 03:58 PM
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Hi Distressed,
There is some good advice here and some phrases that mean that you should be allowed to be your own person and that you are just learning to take steps in that direction. RELAX, you are never going to know it all, you are going to be learning and growing the rest of your life. Your life is not about accomadating others or fitting into the guidlines of others. When you have bad experiences in your past, learn from them and see what you can do to avoid experiencing them now and in your future. It takes time to establish self identity for anyone and we work on it all thru life. Just because you don't know something doesn't mean you can't learn about it. When someone treats you badly walk away, find someone else that is willing to share with you. Not everyone is going to like you, and you are not going to like everyone either, it is ok not to like someone. Go and grow and stop worring, learn about you and go for what you want. Don't let others pick your life for you. It is your life, not theirs. Open Eyes 
Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 22, 2011 at 04:00 PM. Reason: just to add |
| Distressed2010
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#9
Apr 22, 2011, 09:23 PM
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I came here to PC because I was not doing well and I really needed support. Well, there were not any local groups and I happened across this site while I was searching. Now, talk about not knowing stuff. I have been a very busy person and I did have some issues when I first got the computer so I stayed away from it for a while until, it was the new way of the world and I had to learn more. But I am still very new to it Distressed. Well, I joined PC and I tried to participate with my little bit of knowledge about my computer. Distressed, I have never been a chat anywhere, I haven't twittered or facebooked or whatever the new thing is now. And, my cell phone is probably one of first. I don't even know how to text yet. I haven't had the money or time to do any of that within my situation and you can read my profile about me for that. Now, when I came here I had to learn how to chat. So I did go into chat and I would ask people questions to try get an idea of who they were or how old they were. I had not really found my way around PC yet and I didn't realize that it was a world chat. I just didn't know, I was indeed a newbee. And, in chat I had no idea, that you could click on someones name and see their profile. I had no idea that you could wisper, I just didn't know Distressed. People probably thought I was an idot. I did try to say I was new but they just assumed that I knew more than I did. And, it kinda blew up in my face. I was also on a medication and I never talked to anyone while I was on it. And, I had to learn about that too and I am not a fan of medication to begin with. I am not a spring chicken, visit my site, do you see any pictures? Nope, don't know how to do that yet either. But guess what, I am here and I am posting, had to learn about that too. And, eventually, I will figure the picture thing out, I just havent had the time. So, Distressed, what does that tell you? I almost left PC, thinking I did something wrong. But, then I thought of my first pony. Well, I tried to ride him and he bucked me off. I tried again, off. But I did get back on that little bugger and I hung on and I won. I figured out how to keep his head up and he could not get his hind legs up as high and I then learned how to ride the ride. And the pony stopped bucking altogether. Every time you try to grow and meet people, it is like going fishing. You throw your line in the water and you might catch something and you don't always know what you have on the line until you get it up where you can see it. And some fish fight harder than others and some of them break free and you never really get to see what is on the end of your line. That is life. Go fish, it can be fun. Every time you feel foolish or just don't know remember me, getting bucked off or learning the hard way on PC. I have made friends here and I am getting support and giving support. Open Eyes
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| Distressed2010
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#10
Apr 24, 2011, 09:50 PM
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Hi Open Eyes, thanks for the responses. Theres a new development.
Now everyone in the group knows I like him and I'm pretty embarrassed. I got drunk last night, asked him once again and he said I told you I'm not commitment type. And then he also showed me who he liked yesterday and told me he'd commit to the right girl, etc. I am hurt. His sister also passes comments like "he's probably out with a new girl" and "oh haha its never going to happen" when people talk about me and him. UGH. please help! I'm hurt and embarrassed at the same time. |
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#11
Apr 25, 2011, 09:10 AM
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OH, ((((((((Distressed))))))) Im sorry for their behavior, they are not nice people, they are punishing you just for liking someone, shame on them. I think that you are swiming in a school of stinging jelly fish. And, you need to get away from them. And they have hurt you. But, Distressed, when people behave this way, it does not mean that you are at fault or a bad person, you DO have to stop taking it personally and move away. Sometimes we end up in groups of bad people and we judge ourselves because we are one against several. You have to realize this, "Birds of a feather flock together". You really need to find other friends, these people are not friends, they do not respect you. As far as the boy is concerned, he likes someone else, and he has told you. BUT the way he has told you is bad behavior on his part. He should have told you that he is honored that you do care and that you can be friends but he is interested in another person. It is helpful to put yourself in the others position too, what if someone liked you and your feelings were not mutual, and instead you preferred someone else, what would you say to this person? I don't know your age but if you are younger I will tell you that often younger people do not have good people skills and can be very selfish. Often the younger crowd can be mean as they feel it is some sort of power. They can often be very inconsiderate of the feelings of their piers. I know how you feel, it happens to many of us, we like someone and they don't like us and it can hurt. Just think of it as, you are better off, if you had developed a relationship you would have only been hurt or disappointed down the road. I hope that helps Distressed, Open Eyes
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| Distressed2010
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#12
Apr 25, 2011, 10:23 AM
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Hi thanks so much open eyes for the input. That really helps. I am 27 and yes they are all younger. the guy is 25. and his sis is around 20. The guy seems really sheltered. Idk sometimes I feel he likes me but maybe his sis doesnt want him to date me so he's backing off.. like he does things that make me feel that. he'll hug me, not in a perverted way but in a caring way. and he'll tell me to call him when i get home when he drops me off by my building... but then he also said he's scared of committment and he'd only commit to the right girl, etc.. i'm so confused. his actions speak differently than his words. he doesnt call or text me anymore but whenever i see him in the group, he finds a way to hug me, many times. we went to the movies and his arm was in my arms for half the movie.. etc things like that. |
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#13
Apr 25, 2011, 10:51 AM
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| Distressed2010
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#14
Apr 25, 2011, 04:22 PM
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Thank you Onlineuser Open Eyes 
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| Distressed2010, online user
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#15
Apr 25, 2011, 04:52 PM
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(((((((Distressed))))))))
I thought about it some more. I do agree with Onlineuser. And the methods are good FOR WALKING AWAY. BUT, YOU NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE WALKING AWAY FROM. And it is important because you don't want to end up having this happen to you again. And, won't be Distressed all your life. So, here you go: The sister is the controling force in this senario. The sister needs to have CONTROL. She doesn't care about any of the others in the senario, not even her brother, her main goal is CONTROL. Now you are going to meet others like her and so you better take a good look at her and what she says and does. Whoever ends up with her is going to have a miserable life and she is never going to be happy unless she has control. (That is her weakness) You have to take note of that because you may see it in a potential mate, not good for you at all. The brother: This is a young man that has had to deal with this controling sibling all his life, but you have to look at him too because who ever ends up with him is going to not only have to deal with his sister, but is going to have to deal with his not being in control of himself and he will be working on that for a long time. Not the man for you dear and so you have to take note of him too. What he is doing with you is using you as a sort of pawn, testing his sister, remember he is going to be working on this for a long time. He wants control but his sister wont let him have it. You are in the middle of a control issue, and he is huging you because your are a nice person but, he is also testing his sister's control. That is not a good place for you AT ALL. Now for the others: The others are teasing you too because they too are in control of the sister. They are no better because they are only oppressed by the sister and only act to please her. You have think about them too because you will see this again too. And none of these people are someone you want to spend any time with because all you will learn is how to be controlled. Now Distressed do you see where you fit into this picture? Do you see all the different players now? This is actually something very good to look at now and get out your notebook because, this senario holds everything that you do NOT want. None of these people are people that will make you happy or feel important or even feel any sense of security. Because you are a nice person you don't see this and they all like it because they can use you in their game. This is why you need to learn the techniques that Onlineuser is giving you. It is for your own protection against these kinds of people. And dear, they are everywhere and they will always make you feel DISTRESSED. You have to learn to walk away and they may try to pursue you, because they need you for the game, the control. That is why you use Onlineusers methods. You don't want them pursueing you AT ALL. You need to make a clean break and NEVER LOOK BACK. BUT REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAW. IT IS IMPORTANT. IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO AVOID IN THE FUTURE. Do you see it Distressed? There is your real answer, take it and move on and remember where not to go again. There is someone out there for you. But it has to be someone that will complement the nice person that you are, not control the nice person that you are. Open Eyes Last edited by Open Eyes; Apr 25, 2011 at 06:01 PM. |
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#16
Apr 26, 2011, 02:00 AM
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Hey Open Eyes, thanks so much. You're so sweet! you took the time to break it all down for me. I understand and see most of the stuff you just said. I do agree that the sister is mean and has to be in control. Also her friend that passed the stuff to her is her devotee, everyone says he is in the group as well.. he's always trying to please her. Also, the guy i like gives her the control, and he likes it that way... I don't feel like he wants the control. she manages his whole career. the parents also like it that way becuase they think the guy is too naive or shy.. etc.. eventhough the guy is elder by like 4 years to her. he's also been taught that no one in the world is above his family. i will be using online user's techniques to deal with this. the thing is i have to hang with these people. i can't not do it because i'm networking with them. so i better learn to deal with it rather than run away, your'e right there will be all sorts of people everywhere but i suck at playing games and so i suck at identifying them too. I'm also mad at myself for revealing this stuff to the mutual friend, i knew that he'd pass it around but i still said it because it was bothering me. i had thought he knew something i didn't. and i still feel that the guy does or did have something for me. but something happened in the middle. idont know how the friend passed on the story to them, and could be that the friend is jealous of this guy because he's got girls around him all the time.. they might be competing.. or anything might be going on which i dont know. or it could be that he isn't into me. I'm trying to move on from this, but i keep shifting between feeling ashamed, and liking him and thinking he likes me back and is scared, and him not liking me at all... aagh. sometimes i tell myself forget about him. then 10 mins later i'm thinking about him again. |
| online user
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#17
Apr 26, 2011, 02:01 AM
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Quote:
Quote:
Hey Open Eyes, thanks so much. You're so sweet! you took the time to break it all down for me. I understand and see most of the stuff you just said. I do agree that the sister is mean and has to be in control. Also her friend that passed the stuff to her is her devotee, everyone says he is in the group as well.. he's always trying to please her. Also, the guy i like gives her the control, and he likes it that way... I don't feel like he wants the control. she manages his whole career. the parents also like it that way becuase they think the guy is too naive or shy.. etc.. eventhough the guy is elder by like 4 years to her. he's also been taught that no one in the world is above his family. i will be using online user's techniques to deal with this. the thing is i have to hang with these people. i can't not do it because i'm networking with them. so i better learn to deal with it rather than run away, your'e right there will be all sorts of people everywhere but i suck at playing games and so i suck at identifying them too. I'm also mad at myself for revealing this stuff to the mutual friend, i knew that he'd pass it around but i still said it because it was bothering me. i had thought he knew something i didn't. and i still feel that the guy does or did have something for me. but something happened in the middle. idont know how the friend passed on the story to them, and could be that the friend is jealous of this guy because he's got girls around him all the time.. they might be competing.. or anything might be going on which i dont know. or it could be that he isn't into me. I'm trying to move on from this, but i keep shifting between feeling ashamed, and liking him and thinking he likes me back and is scared, and him not liking me at all... aagh. sometimes i tell myself forget about him. then 10 mins later i'm thinking about him again. And i noticed this thing in me. I am really really attracted to guys that have been controlled. for some reason they seem very sweet to me. but then the catch is that they're also being controlled by a stronger force than me, like someone in their family. I need to know how to control my own mind, since i have a very analytical brain. it sucks. |
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#18
Apr 26, 2011, 02:18 PM
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I do hope you realize what you are saying, and how that decision will continue to frustrate you. Remember, birds of a feather flock together. I also have a very anaylitical brain. So I have addressed similar issues and as a matter of fact, I wish that I had someone to explain it to me as I am doing to you. I would have been able to better analyze the situation and it's meaning. You really have to be careful about putting yourself out there to be used and abused. While you now may be able to see it better, and even try out Onlineusers way of addressing it, I caution that you are still going to feel uncomfortable. And, you may end up being one of those that joins in pleasing the controling entity. You being attracted to the guys that have been controled is misleading. The reason why you have feelings for them is two sided. First, you have been controled yourself, and even hurt, and left to feel defenseless. And, there is also some safety in that you know this other person has been controled somehow which can mean that you may be able to control their relationship with you, it a safety thing for you. But, it is not always very healthy as you may be making up for the mistakes of others and there will be a feeling on his part of not allowing you to fully form a relationship. Just keep this all in mind and don't forget your notebook. Make sure that you are not continuing to put yourself out there because you have a little low self esteem. You need to work on that, build up some strength. Positive strength that will put you in the place you really want to be Distressed. Open Eyes
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| Distressed2010
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#19
Apr 26, 2011, 03:52 PM
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Thank you open eyes so very much for breaking stuff down for me. For now, yes I do have to sort of keep on good terms with them as they really are the onlypeople i can network with.. hopefully as time passes i can establish connections with others and I can sort of distance myself from them...
Also, the fact that all this happened made me really angry and pick up my butt and get to work. I do think about the guy but i'm not gushing over him like i used to. Now if someone jokes about him and i, i'll just joke back in a sarcastic way, not mean but sarcastic enough and smile... I'm also going to keep an emotional distance from them, not expect validation from them, and its odd, I kind of feel a little more confident today.. and in control. I feel that I should not feel lesser than them just coz they're trying to make me feel that way. I see their immaturity and meanness now.. and the game you defined above. thanks for that. it opened my eyes. its odd how all this actually made me more motivated to succeed career-wise.. There's also this issue of whenever I really like someone (which is very rare, VERY very rare), i fall for them immediately as in, I crash in love... and then there are hearts buttterflys and all gooey things around me... and i lose it. I dont understand why i'm like that, but i am. Also I abstain from having sex, unless i'm in a relationship... and usually i'll have a relationship every two years or so.. its like, when i like someone, i love them, and when i dont like someone, they dont exist for me.. |
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#20
Apr 26, 2011, 04:00 PM
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the only thing that is also bothering me now is that i get this urge to see a picture of the girl he likes, just to see if she's prettier than me. I won't be able to move past this until i see her and do an analysis.
How can i control my urge? its super hard. I should be sleeping but I've been up coz this thing is revolving in my head, I really want to see it... is this normal? |
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#21
Apr 27, 2011, 08:25 PM
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[quote=Distressed2010;1821536]the only thing that is also bothering me now is that i get this urge to see a picture of the girl he likes, just to see if she's prettier than me. I won't be able to move past this until i see her and do an analysis.
How can i control my urge? its super hard. I should be sleeping but I've been up coz this thing is revolving in my head, I really want to see it... is this normal?[/quote HELLLLLO DEAR, I am sliding in for that catch, yes, got it. LOL Well, if you get the picture can you post it and lets all see?  This is called natural curiousity. The urge you have is very normal. You are not inspecting her, you are questioning yourself. See what these people have done? They have made you question yourself. I came along and told you the game, and you felt better. You even wanted to look for work and get going. But now you are doubting yourself again. Even if you had her picture, you would not really see what this guy sees. He may be just looking at a lay. This is what his age is dear. And if you do get the picture you will not be seeing her mind. He isn't either, it is all compulsive to him. This girl may be a girl that has none of your qualities. It may be a girl that he can use and discard. And by the way you describe of this crew that is what they do, use, abuse, and discard. Actually if this girl is someone that the sister approves of? That doesn't say much to me either. There is something that you are not getting here. YOU ARE A NICE PERSON, YOU DO NOT BELONG WITH THEM, AND THEY KNOW IT. That is why they don't like you. You like to analyze, and this situation is catching your interest. But the effort is only useful if you understand that these people are not anything that you are ever going to feel any comfort with. The personality combination here is negetive and it is also abusive and these people are the ones that are insecure. This is why they play their game, it is all about how well they can control to make themselves look good. But the good they are after is futile. The people that politic like this are exibiting psycopathic behavior. What this means is that they seek control without remorse. These people are bad Karma collectors. Why do you want to hang with them? Look at it this way, if this guy ends up getting this girl, look what she is in for, MISERY. Talk about Distressed, no no no. Distressed, you are at the age where women are hormonally primed to reproduce. This is a trick dear, natures trick and it is very powerful. So, this is why you dive the way you do. You see a good diving spot and you just put your arms up and dive. So, you have fight this a little and use your head. And, that can be hard because you are in the drive for nature's desire. And my dear, so is that guy, but he is not looking for a steady, no where near a life long thing. And he lets his little sister control him? What is left for any potential mate? I am telling you, it just isn't there, get some sleep, it is not worth your brain space. You do need to find some people that you can grow with and that doesn't necessarily mean a group. People in groups tend to play games so you have to be careful. The best group of people to look for is a group that is working towards something a real product or activity, not social control. I think you had a good idea about looking for work, that is time well spent. That may be a place that has a productive group depending on what the job entails. Ok? Open Eyes
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| Distressed2010
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#22
Apr 28, 2011, 03:46 AM
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Thanks open eyes for the detailed response
helps quiet a bit!!I understand everything your saying but somehow my intuition still stops me from thinking this guy would have used me, he seemed really caring then all of a sudden he backed off.. i feel like he's been hurt either because everything's out in the open or something's there that I don't know. Because now he's quiet rude to me. Before, he was SUPER caring towards me. Yesterday, he actually snapped at me a couple times, and I finally just got up from dinner and left. Everyone kept asking what happened, i said nothing. But they understood. So I still like him, but I'm okay with keeping seperation from him... the only thing that i see hurting me is if he brings some girl with him and is smooching her all over the place. I did feel pretty weak when his sis passed comments, but last night i passed the same comments. Also, I've understood this group quiet well like you say, and i've promised myself not to leak anything personal into it, its a river, it'll flow all over the place. I stay strong with them now Somehow my self esteem is back probably because now I see its more of an issue of THEIR insecurities and not mine? Thankyou so much for helping me see clearly. I so very much appreciate it.
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#23
Apr 28, 2011, 08:50 AM
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Your replies are showing me that you are using your head much better now, in a more mature, intellectual way. Good for you. This behavior with this young man being mean to you is, infact showing you that he is very much similar to his sister. He has been learning from her behavior and now he is showing you who he really is by being mean to you. You were in their game and now you are not. They are being challenged and they don''t like feeling the loss of control over you. Using you anaylitical mind to stand back and observe this without feeling hurt, is very important. You have tested your own skill for resisting bad behavior and walking away from it, good, but it takes time and practice. You have to remember to use your head and not fall into feeling a loss of self esteem. Building up your own self esteem is your goal here. Some of your attraction to the situation is that you want to learn how to protect your self esteem. You have faced many different attacks on your self esteem with these people and you have received mixed messages that you havent figured out yet. Because you are a nice person and you really do not want to harm others, you are looking for the good in each person and wondering how to focus on that or even bring it out. In some way good is reaching out for good. This is what many nice, good hearted people do not understand. They wish to be good and when they get bad in return, they do not understand. Actually, within the brain, the equasion does not work out, the brain seeks balance, and trys to find that balance with each attempt you make. As a matter of fact I have experienced this myself over the holiday and though I made every effort to respond to negetive with a positive, I had failed to bring out any positive in the other person. So, I did my best to at least give the other person some ways of being a more positive balanced person and then I walked away. You have to understand Distressed that other people you come across can have issues that you cannot fix with your goodness or being good. You have to learn to protect you own goodness and remember that every time you cannot find balance in another person, that means you never will and walk away. You cannot let your own self esteem be damaged. You have to understand that it is not you or that you failed, it is the other person who failed to see their poor life skills and values and negetive output. Many people form Social Phobias because they either seem to fail whenever their goodness is attacked or used, or if a person is the opposite, they are negetive toward others all the time so they end up being alone. Many times negetive people are people that may have been over controled by a parent and so they spend their life repelling any form of control, even when someone if trying to be genuinely nice. Nice people also form fears because they cannot seem to use their positive and find a positive. Sometimes a young child that is very good hearted gets constant negetive input and faces negetive control so much that they end up retreating altogether with low self esteem and they tend to be over critical of themselves. You were doing that in your first Post as you were beginning to become, OH, its me, its my fault, I am not worthy and so on. And what I have done for you is point out that you were only being used and manipulated. After thinking about it you felt better and your self esteem came back. But, you still came back and said, Oh I still have to be around these people I have no other way of meeting others. You are allowing yourself to put your self esteem back into jepordy. We all put our self esteem in jepordy everytime we converse or socialize with others. The important thing is to recognize the people and personalities that will not respond favorably. Many people view socializing as a control issue, both with good people, and with people with social problems, so it is important for you to learn about it so that you are not constantly putting your self esteem at risk. The only one you can really control is yourself, you cannot control others. So you have to know that going into any social situation, thus you begin to build self esteem. Those that learn to do this and are strong and protect their self esteem all the time, are often a draw for others who wish to do the same. But within that draw, comes different forms of lacking true self esteem, both positive and negetive. See? Open Eyes
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| Distressed2010
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#24
Apr 28, 2011, 09:10 AM
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How does Open Eye know this?
Well, good question. I have spent much of my life working with children. It has actually been my job to give children enough self esteem to say, I can ride this horse, I can learn. Within all the different children I have worked with I have seen different patterns and different ways in which their self esteem has been attacked. I have been left with the job of building up their self esteem so that they can walk away from me, not only learning how to ride better, but that they have been given permission to work on their self esteem and, it has been a pleasant experience for them. I always wait for the moment when I know they will walk away from me with a smile. All my lessons were private, one on one and within each lesson was an individual lesson program designed around each child's weak area's no matter what they were. And, I also, at the end of each lesson would walk down my driveway with the child and animal and talk, there I would listen to their difficulties with their self esteem. They did not know what I was doing, they just knew that I would listen and help them. So, I saw all the different ways that self esteem was being threatened. I even witnessed parents that constantly, unknowingly put their childs self esteem at risk. I even saw how children struggled within their own family social atmosphere and their self esteem was at risk from a sibling or even outside the family where their self esteem was at risk with other children at school. And there were also situations where they were threatened by a divorce between parents and they were stuck in the middle of a control between the parents. So, my advice to you is based on what I saw and how I had to work with each childs self esteem. I was very loved and appreciated by each child and have been visited by children when they are older and have realized where they found their strength. Open Eyes |
| Distressed2010
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#25
Apr 28, 2011, 02:27 PM
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Thank you so very much open eyes for spending the time to explain everything to to me throughout this situation! you really did help me cope very well. Thank you so much! You're awesome!
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