The real world

The real world is mindless and irrational. It's actually a lot like the reality show Big Brother, only with a longer time line. We the people are the competitors, and our "Big Brother" is the bureaucracy, government, who gets to mindlessly rule us without questioning. If you break their rules you're out of the game.

In the real world there is no movie-like beauty in pain, despair and death. Everything is ugly, dull and grey. The world doesn't care about you. Death and pain doesn't matter, it doesn't stop the world. There will be no great sorrow for the loss of one insignificant life. You are all alone, there will be no-one to save you. There's no heroes in the real world, no great courage, nothing especially good to hold on to. Sometimes there just isn't any hope.

In the real world there is no happy endings, no living "happily ever after". At best you can learn to endure the real world, but what if that's just not enough? Well, too bad then. In the real world there's nothing more that can be done.

There is no great enemy we could all fight against together. The evil won't be destroyed in the end. Infact, there IS no endings in the real world. Bad things will never stop happening.

So what is the point? WHY am I here? What am I holding on to?

sigh. I don't know why you're here...I don't even "know" why I'm still here... it's perhaps the cruel joke of the universe to make us live our whole lives searching the reason why, only to find out right before we die!? As for the tangible reason why I'm still around, it's my T who keeps me going... he has enough hope for me... makes me think that there might be a good reason to do that (stick around...) You need someone like that,too... someone who will have "hope in hell" for you (as another member here has phrased it) TC... depression gets so dark.. I know... I'm hanging onto the edge, feet dangling... and fading fast myself...

I know the real world has great things to offer. for one my son. for another the fantastic friend that I have had for years some reach back 20 years. I also know from actively participating in such things as my states government task force that there are people who do what whats best in the world and will do anything to make the world a better place so I hold on and add to t he worlds wonderful gifts by offering help where I can which in turn helps me.

I remember one time I felt like you. and I had had enough. I climbed out of bed and started walking to the bathroom to end it all. in the process I stepped on my self help textbook my support group was working in. I decided before I leave this god forsaken place I would write to the author and let her know what I thought of her book and how my the support group was using it. That one page letter turned into many and not short of 10 pages. Then I put it into an evelop, addressed and stamped it and even though it was the middle of the night I walked that letter to the nearest mailbox on a corner. Once mailed I of course couldnt kill myself for four days so she would have a chance to get that letter clear accross country. The four days came and I decided I had to wait another 4 days because what if she wrote back and I wasnt there. That would just be rude and I would be like the rest of this uncaring world. This would make it 8 days from my mailing date. On the 7th day I opened my mailbox and there was a letter from this author asking me not to leave this world and then told me how my life matches hers and she gave me a reason to hang on. I worte back and she wrote back again. Everytime I wrore she wrote. She refused to give up on me. That was 14 years ago and she is still there showing me I'm worth her time even though she is now world reknown. No matter what I bring her way she's there. I have since taken to looking for lifes gifts within the heartaches, problems and letdowns. So much so that sometimes I even amaze my friend as her last two sentence email showed when she wrote ---"you are just going to keep finding hope in hell aren't you. They don't call us survivors for nothing"

Like one of my lifes gifts is my author friend who I never expected (but hoped) would write back once let alone be there for 14 years and still going strong theres a lifes gift out there for you. just hang on it happens in the most unexpected ways. Take care.

This is tough.

Neri, I believe what you say. I think we have to find a way through it. There is beauty in the world and there can be more than "merely surviving" that makes it worth it. You are right, evil is never destroyed, we are all alone, no happy endings. But we can find good within ourselves, find our own courage, connect with others so that we have help and support, become our own heroes, and continue the journey.

Problem is depression won't let us see or do any of that. I know and feel how much you are hurting. Please don't give up hope. We are here to help with the "alone" part and hopefully some of the others.

Bad things will never stop happening but good things will also never stop happening. We can seek out these good things and choose to increase the amount of "good" by our thoughts and actions.

Something for everyone to think about... when you post about feeling bad here, you give others the opportunity to help, understand, offer support and kindness. Which increases the amount of good in the world.

So I'd say for right now your "part" in life is to keep working to feel better, take care of yourself, and allow others to help you. And have some faith and believe us when we say that there is color and brilliance out there waiting for you if you can get through this.

I haven't had hope for years, my T doesn't give me hope. I haven't noticed if she has tried, I've become so numb to all the talk about hope. I can't see it, it's not there.

( for the rough writing, I haven't slept for a while)

No heroes, no-one to save me, utter loneliness... only ourselves.. But I'm not enough for me. I don't think finding courage inside myself would make me feel any better. I would mock the part of me trying to be a hero. There's always more bad things than good things. I didn't ask to be born, so why am I punished? Why am I here when other people ...good, happy people with an actual desire to be here... get taken away? Why am I left to linger here, when I don't want to?

The problem is... that I'm just hanging here. I can't really "not be here" without doing something about it. I exist, that's pretty much all. I don't even care anymore. Haven't for a long time. It's not some greater reason of life I'm looking for (this time), I'd just want to know why am I afraid to let go.. or why am I stuck in this "nothingness". Those are maybe more retorical questions, I think I know "why", I just don't understand it.. Well anyway, I don't think I have to find a way trough this, when I would so much rather give up. Unfortunately giving up is tough too. Even more so..

I'm probably not making any sense...

And just now my friend told me her friend's boyfriend was shot in his bedroom. The REAL world is crazy....

Neri for what it is worth I wish I did not exist..I do not see the world as bleak I think as you do but all in all..I would if I could vote to not have created me....sounds so bad when I read it ....I wake most days disappointed I woke up....I would not DO anything to end it all but all in all it sucks now and I dont see a good tomorrow coming.....I imagine there is but I just dont see it..and maybe that means its US we are not seeing the good to come..I hope so anyhow

HUGS AND SORRY YOU FEEL SO CRAPPY