[goggles]

Howdy all. I hope everyone is doing OK today/tonight.

God I just feel like throwing some kind of fit of frustration with myself.
I'm feeling quite low tonight. I've been out with a long-term friend of
mine this evening and I felt so distant from her. She was really upbeat
and excited about life and I was feeling pretty awful. Very anxious and low. I think the dark nights have got a lot to do with how I'm feeling.

Anyway, I didn't feel I could tell her this because everything I was saying was pretty negative already. I felt if I told her how I was feeling
this would just finish me off in my eyes and hers if you see what I mean.
I probably wouldn't feel so bad if I hadn't seen her and just had to deal with my symptoms alone.

As the time passed and I continued to be down in her presence I felt worse and worse about myself.

She's been a friend of mine for years and we've had a lot of fun together and intimate conversations but when it comes to my depression, my anxiety and my stay in hospital, perhaps it is just too much for her to understand. I really don't feel I can be down in her presence. I've tried to discuss these things and I suppose I've felt patronised by her really. God depression is a *****. When you most need people they can't bear to be near you, so it seems.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm flogging a dead horse. Maybe we just haven't got that much in common anymore. I don't get excited about going out with her and my other friends anymore. We have different tastes in music, clubs, clothes. There's a party on friday night and I'm almost dreading going. I can't bear to feel so miserable around others again.
I don't feel like this with everyone I know. It's just these guys, my oldest friends..........................

I'd love to hear something positive from someone tonight if poss. The last time I posted helped me enormously. Thanks to everyone who replied. I think that's it from goggles this evening.
.............lots of love the four-eyed one xxxx

[SeptemberMorn]

Goggles, pleased to meet you. I'm fresh out of advise except to tell you that all the negative thoughts you've been thinking about that friend of yours... it's the depression talking. It really messes with our thinking. Try not to allienate yourself from your friends unless they really get difficult to deal with.

Did the doctors put you on medication when you were in the hospital? Are you still taking it? Sounds like if you are still on meds, they may not be working or you need to increase them.

Hang in there. Talk to your doctor and keep posting.

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

Welcome Welcome. and more welcomes to you

Love the name by the way

When your doc put you in the hosp, did they put you on any meds and how long has it been since you were out..
Some anit-dperssents take a long time to work, correclty..

Ask your doctor, and keep posting..
oh for the friends thing.. hang in there, the feelings will go away.. It sounds like maybe you just need a small break from them, not take them complety out of your life..
Try to see it from there point of view, how long have you been deperssed, and do you think she woudl truly "run" if you told her the truth????


<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[goggles]

Pleased to meet you too September Morn. Are you fond of September?
I quite like September but I could do without November when it's dark
at five o'clock and pretty much dark all day over here in deep dark wales. It's darker the further up north you go isn't it? I know that there is a strong relationship between the amount of light and the amount of depression in different countries.
I feel sorry for the people who have to live with almost 24 hour darkness at some point in the year. Can you imagine?!?

Anyway thankyou for replying to my mail yesterday. I was feeling so negative, I was convinced no-one would reply.
And you are right when I am feeling like that I really can't see anything positive. That's where it helps to have some positivity from someone else, I feel. I do feel like alienating myself from these friends quite frequently and there are a lot of occassions when I do to a certain extent but then there are other times when I really do enjoy their company and feel lucky to have such longstanding relationships.

I was friends with these girls from a very young age and then I went to a different high school and left them behind. Unfortunately for me, I made friends with a group of people who bullied me for four years at my new high school. I subsequently left this school and returned to the high school my old friends were attending. Because I was completely withdrawn I couldn't get along with my old friends and hung out with
other people but I did eventually form friendships with my very first friends again in college. (Hope that's not too confusing).

I still feel very uncomfortable on occassion when we socialise as a group. I think this goes back to my days of being bullied. I get on with each of the girls so much better on a one-to-one basis.

I was put on lithium and anti-depressants when I was in hospital.
I felt strongly against taking lithium, it seemed so powerful and dangerous to me. If I remember correctly though it was a condition of my release. I took it for a short while and then stopped taking the lithium of my own accord but I continued taking the anti-depressants. However these didn't work for me and I eventually discontinued them on that basis. I have tried other anti-depressants since and these haven't worked either. I could go into much greater detail here but I think I've
blathered on enough for the moment!

In short, I feel medication has done little to help my case and if anything, I feel has made my problems worse.
I actually think that the reason I ended up in hospital with a manic episode had a hell of a lot to do with the fact that I was withdrawing from Seroxat at the time.

I hope that hasn't been too much to take in at once.
Thanks again, i hope I can be of help to you in future too

goggles x

[goggles]

Hi there Lady Dragus, really appreciate your reply.

I'm glad you like my name. I called myself goggles because I've usually got my light box going when I'm online and have to wear these red goggles to protect my eyes. It must look quite odd, especially from the street because the whole room glows bright purple and flickers and there's me in front of my computer screen with these red goggles on haha.

- It's been four years since I've been out of hospital. I stopped taking medication probably about three years ago because I felt it wasn't working. I sometimes contemplate taking medication again, especially these last two years when I've been having panic attacks also. It's tough being ill isn't it?!!

-Thanks for the thoughts on the friend situation, I'll think through these
today. It's nice to have a fresh angle. Relationship issues overwhelm me sometimes and get me down more than anything else.

Thanks again and if you feel I could help in any way don't hesitate to ask.

red-eyed monster goggles! x

[LadyDragus]

I can picture you, with your ggoogles on it looks so cute. to me..

I hope all works out for you, and trust me if I thought you could help, I would ask.. But I am here for ya, if you need any more adicie all I can is try.. Right

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>