[kebsfroggy]

I haven’t been around for awhile. Judging by the number of names I don’t recognize it’s longer than I realized.
Are there times when the sadness is so overwhelming tears provide the only release?
Much, much more than crying but giant sobs to help relieve the pain? I’ve become adept at hiding my feelings from others. However, once alone tears seem the only release from this sadness that runs so deep.

Are there times where your thoughts begin to race, never ending?
Sleep becomes evasive. Everything from reliving the past, worrying about the future or fear someone will uncover deep hidden secrets. Each thought brings another, day and night, never ending….”make them stop, make them stop” you want to scream?

Are you able to suppress your emotions from the world. Then all the pent up anger and frustration burst into a violent rage causing damage to what is around, people, things, yourself for no reason?

I know all too well the depths to which you can fall and how quickly it happens. One minute you’re treading water the next tumbling to the deepest, depths of darkness. Oh yes, for years now, over and over and over. Going through resource after resource, medications, therapy and hospitalizations only to end up right back where I started.
Being “normal”, able to laugh, experience pleasure and enjoying life are fading into distant memories. All that is left is just an empty, endless sadness that actually causes a pain few can understand.
kebs

[*doodles*]

(((((kebs))))) Sadly, I think we can all relate to this

[rjdaws]

I agree. Beautiful poetry describing the hell that is depression.

(((kebs)))

I'm often left feeling desperately alone in that misery, but we're never alone. So many other people experience this and can relate.

[cantstopcrying]

Kebs! It must be the day for coming home....I havent' been here and forever and it's disconcerting to see all the names I don't know! Note the name.....can'tstopcrying....sometimes huge, heavy sobs are all that helps. Miss you my friend.

[dejavu65]

Kebs ... Keep in mind that there are some that can give you just enough encouragement to help you through the next day or week or month. You offered me that encouragement in the past. It does not mean the I do not feel exactly like what you are describing most days ... It only means that there are others out there that know enough about what you are feeling deeper inside than most can understand. And because they hold on for that next day or week or month you realize that you can too. I hope you will always find that encouragement from someone here on this site. You deserve it.

[kebsfroggy]

dejavu65, cantstopcrying, rjdaws, doodle3609

Thank you all for responding to my post.

I guess sometimes I get so discouraged. I just wish it were all over, good, bad or otherwise. Just an end.

Thank you all again.

kebs

[online user]

It's tough when we are better, then feel worse again. You tend to think it's never going to be OK--the distorted thinking comes in. It's the depression talking, of course, making things seem even worse than they are. You have no doubt learned more about yourself and your illness since you were this ill before. It's not at all quite like before--you probably have more skill to deal with this now, even if it doesn't feel like it.

I try to think of my depression like a skinned knee. I had a deep, bloody wound that formed a thick scab. I was healing. Then a new hurt or trigger caused a reopening of the wound. It's bleeding again. But it's partially healed. So when the new scab forms, it's smaller and not as thick. Eventually it will completely heal--but with a scar. There will always be a reminder that I once was injured. I think our depressions are like that--we go through therapy and learn about ourselves and our problems. We deal with future issues a bit better, even though they hurt us as well. Eventually, there is hope that we can find lasting peace from our illness. We may still have it--but we will learn to manage it and get along pretty well in our lives.\

Hope this is true for you. Just take things a bit or a day at a time for now.

[turquoisesea]

((((Kebs)))) it's great to see you too - a familiar face =D

so much of what you're describing sounds all too familiar to me. Right now I'm in an overall upswing. I still have issues but I'm coping and things are much better. Are you really right back where you started? Havent you been places and done things - is the depression just making you forget what you've found? Or did none of the meds work?

Depression is so horrible because it can be chronic, because it can come back after it goes away. I've heard of people who don't have a relapse for even 10 years (or never?) ... its SCARY. To me at least. But I think we have to try hard to keep faith in the good times inbetween relapses and the possibility that it can get so much better or even go mostly away.

I'm enjoying big parts of my life right now. I am stressed right this moment so granted I'm a little worse than amonth ago but I went and played some sports last monday and had a BLAST, I went and DID things that I never could have done 1.5-2 years ago!!! Have faith that things can get better (((((Kebs)))))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((( Kebs )))))))))))))))

[kebsfroggy]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

((((Kebs)))) it's great to see you too - a familiar face =D

so much of what you're describing sounds all too familiar to me. Right now I'm in an overall upswing. I still have issues but I'm coping and things are much better. Are you really right back where you started? Havent you been places and done things - is the depression just making you forget what you've found? Or did none of the meds work?
. . .
I'm enjoying big parts of my life right now. I am stressed right this moment so granted I'm a little worse than amonth ago but I went and played some sports last monday and had a BLAST, I went and DID things that I never could have done 1.5-2 years ago!!! Have faith that things can get better (((((Kebs)))))

Thank you kindly, Turquoisesea. I'm glad you are able to enjoy parts of your life. The little "stress" moments have a way of slipping through every now and then. I'm so glad you are able to "do" things and find pleasure.

Is it as bad as it was...
The memories never returned as I had hoped they would. I see my children and my children's children but the memories are not there. Conversations, jokes, laughter and then "oh but you don't remember any of this do you".

Physically I'm in almost constant pain. So in addition to the mood stabilizers, anti-depressants and sleeping pills I spend my days and nights on narcotics. Then when the pain breaks through the meds and enough time has passed a series of injections are used.

There is just an emptiness, a life full of nothingness. A constant feeling of failure travels where ever I go but life just goes on.

kebs

[Rohag]

((((((( Kebs! )))))))

Why a feeling of failure rather than of anger or some other emotion? (Kebs, I'm not so much asking you as I'm asking the universe. We're all so unique.)

[kebsfroggy]

You know it's hard to say and I know you are not asking me personally. If the emotion is failure, it is sometimes expressed in anger and othertimes in unending tears. I just wish I could find a way out.