[parsifal]

I always let myself slip back into negative fantasies and negative emotions and thoughts. I can't put things off til later, and it almost feels comfortable to stay in negative-land. When I try to let sadness go, I feel like I'm betraying myself.

Like right now, my girlfriend and I have been having problems. We're really close and we like each other a lot, but right now she has drawn away physically, and she feels really bad about it (and she's done it before with other people, she says) and we're trying to figure it out. But anyway, last week she went to New Orleans to help people, which is great, but she didn't call me when she got there, and she hasn't initiated a call or an email specifically to me while she's been gone, though I did call her once and she called me back, and the phone conversation was really good, though she didn't apologize for upsetting me by not calling me back (I had left a voice mail saying I was upset about it). Now, I'm sure that part of her trip is just her getting in touch with herself and being alone, and I'm sure she's really busy, but I can't stop this all from making me feel so incredibly terrible. I feel like the sky is falling on me; I feel like this issue has combined with my sadness over our not being close, and I'm letting both sadnesses out at once.

So I probably *should* put off all of these thoughts until she gets back in two weeks. And I'm sure I'll feel embarrassed about how awful this feels now, then. But I can't stop myself from thinking things like "why won't she call me?", "I just know she's going to come back and I'm going to lose her," etc. There are trust issues in there -- we're very open with each other, and I have no reason to distrust her.

This escaping is problematic at other times as well. Like when I've done something that upsets my girlfriend, rather than listening intently and focusing on the present moment, I isolate myself and feel resentful and feel bad about it. And then I'll forget it and upset her again.

I don't want to feel so dependent on my girlfriend. I want to share love, and I want to feel independent. I don't feel like it's a problem that I'm sad about this; I feel like it's a problem that I keep drowning myself in misery. How can I stop this? What do you all think?

edit: I feel like I have self-esteem problems, and selfishness problems too.

[LMo]

If the negative thoughts are persistent, then you should probably get yourself to a therapist and talk to your doctor. You're running the risk of driving your girlfriend away otherwise.

I'm really sorry you're so sad. This was a very honest and heartfelt post. You sound like a open-minded and caring guy, so therapy should help you immensely. What do you think about going?

[parsifal]

LMo,

Thanks

I just made an appointment today for the 26th of January. I also put myself on the cancellation waiting list, to see if I can get in sooner.

I don't want to wallow in sadness anymore. I don't like that part of myself, I don't feel like it helps me. I keep feeling like I have to go back to these terrible, negative emotions in order to discover *something*, but it's just a terrible cycle. I've been studying Buddhism for a while, and lately some of its more important parts have been making a lot more sense to me. I'm trying to use it to improve my life, and the lives of others.

I don't want to feel dependent on my girlfriend, but I don't want to lose her. She's great; she's a really fun, good, interesting person. She has her issues too, though. But I have too much fear.. fear of expressing my needs, and of telling her about some of my darker hours (like now). Do you have any ideas about what to do about that? I don't want to hide things, but I don't want to gush out indulgent negative thoughts that I might not really agree with. (see? there I go again )

[LMo]

Well, those are very reasonable fears to have (way to go LMo -- feed his fears! Nice!). I would hold off on expressing those things until you see a therapist. Or, before you express your fears to her, think of what kind of reaction you're hoping to get, and what kind of reaction you're likely to get. If those two don't match up, then hold off.

I went back through your other posts and read about your Adderal prescription. Not that drugs are "The Answer", but there is something to be said for how antidepressants can pull you out from a rut while you retrain your brain (via therapy) to stop the negative thinking patterns. It takes a while -- my husband's psychiatrist said that the current research is that it takes 9 months to change negative thinking patterns. So, it would stand to reason that if you start therapy now, then you can expect that 9 months from now you'll have made significant progress. However, I would also talk to your pdoc.

tc,
LMo

[samsara]

Buddhism is not a goal-oriented pursuit. That includes helping yourself and others. The core of Buddhism is to practice - to meditate. That can be very difficult or counterproductive when you are struggling mentally/emotionally. Most teachers will dissuade prospective (or current) students who have emotional problems from serious practice until they get those things sorted out.

It's easy to get hooked on reading about Buddhism (I did long ago) but that is mistaking the proverbial finger pointing at the moon for the moon. From long practice arises compassion, and that helps you and others around you. Reading stimulates intellectual enthusiasm, but that is a blunt tool for helping yourself and others. It's better than TV, just don't put too much weight on it. You don't generate natural compassion by reading.

I'm assuming here, of course, that you have just taken up the study of Buddhism over the past year or two and have not connected with a teacher.

PM me on this at any time. I've been a Zen Buddhist for 25 years.

[Lexicon78]

Try not to drive yourself crazy with these thoughts. I do the same thing all the time. What you have to do is keep your mind extremely busy on other things. If you start focusing on these thoughts again, refocus on something totally unrelated to the thoughts.