[BabyIrish]

Hi,
I have been battling depression since I have been 13 years old. Thus far I have tried medications and therapy. I went away for a year to Australia in order to get out of the negative environment I was in and to try and live life. Although I was the happiest I have ever been, I was still depressed deep down.
My mom, who is bipolar and in denial, has been difficult to live with. She will not listen to anything I have to say, will throw things when shes angry, and try to prove that she loves me by buying things. She spends most of our money buying little gifts to show that she loves me when I really want more than that. I want love that can't be bought in a store. She treats my dad horribly and its difficult to watch sometimes. Her words are toxic. She can strip paint off the wall with her tongue.
I knew I couldn't count on my mother so I decided I had to try and survive by myself. I decided to start therapy and go on medication to combat my negative feelings and energy. I joined social groups in school and tried to socialize more. I went to church on a weekly basis to strengthen my faith and rely more on God. I tried all these things and still depressed. Nothing works. I couldn't find love no matter how hard I tried.
I've gone through some difficult life-changing events that I can't seem to deal with. I can't seem to focus in school anymore or focus on the true meaning of life when I feel like there is no meaning. I still live with my mom who remains to be a negative influence on me. Due to limited finances, I am unable to move out. I have sought love elsewhere and found it in a place that I should stay out of. I don't know what else to do. How to get motivated or be happy. I feel like I've tried everything. I have tried so many medications and therapists. I have tried volunteer work, working, going to school, joining clubs, trying to go out etc. I feel like I've tried it all. All I seem to do is just sleep and eat. I have a million things to do and yet I can't find it in me to just press on. Does anyone know what I can do?

[Leed]

Hi ~~ I think you know that you cannot find happiness in other people, things, places, etc. We have to find it in ourselves. We have to be able to feel, to enjoy simply, to think freely and to take risks, plus challenge old boundaries. We need to get rid of negative habits and build new, positive ones.

We have to deal with alot of core issues, such as emotional dependency, shame or fear, etc. If we don't deal with these, nothing will change no matter what we do.

I know you've tried therapy in the past, but perhaps your therapist wasn't the "right one" -- or didn't really understand your issues. Why not try it again, if you can.

I wish you the very best -- God bless you! Hugs, Lee

[St406]

I'm sorry you r going through so much. Your mother's behavior seems to be draining you. Some thoughts on your situation... You mentioned you r just sleeping and eating. Do you think its the medications or the depression? I've read that some get positive results with ECT for depression. There's also a new similar treatment called TMS--transcranial magnetic stimulation. Maybe these might help?

[BabyIrish]

Thank you for your response. I am currently not on any medication right now. I don't want to go back on it because I tried so many medications when I was younger and nothing worked. They all made me more tired and moody. I did have a good therapist at one point, but now she doesn't accept insurance anymore and I am not willing to pay $80/session to continue to see her. I do not have good thoughts about ECT especially since research does not support its effectiveness. Yes, my mom does drain a lot out of me. She is very negative to be around. I feel like I did everything in the books to be happy yet I just can't be happy. I am not sure there is much more I can do =(

[BabyIrish]

Thank you for your response. I do agree that you have to find happiness within yourself but I am not sure how to do that. I feel like I am dying inside of me. I am actually far from a dependent person. However, the lack of love I received as a child has forced me to look elsewhere to feel what love feels like. I am not using it a means to define happiness in my life. I have always just wanted a mother who would love me for who I am without degrading me and someone who would just love me without buying me material items. Although I guess it is not entirely true, I do feel like no one could ever really love me which makes me hate myself. Everytime someone tries to love me, I don't take them serious because I can think of a million reasons why someone shouldn't or couldn't love me. I am not sure how to change how I am and how I think :/

[St406]

To BabyIrish, Some of my history is similar to yours (and countless others) and this is how it concluded in therapy.

I was raised by a distant, cruel and emotionally abusive mother. Of the therapists I've seen, the most experienced by far said that because of her I basically yearn for a mother and always will. A mother that loves me. I am 47 and continue to have infatuations with cold distant women who I believe I am attracted to. The behavior is just the subconscious quest to find and connect with the mother I never really had.

The solution was for the therapist (it was a male) to act as a surrogate loving parent in therapy and get me out of that yearning. He said that the hole left in me emotionally was common and that it would not go away. For financial reasons as well I couldn't continue. Other therapists said they could not perform this type of therapy.

My point is that you seem to really yearn for your mother to show u love. Each person shows love differently. Some with gifts, others are verbally or physically expressive. Others perform tasks and chores to show love. Have you ever really confronted her and asked why she treats her daughter as she does? Do you make her aware of how harmful her words are? Did your last therapist have any insight into her behavior? If she can't be a loving parent and stop the abusive behavior maybe a future therapist could pursue what mine attempted with me. You said the therapists fee right now was a problem but maybe in the future you could inquire. This path/therapy may apply to you too.

[BabyIrish]

Thank you for your story and response St406. I am sorry your mom was so abusive. I am glad that your therapist was able to help you with that. Yes, I have told my mom my feelings a million times, each time thinking that she is going to finally get it. But her response is the same everytime, she feels like the whole world is out to get her and attack her. Everytime I tell her that I wish she could show her love without buying me things, she will tell me that I am attacking her and get really defensive. Then she will give me a story that I'm selfish and don't appreciate all the things she does for me. She treats my dad the worst and its difficult to watch it. I will never understand why my dad puts up with it. My dad was there a lot when I was smaller but can no longer help me anymore due to my mother. My mom doesn't allow my dad to speak or think for himself and does not want him helping us out. If he does, she plays the divorce card and walks out (which in my opinion is a gift for my father). I feel like I have no support system.

[St406]

To BabyIrish, I'm sorry to hear that your mother is that much of a day in day out source of negativity. It sounds like she won't be changing any time soon. Again --bizarre similarities between your mother and mine. Looking back, my mother's behavior wasn't as overt or vicious but it was nonetheless CONTROLLING. Men frequently control physically---physical abuse or intimidation. Women frequently control verbally/emotionally. I would clearly say your mother is controlling. The control over your father is obvious. She's controlling your mood and happiness.

You mentioned your time in Australia (away from her) as the happiest in your life. That says it all. I would work toward that goal any rational and safe way you can. Is there any way you could rent with multiple others? I know it's easier said than done--living with relative strangers--but it appears that would be better. I would be curious to know how she reacted when you went to Australia? Did she try to stop you?