I did a couple stupid things.

I'll try to keep this short.
I have been suffering from anxiety that is out of control. It has been a long time. I feel so tense and I have been through a lot lately, problems with my husband, hopitalization, had ECT. So my brain is suffering. I took three percocets a few nights ago just to escape. I know that is really bad. I dont know if I should tell anyone,(like my T or pdoc) it's not something I do on a regular basis.

Also, yesterday I was very sad. More sad than usual. I was looking up support groups in my area. There is no way I'm going back to the hospital. No freakin way. All they did was mess up my meds and treat me like crap. Well I had the bright idea of writing a note to my husband and family to say goodbye. I did it in the kitchen while my husband was upstairs. I was crying so hard he actually came down and asked me whats wrong. He hasn't done that in awhile because I cry all the time he's used to it. I still have it and I wonder if it's wise to show it to my T today or just rip it up. I'm afraid she'll commit me.
What do you guys think I should do?

If you are having those kind of thoughts, bringing it up with your t is the best bet. Tell her your concerns about going to the hospital but in reality, even if you don't want to go, if you are suicidal the hospital may be the only place that can help you. Please do not take this lightly, it's a fast path to destruction.

She asked me last week if I thought I should go back to the hospital. I told her NO and she said she wouldn't make me. I don't feel that way right now though. I feel OK. I'm sad but not like yesterday. I'm not even crying. I have been crying daily. I dont see her for a few hours, I have some time to decide I guess. Purple you are telling me what I would tell someone else. Ugh....

lol always, that's how you know it's what you should do. Two years ago when I was seeing my t I told her some things that made her instantly want to hospitalize me. It took a lot of courage but I explained to her that I have a daughter, and at the time was with my abusive ex. I just couldn't leave my daughter with him alone. I was seeing things and hearing things and was convinced that the world did not exist out side of my head, that we were all living inside of my head and everyone around me were a part of me. Apparently that's a big sign of being psychotic lol.

What she did instead of hospitalizing me was gave me the option to sit with her. She told me if I felt like that again, if it got worse or didn't get better she told me to go to her office. She said I didn't need an appointment and she would let me just sit in the office. If I needed to talk to her or wanted she would see me in between patients, this way if I needed the extra help I would have it without being hospitalized.

I never took her up on her offer but very soon after I packed my daughter and myself up and moved across the country to get away from the ex. I literally thought that even she was a part of me, that she and I were the same person but could communicate. That's something that she would put anyone in the hospital for but she knew my concerns were legitimate and that I would go to her if it got worse before trying to take things into my own hands.

My point is, maybe show her this thread. Tell her that although you are feeling worse, you don't think the hospital will help you and ask her if there are alternatives that she could suggest to help. If you are not suicidal at that moment, let her know that. Tell her that you are not suicidal atm but the thoughts do come and you need to know how to handle it before it gets bad enough to where you are hospitalized. If you are suicidal when you go to speak to her, maybe it would be best to go to the hospital and maybe it wont be, but talking to your t will make things easier and make you feel better about the situation. Just make sure she knows your concerns for the hospital and that you are willing to try anything else she suggests apart from the hospital. It worked for me

I would tell your t and your pdoc both. Your meds might need tweaking, or you might need more support for awhile. Tell them you took the percoset because your moods can be hard to manage, but you don't feel you need hospitalization, just a better meds/support coping strategy when things get intense.

I was in the hospital for ten days in January, and I was shocked by how fragile I felt emotionally when they released me. It took me about three or four months on my new meds to start to feel OK again.

You might be experiencing re-entry anxiety. Definitely ask for help.

I'm afraid they will never give me anything to calm me down again because I took those percocets, like they will think I'll abuse everything. Just to be clear they didnt give me percocets to calm me down I just had them from something else awhile ago.

Nah, they'll take it seriously. There are lots of ways to calm down, pharmaceutical and otherwise, and it's their job to find a way that helps you. Seriously, there's a gazillion things they could do short of readmitting you. You should tell them. They've heard it all, they won't be like that.

Ok so I went and told my T everything. She was so cool about it. She actually told me understood why I took the percocets. She knows I knew it wouldnt kill me. She knows I have been through a lot and I needed a break somehow. I told her I know it was irresponsible and not the right answer.

Now the note she made me read to her. She said it was surprisingly positive, asked me what I learned from writing it, asked me how I felt when I was writing it, etc. She didn't 302 me or anything like that. She told me she knows I would say if I was really suicidal. I am actually doing better than I was a couple months ago. I just wrote the note to vent. I'm so glad I said something about these things. You guys were right. Thank you very much for your responses.

Awesome! Thanks for sharing this. It helps me too to hear other people have these issues and it helps me to hear how they deal with them.

So glad you're feeling better!