What more can I do? I've tried so much, I just want to give up

It's so hopeless... I can't keep going on like this.
I figured out what I've tried in the past... look at all this... nothing continues to help me handle the depression. If it works at all, it's only at first. I just continue to feel terrible, have suicidal urges all through the day, and find myself unable to get anything done...

About 10 Years of Major Depression and Borderline Personality Disorder

7 years of Meds:
Wellbutrin SR/XL - Bupropion HCL (SSDRI?)
Effexor - Venlafaxine (SSNRI?)
Cymbalta - Duloxetine hydrochloride (SSNRI)
Nortriptyline (Tricyclic)
Elavil - Amitriptyline (Tricyclic)
Lexapro - Escitalopram (SSRI)
Prozac - Fluoxetine (SSRI)
Celexa - Citalopram (SSRI)
Paxil - Paroxetine (SSRI)
Zoloft - Sertraline (SSRI)
Abilify - Aripiprazole (Tranquilizer)
Ambien (Sleep aid)
Seroquel - Quetiapine Fumarate (Antipsychotic/sleep aid)
Zyprexa - Olanzapine (Antipsychotic)
Lithium carbonate (Antimanic)

8-ish years and 12-ish counsellors with:
Biblical approaches
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
Behavioral Therapy

Lots of Self-Help books/reading

5-ish months of Electro-Convulsive Therapy

2 years of 15-ish inpatient hospitalizations in 5 different wards
1 year of 5-ish partial hospitalization programs

1 year of case management through CMH

What more can I do? Is it even worth trying - even if I found something else? Everything I try only disappoints me... leaving me all the more hopeless.

had to respond to your post because you cant give up. the question, what more can i do? keep trying. for the people who love you and for the people you love. for the fact that there are, rare as they may be, beautiful days worth living for. after twenty years in and out of therapy, i'm still searching for an answer. and after all these years i'm still trying new things because i'm still alive. i think we're lucky to be here, to have survived so much, and we can't just give up. realize that in that list that you made, of all the things you've endured, you showed that you're strong enough to keep trying. don't give up now. you never know when the answer is right around the corner.

Yes.

If I thought it would help you, I would also list all I've gone through/tried...in the 19 years since my disabling injury.

What we haven't finished doing (you and I) is perseverence! Stick-to-it-ive-ness. grrrrrr

We don't know what's going to be developed in the future for us. Certainly something better will come along. Something you might not have and might need is more often therapy sessions, having someone to talk to to help you work through your feelings of desperation, of hopelessness, and to encourage you and be honest with you about your worth as a human being.

I know you want to give up. I know that feeling, 1 foot in front of the other (((Tao)))

How about calling various crisis centers and mental health agencies and finding a depression management class in your area or within your transportation distance. Every town and city I have lived in the various agencies ran classes on this or classes that included depression management skills as a part of the class and some were free, some were sliding scale and others accept all kinds of insurance plans.

Thanks... I don't know what to do. I'm so desperate...

I've done the things you suggest, too. All there is is to keep holding on... but I don't know if I can.

Then now in my opinion is the time to go to your therapist or your local ER instead of on line where all we can do is make suggestions that you are saying you have already tried where as your therapist or ER can work with you on it right now in real time. Good luck and take care.

Again... any time now they're going to put me in the state hospital or AFC (they've told me so.) - I'm not walking into that...

Going to hospital is not the end of the world.. what you're considering is. Please stay safe.

I was going to suggest ECT, but it looks like you've already tried that

Tao - in the past you mentioned that your pastor had been able to soothe you a couple of times. Are you still in touch with him?

I hear it's like prison...

I'm really scared of it... I've heard from people who've been there...
Why would I put myself in the place of having just one more unhelpful thing to endure?

Please call someone tonight, so you might feel a little better (((tao)))

If I can get ahold of him... and then I'm probably only setting myself up to get the authorities called on me and another hospital stay...

Hospital life isn't like a prison...it's structured, yeah, but not a prison.

I was thinking...although probably not something you wanna try, but what about MAOI's?

The people I talked with who'd been in both prison and the state hospital said it was almost the same...

I can't take MAOIs because I have a diabetic condition and the required diet interferes too much with my prescribed diet. And I think I tried Nardil anyway, I'm not sure due to my ECT memory problems, but I think I remember trying to stick to that extremely restrained combined diet and having problems with dizziness and no benefits while on it.