Last night after crying for about an hour I messaged Mum saying I wanted to go home, no reply. Then I managed to stop crying about an hour later and messaged her again saying sorry for sending the last message (because I know it upsets her), no reply. Then I got maybe 2 hours sleep which was entirely nightmares about funerals. When Mum still hadn’t replied at 9am I messaged her again asking if she was mad at me. She called a while later and said that she wasn’t mad at me. I begged her to go home, she said I couldn’t. I promised to try harder and stay out of hospital and she still said no. I couldn’t stop crying and I just kept begging her and she refused, not until i’m well she said, I have to finish the DBT first, thats 12months! I don’t want to wait 12months! I want to go home now. I’m so tempted to just pack a bag, get my cat and get on a plane and go home, I have the money and I still have my key to get into Mum’s, I could do it, it’s not a long flight and it’s not like she could really force me to come back up here right?

I called the crisis team today and told them I was coming off my meds with or without their help they told me that they were against me coming off them and that they wouldn’t help and not to do it. But they can get ****ed, I’ve started reducing the dose already I should be off it in 2-3weeks. It’s going to be really hard with the withdrawals but also because S said that I had to remain stable the entire time or else I have to go back to the maximum dose which is what i’m meant to be on, and that means so no ODing and not cutting at all, the ODing I can probably manage but i’m not so sure about the cutting, it’s been about a week now and i’m really tempted, I just want that release.

Maybe I should just run away, go somewhere myself somewhere where no one knows me, just me and my cat, not tell anyone, leave my phone and everything here so no one can find me. It makes sense, I can’t go home and I don’t want to be here, I may as well just go somewhere new… Then I could do whatever I wanted with my meds and I could cut and no one would tell me not to.. I don’t know, it just makes sense.

[Leed]

Please dont get off your meds. I realize that no one wants to be on medication, but it DOES help more than it hurts. I think you'll be sorry.

I'm sorry your Mom said no about coming home. Being a mother myself, I don't understand it, but that's just me. I guess she just wants you to continue with the DBT. It would be in your best interests to do so.

Don't "run away." That never does any good because you have to take YOU with you. LOL Talk to your therapist. God bless & please take care. Hugs, Lee

my old MH team were happy for me to come off my meds when I moved because they don't help but since being up here no one will take me off them because they are scared ill get worse and kill myself. so I am going to come off them myself.

the running away idea seems better and better right now.

I called Mum this morning telling her I had slept better last night and that I still wanted to go home. I'd even found a place I could move into with a friend who is looking for somewhere to live. I told her and she told me that I had to have a proper plan about what course I'd do and being off my medication. So I spent hours making a plan and then emailed it to her and then she called S and talked to him for ages and then we went on Skype and S & I talked to her. S and Mum said that I had to "prove" that I could manage life and be completely stable before I could go home. No matter what I said or how much I was crying they didn't budge, then I asked if I could go home after christmas and they still were saying that I had to prove to everyone that I could manage and that I was stable and out of hospital and not hurting myself in any way. I'm so mad at them right now.

I'm seriously considering running away, I was looking up online where I could go tonight. Just me and my cat. I'm 19 no one can force me to go anywhere I don't want to. I spoke to m helpline counsellor about it and she didn't seem to think it would be a bad thing. And she just reminded me that because I'm 19 no one can make me come back.

When I was deciding where to live months ago Mum always said that no matter what happened if I didn't like where I was living I could go home. And this morning she said that she wasn't going to stop me doing what I wanted. And now she says that I can't go home. To say that it hurts would be an understatement.

[Open Eyes]

((((TheQuietOnexx)))),

Just remember, you cannot run away from yourself, the instinct to run is common with people who struggle with mental illness. But honestly you need to give the treatment a chance and the DBT may really help you. You need to make sure that you are in a support system, as you mentioned, you do have a desire to cut which means you somehow feel a need to punish yourself and control something. You have to learn ways of not hurting yourself and truely developing a better way of overcoming the bad thoughts and feelings.

Please understand that you DO need therapy and it DOES take time. Forget about counting or looking at 12 months and concentrate on each day, one day at a time and therapy. You truely have to work hard with mental illness and allow yourself to be helped.

I know how hard it is, I struggle every day and I do have those bad days where I want to run too. But you CAN gain strength and learn how to overcome your issues. I am working at it one day at a time, that is what you have to do.

As far as your mother is concerned, her saying no about coming home, she knows she is not a therapist, not qualified to give you the attention you need to get better. You have to understand that she needs you to be in a place where you can truely get help with people who are trained and qualified to truely help you. You honestly need to give it more time, and instead of looking way ahead, just truely do one day at a time.

Your true plan should be to truely learn about your disorders, what they mean and how they effect you and distort your thinking and ability to make good decisions for yourself that are truely helpful to yourself. What your feeling right now is your disorder talking, a habitual way of feeling and thinking and often that says run somewhere and clutch onto something even.

At nineteen your still young enough to learn how to truely change your behavior habits that truely do not help you in any way. But it takes time to learn just what that means and it truely doesn't happen over night. You know what?, I hear you because you are looking for some kind of escape and your panicking and what your thinking is that you want to run somewhere where you THINK you can take over control. But the reality is that you truely don't know how to do that in a way that is healthy for you, you just don't know that yet, haven't learned it yet. Up to this point you have followed an emotional behavior pattern of some kind of self soothing, but it is a cycle and it is not a healthy cycle. And as far as medication goes, often that takes a long time to help address the chemical imbalance in your brain where you can gain the proper use of your brain where you can actually think better and healthier. So you have to trust and allow the professionals to help you, even if you are not sure about it. Your not sure because it is different, not your known cycle of behavior, so your desire is to run, but that desire is wrong. I have that too with my issue which is PTSD and I get angry and have a strong desire to run. But I have come to know that I truely cannot run from my own issues, I have to hunker down and truely learn about it and find ways to help myself heal and recognize that it truely is not going to happen over night.

Running home to your mother is not going to fix your problems, she cannot fix your problems, what is not functioning right in your brain, YOU have to take over and allow yourself to work at fixing it, learning how to fix it ONE DAY AT A TIME. And in the threapy your talking about here you will begin to learn where you unknowingly pick a pattern of behavior that inhibits you from having normal relationships and how you react to certain things due to your mental illness that you need to learn about so that you can catch it and actually make decisions to stop the pattern that you now do without consciously realizing it. And it is truely not about others controlling you or pushing you to do things you don't want to do. Your not going to see that until you sit in therapy and slowly learn how you have developed these bad thinking patterns, why you end up so confused and angry and even depressed. You simply honestly don't know that yet, you have not been in therapy long enough so that instead of acting out these behavior patterns you can talk it out, sit with a therapist and as you talk it out, let out your thinking patterns, you will slowly learn why you do that because there are reasons that you don't understand yet. You are truely not consciously aware of your bad thinking patterns and why these patterns take place, you truely have to learn about it, see it and in that you will begin to recognize how you actually can break a cycle that you unknowingly participate in and GAIN to finding ways to think through these cycles clearly and comfort yourself correctly and you WILL begin to truely feel more control and it is gradual. And that is something you mother cannot do for you, she IS unknowingly part of your problem because she has allowed you to cycle your thoughts and behaviors poorly. She knows that now and she also knows that YOU need to see it, YOU need to learn about it, and only YOU can truely fix YOU with the right help.

Right now, RIGHT NOW, this thread, what your saying is part of your thinking problem, part of your own cycle that you truely do not see yet. And the TRUE REALITY IS you can actually learn how to change this for YOU, YOUR SELF ESTEEM, YOUR SENSE OF REAL STRENGTH AND FREEDOM of something that you unconsciously do that you truely DO NOT UNDERSTAND YET. You actually deserve to see it, learn about it, identify it for yourself and eventually FREE YOURSELF FROM IT. But you just don't know it yet, your thinking right now is stinking thinking that is truely not your fault, your not aware of it and so you just give into it over and over because you just don't know what it means and why it happens. That information you WILL learn, and it doesn't come overnight it takes time in therapy for you to see it for yourself with help and guidance, YOU WILL TRUELY BE LEARNING ABOUT YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME. It has nothing to do with anyone controling you or denying you, YOU ARE ALREADY DOING THAT TO YOURSELF WITHOUT KNOWING IT. And you are punishing yourself needlessly, you will learn why and it really isnt your fault, your not a bad person, you can be truely better, happier and not have these desires to harm yourself or run and have all the feelings you talking about right now.

What you truely have to do is give in and talk to yourself, tell yourself to stop fighting yourself and every single day you are truely going to learn how to get something you truely desire SELF EMPOWERMENT AND TRUE STRENGTH THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET ONLY DON'T YET KNOW HOW TO GET IT. You are truely going to learn where to put in the right thinking that you need to get to that goal you never seem to reach but truely desire. So, you have to let go and give into actually taking time out to truely LEARN HOW TO FIX YOU, HELP YOU, AND LIBERATE YOU finally.

Open Eyes

[DespondentDaisy]

I read some of your other blog writings, and it sounds really frustrating. I don't know if you can, but I would try to find another program, or tell your mom that the support team doesn't seem to really care about people with BPD, ; cuz that definitely what it sounds like. I'd be upset too. I do agree that you should'nt go off your meds, things take time to get better, I assume you've only recently started. Try having some grapefruit juice in the meantime, that does wonders for mood, if only short term. PErhaps a better therapist would help too, if you can. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right fit- I used to hate going to a therapist because I never felt like they cared, now I wish my psych. doc was my therapist because we get along so well like we're both on the same page. Anyway, good luck

I've been on meds for 2 years + they don't help and I've tried lots of different ones.

I could get a good therapist at home.

I just wish mum would listen.

I feel like I'm well enough to stay out of hospital if I went home.

I've been crying all day. I can't stop. I just want to go home. I keep asking and they keep saying no. and then S comes in and says oh it seems like you're pissed off. of course I'm ****ing pissed off! S says I have to be in a course and have friends and be happy before I can go home. but I don't want to start a course because then I'll be here for a year. Mum said that if I'm seeming a lot better I could come home after Christmas but S said I couldn't.

I'm so mad right now. not only can I not go home now S said I can't go to bed because it's too early.

[DelusionsDaily]

Hi...have you done some research as to going back home and being on your own? Just because mom doesnt want you there doesnt mean there arent other options.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I am sorry again you are still having such a hard time.

I guess you can't make your mother let you come, but I relate to the pain of someone saying no.

I hope you do find a place to go.

I have had to go off meds myself, too, many times, and not told my doc's. They usually dont' help. But that's just me. Meds have never really helped me.

I am doing DBT myself, on my own ( dbtselfhelp.com ) but it sounds like your mother wants you to take a formal course with a professional.

I have been improving on the DBT on my own, not as much as I want now, but somewhat. My bpd did not happen overnight I dont' expect it to just go away.

I read DBT stuff every day now.

I also use other tools, such as SMART recovery, which uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and that's also a self-help thing.

I do a lot of recovery online.

There is a way out of problems.

I hope you keep trying.

Whatever you need to do.

I visualize a great place for you to do that. Another better home, better place to recover.

Billi

[BrokenNBeautiful]

PS:

I am glad you are still alive and hangin on.

Billi

[AnotherDayDown]

Don't "run away." That never does any good because you have to take YOU with you.

You are absolutely right. I've tried running away many times, but then I am reminded that I can't run away from myself. Unfortunately, we are often under the impression that the world is the problem...when in fact we are the problem. That hurts, I know.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hope you're still here today.

thinking of you.

Billi