[memememememe]

I feel like I'm nothing, I have no importance and no reason to be here. I have been on PC a lot lately, just not posting because what is there to say, I feel like I can't comment because as much as I care I am in no way able to lay out my thughts lately. Talking and interacting with people even friends and family has become a chore, neccicary and unwanted. I get stressed from being around people yet there times when I want to be around people I can't really explain it. I went over a month without SI but recently started doing it again. I'm getting worse at hiding it people have been asking me whats wrong and I say nothing but they don't believe me. I have my mother conviced I am okay which despite the fact she wants to help her being involved just adds to my stress. I SI from stress, and stress has been abundent lately. Writing helps me when I write I don't SI, but then I'll get writers block and go back to SI. I am failing almost all of my classes at school, failing P.E. because I dont want to change because if I do everyone would see my scars and I don't need that. I have ben saying things without thinking and really I just can't take it my life never got this bad before I go to school just to get all stressed from the amount of people and my grades plus the worries someone will find out I SI and I just dont know anymore......My frinds are starting to notice and I just put on my fake smile and pretend I'm okay, they don't need to worry about me, they have their own problems.....I keep forgeting things all the time in the middle of a sentence I will stp and ask what I was saying I don't know whats wrong with me I just don't care anymore....

[Marla500]

will you be getting a break from school soon? do any of your friends know about your depression? maybe there is one that you can confide in? it would help not to have to always keep up the appearance of being 'ok' which is so draining especially when you are already struggling.

[memememememe]

We have a week until Christmas break. One of my friends knows everything but really it dosent help me much, I worry about one of my other friends too much to confide in her, she cuts and her boyfriend who happens to be one of my friends also is cutting because she is cutting and now she is cutting more because of him, it feels like a never ending cycle. I have only one other friend I wuld be willing to confide in but we don't see eachother much lately. I want to appear okay but my self contorl seems to be slipping the assistant principal at my school, he has known me for years so we talk a lot, it seems he can tell something is wrong he asked and I of course lied and said I was okay, but he could tell I was lying and told me so. Currently I feel like I can only talk to people on PC.....

[Rohag]

Hello, Memememememe!

Originally Posted by memememememe

My friends are starting to notice...

Originally Posted by memememememe

...assistant principal...it seems he can tell something is wrong

I trust your perceptions of these folks. The problems are too big to hide for long. Do you think you could find it within you to boldly go to your parents or the assistant principal and tell them directly that you are in distress? I ask this because it is probably better for you to reveal the issue than for them to discover it. If you take the initiative, there's a greater chance they will see you as a partner in getting better than just a passive person to be helped.

[Severijn]

Hi mememememe.

I think you can be helped by a good therapist. But like someone else said, it's probably a lot better and convenient if you told your parents you are hurting so much.

Wouldn't it be better if you had the support of your parents in this? Hiding your pain is so draining and exhausting.

If you want to find a therapist, you can check this out: http://www.goodtherapy.org/find-therapist.html

Besides therapy, you can do some other things to feel better. You can read some self-help books about improving your self-esteem, and about how to deal with SI. (amazon.com is a useful place for that). Besides that, you can also do some fitness and exercise every week. Almost everyone feels better because of that (a little or a lot). Exercise takes your mind of problems and makes you feel better, on the inside and outside. Take care.

[di meliora]

Hello, memememememe. Getting better is hard. One of the hardest tasks in getting better is challenging how we think about ourselves. Thinking of ourselves as worthless not only is untrue, it suggests we are incapable of making the changes required to improve our lives. We are not helpless. Setting goals is important.

You might start by writing down ten things you feel are important for you to change. Pick one of the ten you can succeed at and make it a goal to change. When the goals get more difficult, break them down into smaller, more manageable parts.

Each day write down at least one thing that made you feel you were doing something worthwhile.

Finally, look in a mirror and tell yourself you are a valuable person who deserves a better life. Promise yourself you will find a way to make it happen.

[shezbut]

(((mememememe)))

I'm sorry that you're feeling so low

I really recommend getting some professional assistance to have a bigger, more positive effect upon your life. We, at PC, do care and want to help each other. But, we don't even come close to the changes that professionals can bring about.

Why is that?? One may wonder.

The answer is that professionals get us to look at parts that we don't necessarily want to look at or deal with. They get us to see that we have some control over certain areas of our lives. They gently point out the positive, healthy activities that we can take part in and encourage us to pay less attention to activities that can bring us down into the negative. These changes take effort.

I think that PC can be a double-edged sword, so to speak. In a relatively healthy state of mind, members often share very helpful opinions and support with one another. However, when deep depression is there, reading the posts can bring us down more. Those are times when PC is not helpful & people experiencing the lows pulling them down further, need to go to a professional T for help. Whenever you find yourself pushing others away, increasing SI behavior, those are times when more effort needs to be put into working with a T to get to a better state of mind.

Gentle hugs to you...

[osamanda15]

i completely understand what you're saying 100%. i feel the same exact way.
i'm really glad i found PC because it's helping, but sometimes i just feel like nothing will ever help.
the other day i was talking to my health teacher about her son having depression. and this is how he copes with it (i've tried this as well):
make a box, any plain wooden box, not too big. decorate it with fun colors, anything you love, you could even put food on there if you wanted!
the title of it should be 'worry box'. written small, but noticable.
keep it near you as much as you can, and whenever you're stressing out or having a really rough time, write it down. write it down, give complete details, strain the pen so you get all your emotions out, and throw it in the worry box.
you can't worry about it anymore, because now it's the worry box's problem.

i have yet to put more worry notes in. but so far, i think it's helping.
people care for you, no matter how much it seems like they don't.
even if you're calling out for help, and you feel like no one will help, pc people are here for you. we all understand where you're coming from, and we support you.

send me a pm if you need to!

[memememememe]

I have a counselor and I did see her last Friday. But talking mostl makes me feel worse because I feel like I have too much to deal with, my parents know, well mostly they believe I'm doing better. I really just want to talk but when I do I really want to cut and I don't want to at the same time, I don't lke pain or blood, so I don't know why I even cut. All of the stress is making it hard to focus on school so I'm falling behind which is making it harder for me to try to take control of my life. My docter thinks I'm depressed but dosen't want to put me on meds because I'm young and that could cause harm, sideaffects and whatnot. I feel lke there is nothing I can do but starve and cut. Though today I had two meals, and I have not cut, so that is some good news. Thats about it I have family surrounding me so I have nothing to do beside pretend everythings okay and want to hurt mysself but I can't and if I don't eat they will wonder why (they know I don't eat, so they make me eat every meal when they are around. Oh yeah I have a band concert for school and I am required to wear short sleeves, in two days so they entie school will see my scars. I tried to cover them but no matter what they are noticeable ..... I can't wait for that, rumors and stuff sounds great.....not really.

[Rohag]

Hello, Memememememe! Congratulations on the good news! Any victory is a real victory.

Originally Posted by memememememe

All of the stress is making it hard to focus on school so I'm falling behind...

As important as school is, your safety and well-being are more basic. Taking the time you need to get proper rest and to do things (music, recreation, etc.) that diminish your urges to cut and starve is worth it in the long run.

If talking mostly makes you feel worse, how about writing? Some people here, myself included, print out our PsychCentral posts or selections from our posts to take to counselors and therapists.

Wishing you well, and as easy and stress-free a December as possible!

[memememememe]

I know I already do these things but I just feel worse, should I talk to my school counselor or mabey someone I know better like my schools assistant principal the only other person I will talk to is my counselor. I will not talk to my parents they don't understand they think I do it for attention and punish me for it. My friends are there but really I don't want to bother them.