[mandamoo42]

I once read a book about this awful illness with this as the title, I think it's very appropriate as a description because all i do is feel sad all the time, i am constantly on the verge of tears all the time because the losses i have suffered (i have 2 kids in care, my dad died 11 years ago this month and he was the only person in my abusive family who cared about me, i am estranged frm said abusive family, my mum brothers aunts uncles cousins, the lot) and even though i am heavily medicated with both ad's and antipsychotic meds too, it makes no difference, i can't seem to be able to move on frm a very hurtful past, yes i have had about 3 years of rehab therapy and counselling but i think it came too little too late (didnt get it til my late 30s and by that time a lot had gone wrong and a lot of damage had been done), i have Borderline personality disorder with a lot of PTSD symptoms (rages, suicidal thoughts, disassociation), and am wondering if it is just time i need of which i have plenty because i am signed off on the sick for my mental illnesses, or is there anything that will help me pull myself out of this deep pit of despair i have found myself in? i am not drinking at the moment though it is temptin to dive into the booze just for pain relief...i have that in the form of cannabis but even that isn't even numbing me out...in trouble guys...

thanks for reading this

I didn't escape until I was 33.5 years of age ... I was having a lot of the same thoughts and struggles as you ... You say you're three years into the process ... Can you at least hold on for another seven years? ... The reason I ask is because it was at least 10 years before I felt I had anything to laugh, smile or live for again ...

In the meantime, even if it doesn't seem to be working, just keep working it (The Healing Process) ... It will come ... At least it did for me, and 18.5 years later I'm so glad I didn't totally destroy myself ... Had I done that my abusers would have won the whole war and I'm so glad now that I didn't give them that ...

The psychiatric term for "Malignant Sadness" is Dysthymia ... It's a long lasting, low level of depression that just really never goes away ... I've got that too along with C-PTSD and a whole bunch of other things I have to work on too ... But, I sincerely mean it when I say it's much better now than it was when I first started this journey ... None of this stuff ever will completely go away, but somewhere along the line you'll learn to make peace with it and live your life as best you can in spite of it ...

I also had to to sever all contact with immediate family, extended family, friends of the family, etc. ... A lot of stuff to grieve under the best of circumstances ... It's certainly harder when you're having to heal wounds inflicted by them too ... It is survivable ... PLEASE ... Just Hang On ... !!!

Sincerely,
Broken Cloud

[mandamoo42]

((((((((((((Brokencloud))))))))))))))))) thanks for the feedback and encouragement, much appreciated...your words have given me some hope, thank you...but it seems to be 2 steps forward and 3 steps back a lot of the time...i am no longer in therapy, the nhs wld only give me a year and i have repeatedly asked my GP to send me back but he says i have just gone thru too much for it to be effective and with some people it just doesn't work...he is about as much use as a chocolate teapot!!!! all he does is chuck pills at me in the hope it will subdue me and mong me out so much i will be no trouble to him or anyone else...but they dont do anything like that, they do take the edge of things but it ain't a cure is it? my T told me i wld never be cured and it was just a case of 'management'...well i ain't managing right now but maybe tomorrow will be a better day...once again thank you for your kindness...god bless...

[venusss]

Cured? Can you be cured of bad things having happened to you? I don't think so.... but one can in a way come to the point when past is a past and it no longer weights you down.

And no meds, aren't cure and certainly cannot help you to move on by themselves... yes, they can take the edge off and make things easier... but it seems from your posts that you may actually be too medicated to be able to proceed life.

Can you find something in life to live for? Some passion, something to thrive on? You deserve better.....

[mandamoo42]

i'm sorry venus but if you have read my posts as you say you have you wld know that i have lived a very hard tragic and heartbreaking life and you have no business saying i am too heavily medicated to proceed with life, if you knew what i have been through you wld not be so quick to pass a judgement like that. quite frankly i have lost all my appetite for life and i feel like i am just marking time til i die. when you have suffered as many losses as i have then maybe you will be in a position to judge. but until then please keep your unhelpful comments to yourself. thank you.

[venusss]

I am refering to what you said in first post... "heavily medicated". Which in same cases can be countraproductive, because.... well, you don't feel the positive either and you cannot process the negatives to rid of them... you complained about this yourself. "chuck meds on you".

So I kinda thought, you yourself see it as a bit of problem.

Look, I had loses too. I was trying to be helpful, was trying to give you hope.

Whatever, continue with that you are doing if you think it's for something... I think everybody has chance, I have seen people with heavy losses to be able to live good lifes when they found their "something".


And I apologize for saying something. I thought you wanted opinions when you posted.

[Bmee2]

Hi mandamoo42,
i read the messages from 1-5. i do not think venusHalley meant to criticize you. i think she was thinking if all you are getting from your doctor is medication...then perhaps it is less medication and more therapy that you need. Just a side note/opinion.

Back to your present state of misery.
Perhaps marking time now is just what you need to do. Perhaps you can use this time to get ready to go back into therapy? It has taken over six years to find a therapist to work with. Medication is just one part of the puzzle, you know like the oil in a car. You still need gasoline and a key and water and four good tires.
Some doctors do not want to invest a lot of time with their patients. i had a doctor that just gave a lot of medication even after overdosing on them. That made me feel the doctor did not care about me. So i got rid of him and went searching for a new doctor. Mind you i did not quit the old doctor until i found one that i thought could help me.
In case you do not know where to look...i did not...check out the find help tab here at Psych Central. If that does not help try typing psychiatrist or psychologist in the computer and go from there. i did this step a little bit at a time because i did not handle the rejection well. Since so much has gone on in the past, and recent events are making like nearly unbearable....consider looking for a new therapist. Sometimes you really need to vomit (please excuse the graphic visual) the painful thoughts and feelings and indescribable _________ to a good listener. i used the word vomit because i mean to do just that: release all that has been bottled up. Afterwords you may consider to travel the painful path of healing. But based on what you have written, it appears you need to release all that has been bottled up, for your very survival.
Unfortunately, members of PC are not qualified to provide much help to you. All we can do is tell you about what has worked for us, or suggest some ideas that may work. Most PC members cannot see if you are crying, or how desperate you are feeling. All of us, in general, however, mean only to help in some small way.
Okay that is my two cents worth. mandamoo42, i will send positive thoughts and wishes out to you.