dangerous

The past two weeks things have been going down hill very fast.

I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror - I feel disgusting and am repulsed by myself.

I don't want to get into specifics, but my eating habits are not good. I am not restricting, but I wish I would. I hate to admit it, but I'd rather be starving right now than feel as ugly as I do.

Within the past two weeks I have felt like noone cares. Everyone is ultimately out for themselves. Let's face it, noone cares that I'm feeling down. I'm all on my own. I absoluetly hate myself. I even tried to self harm, but just scratched the surface, so I couldn't even get that right.

I don't know what to do...where to turn or even if it's worth it.

I would use my logic to realize that if everyone is for themselves, then I should be for myself and/or if everyone is for themselves and I'm on my own, there's nothing "wrong" with that, I have to be my own advocate and get what I want for myself (help).

What concerns you most? Your eating? I would call a professional who specializes in eating disorders or nutrition and find a book/other resource and see if I could work on eating better (since you know you are not eating well). Not like anyone can eat well for you? You can lead a horse. . . I would do some research online: http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.o...ion-resources/ and see if I could make a plan for getting myself help?

If it is your self esteem and not liking yourself; same thing. Do you have or want a therapist? That or a group might be interesting to pursue?

Sending supportive thoughts your way.
I'm so sorry to hear you are in such pain right now.
I can relate in that at the worst of my depression I could not/did not want to ever look in the mirror.
This does sound like severe anxiety and depression. I hope you will seek out some help. Are you seeing a therapist now? If yes, then I urge you to call that person and if no then I hope you will try and find someone right away. I know the feeling of hurting so much that the idea of self-harm is the only thought. Please believe me that it is truly a good thing that you were unable to cut yourself. These thoughts are the depression talking. The depression will tell you very clearly that you are "not worth anything" or are "taking up too much space." But I hope you will hear me when I tell you this is not true. Again, this is the disease of depression talking. If you are scared or feel that you might try and harm yourself I hope you'll call a hotline: 800-273-8255.
We are here to listen too.
The way out of these horrible feelings are mainly though therapy and medication. Please be kind to yourself. You did not ask to be born, but we all have a right to live here on this planet. Sending many hugs your way.

thx guys. What type of help do I want? I don't know. I am in a place where I don't feel that I want or deserve help at all. I could be worse, so maybe where I am is not that bad?

I am safe, I won't do anything, but thanks for the hotline number. I wouldn't want to hurt my family by taking my own life.

What Perna said makes sense. As great as it is to have people to look out for us and love us, we are truly happiest when we figure out how to love ourselves. One of the most frustrating things I've found about trying to change something is that we know exactly what we need to do. We know that being healthier, eating better, etc. is what is best for us. For some reason though, finding that moment of inspiration or extra strength and actually making that change is so hard. Habits are powerful, especially when we don't believe we deserve better. Sometimes I feel like if I can't be successful at losing weight (and in my other goals as well) right away then I might as well not even try. I'm not sure if it would help, but there is a book called "Women, Food, and God" by Geneen Roth. I found it to be really inspiring, and you've just inspired me to pick it back up again, so thank you for that. Please don't give up on yourself, and know that you deserve to be loved. Maybe you can take just one small step towards something that would make you happy and see if it helps?