new - is this the right place

Hello, I have a wife who is currently in hospital battling depression. Is this the forum I need to be in to help me deal with it?

You can ask us about it here. We have other members who are here because they want to better understand a loved one. Tell us more about yourself and your wife. What can we do for you? What would you like to know? You can also read what has already been posted here and get to know us that way.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Ok - I knew my wife was depressed but labored under the fact that she needed to get over it - figured it was something we can deal with because "everybody gets depressed sometimes". Problem is it was much worse than she let on and I had gotten so used to her that I failed to see what was really going on.
Long story short - she apparently was going to commit suicide Monday night - ended up getting involuntarily commited on tuesday and has been in the hospital since. I can see her 1 hr a day and have yet to hear from any doctors about what is going on.
When I go talk to her i get a lot of "double speak" - I can explain more about this, and I worry about what to say. I try to be supportive, but at the same time I am MAD (at everyone and no one, her, me, kids, pets, God, pastor, etc... no particular reason, just Angry). With the double speak I get things from her such as:
She has to much to do and you never help - then later she says I am too controlling and need to leave her alone to do things or that.
She told me the dr changed her to voluntary, then I asked if she wanted to go home and she restated that she could not but the dr said he may change her to voluntary - etc..
She told me she was arguing because they switched her doctor, and then later said they hadnt.

i know (per her) that they changed her meds (she was on lexapril>?) but could not tell me what the new med was.

Last night she said that I need to create a list of houswork chores for her to follow - she was adamant - but I know I will end up on the wrong end - if I do it (I am too controlling) and if I dont (I dont care about her).

She keeps talkign about having NO CONTROL and wanting to FLY - I kind of understand the no control, but she has a distorted perception as to how much "control" any of us have. (she says I am lucky because I get away all day and have complete control, at work -right). I dont understand this FLY thing - does anyone here have any insight.

What I am supposed to do - I am really worried because it seems the only role the hospital is going for is to get her gone, they dont involve me and I am concerned because of some comments I have heard - specifically, she was very upset about her transport to the hospital (2hrs away) - they cuffed her, searched her, and such and she said "I will make sure they dont get the chance to dothis to me next time" - Seems like she is just sitting there trying to get out so she can finish ...

Any help?

hi,

I am new here, but not new to the hospital setting. I have been hospitalized several
times in the last 10 years. In the hospitals I have been in, I had similar problems
with the staff not informing my parents what or how I was doing. I learned later
that if the patient requests a release of information document, and signs it,
stating who she allows her medical and treatment info/progress to be released to,
then that person can get more information regarding their loved ones treatment.

You are in the right place, because it shows that you are finding ways to understand
and support your wife.

best wishes --kris

KRZYKRIS

Thanks for sharing this. You know, I really relate to your wife quite a bit. I've had depression my whole life. I've never tried to hide that fact from my husband either. I guess he's the knight in shining armour type and I'm the damsel in distress type. Just look at the way we met - I was sitting in church bawling my eyes out, and he found that attractive. He knew the people I was sitting with, asked them about me and got my number. On our first date I told him I was crazy (not that depression is generally considered equivalent to insanity but I refer to it that way sometimes) and he said he didn't believe it. Anyway, my problem and his denial go back that far.

I have ups and downs - most of the time I'm pretty stable but sometimes I go off the deep end. Until just recently, he's always said it wasn't that bad. I haven't ever been hospitalized for it and nobody even offered me medication until recently and now I'm refusing it, and my therapist is really concerned about that and my husband keeps telling me how concerned my therapist is. I've never made an active suicide attempt although suicidal gestures and ideation have not been uncommon and I've made passive attempts such as wandering around dark streets in the middle of the night wearing dark clothing and hoping to get hit by something. I've also been picked up by the police for being a danger to self, and I was handcuffed and searched and sat in a jail cell for two hours being observed, but they decided to let me go. When it gets really bad, rational thinking can go out the window and memory can be impaired also. I've just been through a bad month and my therapist is still after me about meds, but right now I'm reasonably sane. So I understand some of what your wife is going through. I feel really bad about the things I've put my husband through too, and I bet that your wife feels bad about what this is doing to you also.

So that's my personal experience. I'm also a psychology student (essentially done with my BA and hoping to start on a PhD and become a psychologist), so I know something of the academic side too.

I'm pretty sure I know what she means by FLY. Check out <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.flylady.net>http://www.flylady.net</A> . Flylady's mission in life is to help people get a handle on house work and being organized. It's a really good program, and although it isn't specifically targetting depression and mental health, Flylady herself has been through depression and about 90% it seems of the people subscribing to the program have issues with depression. And her program does help with that too. FLY stands for "finally loving yourself" but it also refers to following the program, and being organized and on top of things.

Right now, it sounds like your wife is where she needs to be until she can get stabalized. Then she will need a lot of support. I'm sorry it's so hard on you. Try to remember that it is extremely hard for her too. One thing my husband said to me that really hurt was when he picked me up from jail last February, and they wanted me to go to the ER to have my wounds looked at (I had injured myself but it looked worse than it actually was). I said no, I had been through enough and was exhausted, and he exclaimed, "You've been through enough! It's the rest of us who have had to deal with this!" I know he made a valid point, and he was hurt too, but it hurt me that he was negating my emotional pain that caused the incident in the first place. It's not like I did that to hurt him - it was an effort to cope with things I couldn't deal with. So try to look at both sides and be supportive. There are a combination of biochemical and genetic factors involved as well as environmental factors also having an impact. Even though she is the one with a problem, it is a hard thing to deal with and getting counseling yourself would probably be helpful.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's hard on everybody. I hope that this helps a little, and just ask if you have any questions or if there is anything I can do to help.

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hi there,
Sorry to hear you both are going through such a rough time.
Have you asked at the hospital to speak with her doctor(s) about her diagnosis, treatment and prognosis?
I know (from personal experience) a doctor will inform a spouse on the other spouse's progress, you need to call the doctor or have someone at the nurses desk make this contact.
Also it is beneficial if both you can consult with the doctor about possible caregiver support, many hospitals have counsellors/educational support groups for the friends and families of loved ones suffering from mental disorders.
I am not a legal person, but I am sure when you are a spouse or parent of someone in the hospital the doctor(s) have to at least inform you of any progress/no progress and what needs to be done when the patient does eventually come home (which can be a major transition in its self) cause there often needs to be some changes made at home, seeing where things went wrong or can get better.
I think if you consult with hospital staff where your wife is they will help give you some direction as to who to talk to and/or support. Also, I know in order to have insurance cover a patient's stay in a psych ward the patient needs to be discharged by the pdoc otherwise if a voluntarily admiitted patient decides to leave the hospital and in most cases they can sign themselves out, insurance will not pay for their stay there. Just passing some info about this in case you do not already know that. This has to be difficult for you, but keep in mind it is hell for her too. You'll both need to work with the doctor or a counsellor on how both of you will be dealing with future outcome. Not only does the patient need to change or help change (through medication intervention) the person who is either the caregiver and/or spouse may need to make some changes and be open to being more understanding, that is where either a support team or a consult with her doc can be most beneficial, helping to educate the patient's family of things they may encounter and/or never knew about various mental disorders. I wish you lots of luck with this and I hope my "2 cents" was of some teeny help to you.
I hope things will come about soon, and do not be afraid of being assertive with the medical staff on getting info on your wife.
Please take care,
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

whome I am new to this board but not new to depression.

With regard to her current behavior:

As others have said, please be aware that the depression colors your wife's perceptions of everything. The negativity, lack of self worth, and hopelessness are all a part of the depression and as a result they greatly effect how she relates and reacts to people.

I can see how incredibly difficult her current demeanor is making things for you. Try to keep in mind that this is mostly from the depression and try not to take it personally. Also remember that she needs your support more than ever. One of the bitter ironies of depressive illness is how it makes sufferers push people away just when they need them the most. Remember this and try your best to cope with the pain that you are experiencing.

With regard to getting information from the doctors:

I know that generally doctors and hospitals are absolutely NOT permitted to give out any information when it comes to mental illnesses unless they have written approval from the patient. They are not even allowed to tell callers if the person is indeed a patient at the hospital. A form must be signed for the patient giving specific permission to give information to specific friends, employer, other doctors, etc.

I'm not sure if this extends to immediate family as well. If this is the case they will not tell you anything unless she gives specific permission. I can only imagine that the doctors must agree that it would be benefitial to have you be as informed as possible in order to help her, so I would guess that if she is refusing permission, they might be trying to get her to change her mind with regard to that during her therapy sessions. I am only guessing, of course, but this may just require a little patience.

For sure, once she begins to recover from this, your support and understanding will be crucial. Hopefully once she is past the worst of this it will also be easier for you, she may begin to accept your help rather than doing things to aggravate you and push you away as she seems to be doing now. I must repeat, these actions are classic symptoms of the attempts to isolate oneself when suffering depression so hopefully this will get better as her condition improves.

With regard to depression in general:

It will help you to understand as much as possible about depression in order to help her. This will include being involved with her healing, once she begins to allow that, but in the meantime it will be helpful to both you and her to learn as much as you can about depression. There is a lot of information available on the web and plenty of books on the subject. There are also support groups that you can attend to help understand and also help you cope.

Finding this forum and posting here is a great step toward achieving that.

I am not sure to what extent this recent Privacy Act holds, I would assume if the person is the spouse and say if they did insure the spouse from their company benefit/insurance company someone would have to sign agreement for responsible part for payment, though that isn't what this pertains to, I would think in cases where a loved one is being hospitalized and is most likely too irrational in thought to make decisions, that there would be some communication between parent, or spouse, in fact I know there is some communication, maybe limited but given to the relative, that close.
It is been years, but I remember information is not given out over the phone or mail unles some release is signed and even that probably changed. I just think there would be some sort of communication, cause say if something had to be done, radically and the patient is not really rational enough to make a decision one would believe the hospital/doctor would have to ask the spouse or parent for some kind of permission, no?
Like say if someone need electro shock therapy, or surgery but couldn't or wasn't able to speak for themselves I would think that some sort of permission was given.
I do not know all legalities of this stuff but just wanted to add to this. In my own heart I couldn't believe a spouse or parent would be left hanging as to patient's condition. I have a 2o year old nephew and the hospitals up to the present have given his mom, though he is of legal age and all, information and the docs have been in touch/consult with her, but perhaps different states in the US have slightly different rules?
Maybe someone can add to this thread on any info they have in a case like this?

BTW Thanks for your input and welcome to this wonderful website

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

Hello & Welcome to our forum:
You are deffinitly in the right place, although you do not suffer from depression you can learn alot from the people who suffer from similar dieases. My name is Jessica and I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Dissorder (PTSD), Depression, & Major Panic Dissorder. almost my whole life I have been dealing with depression and always finding a new way of botteling it up and pretending everthing is A - -OK. up untill two years ago I fell very hard into a deep depression. no one could figure out what was wrong with me no one ever new of the depression I was in. I found it difficult to speak to the sain, when everyone thought I was crazy even though I knew I wasn't. there I was only wanting to be normal. Only wanting to be me. trying to figure out why I felt the way I felt, why my head and thoughts would spin the way they did, why my eyes were and still are so sensitve too light, why I wanted to Isolate Myself or take my own life. always had Illusions of flying, in dreams, and deffinitly fantasized alot about it. I guess it was to escape and be free, I come from a Physical, Mental, & verbally abusive background. it's true what they say " eventually everything does catch up too you". I 'm very sorry to hear about the troubles you face today.
you have a long road ahead of you. don't blame yourself or what if your self, you are not the one to blame... try and take it day by day...
The double talking & riddles could deffinitly be from other medications.
has she ever spoken to you before that way? have you tried to talk to her Dr?.. I feel most place's like that just want to put you on medications and shoo you away. look at that young boy from long Island who was hospitailized and relased on med's even though he was 19 speaking in riddles and thinlking the CSI or the FBI was after him.. to be let out on the street. the next day to stabbing his HIGHSCHOOL teacher... Not enough attention....
If you really love her which you abviously do.try and get a second evaluation, get her a good doctor who cares. research everything she takes and everything they say.I hope evrything turns out for the best.. our hearts are with you.....If we can help, We WILL help...
you found a great place with great people who care...
Your friend
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Duchess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE NINTH HOUR JESUS CRIED OUT IN A LOAD VOICE, "ELOI,ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"~WHICH MEANS~"MY GOD, MY GOD,WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
~MATTHEW27:46.
MY GOD,MY GOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?WHY ARE YOU SO FAR FROM SAVING ME,SO FAR FROM THE WORDS OF MY GROANING?~ PSALM 22:1