Could care less.. for years now

as far back as 16 yrs old i could care less about what happens to me. I'm sure what i'm looking for is outside the scope of this forum but figured why not. post 18yrs old i became 'addicted' to failing, ie. driving w/o a license, contnued pot abuse, breaking up with girls whom gave all their heart to me for no reason even making some up to ease their pain. Ive always tried to help those around me to the point of bringing more failure my way, but not to the point of bettering my position in life. during the past year both my father and close uncle have died, sad thing is it really didn't/hasn't effected me in any way. received a substancial inheritance from my uncle, but instead of trying to do something i instead, split the money between siblings payed off a few bills and picked up a decent car. currently my situation at 28yrs old is: i'm residing in a house my sister bought with some of the $ i gave her on the premisis that i would repair it for her, i've barely done anything to speed this along. i quit smoking pot last year, due to moving to this house(i guess a choice but urges to find some are growing quickly :/ ) i'm keeping the power/water on and live off a fast-food meal a day. i find myself lying to family to keep up the scharade that i'm completing something here, tho always wanting to come clean. i basically sit here all day and thru most nights tryin to help people in chat rooms. anyway much more to say but don't want to load down your server with gibberish. i only have another month to complete this house then i told my aunt i would help her with her house :/ so i guess just don't know what to do. i really want to just disappear, i like living, wouldn't give it up for anything but feel as tho i care less if i do anything with life. don't really know what my problem is, thinkin i need some sort of psychological help or this lifeless life of mine will just continue into my older days. anyway i guess just hoping someone has some suggestions on a path i might take to repair my self-destructive behavior. i've looked thru several forums and literature and basically they all have the same to say, i need to motivate myself in order to fix this problem... needless to say it's more of a self inflicted downward spiral, i try, i fail, i feel a little more like failing is just how it works for me. and forsee failing again as more of a possability in the future. i consider myself rather intellegent tho my spelling might not show it so i know i have problems, yet i also find errors quickly in any solutions as plausable as they may be. was thinkin about anti-depressants or something to replace the pot i was used to for clouding my problems, but that i think would just mask the problem and not really fix it. this seems a bit long so i'll just stop here :/

welcome to the forums........i think you'll find folks who can relate to what you are going through......you sound very intelligent and insightful about your situation...the first step in helping yourself has just been taken by posting here.....i urge to you get some professional help and consider some medication.....i sense you are very depressed but i think it goes deeper than that and a therapist could help alot....sometimes these things are chemical imbalances and can only be helped by meds.....good luck and keep posting.i care....

welcome.

I'm so sorry there hasn't been joy in your life lately. I hope you will take the time to reach out to someone like a therapist who can at least walk with you through the dark times.

thanks for the quick replies. i've thought about seeking out a theropist but haven't the slightest clue where to start. I've looked through a few of the online referral sites is that the best way to go? Have never had a 'doctor' per say, just pay cash as needed via emergency room visits.

Well... sadly 3+ years later here I am. Not much has changed since then. I've moved about three times and for the moment live in a camper on my aunts property. Still pretty much flat broke but also not out there looking for a job. I feel like such a burden on those around me. I have a girlfriend, tho not sure what she is doing still with me.. I want to push her out of my life but worried that will just leave me even more isolated. All I really do is sit in my camper and try to pass the time, usually until 9 or 10 in the morning then I finally drift off to sleep for a few hours. I don't know, everyone near me says I need a job. Do I ever, it' been a year since my last job. I smoke some pot every now and the to help me sleep but I fear even talking to possible employers because of this... I'm trying not to eat much of their food but I find it hard to go too long without it. I don't really understand what I'm doing back here anyway.. guess they're hoping I'll get a hair up my but and help them with their house. Now I owe them ~15k because the insisted on helping with some nw bills I had collected since my first post here. Also my brother and sister have bailed on me when it comes to the 55k each I gave them back in late 06 when my uncle passed leaving me with a 135k+ debt to the irs (I know..my bad for not holding onto the money even tho they're college educated butts insisted that because it was a death bennifit I would owe no taxes.... but I digress.

Not really looking for a response to this... just wish I had gone to see a doctor so many years ago. Maybe this is the year I'll find a way to pay for it :/

Hopefully someday I'll update this thread with a happy ending and have something to look back on. Thanks for not deleting me yet, will.