Silience

I've been noticing lately that I've gotten really quiet. I just don't like to talk anymore. It makes me really uncomfortable because my family will try and talk to me but I don't really have anything to say. I don't want to upset them, I've always been pretty sensitive and I'm super afraid of hurting peoples feelings, so I try to talk, but everything I say just seems so meaningless.

I have a really good online friend, but I stop talking to her for months at a time. Each time it gets harder and takes longer for me to talk to her again. It has nothing to do with her, she is really great. The bestest friend I've had in a really long time. But I just can't seem to talk to her anymore, and I'm really afraid I'm going to lose her with my horrid treatment.

I think maybe I'm trying to push everyone away. When my dad died it was like some one ripped me apart and I've never been the same since. I think I'm afraid of that happening again so I'm pushing everyone I love away. I'm so lonely, and no one I know seems to make it better.

I used to think I was lonely because it was just me and my mom, but my sister recently moved in with her two kids and my other sister visits everyday with her two kids. I still hide in my room most of the day. I visit a little more, but I'm still terribly lonely even when they are in the same room.

I think I have depression. I've read about it and have all the signs but one. But sometimes I doubt that I have it because I have days where I seem really happy, or maybe its just days where I can ignore the problem really well. I figure maybe someone will have some useful advise if I post here.

I dont have,any advice to give you, but can honestly say I know almost exactly how you feel. ive always been a highly empathetic as well, but since childhood ive always felt like I was empty, just putting on a mask so no one would see the cracks and so I wouldnt have to deal with the "are you ok"s and such.. anyway, I wish I could tell you something inspirational, but I cant. I can only say that if you need to talk, you can msg me, and ill reply when I can, though I hope you understand if it isnt instantaneous, or even the same day... jist take it moment by moment.

I know what you mean, its very hard for me to talk to anyone and i feel extremely lonely because of it. Have you tried therapy? It helped me somewhat, having someone ask me questions instead of thinking and thinking of something to say and coming up with nothing, and also having someone to just talk about this problem helped.

Hi ~ You do sound like you're depressed. You don't HAVE to be in the pits every single moment to have depression. There are times when you can feel "reasonably" ok.

It sounds like it would be a good idea to talk to a therapist. There, you could get at the root of the cause -- perhaps it DOES have to do with the death of your dear Dad, and the therapist can help you work thru that. We don't always know how to grieve, and sometimes need help at getting thru the whole process. The therapist can help you with that. Or there could be other issues too that you're not aware of. So a good therapist could help you with all of it.

I hope you'll give it a try. Therapy has helped me immensely! Best of luck and God bless. Please take care. Hugs, Lee

(((((((((((((((( LonelyTree )))))))))))))))))

Hi, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.. well except for the whole having a friend part. I feel like why try to speak when no one can understand me.. you know? I recently thought of something: Once I realized how little meaning my words had, I could see that there really was not much to say at all. I have been struggling in my life greater than ever before, and it seems that each day only makes it worse and worse forever and ever. A real life reason that matches what I've been thinking about being quiet is that, at my work everybody is near deaf, and they all listen to their ipods/mp3 players with earbuds in all the time cause it is such a boring job. To even get anyone to begin to hear (you can forget about getting them to understand you) you have to physically touch them or wave at them in their line of view (which is very hard because everyone is at a desk facing opposite ways). I hate my life.. sigh...

Anyways.. as for advice to give you...it is best (health wise) for you to be around others and interact with them. Earthly creatures have innate needs to communicate with others in order to not become depressed. I have felt what you feel when you say you think you're trying to push everyone away, I haven't figured that one out yet. Some sort of mental behavioral defense mechanism to prevent further mental breakdown perhaps... but I feel when this occurs it is not me who is doing it, although, I never feel like me... this body is a freaking deathtrap. We are totally controlled by our bodies, we're not even real, none of this is real. Sorry, and yes I have been called a hippie before, go ahead. !@#$, I realize this probably hasn't helped you much, but take from it what you can.

Hi I can definitely relate. When I have had a bout with depression, I went silent. I literally didn't have anything to say. (I am usually quite talkative to close friends / family but even then I had to say "I'm sorry I just don't have anything to say right now. I am feeling horrible".)

I also separated myself slowly but surely from everyone (my best, best(est) friend(s), family, society, etc.) With my close friends/family, I explained how miserable I was and asked them to please hang in there for me. I felt so bad...I honestly felt as though I had nothing inside. Nothing to give.

I also had some "good" days but for me, those were really the days that I was able to drag myself out of the house and "fake it" for a little bit. The pain was still there. It was just sort of quiet.

I think it's really important that you find a trusted person that you can speak with. Do you have a T? It's also great that you are here and are sharing and posting! There are wonderful people here that are quite supportive and have a lot to share, and also can relate.

Big hugs to you.

Wow, I got so many reply's. I wonder why nothing was sent to my e-mail. Oh, well I guess I'll just have to check back more often. First off I want to thank everyone for replying, just knowing someone has felt the same or similar helps. I will reply to each post below, but in only one replay.

Big thanks to : carrie ann, Pandarama123456789, Rose Panachee, and Fuzzybear for the hugs! And also anyone else I missed.

kazukivonhimmel: Its OK that you don't have any advise, thank you for sharing some of your story with me. I haven't always been empathetic, In fact I used to be pretty self centered. When my dad died though I finally understood what real pain was and ever since I've been terrified to hurt people. I can understand what you said about wereing a mask so as not to deal with the "are you OKs," I try to do that a lot. Thank you for the offer, but please don't take offense if I don't. Like I said in the beginning I'm really have a hard time talking right now. Thanks again for the replay, I hope things get better for you.

Pandarama123456789: Thank you for the replay. No I have not tried therapy though I would really like to. My family's budget is really tight right now and we have no insurance, so sadly even though I've begged my mom to get me help I still have not gotten any.

Leed: Thank you very much for that confirmation. I had been 99% sure I was depressed but a couple months ago someone asked me if I just had to much time on my hands and was over thinking it (I think the only reason they even asked was because my mood at the time had been set to bored, it still really effected me though).

I was a little mad at first but then I started wondering if maybe it was true, after all I wasn't upset all the time. Its not very nice to know your depressed, but at least I'm not worried if I'm some kind of faker or something now.

I've wanted to get therapy for maybe around a year now, but my family's budget is really tight and we have no insurance, so sadly even though I've begged my mom to get me help I still have not gotten any. You have however given me some hope that if I can find some way to see a therapist they might actually be able to help.

Thank you very much for that, hope is something I don't really have much of anymore, so every little bit helps. You take care as well.

CgRgSm: Thank you for the reply. I can relate to a lot of what you said as well. My life is at one of its worst right now as well, And a lot of time when I try to talk to my family they don't even here me because they are staring at there computer or phone. I didn't realize it until you mentioned it, but that's probably a part of why I'm having trouble speaking as well.

Thank you for the advise. I will try and hang around people more. Its hard and sometimes I'd really rather not be around people, but I'll keep trying. Sometimes I feel similar to what you described about my body as well. Sometimes I wonder if the reason I'm always so miserable is that my body is addicted to the cemical created when I'm upset or something like that.

You don't need to apologize. I don't see how anything you said would make someone call you a hippie. In fact I don't think there is anything wrong with being a hippie. Hippies were generally just peace loving people. My dad was a hippie and I'm proud of it. Who ever called you that is stupid. Its just like those people that call things Gay if they don't like it.

And don't worry you did help. Knowing there are people out there that can relate to me, gives me hope that there are people out there that can understand. And maybe one day I wont be alone here. I hope things get better for you.

Rose Panachee: Hi, thanks for the reply. I was the same way before I got depressed. I was so talkative in fact that my sister used to toon me out because I wouldn't shut up. I feel very similar to what you described. Especially the nothing to give, part. Its the mane reason I'm not talking to my friend right now.

Some days I fake it like you said, other days it just seems like I can ignore it. A lot of the time I'll find a book to read or show to watch. Its like I can live someone else's life for a while, or at least forget about my own.

Thank you for that advise. I usually talk to my mother about things, but when I talk to her about this she only seems to make it much worse. Maybe I'll try and see if I can talk to one of my sisters. I'm afraid to open up to them though, I don't know if I can take that risk again.

I'm going to assume T means therapist. I do not. We can't afford it now and have no insurance. I've begged my mom to take me to one but all she says is we can't afford it and that I should take a collage physiology class, so I can learn to treat myself like her mother did. I'm defiantly not going to do that, but I'm hoping maybe I can find something to help eventually.

Big hugs to you as well, and thanks again.