[Shadow-world]

After - despite some wobbles - a few better months earlier this year, I am crashing again. I can't allow this to continue, as I can't get to the place I was in last year for so many months and it's getting dangerously close to that. That was scary, hopeless, desperate etc.

I have tried to change certain things in my life (the ones that I can change) so I thought I try and put myself out there and do some Internet and another form of dating. Well, it was interesting even if nerve-wrecking to start with and meeting up with a couple of men, go for walks, coffees, to art galleries etc made me feel truly alive and excited. Things were starting to feel better.
My wish to be with someone has been strong so I took things further with someone before realising that I, once again, felt panicky soon after things became more intimate and pushed the other person away and also that I was chasing a dream and, whilst liking a lot about the other person, didn't really like him enough for where things were going. So I ended things, felt bad for him, as he had bad experiences with relationships before, bad about myself for having done this and for avoiding and rejecting another person and having also lost a relationship that I could maybe finally have.

That whole situation left me weepy, tense and angry at work and I started snapping again at people and once again had words with my line manager.
She then said to me that some of my work was shoddy, she has to make sure that I am up for the work appropriate for my grade and that I don't get the basics right. This hurt me more than I can express in words. Work / studies have always been important to me, especially because I didn't have relationships as a balance. I always tried to do my best. I wonder whether she said this partly because she was angry in turn with me, but my confidence in myself and my abilities is now totally undermined and I have now been signed off sick by my GP for a few weeks. On the one hand that gives me time to put myself back together, on the other hand I feel useless and restless and anxious without going to work and also totally isolated at home. I might be risking my job, especially when I left a message on the work answering machine saying that there is no point in me coming in if my work is considered not good enough.

I'm not sure what to do from here. My personal life is back to having nobody, my work life is under serious threat and my restlessness and anxiety are soaring sky-high. I try to exercise and will also try and practise some things we covered in my mindfulness meditation class, otherwise I'm going to lose my sanity.

Sorry the post is so long. Thanks for listening. Sometimes it's good to write things all down. I wish I could have written something more positive and inspiring after having been quite a bit better for a few months.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( Shadow-world ))))))))))))))))

[Rohag]

As long as we dream, we are still alive.

How's all this affecting your ability to dream, Shadow-world?

[Shadow-world]

Originally Posted by Rohag

How's all this affecting your ability to dream, Shadow-world?

I don't know, Rohag, I am not quite sure. At night I tend to be rather caught up in nightmares at the minute, but I was thinking of maybe starting to take up a bit of creative writing or at least imagining scenes or scenarios again, reading a lot - all these things that activate my imagination and that are so important (to me).
I'm losing touch with this part of me when things are as they are at the moment. Maybe my time off work can help me to get back to this, make me calmer etc. Maybe. I'm trying to think constructively and make action plans.

[Rose76]

You were very brave to get out there and risk meeting people. It can be hard to keep from doing something impulsive about an upsetting work situation. I've done that and it can be costly, as it was for me. You seem to reflect a lot on how you handle things, and you strive to be fair. Those are good qualities. I hope you will get back to how you've felt when you were in a better space. It's hard to lose that - I know. ((((HUGS))))

[Fuzzybear]

[Shadow-world]

Today was about as horrible as last Wednesday, which was my last day at work before I was signed off sick.
I went to Occupational Health and they basically told me what was in the report my manager wrote. Basically, she thinks I'm not fulfilling the requirements for my grade / level and now this is all going to be trashed out with HR! I feel like a complete failure!!!!
I don't think it's really fair though. God, I'm losing my job and with it, the accommodation, as it is tied to my job.
And silly me booked a holiday this morning to make myself feel better. That was before I got confirmation how bad the situation really is. Can't afford this now.
What shall I do???? Apart from starting to apply for other posts (at the moment only part-time and / or temporary ones for what I do professionally)...
Any advice welcome.

I'm feeling so extremely bad about myself and so extremely useless as a person. I thought if I'm not good at relationships, don't have a child or partner to care for, I can at least give people something and making myself useful through my work!!
And now this is said not to be true!

[Rohag]

I'm sorry this is happening, Shadow-world.

Psychological support is one thing. Apart from the psychological, do you know of anyone who has a practical understanding of the systems and bureaucracies in which you are currently tangled? Would that person or persons be willing to counsel you on your next steps?

[Rose76]

If you go to meet with anyone, I would say try to maintain a positive regard for what you think was good about your job performance and, at the same time, be open to conciliation.

Like - "Is there some aspect of my performance that I could improve to meet the expectations? I would like a chance to work on that." I know that can feel like overly humbling yourself, when you may already feel like you have been bullied. Look at it this way: You lose nothing by being very tactful, and diplomatic with management and HR.

Believe me - I am talking to myself, as much as to you on this thread. I was on a job that I liked and I was doing some darn good work. Well, a supervisor and I came to not care for each other. She called me in and said I had a way of communicating that was not appropriate. She said she wanted to arrange for me to take a class in appropriate, effective communication that the company would pay for. Well, I told her where she could stick that class. The company agreed that this supervisor was a very difficult person, herself, and said they would arrange for us not to work together. That happened, but down the line, I ended up getting fired.

Older and (maybe) wiser, now, I wish I had said, "I will be glad to take any class that might lead to my improvement, and I am grateful that the company should be willing to invest in me."

There was a time when my head would have exploded before I could ever have said anything remotely like that. Now, I understand that jobs are not so easy to come by (as they had been, in better economic times, all over the world) and it may be wise to salvage what you have, if possible, before trying to go elsewhere.

Even if you feel job termination with this employer is inevitable, I would say to be as graceful in your manner, as possible, with whoever you talk to, and try to project that to HR. Let's face it - it's possible that your line supervisor doesn't like you and never will. Could be a personal thing (like I've experienced.) Present yourself in a good light to whomever else you can. Avoid sounding defensive. That's what they expect, and it does absolutely no good. Often, it's good to have a witness to conversations/exchanges. When you are alone with someone, they can say you said anything. If you have to leave, try to arrange it so you get a handshake from at least one person on your way out the door. That is self-empowering.

Sorry to be so long-winded. I've done so much thinking on this subject, due to multiple job losses of my own. I know the whole ordeal is very painful. Don't internalize the rejection. (That's probably impossible, but understand that that is what you are doing.)

[Shadow-world]

Thank you, everyone. I try and clear my head over the next few days. I had signed up to go to a literature festival with some people from my social club from today to Sunday and although I feel shattered, tired due to a lack of sleep and exhaustion and upset and horrible I am going now. Even if it only takes my mind off things a little bit.

I'll reply properly soon. Thank you for the detailed advice, Rose. I find it so incredibly difficult to control my impulses and not to snap. You've obviously learned how to do it, which is great.