New here, but need help

Hi,
I'm not sure where to start. I've been fighting depression for many years, but I have been relatively fine for almost 20 years. At least fine in my mind, not sure how the family sees me. About 20 years ago I awoke one day with a severe depression attack, and couldn't shake it off, so I tried killing myself. In the hospital they recommended I stay there for a while, and I agreed. Little did I know they were going to lock me up in the psyche ward. It was a strange time indeed, as there were people there urinating on themselves and completely mentaly lost. I did not belong in that setting. Anyway I was put on anti depressants and told to stay on them. After about 1 year of that, I couldn't take feeling that dullness. You have to understand I work in technology, and my mind has to be sharp and quick. The anti depressants dulled me too much so I missed things.
I weaned myself off the pills, and have been sort of fine ever since. Until now. I feel like no one loves me or cares about me. I'm ignored constantly and if I died no one will miss me. I have a family, but they go about their lives not even noticing what I go though. I am seriously considering asking my doc for anti depressants, but I am so completely embarrased to do that. This doc has been treating me physically for a while, and I have never told him of my mental episodes. I feel like crying constantly and don't want to talk to anyone. I'm getting that feeling where I see no way out. Don't worry I know better than a suicide attempt now, but the feeling is the same and no less afwul. Should I tell my doctor?

Hello, Tonyh!

Do you trust your doctor? If you speak to him about your depression, you can emphasize your concerns regarding loss of mental acuity.
Sounds as if you will have to discuss this with someone soon.

I guess I do trust him, and I know I'm having a pride issue with not telling him. I know myself, I will wind up not going to him again because of embarrasment. I don't want him looking at me as the "crazy guy I treat".
But I have been barking at everyone at home. Little things make me feel frustrated and as if everyone is working against me. I know they are used to my mood swings where I'm very funny one moment, and the next something sets something off in my mind and instant bad mood. They know that. But right now I'm stuck in upset mood.

I have to admit something, in an effort not to behave moody or angry at home, I have been taking a lot of those nighttime pills that make you sleepy. The drowsy effect keeps me a little numb. I know I shouldn't do that, but it provides a little relief to my racing mind. I know I need a better solution. Not sure what though.

Ignoring it all is not the solution. It will make things even worse. And the ego problem of not telling anybody... i do understand it. Rather than your personal doctor, can't you consult any other therapist who won't judge you?

If you trust your doctor, you should speak with him. Your regular doctor should be an excellent start point for getting help in handling your depression. Your doctor should be able to point you in the right direction in getting help if he cannot help you yourself.

Take care!

I, like some others I see posting here, tried in vain for a while to find a psychiatrist or therapist who was taking new patients. I did so at time when things were their worst, but found no one. At one point long ago I attended one of those free clinics, but they were terrible. A young graduate reading from a list of things to ask, such as parents, society, etc. But no matter what the angle was, the solution was the same. here take these pills. Its not worth it. I would really like to know why I go through these severe swings in moods and anger and sadness. My regular doc can give me pills to take the edge off temporarily. Long ago, when I went to that hospital, I was told to stay on those pills forever. That just wasn't for me, but I have to wonder if there was a good reason for me to do that.
I know that in time my mood will swing back up, and I will stop feeling bad like this. Right now I have the typical physical ailments I get such as headache, neckache, dizziness and feeling like even a fly landing on a desk is too loud. Maybe, just typing this out helps, as I have to always keep these things to myself which makes me feel worse.

I had a similar experience with feeling just fine for many years, then depression came on like a storm...I tried to fight it without medication for about a year; then, I was visited my primary MD, told him what I was feeling, and he prescribed lexapro. It worked like a champ (other than the massive weight gain). I went off the medication with his advice. After being off the medication for about 4 months, I found out that my wife was having an internet affair...that I was able to handle for a little while, but then my depression came back. I tried lexapro again, but only experienced side-effects. So, off of lexapro, then on to bupropion xl...then, the tinnitus started and it was about to push me over the edge. I'm off of meds for about 3 full days now. I have a follow up with the MD in early July. Before that, I'm going to see a clinical psychologist for at least one session...never give up, and never fail to consider any and all options, whether it's talk therapy or pharmacotherapy or a combination of both. There is hope.