[whimsygirl]

(I'm not sure if I'm in the right place here on the forums.) I've been suffering from a major depressive episode....I've not been doing so well anyway of late, but the apparent "dismissal" by the person who was supposedly my Best Friend....and who I have been in contact with almost every day for over 3 years....has really sent me over the edge. Every time I think things might go better with someone, I end up back here in this oh-so-empty place. No matter what I do, and how careful I try to be when I meet someone new and start feeling like they are a friend, in the end I feel like I was a fool to believe that they really cared about me....no matter what they have said. Sometimes "love" is just a word. So much pain....

[tracist514]

Hey Whimsygirl. I am very sorry you feel this way. And I have been there many times in my life, between relationships and friendships. Recently I had a best friend of 18 years. We were so close and knew EVERYTHING about eachother. Well the last two years he has been beyond distant. At first I was so sad about it and very depressed. I tried to talking to him and he'd have some sort of excuse to why he was losing touch. Well after that last talk I still haven't heard much from him, that was probably 6 months ago. Before that it was a year. I'm learning to accept that he is no longer my "best friend" today. Accept life on life's terms. I'm also in AA (I'm a recovering drunk ). Which so far has taught me a lot about not being able to change others. I can only control myself no one else. I hope you feel better, you are def in the right place to meet nice people. If you want add me to your friendslist. I'm still kinda new to PC and could use some friends as well. Have a great day and keep your head up!

[Leed]

Hi Whimsygirl ~ I'm sorry this has happened. Have you been given NO reason at ALL for this disappearance? I think you deserve some explanation. It's only decent! To just pull away and disappear without any kind of reason or explanation is just cowardly.

I would try to contact this person and ASK if i'd done something wrong or what the problem was so that IF I'd done something I could correct it. But to just leave you wondering isn't fair.

After my husband died, every one of our friends dumped me. No explanation, no nothing. I tried contacting them, but all I ever got was answering machines. I left messages, but no one ever contacted me. I just gave up. I guess they didn't want a single woman in a couples-only group. I didn't know what else to think. We had all gotten along just fine. Who needs them. That was 11 years ago, and I haven't seen or heard from anyone since.

I know it can be painful and lonely -- but try to get out among people. Don't hide away in your home. Yes, it's hard when you're depressed, but once you're out it does feel a little better. I hope you're in therapy. If not, you may want to think about seeing a therapist. It's helped me alot. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by tracist514

Hey Whimsygirl. I am very sorry you feel this way. And I have been there many times in my life, between relationships and friendships. Recently I had a best friend of 18 years. We were so close and knew EVERYTHING about eachother. Well the last two years he has been beyond distant. At first I was so sad about it and very depressed. I tried to talking to him and he'd have some sort of excuse to why he was losing touch. Well after that last talk I still haven't heard much from him, that was probably 6 months ago. Before that it was a year. I'm learning to accept that he is no longer my "best friend" today. Accept life on life's terms. I'm also in AA (I'm a recovering drunk ). Which so far has taught me a lot about not being able to change others. I can only control myself no one else. I hope you feel better, you are def in the right place to meet nice people. If you want add me to your friendslist. I'm still kinda new to PC and could use some friends as well. Have a great day and keep your head up!

Thanks so much for your kindness, it is much appreciated. I am in such a low place today, and lately....and feeling so alone. The person I mentioned, who called me her "BFF", and who I felt that way about, was my only close friend in the world....or so I thought. Unfortunately she had trouble dealing with my depression, but refused to admit it. I would even tell her things like "It's ok if it's difficult....but you can tell me that, and we can talk about it". Or ultimately if you realize it is just too hard for you, then please tell me the truth and just walk away. Although that would be a horrible thing to happen, anything would have been better than remaining in our friendship but not being honest about this. She kept telling me that she DID care about what I went through, and that she loved me "so much", but although she admitted she did not know much about depression, or had ever experienced anything like it, she would never ask me anything about it, or start any conversation, so after a while I felt very uncomfortable talking about it. Kind of like I was "forcing" her to hear about it. And twice when we were on trips together and I had one of my early morning "crying jags", the awkwardness about it was certainly like the pink elephant in the room. Then a few weeks ago I told her that I just couldn't believe what she was telling me....that she was "comfortable" with me suffering with these demons, and being friends with me, it was the beginning of the end. Although she admitted that she'd been hurting me "from the beginning", and said she was "so sorry" and "prayed that the friendship could be repaired". But ever since then she is clearly done with me and not responding to my messages. *Oh and I guess it might be good to mention that we live across the country from each other*. Ok, well, didn't really intend to go on so long, but for anyone who might read this....thank you so much, and I wish you a better day.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi Whimsygirl ~ I'm sorry this has happened. Have you been given NO reason at ALL for this disappearance? I think you deserve some explanation. It's only decent! To just pull away and disappear without any kind of reason or explanation is just cowardly.

I would try to contact this person and ASK if i'd done something wrong or what the problem was so that IF I'd done something I could correct it. But to just leave you wondering isn't fair.

After my husband died, every one of our friends dumped me. No explanation, no nothing. I tried contacting them, but all I ever got was answering machines. I left messages, but no one ever contacted me. I just gave up. I guess they didn't want a single woman in a couples-only group. I didn't know what else to think. We had all gotten along just fine. Who needs them. That was 11 years ago, and I haven't seen or heard from anyone since.

I know it can be painful and lonely -- but try to get out among people. Don't hide away in your home. Yes, it's hard when you're depressed, but once you're out it does feel a little better. I hope you're in therapy. If not, you may want to think about seeing a therapist. It's helped me alot. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Hi Lee....Thanks so very much for your message. What a horrible and hurtful thing your "ex-friends" did to you....I am so sorry you went through that. I will never understand the cruelty some people are capable of, and fight daily to understand that people who would do things like that are in fact also "troubled"....although unlike me, they'll most likely never know it. (Hopefully that made sense!) Sadly, though, because I do suffer from depression (at times severe), when I care about someone and they hurt me badly, I tend to turn it all inwards and feel like it is just further proof that I don't matter in the world. Otherwise, I think I answered some of your questions in the response I just posted. As for therapy, I have been there many times, but must say I've not been lucky with finding the right therapist, which I believe is so important. It can be especially challenging when you live in a rural area, as I do....there just aren't as many options. Plus there's that pesky little thing of no longer having health insurance to help pay for it. We'll see, would really love to talk to someone right about now, (at least for a few sessions), if I could find a good person. Thanks again for your kindness, and the hugs.....

[regretful]

Depression is really a terrible illness. Our close friends avoid us because it might remind them of just how fragile they are too. I'm sorry your friend dumped you. I'm in a similar situation - a dear friend of mine suggested that I should go into business for myself; it is the same business he is in, and while it has worked out well for him, this business has only caused me misery. Now, when I need that friend for support, he avoids me like the plague. So, what you might be feeling is what I am - the double whammy of betrayal and abandonment.

Don't give up on finding the right therapist. Prior to starting my business, I was a practicing psychologist. I saw many people who just could not find the right clinician; by the same token, I know that I was not the right fit for everyone I saw in my office. It takes some determination. And if you get into a therapy appointment and it doesn't feel like a good fit right away, then don't go back. If you think our initial perceptions aren't that good, then I suggest you read the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell (I think that's the author's full name)...

I do wish you well in your fight with this illness. It's not an easy row to hoe. If therapy is cost prohibitive, then you might try pastoral counseling (if you are religious, or even if you are not, priests, rabbis, etc will listen empathically); and I agree with what others have said about getting out among people...the other thing that might dramatically improve the mood is to exercise. Even if it is just walking, there is a real benefit to exercise that has been demonstrated in many research studies to be an effective means of improving the mood.

Best wishes to you on your quest for feeling well again, and know that there is a clinical psychologist (me) who is fighting a similar battle with depression. You are not alone.

[laralula]

hang in there whimsygirl... I have been through the same thing and I know how much it hurts. I feel afraid to reach out to new people because I know I will expect too much of them, since I have no one else. I feel like it is so hard to start from scratch because everyone seems to have their circle of friends.

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by regretful

Depression is really a terrible illness. Our close friends avoid us because it might remind them of just how fragile they are too. I'm sorry your friend dumped you. I'm in a similar situation - a dear friend of mine suggested that I should go into business for myself; it is the same business he is in, and while it has worked out well for him, this business has only caused me misery. Now, when I need that friend for support, he avoids me like the plague. So, what you might be feeling is what I am - the double whammy of betrayal and abandonment.

Don't give up on finding the right therapist. Prior to starting my business, I was a practicing psychologist. I saw many people who just could not find the right clinician; by the same token, I know that I was not the right fit for everyone I saw in my office. It takes some determination. And if you get into a therapy appointment and it doesn't feel like a good fit right away, then don't go back. If you think our initial perceptions aren't that good, then I suggest you read the book Blink by Malcolm Gladwell (I think that's the author's full name)...

I do wish you well in your fight with this illness. It's not an easy row to hoe. If therapy is cost prohibitive, then you might try pastoral counseling (if you are religious, or even if you are not, priests, rabbis, etc will listen empathically); and I agree with what others have said about getting out among people...the other thing that might dramatically improve the mood is to exercise. Even if it is just walking, there is a real benefit to exercise that has been demonstrated in many research studies to be an effective means of improving the mood.

Best wishes to you on your quest for feeling well again, and know that there is a clinical psychologist (me) who is fighting a similar battle with depression. You are not alone.

Thanks so much for your message. The sharing of your story and your compassion are very much appreciated. I am so sorry about what you have been ~are going through with your friend....it's such a mystery to me how people can treat others the way they sometimes do, and of course the fact that they can do it to people who they at one time cherished. So sad. I sometimes wonder what people think about while they are being so unkind....oh well but I'll never know. Otherwise, thanks for your advice and encouragement regarding therapy. Unfortunately, partly as a result of living where there is not a huge lot to choose from, I have in the past made the mistake of sticking with someone who just didn't "feel right", and personally I believe that just made me feel worse than ever....like I couldn't even get that right! I learned my lesson though, and will not repeat that. As you are ~were(?) a psychologist, it is interesting hearing about this from your point of view. Thanks again for the kindness and good wishes....and I wish the same for you. I hope we will talk again sometime.....

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by laralula

hang in there whimsygirl... I have been through the same thing and I know how much it hurts. I feel afraid to reach out to new people because I know I will expect too much of them, since I have no one else. I feel like it is so hard to start from scratch because everyone seems to have their circle of friends.

Thanks so much for your message laralula. Yes, it seems the whole "friends thing" has been painful for a lot of us who suffer with this depression demon. I'm so sorry that you've been hurt by people in your life, and I get what you're saying about people already having their "circle"....so true. I know what is so discouraging to me is that I do try and be careful, and not to be too quick to trust someone....but in the end I sometimes feel like a fool for ever having believed that they cared. Don't know if that makes any sense to you, but that's been kind of a pattern with me. Sending kind thoughts your way.....

[mrmag]

i know exackly how u feel o have been in that state of my life for over 4 years so try to last as long as u can i know im gist abought ready to give up thats when i became despret and came hear. good luck with life and i hope u live strong anouf to live on and not stay in thais state as long as me good luck out there

[whimsygirl]

Originally Posted by mrmag

i know exackly how u feel o have been in that state of my life for over 4 years so try to last as long as u can i know im gist abought ready to give up thats when i became despret and came hear. good luck with life and i hope u live strong anouf to live on and not stay in thais state as long as me good luck out there

Thanks so much for your message, and I wish you good luck too

[regretful]

Originally Posted by whimsygirl

Thanks so much for your message. The sharing of your story and your compassion are very much appreciated. I am so sorry about what you have been ~are going through with your friend....it's such a mystery to me how people can treat others the way they sometimes do, and of course the fact that they can do it to people who they at one time cherished. So sad. I sometimes wonder what people think about while they are being so unkind....oh well but I'll never know. Otherwise, thanks for your advice and encouragement regarding therapy. Unfortunately, partly as a result of living where there is not a huge lot to choose from, I have in the past made the mistake of sticking with someone who just didn't "feel right", and personally I believe that just made me feel worse than ever....like I couldn't even get that right! I learned my lesson though, and will not repeat that. As you are ~were(?) a psychologist, it is interesting hearing about this from your point of view. Thanks again for the kindness and good wishes....and I wish the same for you. I hope we will talk again sometime.....

Yeah...people and the way the treat others is something that I will never understand. I used to work in a facility in NY that would be equivalent to the California Youth Authority...Juvenile delniquents and juvenile offenders who really treated people poorly. I thought that I could make some inroads with them, and I think I did. As a result of that, I'm still genuinely hopeful for humanity, espeically with friendships.

Anyway, I'm digressing...if you decide to start therapy again, tell the clinician what you need, and if something is not working out to your liking, tell them. When I was in graduate school I had to have mandatory therapy as a requirement for graduation. The therapist I saw was always about 15 minutes behind schedule with me (unlike psychiatrists, psychologists usually run right on time). Well, I was upset during each session, but I never told that guy...that is, until I had a conversation with a school friend who I have remained in contact with. My school friend said, "tell him that you don't appreciate waiting, and tell him that you feel your time is just as valuable as anyone else's". I did that, and the therapy greatly improved after that.

Oh, and don't fall into the belief that only a psychologist can be of assistance. The degreee doesn't matter; it is your belief in the therapist, no matter what their credentials.

Good luck, and thanks for your reply!