[Skope]

Hi there,
My bf of 5 yeears has depression and anxiety disorder. He is not on any meds or receiving any help at the moment, by choice. In the past he has been on and off meds as he feels they don't work.
He has said some really horrib;e things to me in the past and this week and his solution is to break up so he can be alone in his suffering. How do I show him he can't fight the depression without help?

He;s tried councilling on and off for years and said there's no point to it. I've been supportive, encouraging, given space when required. But when he wants to be left alone he turns to alcohol which never turns out good for either of us. But what's the reason for the nastiness and anger towards me?
He's not apologized as of yet, but for the things he said I would've expected something. I feel so angry towards him but can't show it as he takes it so badly.

He says he doesnt think he loves me anymore, is that the depression talking? I think it is as he's on no help at all, medical or emotional. His doctor said it will be a 8 week wait for councilling. How can that be??

[regretful]

Sadly, it takes a long time to get into therapy anywhere in the states...Keep trying. Alcohol seems like it is a big contributor, but you already mentioned that...

It probably is the depression talking. When people are depressed, they don't want to be around anyone. I know that's how I am...

Maybe he's nasty towards you because of his suffering - you know, displaced aggression and such...

I hope that the two of you can talk things out. My wife has been angry at me because of my depression, and I've been angry at her because of what I perceive to be lack of support - but we do the best we can to talk it out with each other.

It is my sincere hope that your bf gets in with a good therapist and also addresses his substance abuse problems.

[Skope]

Originally Posted by regretful

Sadly, it takes a long time to get into therapy anywhere in the states...Keep trying. Alcohol seems like it is a big contributor, but you already mentioned that...

It probably is the depression talking. When people are depressed, they don't want to be around anyone. I know that's how I am...

Maybe he's nasty towards you because of his suffering - you know, displaced aggression and such...

I hope that the two of you can talk things out. My wife has been angry at me because of my depression, and I've been angry at her because of what I perceive to be lack of support - but we do the best we can to talk it out with each other.

It is my sincere hope that your bf gets in with a good therapist and also addresses his substance abuse problems.

Thank you for your kind words. He says he doesnt see a future, for himself or with me. And doesnt think he can provide me with the future I want. How can I be supportive when hes breaking up with me?

[Skope]

When he gets really frustrated he blames me for it, says I make him feel this way and if we went together he would be fine. But then when he is sober he knows this isn't true.
He wants to break up, rather than get help as he feels like he will never change, never get better. This is a kick in the teeth to me and I feel lost and helpless.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Skope!

You've probably heard it all before, but you might find something you've overlooked below:
10 Ways to Help Someone with Depression (PsychCentral/NIMH)
How to Help a Friend with Depression (Bucknell University)
PsychCentral Caregivers Support Forum

You need to take care of yourself as well.

[Leed]

I can't believe that NO antidepressant worked. Personally I think he didn't want to wait until they began taking effect. Many of them take 6 weeks before they even take effect, so probably he stopped taking them before they even started working! He sounds like he's not a very patient man!

If you can talk him into trying the meds again and WAITING until they take effect, I'm SURE he'd feel better! Cymbalta only takes about 2-3 weeks before it starts working (usually) while most of the ohers are 6 wks. And yes, it CAN take a very long time to get into a therapist these days as so many people are trying to get in. He could be put on a cancellation list tho, and when someone calcels, they'll call him, and he'd have to be ready at a moments notice tho.

I hope he contacts you, but it might be awhile. I'm sure he's actiing like this due to the depression. Depression is anger turned inward. Right now, he's OUTWARDLY angry and it sounds like he's mad at the world! It might be best to just give him space, and not try to contact him. Just stay away, and let him contact you. Wait until he cools down. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[regretful]

Originally Posted by Skope

When he gets really frustrated he blames me for it, says I make him feel this way and if we went together he would be fine. But then when he is sober he knows this isn't true.
He wants to break up, rather than get help as he feels like he will never change, never get better. This is a kick in the teeth to me and I feel lost and helpless.

The more I read about this, the more it sounds like a substance abuse issue. Can you get your boyfriend to at least entertain the idea of AA? If not, then look for a rational recovery group in your area. A dear friend of mine (now deceased of natural causes) was not a fan of AA; he found an SOS (save our selves) group, and that got him on the track to sobriety, saved his life and improved his marraige.

Rational recovery does not get a lot of press in the US. But there is some information that you might find by simply searching Rational Recovery or try www.rational.org .

Best wishes to you.

[Skope]

Thank you for the links, I will read them today.

Leed you are spot on, for as long as I've known him he has never taken meds for 6 weeks straight. I can't force him to, as he thinks all I see is him as one big label of depression. I've said he must do other things such as take walks in the sunshine, eat fruit and veg, lose weight, quit smoking.. but all one step at a time. But he cant do it. He tries then fails then feels worse.
He knows he has a drink problem but wont/cant face dealing with it.

He is breaking up with me, he says he won't feel depressed if he is with me. So that's it over. I'm so angry and at upset that hes taking the easy way out.

[Mom of Jr Sooner]

We always hurt those we love the most. Sounds like he is in a dark place, needs help and medication. Encourage him (very kindly) to see help. This is a life cycle that never really goes away.

[Skope]

I have tried to encourage him, tried to point him in the right direction but he chooses to go in the complete opposote direction then blame me for it. He has made the decision to break up with me, I feel so upset, lost and sad.

[regretful]

I'm so sorry to hear that. From what you've written, it appears that you've tried all that you can. While you are feeling upset, lost and sad, do try to keep coming back to these forums for support.

Wishing you well.

[Mom of Jr Sooner]

Then there is nothing else you can do. We each must take responsibility for ourselves and our own actions. Don't allow yourself to become his hostile outlet. Work on healing yourself from 5 years of the emotional roller coaster that mental illness brings. At this point, he must find his own way even if you know it isn't the best path. He gets to make his own choices even if they are wrong. You must take care of yourself. I am the adult daughter of a mentally ill father who abused me emotionally for years. It is extremely hard to let go, watch him fail miserably but I can only take care of myself. Mental illness causes some to use and abuse those close to them. It is time for you to move out of his destructive path. Sometimes they must hit bottom to ever look up and work towards getting well. My heart breaks for you but he doesn't definite your life. You do!!

[Skope]

Thank you.

He says he doesnt blame me, but feels insulted that i am blaming his personality on all of this. That i am doing what typical women do and try and change and improve their partners. So in a way that is still blaming me. He feels insulted that this all comes down to depression and not external factors such as problems from the beginning of our relationship.

[Mom of Jr Sooner]

Depression causes so many differ things and comes in so many different forms. I pray for your family but please know you can't allow yourself to be his emotional punching bag. Life is short and you deserve to be happy. Some depression stays with you and is a constant life battle.

[Fuzzybear]

[Skope]

I've failed in keeping quiet. I'm so sorry. I shouldve have came on here and read the strong wise words before I did anything.
I went round and ended up just venting everything to him about what hes doing and how hes takign it all out on me. I know i've just pushed him further away now, but i feel so helpless. He says he doesn't feel depressed or doesnt drink when hes not with me, that I make him feel this way and that hurts as i know that isn't true. He just doesnt have to deal with any of it when he's in a relationship. He says he needs stability and hes stable without me. I see myself losing it with him, but cant control it.

[Mom of Jr Sooner]

Let him go!! He is blaming you for his issues and you don't deserve it. You don't want a relationship with any man who won't take responsibility for himself. He is playing the victim. You know, it's always someone's else fault. Move on. Your better off without him.

[Skope]

You are right i know you are. I get angry and how he cant see it and blames me so much.

I shouldnt have done it. He called me drunk and very angry, accused me of ruining his weekend and making this the worst year of his life. Accusing me of going out to meet guys (i was going out with my friends on fri nite) and a whole lot of other stuff.

[Mom of Jr Sooner]

Like I said, he is blaming you for all the wrong in his life rather than take responsibility for his own actions. Calling you drunk shows his level of maturity. Life is too short to spend the rest of your life with the wrong guy.

[Skope]

Hi again. I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to come to terms with what has happened. I haven't been able to spend more than one night in our house as he has taken all his belongings. I end up just pacing the floor slowly going insane.
I have heard through mutual friends that he has been taking more of an interest in his photography - something which I always encouraged him to pursue, but he never would fully. So now he is?! What a slap in the face. It appears now to others that he "finally" able to do all the things he always wanted now that we are no longer together, that I was in someway holding him back. Which I know is untrue, he knows deep down is untrue. But why now do the things that make you happy, which now help keep your depression at bay, but not for us when we were together?

[Skope]

Hi sorry me again.
I am not coping very well with this. I am not coping with the fact that now we have separated, he is doing all the things that I always encouraged him to do, things with would have helped his depression when we were together. I am mot coping very well with the fact he is going out, probably drinking every night, and meeting other people, specifically girls. The thought of him flirting with othe girls, going on dates and trying to impress other girls, leading to sleeping with someone.