I am overwhelmed by the things in my life that I cannot change.

My upbringing / parenting that was so cold, abusive and neglectful. I suffer from PTSD and C-PTSD, problems for which there are currently no cures.

I am gay and can't deal with it. I live an isolated life. I have been emotionally bullied many times by both straights and gays. Counseling has not helped.

I am not handsome and that turns people off. It makes me an outcast. And, I hate being bald. A hair transplant is not an option - my hair is too thin. I have other chronic physical ailments as well. There are no cures.

I hate my life.

[hidesad]

I've been crying for weeks so I'm probably no help but we have to keep searching for the answers to find happiness and peace in our life.

[jelly-bean]

I'm very sorry that you are feeling so badly today. You are very hard on yourself. You should try to give yourself a break. It's quite possible that others do NOT see you the way you see yourself. I suffer from some of the same things you suffer from so I feel like I can say this. Never mind what YOU think others think of you. Try to learn to love yourself because it's the most important thing you can do for you right now. You are NOT alone. You have at least one friend here.

[Leed]

Bless your heart. You need a hug. (((HUG))) If I was there, I'd give you a REAL one.

My upbringing was "nothing" too. I might as well have been part of the furniture as I got NO affection at all. No hugs, NO "I love you's" , No pats on the back, nothing. I never even had a curfew. In fact if I never came home, they probably wouldn't have noticed. I promised myself if I had kids I'd lavish them with affection -- and I DID. I had 2 kids, a boy and a girl and they've NEVER had to wonder if they were loved. NEVER.

So WHAT if you are gay?? You are STILL a worthwhile, worthy, good, kind, decent, good-looking (YES YOU ARE) human being!!! It doesn't matter ONE BIT if you are gay or not! The people that can't handle THAT are nasty, hateful bigots who will be judged by God!

If counseling hasn't helped, then you have not found the right counselor. Counseling SHOULD help, and you must have found a counselor who hasn't got the "balls" to deal with gay people and depression. You need to keep looking -- why not INTERVIEW a counselor before starting sessions? It IS allowed, and they shouldn't charge you for it. But please try again? Please?

I do NOT believe that you are not handsome -- just because you're bald has nothing to do with it, because many women find baldness a "sexy thing." I too think it's pretty sexy so don't use that as a "turn off" cause it's NOT. I would BET that you're a pretty good looking guy!!! You might just be a little shy -- and that can be helped. You are NOT a "turnoff." Please believe me.

I'm not the best lookiing thing on the planet either -- in fact I have a long nose, which I HATE. Plus I'm a chronic painer, and I limp. *I* think I look like Phyllis Diller BEFORE her nose job -- but I still get hit on. So I'm sure YOU can find a girl. LOL

Your life CAN get better if you let it. Get some counseling, ok? Look for a new counselor cause your old one was a jerk. Like I said, interview one and make sure they can handle your issues. And come back here and let me know what happens, will you PLEASE? I really care. God bless and please take care. BIG hugs, Lee

Well, I am trying to deal. I went out for a haircut and got some groceries and treated myself to 2 mini-pies. (And 2 carrots for good health.) I would like to go either to the gym or bike riding but instead will go to a free jazz concert in my neighborhood this afternoon. I had a glass of white wine to relax.

I have had many therapists both gay and straight. And, I had many different types of therapy. The results have been so meager that I cannot justify the expense - I would like to do other things with my life than sit in a chair talking. The chances of me sleeping with women is nil - there is no arousal on my part. And, most of my abusers have been women. I have mixed emotions about sex; I really don't like being touched. I am watching the US Open (tennis) even though I cannot play anymore due to injuries. It's frustrating not being able to play tennis or sports of any kind. Unlike most gay men, I do not like theater. I do not fit in the gay community at all. How you look is very important in the gay community. I do not measure up.

[anneoin]

You have a lot going on, and it's so hard to face the new day sometimes.
Each day, looking for one good thing can keep a head above water.

Do you have a counsellor now?
I've had some crap counsellors, a couple decent/good ones, and one very good one. Maybe give a try to a new counsellor if that's an option.

Hang in there. We're all here for each other.

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

I am overwhelmed by the things in my life that I cannot change.

My upbringing / parenting that was so cold, abusive and neglectful. I suffer from PTSD and C-PTSD, problems for which there are currently no cures.

I am gay and can't deal with it. I live an isolated life. I have been emotionally bullied many times by both straights and gays. Counseling has not helped.

I am not handsome and that turns people off. It makes me an outcast. And, I hate being bald. A hair transplant is not an option - my hair is too thin. I have other chronic physical ailments as well. There are no cures.

I hate my life.

[Leed]

Dearheart, you THINK you don't measure up. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else is. My guess is that you would measure up just as good as anyone else!!!

Why do you think you would not measure up? Is it your looks? I don't believe it, because like I said before, I would bet that you're a VERY good looking guy but you are just too judgmental about yourself. We NEVER are satisfied about ourselves -- I'm not either! But others see us differently. Others see us attractive and handsome/pretty!!!

Is it your clothes? You can find great looking clothes at thrift stores if you can't afford new. And I'm not kidding! I've seen clothes with the price tag still on them, and they're great looking and from expensive stores! Go looking at some thrift stores --- and dont' be embarassed about going there, cause I've seen even supposedly "well off" people in there, which surprised me! LOL

Don't be so hard/harsh about yourself. You need to learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else. And that's true cause I learned that thru years of therapy. I have a sticker on my mirror that says : "You are looking at the problem" and that is SO true! I am my own worst enemy -- and I have to work daily at overcoming that.

You must start too. You must start to BELIEVE that you are a handsome, GOOD, worthy of love, kind and wonderful person! And you have to learn to love yourself! Start today! And keep me informed, will you. We can talk privately if you like. Private message me if you want to. I'll be there. Hugs, Lee

Well, Leed, there is a recurring pattern in my life of people abusing me. I am totally beaten down to the point where I suffer from terrible C-PTSD.

As far as sexuality goes, I really want to be asexual. Sex and love are not for me. I freak out when someone is attracted to me. I can't date - it's no fun. I have very mixed feelings about having a relationship. I really just want to be alone like I have been my entire life. That's what I know and that's what I am comfortable with. I don't understand interpersonal relationships. I go blank and am unable to communicate my feelings. As for sex, I'd rather not get involved. I truly believe it's better that way. When people are attracted to me, it brings up feelings from rejection of my parents, who I never bonded with. So, dating and relationships are not enjoyable. I find love to be emotionally painful and avoid it totally. The more therapy I have, the worse the emotional pain seems to get.

[unaluna]

not kidding - with that last paragraph, you gotta be soulmates with at least 2 pct of the people on PC.

[Leed]

Therapy is painful ONLY until you get past the painful parts. For instance, you say your childhood was painful -== so was mine, but after I got thru all the crap of my childhood in therapy, the therapy was NOT painful anymore. Honestly! All I had to do was tell the story of my childhood, the therapist asked questions about it, and we worked on the problems that it caused! Simple as that.

Perhaps you do want to remain asexual, but you really SHOULD deal with the problems of your childhood. It makes your life easier to bear -- believe me, I've been there and since i've gotten rid of that garbage, I no longer cry at the drop of a hat, or sit and dwell on my past for hours. Plus things don't trigger me, and I CAN have friendships that aren't affected by anythiing from my past! Big difference!

Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by Leed

Therapy is painful ONLY until you get past the painful parts. For instance, you say your childhood was painful -== so was mine, but after I got thru all the crap of my childhood in therapy, the therapy was NOT painful anymore. Honestly! All I had to do was tell the story of my childhood, the therapist asked questions about it, and we worked on the problems that it caused! Simple as that.

Perhaps you do want to remain asexual, but you really SHOULD deal with the problems of your childhood. It makes your life easier to bear -- believe me, I've been there and since i've gotten rid of that garbage, I no longer cry at the drop of a hat, or sit and dwell on my past for hours. Plus things don't trigger me, and I CAN have friendships that aren't affected by anythiing from my past! Big difference!

Hugs, Lee

I have told my childhood story to many therapists. It has not made me better. In fact, it has scared a lot of therapists. Telling your childhood history to a therapist does not cure anything.

I guess since I am gay, the correct term to live a sex free life is celibate and not asexual. The reason for being celibate is more than my childhood, it is also my body, which lets me down. I am lucky to have my body survive unscathed from day-to-day life. Sexuality only seems to cause more physical problems on top of those I already have.