Sad, Lonely, Depressed Scared

Hi all!!!
I have not posted lately though I have been lurking just trying to find some solace and hoping that I could reach out and help someone else and found I have not been able to. I am truly sorry for that. I want to I just can't get myself to say the words that are in my heart!
This may be long as I have a rambling problem so maybe you might want to stop now...
Quick catch up, I am female, 48 with MS, housebound 99% of time, have a man who loves me, today is our tenth wedding aniversary though we have lived together almost 20 years.
We won't do anything special, I am sure I won't even see a card, as he gives gifts all the time so feels holidays and such are nothing special I guess.
I also give to him a gift for no reason, but I will still do Christmas , Valentines etc.
I am not complaining about this really. Just feeling very very lonely.
I have become more disabled in the last two years, and more in the last year. I still can walk, a short distance do some household chores. Heck if I didn't do them they never ever get done.....
Okay maybe I am complaining....
No I am feeling very very alone. Right now my man is at work, right across the street, convienient in case I get ill. Then again is he really there? I have called a few times and he is never available. I can't just walk over there because I have 24 steps down and he is also on a 2nd floor with even more steps. And NO disabled things.... Anyhow, my husband is 43 at the end of month. Now I went through menopause many years ago with no real problems, though age and the MS are now playing tricks with my body. We haven't had sex (can I say that here) in almost a year. How can a man just stop wanting sex. I mean nothing from me at all... I have gained weight, even though I eat very little, apparently my metabolism is off and I have not seen the endocronologist yet, along with urologist. My husband was and is attracted to women who are very very thin which I was until the last few years. I never weighed this much when pregnant..... I myself can't stand how I look but knowing that he can't stand me either is driving me crazy....
I don't know what I am trying to say here, maybe its nothing more than a rant... I am scared though. I don't THINK he would cheat on me, but I also thought that of my first husband... I just can't understand why he doesn't want anything intimate at all with me. Can I be so hideous to him... Has he become nothing but my caretaker? I honestly don't know and I am scared to bring it up because when I bring up anything about our relationship he gets extremely defensive... He sez we don't have sex because it hurts me, okay it did, I saw doctor, tried some cream to see if that helped and though I have hinted that I think it has helped he makes no move at all... I don't exist for him this way.
Yes he hugs me and kisses on the cheek or lips. Heck a few weeks ago he gave me a real kiss when we reached the bottom of the steps and that just threw me off because I don't remember the last time he kissed me.... I can't stand me as it is and to have my best friend feel the same, what does that say????
I am scared and so alone and there is absolutely no one I can talk with....I take him into Dr. appt.'s with me because I can't always remember things so I can't even talk with the doctor openly about this....What can I do..... I am 48 and though ill I am not dead. I need to be held, but not like he holds everyone else..... Im scared really scared anyone have any ideas any at all would be greatly appreciated....Thank you if you came this far with me

You have nothing to lose by sharing this openly with him. Some sensitive men get it in their heads that they are doing something wrong if they want to be intimate with someone who is frail for whatever reason. My spouse is like that. He is overly concerned that everything is okay and he's not forcing etc.

The other suggestion I have is to look for M.S. support groups. It's an illness with many ups and downs. can't hurt to share with others who know. Good luck.

I do agree that you have nothing to lose by sharing this openly with him. If you feel you cannot talk to him, perhaps write him a letter? It is obvious that you love him dearly so I am sorry that you are feeling so lonely. I felt very sad for you when reading your post.

My thoughts are with you.

you could print your post out and give it to him to read. xxoxo pat

(((((((( walkswithspiritbear ))))))))

((((((( HUGS ))))))) - I am so SORRY that you are feeling so rejected and unwanted by the man that you love.... as I was reading your post all I could think of was "IS HE SCARED HE MIGHT BE HURTING YOU" and then I read that you two had stopped having sex due to the physical pain it was causing you.... I would have to say that your husband is probably frightened to death that he is hurting the woman he loves and as much as he NEEDS (and wants to be sexual with you) he will not for he cares to much for YOU - you are more that just a mere sex object/thing to him.... he is denying himself sexually for YOU.

Have YOU and HIM talked about this issue in more detailed with each other? - If YES, but it has been awhile might I suggest that you give it another try.... for I suffer from RA and sex had been a problem in our marriage for a short while (until) I talked to my husband about it all and now we work together to bring each other JOY thru SEX! - slow and easy can still get you to where you want to go.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Thank you to all of you who took the time to read and answer if you did.... I appreciate the kindness. Sometimes this is so hard and I never know which way to turn....Hugs to all who want them....