[confusedmonkey]

I'm not sure where to post this as it can fit in so many areas. I ave been going through a lot of life lately and I don't know if I am just being a big baby or what. I had a girlfriend for a year and the two of us fought all the time. the last 10 months was just one fight after another. she would always blame me for everything and it seemed nothing I ever did was good enough. she is a wonderful woman but we just weren't meant to be. the more she complained about what I didn't do the more sad and withdrawn I got. I tried to ask her many times to focus on what I am doing and not what I'm not doing. she started assuming I was cheating on her because i had gotten so withdrawn. I'm not gonna get into too much detail about the relationship. anyway. so a few months ago my grandfather died. a couple months after that my puppy died. then a couple months after that my girlfriend and I split up. I haven't been able to talk to her and just when I think I'm starting to get better I foundout she is three months pregnant. I have been bathroom.g in my head for a while now on what my problem is. On one hand I know I am a great nice friendly caring person. on the other I start to wonder if I am this monster she has painted me to be. I understand in fights people say mean things but she constantly belittled me calling me pathetic an a hole sob all that. all of her friends and family hate me. and here I am stuck in the struggle. am I really a monster. should I leave her alone and stay away. she didn't tell me she was pregnant I found out from a family member. I am 100% certain she was faithful in the relationship. if she wasn't working she was with me and visa versa. she wouldn't allow it any other way. I've taken a few online depression test things and they all at severe depression. lately I have been getting anxiety attacks. I just want to break down and cry. sometimes I do. just thinking about it males me well up. I've just got so much built up I don't know how to handle it. I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now. I usually feel a little better for a day. then its right back down in the pits. I try to keep the bad thoughts away but they infect my mind and my dreams. I've lost 30 lbs in the last 8 weeks and sleep is hard to find. I just don't know what to do or how to fix things.

[echo555]

Sorry, I can't give any good advice about you and your girlfriends relationship...I haven't been in a relationship in well over 5-6 years and the last relationship I was in was very dysfunctional, there rarely was a time that me and my girlfriend bonded...as far as your depression though? I can relate better to that. From my experience, it can take months for therapy to help (plus, finding a good therapist isn't easy either). Taking an online depression test is a good first step, but I'd take it to the next level and see a psychiatrist if you think you are clinically depressed. From my experience, the longer you put off getting some help the longer it's going to take to treat the depression and you don't want to end up severe depression that could last years, that could take a big chunk of your life from you. So I'd make an appointment with a doctor if the depression is consuming you, regardless, of what your therapist says...you can ask him/her too though, just to see what they think...medication is usually the last resort but sometimes it's necessary in severe cases. Take care of yourself.

[Sierrarose]

I’m sorry but it didn’t sound like a happy relationship and the important thing for now seems to be your health.

Have you seen a doctor about the suspected depression?

You really need to concentrate on getting yourself to a good place before trying to work out where the relationship is going.

Best wishes.

[confusedmonkey]

The relationship[ is over and I understand that. Ive been trying to work on my happiness and I just feel so stuck. I go through bouts of severe sadness. I can be somewhat not sad for a little while. But the reality of everything keeps hitting me and sending me into uncontrolable crying. I wake up in the middle of the night and just lose it. I will be at work thinking about everything and it just hits. I almost feel bipolar but I dont think that is it. The pain just seems to feel like its getting worse and worse. Its getting so unbearable. its hard to talk to anyone around me about how I really feel. Everyone just says it will get better in time. Im losing all hope. Maybe I am in the wrong place to talk about this. I havent told the therapist I am depressed but I have explained how all of this stuff has happened. Even when I am talking to her I have to struggle to keep away the tears. If I can ever get my mind off of the things going on I can function. I just dont know anymore.

[confusedmonkey]

I havent talked to the therapist about the depression but Ive talked about everything thats gone on. Even when I go to talk to her I struggle to keep the tears away and try to stay in control of the sadness. This pain is getting so unbearable and doesnt seem to be getting any better. Its just hurting more and more. My relationship is over and I understand that. I know it is for the best but now there is a baby involved. Its been my dream to have a child ever since I can remember. Now I am going to have one and I dont even know if I will be in its life. I almost feel bipolar with my feelings. I can put on a happy face now and then but as soon as reality hits me again its all over. I wake up in the middle of the night now and then and just start crying. Ive almost had to go take breaks at work just to hide it. I dont know how to control these feelings and I have been trying so hard to. Its hard to talk to anyone because they all say it will get better in time. Time doesnt seem to be healing anything only seems to be hurting more. Maybe I am in the wrong place to talk about it. My words are so sparadic because there is just so much to say and I dont know how to get it all out.

[Sierrarose]

The break up of a relationship is likened to grieving, you lost someone after all. I believe what you are feeling is quite natural in the present circumstances. This is a natural process and it’ll take time, so in the meantime be good and gentle with yourself. Don’t expect too much from yourself for now. See it as a process that a normal caring, loving person must go through. And know that the sun will shine again for you. Best wishes.

[Leed]

Hi ~ First I think you need to know WHAT you're grieving for. Is it for the relationship? It really wasn't very good, was it? She was always on your about something. She was always criticizing you for something and calling you names. Are you grieving forr tie IDEA of a relationship? Is it that you just want to be in ANY relationship because you're lonely? I can understand that -- it's awful to be lonely. If that's it, then lets OWN it and call it by name -- loneliness.

Or are you depressed because she's pregnant? I really don't think that's it because you felt awful before you even found out. That may have added to the depression -- but I don't think that's at the core.

I think your BASIC problem is loneliness plus with the baby coming, you're not sure you'll be in the baby's life -- well you have to make SURE you'll be in it's life -- and you can do that LEGALLY. So don't worry about that!!!

God bless monkey --- I know what loneliness/depression is my friend. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[confusedmonkey]

Originally Posted by Leed

Hi ~ First I think you need to know WHAT you're grieving for. Is it for the relationship? It really wasn't very good, was it? She was always on your about something. She was always criticizing you for something and calling you names. Are you grieving forr tie IDEA of a relationship? Is it that you just want to be in ANY relationship because you're lonely? I can understand that -- it's awful to be lonely. If that's it, then lets OWN it and call it by name -- loneliness.

Or are you depressed because she's pregnant? I really don't think that's it because you felt awful before you even found out. That may have added to the depression -- but I don't think that's at the core.

I think your BASIC problem is loneliness plus with the baby coming, you're not sure you'll be in the baby's life -- well you have to make SURE you'll be in it's life -- and you can do that LEGALLY. So don't worry about that!!!

God bless monkey --- I know what loneliness/depression is my friend. Take care. Hugs, Lee

I would say youre pretty close but off at the same time. I am not depressed because she is pregnant, I was excited. But due to the circumstances it makes me incredibly sad at the same time. Here I cannot even talk to her and we are having a baby. She is painting me to be such a monster. What if I am that monster. Should I just leave them alone and not be in my childs life. I have always wanted a child and now I am having one. But I want to do whats best for it. Ive been trying to research whats best for it but found inconclusive information. I want to be able to be there so bad. And no the relationship wasnt great. But thats because I didnt know how to handle a lot of the things that went on. I think she has Borderline personality disorder. Just from what I have found out recently. She was pushing me away but not wanting me to go if that makes sense. I know she had a rough life and I feel if I woulda took the time sooner to look into it I could have learned how to best hadnle situations and fix the way thigns were. I feel like I let her down. She was the most amazing woman in the beginning. I dont know. I just feel terrible. And if I legally win any rights to see my child. What have I won? The right to have her be even morem iserable having to deal with me for the next 18 years? Why would I want to subject my child to a dual household... These are just a couple of the struggles going on in my mind 24/7

[Leed]

Monkey, you say if you had known sooner about her problems, maybe you could have fixed things -- NO you couldn't because if he is BP, she needs to be "fixed" by a therapist. YOU can't fix things. She is sick -- and no one else but a doctor/psychiatrist is going to be able to make things better. As hard as you tried, you couldn't make things better. She would just keep pushing you further and further away.

As for the child -- it's better for the child to have a part-time father than NO father at all! Believe me. Having a male figure in the child's life is going to be extremely important, expecially if the male figures truly loves him/her. With any luck, she'll give you as much time as you like with the child -- it won't be structured by the courts. But even if it is, as least the child will HAVE a father and that's the most important thing!!! This isn't about HER -- it's about the CHILD. If she wants to be miserable, oh well. She doesn't HAVE to be. She can follow her therapist's advice and get along with you for the SAKE of the child. But it's not about EITHER of you.