[Reality_Perfection]

Okay, so this whole depression stuff started around this time last year and it hasn't left me alone since. I was working at a restaurant last year as a bartender and it caused a lot of stress for me. I ended up quitting in December due to having a panic attack while I was working behind the bar and that was also the day a new manager took over the place. I was having an extremely terrible night because I was running out of everything that I needed to make and serve the drinks with and we had margarita things that needed to be refilled but I couldn't do it myself because the jugs I filled them up with we're too heavy for me to hold and I continually was trying to get someone else's attention to help me, but for whatever reason they would say yes and then end up forgetting or whatever. I mean I know it was a busy night and they had there own things to deal with, but I couldn't do anything for my situation until someone helped me. As if things couldn't possibly get any worse the new manager decides to give me the responsibility of taking to go orders and answering the phone. This was in no way possible because I still had to cut limes, refill most of everything, serve my customers, and make drinks for the servers and their customers. This was when I really lost it. I started to feel extremely angry and I almost impulsively threw a glass on the ground and I desperately wanted to cuss out one of my coworkers for telling me to hurry up with his drink. I luckily didn't act on my impulses, but I angrily got my purse and decided to go out to my car. By the time I got to my car, tears were streaming heavily down my face and I was having trouble breathing. I called my fiancé and told him to come pick me up and explain to my manager that I would not be working the rest of that night. I ended up quitting without telling anybody there and I didn't even call anyone till about 2 weeks later. I apologized and the manager said that it was okay and that he would still allow me to work there if I wanted to in the future. I did not ever want to work there or anywhere else for a while because I I felt like my mental state was not healthy enough to work and be under stress. Next week will be the first time that I will be working since then. I'm a little frightened by the idea because it is at another restaurant and I'm scared that I will eventually have another melt down there and end up quitting. Another bad thing that has happened in my life lately is that I got my license suspended for speeding over the limit a year before it got suspended. I've recently moved out with my fiancé onto an apartment and it was great when I had my car but then my dad took it back when I got my license suspended because my fiancé isn't on the insurance plan and he didn't want him driving it. My fiancé has car too, but its been at a dealership for a while so it can be fixed. Meanwhile, we have no car to go anywhere and I don't have anything to do but sit in the apartment doing the same things every single day and its driving me insane! Even though I've been feeling the same way for a year, I'm getting more hopeless because of my situation and I feel like who I used to be is deteriorating. I don't feel like doing much anymore because everything seems to suck. Nothing makes me happy anymore and I constantly feel extremely angry all the time. I've always had a problem with anger and what's worse is that I'm not able to control it and now I'm scared that I will lose my fiancé because I always take it out on him and his dog and I never feel my anger coming on and once I'm not angry anymore I don't remember a lot that I did and I feel exhausted and I'm wondering why my fiancé doesn't seem to want to be around me and doesn't want to talk to me. I hate this so much and it's only gotten worse. I know this isn't who I am, but it won't quit. Meanwhile, I've lost a lot of people in my life from this and I don't have that many friends because I lately don't desire to be near or around anybody because I see the as a liability and annoying. I've grown socially withdrawn and whenever I'm outside and someone says hi to me or tries to start a conversation with me, I only want to run back into the apartment and hide in my shell. I feel way too self conscious of my body and how I feel that I appear to people. Whenever I talk to someone I feel like my body looks stupid because of how I'm standing and I constantly stumble over my words and I never know what to say because I'm scared it will sound stupid or they will think I'm weird. I even feel this way around my friends. I just want to feel 'normal' again or at least how I used to be. Now I'm wondering if anything is worth my time. I try to distract myself, but it's like I don't want to stop because I enjoy it, especially the anger because I feel better and powerful. It's a great feeling, but I'm sick of hurting those I love and once I come down I feel stupid and childish. I feel like what I was when I was angry was someone completely different and evil. Will things ever get better? I've been waiting a whole year yet nothing has changed. It's only gotten worse.

[shezbut]

Well, Reality Perfection,

You have got some additional stressors in your life that aren't helping you work through the emotions that you've been fighting for the past year. Have you worked with a T during this past year? Taken any medications or tried exercises to gain more control over anger management? What do you suppose is lying underneath this anger? Have you thought about that issue, to come up with things to work toward?

Just some helpful techniques for many ~ you may want to try a couple of them, to get into a better state of mind. I wish you the best!

[Reality_Perfection]

Shezbut,

Yes, I would definitely say that I have lots of additional stressors in my life at the current moment. I can definitely list my current stressors, but as for the majority of this past year, I can't think of any. I have not been able to work with a T this past year, but my dad and I are currently trying to find a decent one that I can go to because I realize that I need to see one. I have been on many SSRIs since the age of 14 to help with my anxiety, depression, and panic episodes. These SSRIs include Paxil, Wellbutrin, and Citalopram (which I am currently on). I've also been prescribed Abilify which worked extremely well for me because of my rapid mood cycling, but since I'm diabetic I had to get off of it because it made my blood sugars run extremely high. I've also been on both Xanax and Clonapine for when my anxiety gets way out of control or I feel panicky. Besides currently being prescribed Clonazepam, I'm also prescribed Adderall 20mg 3 times per day so that I can focus on the needs at hand. Adderall actually helps my depression and makes me actually feel like doing stuff. Otherwise I feel like I would not ever get out of bed on most days. Now that I think about it, I feel like maybe I should be put back on Abilify or something like it that won't run my blood sugars high because my moods were much more stable when on Abilify and I didn't constantly feel like hurting people emotionally or physically. I have some speculations as to what might be lying underneath my anger, but I'm not sure if they are definitely what are causing it because I've been extremely difficult to be around and have been angry my whole life. I was often hit and knocked on the ground by my dad as a child and my mom just stood there like the b***h she is and never stood up for me. I saw what my dad doing as a way to be physically hurtful back, but I would sometimes get extremely scared of him because he would run after me and even when I locked my bedroom door, he would ask me to unlock it or else I would get beaten even worse. My mom and I finally moved out of his house when I was 16, but I turned to her and started being physically abusive to her. I now realize that I was acting just like my dad. I didn't want to be punished in any way and even if she took stuff away from me as punishment, I would only get meaner. Eventually, we became very close, almost like friends, but just recently, she's been extremely delusional and keeps asking for me and my fiance to pay her back for things that she said she would take care of. Today, I have a much closer relationship with my dad than my mom. He and I deal with the same stuff emotionally and I relate to him a lot. I have forgiven him and I love him very much. I still spend time with my mom, but find it very hard because she always will end up talking about money or start complaining and belittling people around her. Other than that, I really can't think about anything else that might be causing my anger and depression. It just cycles so much during the day that I can't keep track. I try to come up with things to work towards, but when my anger comes out and I start feeling like everyone is beneath me and that they live for me I don't care so I can't do anything about it. I hate it because I feel like I'm completely opposite than who I really am when this happens and it happens a lot. I finally got a job and I start next week so at least I'll be able to get out of the apartment and do something and earn money.

[shezbut]

((Reality Perfection))

I am not a professional, but your description sounds a lot like bipolar disorder to me. It can be very challenging to treat, especially when you have physical illnesses in the way. I can relate a lot to that problem myself.

I am sorry that you had to suffer such a scary and chaotic childhood. I have warned those who stick with their abuser to be careful, because it's not uncommon for a lot of the blame to fall on the shoulders of the parent being abused (but sticking around anyway). We don't look at things real logically when we're kids. We want to get the heck out of the chaos ans wonder why those who love us aren't doing that already! My home life wasn't even close to being as chaotic as yours was when I was a child. Yet, here I am, as an adult, having a very tough time accepting my mom and appreciating that she did the best that she thought she could in that time.

That acceptance is a very hard piece of the monstrous puzzle before us!! Gentle hugs to you. Take care

[Reality_Perfection]

Shezbut,

Thanks for being so quick to respond. This is second time someone has mentioned Bipolar Disorder to me. The first time someone mentioned that was years ago. Reading up on Bipolar Disorder, it does seem to apply to me, but even though my depression has lasted a long time and I feel like I have manic episodes, they don't last but for either a few hours and some cycle many times within minutes and then I end up feeling down because who I was a few moments ago wasn't who I really am and most of the times I've hurt someone's feelings and they don't want to talk to me (my fiancé is mostly the one that I do this to since I spend most of my time around him). As for being stuck in the apartment all day, I might finally have a way out because I just got a job and I should be starting training to be a server this week! I've served twice before and it caused me great anxiety and I hated taking orders and walking around the restaurant because I thought everybody was watching me and judging every move I made. I'm trying not to let this get me down though because this is a new place and it seems really nice and laid back, so wish me the best! I just actually got a call from the manager and she said that I'll be working next Monday for sure. I'm so excited! Anyways, I've had a few ups and downs since my last post, but they've actually been a little better. I just hope I don't explode in a few days or weeks like I usually do. :/ I'm currently reading a book on psychology and the brain that talks about how a mother 'explains' emotions to her baby through her choice of tone and facial expressions since a baby's left brain that understands language hasn't developed fully and doesn't have that capability while the baby's right brain that understands tones and facial expressions is more developed and does have that capability. The author of the book then goes on to explain how the mother helps her baby learn to identify and deal with emotion for later in life. From this information, I think I have found a way to help me identify my triggers and how to act accordingly without exploding and becoming a tyrant. I really want to be in control of myself and not let my emotions control what I do and how I act.

[Reality_Perfection]

Okay, so I'm going to try and be as quick as possible on here. I just went to my doctor today (she isn't exactly a psychiatrist or psychologist), but she and I got into a big discussion on my constant mood swings and depression. Also, we talked about my anger episodes especially the ones I forget parts of and I go around pretty much hitting anything and everything regardless of them being human or not. I told her about the days of when I was on Abilify and how they seemed better, but I had to get off of it because I'm diabetic and it made my sugars run really high all the time. Anyways, basically she recommended a psychiatrist that should help me and she herself was wondering if I might be Bipolar. This is the third time this has been mentioned to me when tell someone this. I know I had just mentioned she's not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but she does have background with those fields an she's also the one who currently prescribes me my meds. I know no one and even I couldn't diagnose me, but thoughts?

Thanks

[unaluna]

and you're still taking adderall? because from your posts you seem really hyper to me. I know I am waaaaay too laid back - more the quaalude generation - but wowie zowie. you downplay that, but that might be the "cause" of your anger?

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by Reality_Perfection

Anyways, basically she recommended a psychiatrist that should help me and she herself was wondering if I might be Bipolar. This is the third time this has been mentioned to me when tell someone this. I know I had just mentioned she's not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but she does have background with those fields an she's also the one who currently prescribes me my meds. I know no one and even I couldn't diagnose me, but thoughts?

I'm kind of the same way---I look for little signs sometimes. For me, when something specific like that, it's a pretty clear indicator for me to check it out. Three times you've heard this from people who, from what I've read, have not been prompted to bring that particular diagnosis up? It's certainly worth looking into---I think it could be a good start for you.

Hang in there,

[Reality_Perfection]

Hankster,

I appreciate your response! I don't think I've mentioned this, but I've been able to cut back from the Adderall.. FINALLY! Anyways, it's weird, but I've been this way my whole life, even as a toddler. I know that doesn't mean much though because toddlers are always that way. Haha. But, I've gone through many episodes when I was younger where I broke many things and kicked and punched in walls, and at the same time I feel so unlike myself and I'll go through what I call second black outs because when I get like that my mind and sense of myself black out for a second or so.

[Reality_Perfection]

LiveThroughThis,

Thank you for your reply It's comforting when I hear stuff that makes me feel like I'm not the only one. No, those people haven't had any particular reason to bring that diagnosis up, so yes I'm definitely going to check it out. I just hate blowing up on people and animals. It repulsed me just to think about it when I'm not in rage mode. I think my doctor mentioned something about Bipolar with rapid mood cycling. The rapid mood cycling is very apparent since sometimes I go through 3 'light switch changes' in either a few hours or sometimes even minutes. Ugh.. But I'm hanging in there! I'm looking forward to getting this all sorted out.

[shortandcute]

Not sure what to tell you as far as why you're still feeling this way--but I know that happens to me. Some stuff happened in my own life over a year ago that had to do with my mom (long story) and I am still having depression and other issues over it. ((((((HUGS)))))

[Reality_Perfection]

shortandcute,

I'm sorry that stuff had happened having to do with your mom. I've been dealing with stuff having to do with my mom as well, and I'm hoping that it's just menopause, but reflecting back on my past and her past, it doesn't seem like that's the only thing that's making her this way. A little over a year ago, I experienced a seizure (I've never had one before and haven't had one since) that was caused by some medication I had been taking for a bacterial infection. It seems like since then I've been worse then I was before the seizure, and now I'm worried that the seizure might have caused changes in my brain.

An update to my current life: I have made an appointment with a psychiatrist that was recommended to me and will be going to her soon. I am highly looking forward to my appointment!