[exit0617]

im a 16 year old male, i have a family history of depression, in fact my grandpa was hospitalized for years and eventually commited suicide (this scares me itself, i inherited alot from him), i'm currently on no meds, im physically healthy, a skateboarder, i have alot of friends, but something is not right.

for as long as i can remember iv had "something" wrong with me, the problem is im not quite sure what that "something" truly is.

my parents got divorced when i was 7, that was pretty hard on me. I remember having traumatic anxiety. i would vomit half the days i went to school, and most of the time i visited my dad. i eventually "grew out of this"

when i was 13 or so i remember feeling "different," and "out of it" most of the time. i went to the doctor and was diagnosed with mono, i was bedridden for months and began over thinking things. i had this strange fear that life "wasn't real" or confusion towards the strangest things such as "how it possible my hand moves" and weird things i dont entirely remember. i wasn't convinced of anything bad, just had these feelings and thoughts i would obsess about that either caused or i interpreted through anxiety/depression and what i believe to be depersonalization. I remember going to a basketball game and randomly becoming extremely lightheaded and feeling like i was looking over myself. it was extremely scary. a few months later i was back to my "normal self." i took zoloft which i don't think helped. i eventually stopped and dont want to be on any anti-depressents again.

for as long as i can remember my "normal self" has always held this weird area in my head that my mental issues sit. I'm not sure what those exactly are. But i just feel for most days as long as i can remember i will sometimes feel somewhat crazy, anxious, out of it, confused, depressed, disconnected or somehow be reminded that something is wrong, even without physical symptoms.

I've just figured i was more intelligent and in touch with my feelings then most people. i learned to just live with it, and generally be happy. But anytime i feel anything out of touch with my body, i think about that area in my brain and feel crazy.

i started smoking marijuana last year, became a daily user this summer. i have done my research and feel like it was generally helping my issues. whenever i felt "out of it" i blamed it on the drug and that was that. My appetite has dissapeared recently and caused me to take a break from smoking. i havn't smoked in a few days and have been feeling very bad. I could smoke this second if i wanted, but i don't want to be dependent or doing myself harm. is this the drug making me feel this way? i randomly feel depressed. last night i spent 6 hours just researching mental illnesses and my symptoms and im not sure what to believe. i've came across everything and just feel like a mess. i tried watching tv to calm down but couldn't even concentrate whatsoever. my brain was just racing with confusing random thoughts and i felt like i was on the verge of insanity with hopelessness filling myself. i went upstairs and tried just blocking out all thoughts and that made me feel pretty great for a while, then it crept back up on me. the only physical symptom associated was sweating, which makes me feel it wasn't a panic attack. but what was it then? iv been feeling guilty to, trying to be nice and considerate to avoid this feeling. i feel like im just living in my head. no matter what im doing my thoughts are revolving around me feeling "out of it" or "something is wrong" im feeling numb. I always get days like this but never let them stop me from daily activities. My family and friends are unaware of anything because i can act completely normal, even when feeling down and out. at the same time, i kind of feel normal. if i distract myself i feel completely normal, but it always comes back here and there. I'm getting tired of this and have been just obsessing and trying to put an end to it which is just making everything worse the last few days. i woke up this morning feeling eerily different with everything related to this on my mind and just want to sleep it away today. i feel like im on a never ending rollercoaster, my thoughts are changing alot, last night i thought i had cancer at one point. is this just general anxiety or depression? and this is how my mind copes with it? i scored a 62 on the sanity quiz, with phobias being the area of concern. my only phobia is just this general problem. i feed off it. my life is perfect right now but my anxiety fuels itself. i worry about just the anxiety and my sanity and that fuels anxiety symptoms. When something goes wrong in my life i can handle the stress. but the stress of my general issue is way beyond me.

my only physical symptoms are nausea, a dull feeling in my stomach, and me not being hungry. ill randomly feel these to more extremes along with confusing racing thoughts and sweating. im mostly just haunted by my thoughts and mental discomforts rather then physical. could that be depression? and these thoughts are me trying to break it down? i do not want to die and have never seriously thought about suicide.

how can i stop thinking this way? is this from my early childhood or a neurological disorder? the worst part is that there are so many potential reasons im feeling like this. hormones? what is wrong with me? what should i do? If possible i want to avoid having to tell anybody, i want to handle this on my own as i feel that will be the best for many reasons. (maybe im just scared of not being cured like my grandpa) im only 16 and don't want to live like this forever. im a very busy person and am occupied with friends and skateboarding EVERYDAY, im very desperate and just felt like venting and hoping for support. THANK YOU to anyone who took the time to read this .

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Exit0617!

• family history of depression & suicide
• good physical health & social life
• traumatic parental divorce at age 7
• mononucleosis at 13; possible depersonalization experiences
• poor experience with Zoloft
• possible self-medication
• obsessive thoughts and anxiety

Skateboarding and socializing are important; hold on to them.

i feel like im just living in my head. no matter what im doing my thoughts are revolving around me feeling "out of it" or "something is wrong" im feeling numb.

How similar are your current feelings of being "out of it" to the depersonalization you felt during your months of mononucleosis a few years ago?

Ideally, it would be good to link up with both a medical doctor and a therapist/counselor. I understand your privacy is important to you. Your age may make it more difficult to secure confidentiality, but this is something you can verify at first approach to a professional. During the past decade some US states have passed laws that extend or strengthen confidentiality for adolescents in some instances.

Again, Welcome!, and please keep posting.

[exit0617]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello & Welcome, Exit0617!

• family history of depression & suicide
• good physical health & social life
• traumatic parental divorce at age 7
• mononucleosis at 13; possible depersonalization experiences
• poor experience with Zoloft
• possible self-medication
• obsessive thoughts and anxiety

Skateboarding and socializing are important; hold on to them.
How similar are your current feelings of being "out of it" to the depersonalization you felt during your months of mononucleosis a few years ago?

Ideally, it would be good to link up with both a medical doctor and a therapist/counselor. I understand your privacy is important to you. Your age may make it more difficult to secure confidentiality, but this is something you can verify at first approach to a professional. During the past decade some US states have passed laws that extend or strengthen confidentiality for adolescents in some instances.

Again, Welcome!, and please keep posting.

Thanks for your response! I havn't really had any real depersonalization besides one or two episodes around the same time i had mono. These were full blown totally lightheaded looking over myself type deals. Im not sure if im psyching myself out or what but i just slightly feel "out of it" at times, like a quick lag of perception or something, or everything just looks somewhat different. i think its more of the depression and me not understanding it. Because feeling "down" for no reason at all is a new feeling im just confused about. and when i get caught up in anxiety im thinking so much in my head and not about whats around me that i think i mildly get those feelings. Im probably just self diagnosing and making things worse. And i get into these anxious/depressed episodes (when i wrote this) where everything just seems so bad. But once im out of it i feel normal to an extent.

Anyway, on my way to the skatepark yesterday (in the 85 degree weather) i just felt weak, sick, and my side started hurting (normally im fine with the heat, but i couldn't even handle it) and i was just done with all this (did i mention i'v lost 10 pound?) i didn't even want to skate at all. so i ended up calling my grandma yesterday and im staying with her a few days until i can get into a doctor/therapist. is there anything seriously wrong with me? will i be better or worse in the long run? what are your guesses? maybe im blowing everything up and will be fine? besides feeling a little down iv been fine since iv got to my grandmas, even very happy at times, feels good to address the issue!

im concluding that my marijuana use has been covering my symptoms, and stopping is bringing them back and im just over it. What are all your views on anti depressents? My grandma says i need them, i probably do. But i'v heard nothing but bad about them. Can i occasionally smoke marijuana while on them? Im very responsible about it.

on a last note, the reason i feel "crazy" is i sometimes think about weird things that stress me out "how is a cat living" "how is earth here?" or the best "am i psychotic and everyone around me knows?" (i'm not convinced or anything, just spooked out) im a christian and believe gods word, but still.

THANK YOU AGAIN!

[PsycheSeas]

I agree with Rohag, you should seek professional help right away so that he/she can help you and guide you through this time of your life.You are a young teenager , i remember being a teenager, I worried about many things that didn't even matter. No one really understood me and my problems and I was all alone. Perhaps it just a "teenage thing".

I am a psychologist too and I think you have "free floating anxiety". Your psychologist may confirm it with some more information and simple tests.

Free-floating anxiety refers to a mental disorder in which an anxiety or panic attack is brought about without a specific triggered situation or object. Generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD, is the common medical term often used to refer to free-floating anxiety.

You are a strong, active and social teenager nothing will happen to you. Just mingle with others have a strong bond with friends and family. Share your feelings with someone close to you or share it here in this forum. Search for depression and anxiety natural treatments online. Read self help books. Listen to calming music and just Rock the world, because you can do it. Some information about anxiety and panic attacks is available here

http://soundanxietytreatment.com/
http://soundanxietytreatment.com/blo...treatment-cds/

I hope this helps.

[exit0617]

Originally Posted by PsycheSeas

I agree with Rohag, you should seek professional help right away so that he/she can help you and guide you through this time of your life.You are a young teenager , i remember being a teenager, I worried about many things that didn't even matter. No one really understood me and my problems and I was all alone. Perhaps it just a "teenage thing".

I am a psychologist too and I think you have "free floating anxiety". Your psychologist may confirm it with some more information and simple tests.

Free-floating anxiety refers to a mental disorder in which an anxiety or panic attack is brought about without a specific triggered situation or object. Generalized anxiety disorder, or GAD, is the common medical term often used to refer to free-floating anxiety.

You are a strong, active and social teenager nothing will happen to you. Just mingle with others have a strong bond with friends and family. Share your feelings with someone close to you or share it here in this forum. Search for depression and anxiety natural treatments online. Read self help books. Listen to calming music and just Rock the world, because you can do it. Some information about anxiety and panic attacks is available here

I hope this helps.

Thanks for the answer, it made me feel alot better! I'v never talked to anybody about any of this. Generalized anxiety would make sense. Occasionally some situations may trigger it, but generally speaking that seems on point.

Rohag: i was thinking bad vision could maybe be the out of it feeling? its somewhat like standing up to fast and feeling lightheaded, only mildly. heck thinking about it that may not even be true, haha. But now that im thinking about vision and all is it normal to see "visual snow" on poorly lit objects? kind of like what you'd get from a grainy camcorder image? i always thought everyone was like this but maybe not. its just real mild, mostly notice it on walls, but google searching pointed to a vitamin defficiancy. hmmmmm

[layla11]

Hi exit0617, I also have a family history of problems. I can relate to the thinking you have cancer. Feel free to get on this site anytime, maybe that can give you some help. I have depression and anxiety. I do take a anxiety medicine and it helps alot. I also take a antidepressant effectzor, probably not spelled right, but anyway, I couldnt take zoloft either. I think the pot smoking is probably a way to relax yourself. But since its illegal you are taking a chance there. It would make more since rather then smoking to try a different antidepressant. effectzor is good for anxiety also. I;m not a doctor, but trying to give you my expierence and hope

[Rohag]

Hello, Exit0617!

Originally Posted by exit0617

im concluding that my marijuana use has been covering my symptoms...

That's entirely possible. In the long run it's better to have all your symptoms accessible so you can identify and deal with them.

Originally Posted by exit0617

i was thinking bad vision could maybe be the out of it feeling? its somewhat like standing up to fast and feeling lightheaded, only mildly. ...is it normal to see "visual snow" on poorly lit objects? kind of like what you'd get from a grainy camcorder image?

Add "ophthalmologist" to the list of folks it would be good to consult.

My concern is it's possible more that one thing might be behind your symptoms. I'm certainly depressed, but I also have several physical issues. It's tempting to doctors to read all your symptoms under the depression label. As best you can, advocate for yourself; you want to rule out other problems.

All the best! Please post whenever you wish.

[sadpeanut]

The smoking helps me. I stopped taking my Zoloft and Adavan because it made me lifeless, unable to communicate, and suuuper *****y. I've been smoking every day for at least five years now. I honestly do believe that it helps, much better than the garbage that big pharmacy will try to give you. However, I agree with the others in that you should seek professional help. Take the medicine they give you and see what it does. Everyone is different so what didn't work for me might work for you.

Stay strong. <3

[PsycheSeas]

I am happy that you liked my message

[