I am beyond depressed. Depressed is a few hundred layers above where I am. I am hopeless. I have so many unsolvable problems. I have warrants. They do not accept partial payments. I do not have enough money for all of my taxes and my warrants. Much less Christmas, which is my Firstborn's Birthday. This has been the worst year of my life and I don't have any hope whatsoever. I seriously cannot imagine anything good ever happening in the future whatsoever. I would be an idiot to think that goodness would grace me and my family. I just don't want to live anymore. I am hoping that the world will actually blow up on Dec 21st, but it seems like just an easy out and I should be so lucky. I am absolutely hopeless. I might as well be dead.

[Sam2]

Originally Posted by lightbulb7

I am beyond depressed. Depressed is a few hundred layers above where I am. I am hopeless. I have so many unsolvable problems. I have warrants. They do not accept partial payments. I do not have enough money for all of my taxes and my warrants. Much less Christmas, which is my Firstborn's Birthday. This has been the worst year of my life and I don't have any hope whatsoever. I seriously cannot imagine anything good ever happening in the future whatsoever. I would be an idiot to think that goodness would grace me and my family. I just don't want to live anymore. I am hoping that the world will actually blow up on Dec 21st, but it seems like just an easy out and I should be so lucky. I am absolutely hopeless. I might as well be dead.

Lightbulb,
when you are that low, its hard to see what people call the light at the end of the tunnel. Believe me, I've been there several times. It feels like walking through chest high water while everyone else is walking on flat land with good traction. You can't see in front of you or behind you. All you see is darkeness.

This is a really bad time of year for people who are depressed. We are all supposed to be happy and with our families, and all that does is remind us of how bad we feel. You do have one thing though. Your baby. I know you want to be able to give your baby gifts and do things that parents should be able to do at this time of year. It sounds like you love your child, and at that age, that is really all they want. Please don't underestimate that gift. I split with my wife at Christmas just as my son was turning 3. They went back to their home state without me. My son is now graduating from highschool. He grew up without me. I stagnated without him. A child is better than any gift you could ever buy, and the love you give is priceless. Don't let you child grow up without his/her mother.

No matter how bad things are, there is always one step beneath that. I know that sounds like a cliche and probably empty considering the way you feel now. I don't think you want to die. You want the pain, uncertainty and feelings of failure to stop and are too tired to find a way out. If you don't have the money to pay your bills, I don't think they can just throw you out on the street. No one wants to declare bankrupsy or go on welfare, but if you have to, its not the end of the world. Its there to help people get back on their feet.

This is probably the absolute worst time to have to find help from a counsellor, but they can help you find your way out of the darkness. When there are so many problems hitting you at once, its hard to prioritize, to figure out how to deal with one thing at a time. There is no shame in asking for help. You have reached out here because you haven't given up completely. Don't stop reaching out. Is there someone, a friend or family member that can be with you while you are feeling like this? Even if you don't want to talk, just having someone sit with you or stay with you for a while to make sure that you are safe. Just please don't give up. There is a line from one of the CSI shows about an interview with someone who tried to take thier life by jumping off the golden gate bridge, but survived. He said that the moment that he let go of the rail, he realized that all his problems were solvable. Except jumping. It may not be a real person's quote, but I do know that life is temporary, death is permanent and once you've done something to end your life, it may be too late to take it back. Your child needs you, and so does your family. You are worth more than you think.

Sam2

Thanks Sam. I have been feeling like this for a few weeks now and I am really out of whack. I was taking antidepressants but I ran out and have no way of getting on them again, I really just need a miracle. My brother blew his brains out, for lack of a better phrase, three years ago. I know that his problems were temporary, and I have relived the last day of his life hundreds if not thousands of times. I had solved every one of his problems, and I know that we would give anything existing to have him back with us, problems and all. I could not and would not kill myself, I just have no will to live because it seems so bleak. I have three children who depend on me and I feel like the worst mother ever. My warrants are for a ticket for speeding, 47 in a 35, which is hardly an incarceration worthy crime in my book, but I missed court because I had no babysitter and the court date came on a day that snuck up on our family and we had so much else going on. My family is sick right now and I am too, I am just weary of life. I can go on, I must go on. If breath is given to me, who am I to take it away. There must be some reason I am here? There must be? I hope. I appreciate your wisdom my friend. Perhaps I am going through this to make me more understanding of people who have been incarcerated for bogus reasons? Perhaps there is some growth that I need to accomplish in this area? I have no idea but I gotta keep breathing, in jail or at home or wherever I am. Thank you for caring.

[NoCake]

I agree with Sam. Finding a councillor or a group can be very helpful. What helped me when I felt like I was in a pit was being with people that included me in their activities.

As far as the court date I think not having someone to watch your kids is grounds for dismissal. Did you alert the courthouse of your situation?

As for reasons for life - they are up to you. From a religious point of view I believe that people can be called to do certain things but until you start walking on water your life is what you want it to be.

I just contacted a lawyer a few hours ago and they have assured me that for a better than expected fee, they can get my warrants lifted and get me onto a new court date, which is great. That solves one of my problems, the most pressing one.

[lynn P.]

((lightbulb7)) - I'm very sorry you're in such an overwhelming life circumstance. Its great though you have a solution to the biggest problem. Keep the holidays simple and its really not about the materialism, yet I know you want to make it nice. Take it one step at a time and nothing is worth your life. Best of luck.

Hey friend... I have no words of wisdom but I'm thinking about you. Best advice I can offer is to break things down into smaller pieces and take care of what you can on an individual basis. Don't look at it all as one huge mountain of problems. Take them one at a time.
BTW, that lawyer isn't likely going to do anything that you can't do. (Most) judges ae human too. Tis the season if you know what I mean.
Hang in there GlendaGail

That is good advice George. I have made it through a lot of woes doing just that. Sometimes life just seems to have no way possible, but then you keep living and a way appears and you walk in it and it passes. I hope that happens soon because I feel like I am just wasting away at this point. Thanks for the support yall. I hope to be past these trials as soon as possible.

[RJ78]

Thanks for sharing lightbulb. I think George's advice is great! When I feel like giving up, it's usually because I can't see a way out or around everything. But when I make progress on one thing, that feeling starts to clear a little bit. If you're feeling overwhelmed, let us know what's going on and if you're looking for some problem-solvers, we'll do our best!

RJ

[Lomika]

I feel exactly the same. I also have 3 kids and I must go on for them. That's the only thing that keeps me going. I'm responsible for their well being.
I'm bipolar but have depression most of the time. What and awful feeling. Complete emptiness. New thought that it would be so scary. We need to pull ourselves together the best we can and just do it one day at time.

One day at a time. Today I think I am just going to clean and decorate my house, and boil some cinnamon on the stove for ambiance. I am going to pretend that all I have to do today is make my house pretty and be with my family. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. Perhaps a page will turn in my novel of trial and woe. And if not, we can all be miserable in a clean, good-smelling home.

[OrangeMoira]

You tackled a really scary problem this week even though you were in a dark place. Go you! Thank you for updating on your progress; it was seriously inspiring to me. Enjoy your family and comforts today!