Stay away from me... you don't want what I've got!

Thats what I feel like saying to all of the people I know in real life. I want to stay in bed and avoid people. I can't control my moods anymore, or my thoughts... so I figure I'm in another downward spiral again?

Good thing is that I can still eat, so I suppose it could be worse. I'd love to be able to fall asleep before morning though.

I wish for a lot of things. Like me being able to scream yell or cry and keep doing it until I feel better. Ever felt like you were dead inside and numb and that the world had lost all colour, meaning and purpose?

I'm not alright, and people who keep asking me if I am keep getting a lie, but its so $&@! hard to not do it. I'm trying to keep it together I really am. I'm trying to not let the bad thoughts and distortions win, but when they just pop up out of nowhere... I can't stop them. I wish I could stop lying to everyone. I wish I had told my counsellor how much I hated myself before she left to go on vacation for two months. But I didn't.

I wish I could tell my family about how miserable I am, but I'm just "melodramatic" or "emotional" or my personal favourite, when you're depressed you have the "option" of getting better.

I wish I could have a do-over. I want to restart my life and not have made so many mistakes which are making me miserable now. All I see is regret and stuff I should have done. Should have, could have. My first T's expression "Stop shoulding yourself" comes into play. But I can't help it. "Stop saying you're a burden to everyone". I've always felt that way, why didnt anyone tell me it was wrong before? Why am I still whining and complaining? I'm stuck in a rut of my own making aren't I? *sighs*

I'm sorry I'm such a pain ... I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Please, dear friend.... keep pm-ing me! I'm here for you!

(((((((((((( christina ))))))))))))

((((((((Canders))))))))

you've got a friend here. Feel free to pm or chat, or post. I'm listening. So sorry your having a hard time right now though. Hoping you are feeling better

Hey Canders,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way! I know how you feel though. A number of times, I could have written a post that sounds just like yours.

You are not a pain.

You have as much right to be here as anyone else. I'm glad that you have this place...a place where you're not alone. Take care ok, and remember that you have friends here.

((((((((CANDERS)))))))))

--Dez

((((((((((((((canders))))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that things are so rough right now. Please try to be kind to yourself.

((((((((canders)))))))))))))))) I am so sorry that you are feeling like this right now, to me being depressed in the summer is the absolute worse thing for me. I wish for many do overs also as I have made some pretty big mistakes in my life, but please know that you have friends here who will listen and be here when you need them. Please take care and though we don't know each other we will someday soon. Take care of yourself.. Linda

Hi Candors
Please take care of yourself u are a uniqe and speical girl
please pm me I'm worried about you
Tita

((((PC Buddies))))

Thank you. Really and truly. I had hit a down period, lets hope it goes away for a while. What would I do without you all?!

(((hugs))) sorry I missed this thread till now

What comes first is to limit your saying the "should" statements. Then comes not saying it. Then comes not thinking it everytime for everything. Then comes only a once-in-a-while thinking it. And somewhere along the line, you can allow that the T and others (like here at PC) MIGHT be right, and you don't deserve to take blame or find fault with yourself. Then you want to believe that T and others are right. At a point you find that yeah, maybe that situation doesn't require someone to be at fault. ...

No item mutually exclusive. You are on this path. It's a good one (((canders))

Hay CAnders............. I hope you're feeling better and know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do. I'm feeling the same way you are and its just something we are going to have to get through. I know what you mean by wanting to stay in the bed all day. I cant even tell you how much time I've been spending there while my life falls apart around me.......... I think if we just get up and do anything without THINKING about htings so much we might find it easier. I'm trying to do that and it's hard I know. Your post reminds me of soemthing I would write. I feel yah!!

Thank you both Sky and Vaquerloca.

I'm trying to limit my thinking... just really hard you know? I'm doing better (at least temporarily), so I'm at least not thinking about negative things right now.

********hugs********