Why Do We Stay???

Im just wondering why we stay in damaged marriages/relationships for so long when they just drain everything out of us.

I have noticed that many of us on this site are either going through some really hard times with our spouses or have been through them and finally had the courage to get the hell out. But why do we stay so long?

I know I have written about this type of thing once or twice but I just cant seem to understand this. I know there are many reasons why but when it comes to being strong, to standing on your own two feet and just saying "I want and deserve more!", why cant we do this? Do we feel so trapped, or maybe it is because we are afraid no one else will want us. Maybe we are just too lazy?

Im just frustrated tonite because I have taken so much from my husband. And now we are at a point where he could care less how I feel about how he acts or what effect it has on me or my child. (It used to be he would at leased say IM SORRY, or try harder for a few months!)
And in the end I guess Im most hurt at the fact that he just doesn't see how much his behavior truly hurts me in so many ways. (Maybe its too hard for me to admit he doesn't love me.)
Anyway, I know I deserve better, and Im tired of dwelling on the boo-hoo part of this situation. I think Im at the point where I know what has to be done here, but just have to get the courage up to actually do it!!!

I hope that I am at leased stronger in the end after all of this. Whew!!!

I guess my view is of the old-school. I'm staying (for now) only for the kids. Then again, I've left before for the kids.

Yeah you've got a point on that one.
Im sure that is one HUGE reason for me. My husband works 2nd shift, so is rarely home when my son is up and active. But in the morning and on the weekend he is Daddy's boy. So very hard for me to pull him away from that bond.

I know exactly what you mean (((((((((((((((((((( BrownEyedGirl )))))))))))))))) been there....done that (previous marriage).

Depending on the spouses...if we are living with abuse of any kind, then a lot of it comes down to feeling inadequate and small, responsible, guilty and scared to death about the unknown.

If our spouses don't give a rats butt about how we feel when they treat us a certain way....that speaks volumes! And yet we sit there and take it....they have been able to weave the seeds of self doubt and guilt long before we have gotten to the point of realizing where we are in the relationship.

We are scared of leaving....where will we go, how will we survive, what about the kids, what about us?? Staying in the situation...at least we know what to expect....leaving...we have no clue what to expect. As the saying goes, better the devil you know than the devil you don't??

I think the biggest thing in my abusive marriage was that I had to feel in my heart that I had done everything I possibly could to make things work. It took a long time to realize in my heart that I was fighting a loosing battle, that I had the right to take care of myself. Once I realized it....I had the courage to take the steps to protect myself and my kids and move on. It wasn't real easy, but then again...staying wasn't easy either.

I could say I regret those wasted years....but I don't look at them as wasted years. As much as it was painful and difficult, it taught me so very much about life, alcohol, abuse, strength, logic, faith, love of self and I could go on and on. I could be bitter and feel cheated.....but I don't. I feel I had lessons to learn and I did just that....learned my lessons....took a negative and turned it into a positive.

I hope you can find some peace and strength soon to do whatever it is you feel you need to do. I wish you well hon.


sabby

Thanks Sabby, Well written.

Glad you found the strength!!!

I'm glad I found the strength too. I have a feeling, you will find the strength in whatever you decide to do.

Oh, and another thing.....listen to your gut....it will never lie to you


sabby

Ladies, I hug ALL of you!!!!!!! I have come to the conclusion that we stay until we are forced to realize that no matter what we do, how hard we try, how much we pray or hope, our situation will not change.

I also think that we believe that our partners are capable of changing, and hold on to the hope that they will. Love is not something you can turn off and on like a light switch, and once you love someone, I think you want to believe that there is good in them.

I finally had to accept that my husband is a grown man who has to make his own choices, and determine the way he wants to live his life. Knowing he has the potential to be an amazing husband is not enough. He is damaged, but it's up to him to fix the damage. Being in a situation that forces me to stay living with him is hard. I would have walked out the door with my two children and the baby in my womb the minute I discovered he was deceiving me again, if only to try and reduce the anomisity and tension they have felt.

Women are "fixers" and care givers, and I think there in lies part of the problem. But we deserve what we give in return, and we most definitely deserve to be happy.

hi ladies,
i read ya'lls posts and see so much wisdom in ya'lls words and i'm so greatful that i found this site. my heart goes out to you all because i am in the same awful hard situation. coming to this site to vent and see other women struggling with the same life issues does help me be stronger. so thanks for sharing your stories so that people like me can draw strenght and wisdom from.
for me the main reason i stay is because he has no one else to help him. the guilt can eat me alive when i even think about leaving again, but in the same breath the frustration can make me question my ability to cope and deal with the constant drama. double edge sword i must say.
even though i know full well that he will never again be to me, the rock of support i am to him. we women are the stronger human species...and we know it. so let them open a jar of pickles so they can feel special and needed. lol

have a good day ladies
chiwawa mom aka rayla

I am in one of those roller coatser marriages... where he cycles thru between being the greatest husband ever to being the emoitional/verbal tyrant.... So many reasons float to surface:

1. Feeling like a failure
2. Spiritual/Religious reasons
3. Would life be any better if I did leave
4. Do I want to put all the work of a divorce
5. He has just as much reason to leave.... I am no peach and have put him thru a lot of hell...
6. Financial
7. Is it what I want really...
8. Is it what I need really..
9. But I love him, just dont like him so much
10. Would the kids be better off if we stay or go...
11. Hope it will get better someday
12. who else would put up with me and my mental health issues

I do not know what my breaking point would have to be in order for me to actually go thru with it..Esp... since I have and can be just as much a part of the destruction of our relationship as he is...

((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs to all on the roller coaster))))))))

(((((BrnEyedGrl)))))))))

I think this is the question of the century......Forgive me for not quoting properly but someone in here said, we are caregivers and fixers......SO TRUE.

It's hard to ever get to that point of "I can't fix this - he has to be the one to fix it." I believe that people don't just "change". Learned behavior takes time.....as it takes time to "undo".

Perhaps I still have a little too much faith in people. However, I had to come to the realization that I CHOOSE to live my life that way. But I do have boundaries as to how far I will go. It is very hard to get to that point and very hard to teach yourself "when" to stay and when to walk away.

It's a fine line. One many of us may walk many times.

It's tough. We're here for you.

yes, everyone is right.

it is hard to stay in a bad relationship, and hard to leave.

if one is into not leaving right away (while saving money and making plans for a happier life down the road if it gets worse or just plain stays the same)...there is always 'couple counselling'.

what has anyone got to lose?

put it to him like that, and there is a better chance he'll go than if putting all your eggs into 'the counselling' and what the counsellor said.

truth is, what do you have to lose?

deep down we know when we aren't loved, that's a reality many don't want to face because of kids, whatever.

so women are conflicted. it takes away energy, focus, and living in the moment, where happiness happens.

it's sad. we came (most of us) from a world where couples stayed together for life, or are expected to, for one thing.
nobody was prepared for cheating spouses, internet affairs, slackers, and deep routed contempt for women, in general, that many of us see or have personally experienced in a relationship.

long story short, we are still responsible for our own happiness, especially since the culture has changed, and men and women have issues that still go unaddressed.

we find ourselves in unfullfilling relationships, after having put all our 'happy' feeling eggs in one basket ... and it's not fair to a guy either, that part.
we are all individuals, responsible only to share happiness with another, but not create the happiness inside of others ... and because we may feel compelled to do that, we feel cheated when our mate doesn't create our happiness for us, instead of creating our own happy medium.

like, if we knew enough about ourselves when we met our mates, we might also be able to recognize in them, certain character and personality flaws that would be problematic for us - and might not have picked them for more than a few dates, you know?

some guys are great to date and not to mate!
(same can be said of women, yes, yes, yes)

so, knowing what we are getting into, and being selective in what we will handle, helps in our selection process. increases chances for a better outcome.

when we have even done all of that, things could develop, unexpected, and we are in marriage hell, no different than if we carelessly went with our feelings, not using our heads, and sealed the deal with the worst guy on earth for us, as an individual. (like a drug addiction to rx pills develops, alcoholics, a late developing mental illness we could not handle that an unforseen life circumstance brought about, etc., you get the picture)

my advice to myself, and opinions are just that -mine. this is currently how I'm thinking. lol. hope i'm not too far off. yikes, this is scary writing your thoughts! what if I'm so very wrong? gulp ... big gulp.

always have a plan.
plan a - to be happy with what you have. make lemonade out of lemons, blah blah.

plan b - plan a is driving you nuts, so make a plan for getting out and on your own, save money (hide it away) keep these things to yourself - update education, whatever it takes, while in the bad situation, filling time to make a healthy break for yourself.

nobody owes you a living, or a life. only we can supply these things.
lucky in love, I think, means lucky in love with myself enough to meet my match, who also is lucky in love with himself, and when we are together - that magic happens - we get to share authentic love, not some hard worked over fantasy or desperate dying wilting fragments of love for others without regard for ourselves.

self love, peace and unity,
nightbird <font color="#000088"> </font>

WOWWWWW Nightbird, that was awesome!!!!!

I can only say that it moved me to read it.

I keep asking myself the same question. I had many opportunities to leave him, even long before we got married, and before there was a child in the middle of it all. Part of me wishes I would have just called it quits back in 2002, or 2004. But I didn't. I really don't know why!

I think a big reason for me is that I don't think anyone else would want me. I would end up an overweight, depressed, single mom who had cheated on her husband several times. What man would want that?! I never dated at ALL before I met him. We met when I was 19 years old. He's the only man I've ever really cared about, and I just keep thinking that this is all I can get. Maybe I just expect too much out of marriage, maybe this is all I deserve.

And yes, for now, I'm staying with him for my daughter's sake. Because I don't want to break up an otherwise happy family.

I think for me deep down inside I think it is me who is the problem.

i ask myself tht very question i see my friends all the time in abusive or no good relationships and i wonder wht do they get out of it this only wears you down emotionally

Well let me give my point of view what happens when its the woman that acting a fool please someone tell me why stay like for me my treats me like im not her husband and treat her son from her previous marriage like gold lets disrespect me and when does things i get cursed out for trying to bring justification like punish him or take thing away and tells she hates me some tell me why do i stay

Why do we stay?

I work in the financial services industry. We get studies and surveys all the time about customer service and loyalty. One of the statistics is that, on average, a customer only considers leaving their bank after their bank screws up in a major way at least six times.

Why? Because they've taken years to build a relationship with their bank, because they're comfortable where they are, because it's a tremendous amount of work and effort to move all of their banking services to another bank, because a new bank is an unknown quantity - who's to say that the same problems won't happen at the new bank?

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

And there's a lot more invested in a relationship or marriage than in a dumb bank account.

Usually it takes a crisis event - an affair, physical abuse, criminal charges - to shake us up enough to make a change. And even then... it's still very, very hard.

As I mentioned in another post about my own marriage, I think that everything in life is about weighing benefit vs. risk. We'll stay so long as the real or potential benefits outweigh the risks.

yes, GK, I agree, adding the human elements too!

there is another possibility playing its part stemming from families of origin for many in bad relationships, and that is whether the individual in a partnership regards risk as such, even to the detriment.

the human element, sometimes in our blind spot, may dictate how much crap we take, subconsciously, from previous partnerships that affected us most in our own childhood families.

one may take more chances in unhealthy relationships because we are familiar with this, to the point of crisis, multiple times, and beyond.

benefits may seem selfish, or one feels unworthy of love or a healthy relationship early on, and seeks partners that are also low in self esteem.

regard for personal safety, security, wholesome reinforcement, having needs met, and receiving respect and being valued may not be recognized as a basic human right for some time, since many of us may not have been raised with respect and love and commitment to our well-being from our own homes.

i have learned that my personal relationships that work best are like good business partnership, not the 'service' it provides (that is give and take to me, like six errors, chuckle).

my feelings, if we treated the significant others in our lives
as we would a business partner, respect wise, we would behave better towards them, and might be immediate to chip in where needed (even if it's not an assigned responsibility), and would guard the relationship to prevent losses, diligently, same with gains, so the ball stays up in the air during any given day of the year (not just birthdays).

we would know the deal breakers, how to re-negotiate terms, and take risks agreeingly, whether assigned or surprise, and all with respecting the dignity and value of another in relationship with us.

overall, we would treat our loved ones better when we see them in the light of day - where what we do matters and has it's stake in the outcome, just as our partner have their end to hold up.

a) if they abandoned the business, I would do what?
b) if they keep us in vulnerable positions with others, what could I do?
c) if they really weren't that into this business, what then?
d) if they mishandled the business, dishonestly, and recklessly, what are my options?
e) if my partner mistreated me, alone and in front of our own company, what can I do?
f) if my partner mistreated the associates we produced, what is required?

getting specific with the problems experienced with others will help determine what i can do to protect my (business) well-being, in general, and personally. in that way, it's the same as business. personal business. i want to have relationships succeed as much as any other part of a balanced life, not as an area controlling every avenue - badly - as i've been there once, continued for a long time, and have no plans to risk my sanity and health with any other unhealthy, severely unhappy relationship again.

knowing how to recognize the warning signs of a bad partnership, is one thing.
keeping our heads on straight where love is concerned is another.

we can always do something about it. waiting for the next screw up or sinking in quicksand is not necessarily the best option for those of us who have walked in the muddy boots of stinky love-lifes, and then there are those who have always had their heads on straight from the get-go.

some people seem to have only lifes' ups and downs to deal with - an occasional curve ball here and there, aside from expected losses. overall, they make the best choices for themselves and have it together- as they think well on their feet, have good judgement, and use their gained and accurate knowledge and experience as they deal with situations. they are good people, leading decent lives, minus alot of drama, DNA problems, heck, maybe had the luck of the draw!

we learn to make better decisions, use clear concise judgement, build our self esteem and improve the quality of our lives without waiting for another (bank) screw-up, at least when we know how, and have been supported through changing, especially those of us who didn't get the sure footing from a quality childhood.

this explains to me some of why some stay stuck and why it's easier for some to move on or let go.

peace,
nightbird

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june, if i am understanding your situation correctly, you are resented by stepchild and new wife for trying to disciple this child.

it is not your place to disciple her child.

that may be where you are having the problem.

try to be a friend, or responsible guardian, but leave the punishments (?), rather, consequences of his behavior up to his parents to handle.

you are a husband in that home ... that child was a package deal, so live with it, and find a way to enjoy life with them, lighten-up, and if anything, seek some way to humor the position you are in.

you cannot change this boy, but your behaviors and lifestyle will set an example.

is it a good one? or quick to find fault and judge?
are you envious? is the child?

family counselling is a good way to go - but looking to be stern and punish is walking down a dark, lonely street, which you might regret.

spoken from one who had a step-monster once - who was not good to me and definately not supportive. just judgemental and ridiculing, even hostile and violent ... not good for a young lady to experience.

check yourself first, before you check into others. ok?

peace,
nightbird