[Sam2]

I guess I don't really expect a solution. I'm just having a hard time keeping things together. It feels a little hypocritical to be writing this and on the other hand offering solutions to others when I can't fix my own.

Sometimes and escalation in depression is a pre-aura for a major breakthrough migraine. All I know is that thoughts of suicide have been on my mind almost constantly. I wouldn't do it, there is just too much damage that follows in the wake of suicides.

The medications I have to be on for physical afflictions are just sapping everything out of me. Walking takes a tremendous effort. I'm pretty sure they are causing some of the depression as well, but without them, I"d be in the hospital. I'm taking fenphedrine , a diet pill, on the days I work so that I will have enough energy to get through four hours. (I find that when they aren't taken regularly, they don't cause weight loss, and I get some energy without being jittery). I know its kind of playing with fire, but I have bills to pay and a business that is limping along. When I get home, I just collapse.

I wish I could get rid of the dark thoughts. Many of you will recognize the waves that some depression seems to go through. There is always depression, but not always the suicidal thoughts. That and very very strong urges to attack myself. Again, I wouldn't do it, but its been a fight. Especially after a night of no sleep.

My friend really needs me to be there for her right now. Its coming up on the second anniversary of her son's death. I still have a hard time believing he is gone. I can't imagine the grief she must be going through. She always says there isn't anything that can be done for her when I ask, so all I can do is sit by her. Sometimes I can't though. Her husband comes home mid-afternoon, so there is someone there then, but i"m angry at myself for needing to isolate myself at times.

Well, like I said, its just a vent. There are no real answers. Thanks for reading/listening.

Sam2

[Leed]

Are you on any antidepressant? If not you'll have to REMIND your doctor of the diet pill that you're on because the antidepressant may NOT react well with it. But it certainly sound like either your antidepressant is NOT workiing well, or it needs to be increased in dosage or changed altogether. You need to talk with your doctor about this, and do it soon! Having these dark, suicidal thoughts is dangerous - so please don't delay, okay?

As for taking the diet pills,, yes you are playing with fire. People react differently to diet pills, and these may be contributing to your dark thoughts. These are obviously an "upper" and that's NOT what you need.

Please talk with your doctor about the whole ball of wax, okay? I'm sure you and he can come up with a solution to this problem. Right now things are just out of whack. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

That sucks Sam. Just wanted to write to say it sounds like we have similar thoughts on suicide in that you think about it, but you also think "There's no way I'd do it" for so many reasons (Mostly all the others that are effected). This means by my estimation you probably deal with depression similarly and with that I want to tell you it'll be better. Isn't it always better after a good sleep? Sure depression rarely leaves, but today is just crappy day and a new day always feels better even if it ends up being the same by the end of it. I realize now this is not terribly helpful just wanted to say I'm thinking about you enough to want to write.

With regards to your friend just be there when you feel you can be. I'm sure that's all she wants from you.

[Sam2]

I'm not on any anti-depressants. When my Dr. started trying to find something to stop my migraines, he tried several anti-depressants, (the side effect of many anti-depressants is a lessening of migraines). They were given at very low doses, and all of them floored me. It got so bad that I had a big bike horn in the bedroom because i'd gotten too weak to yell out if I got into trouble. After two months of going through tons of anti-depressants, my Dr. concluded that my body does not do well with any of them, even at doses lower than therapeutic.

I kind of can't my Dr. about the fenphedrin. When you are treated at a pain clinic, not only do they check blood levels, but you have to sign a contract that says you will not take anything but what is perscribed by the pain clinic. When I first started having back problems, I went to my GP, and to even use a mild muscle relaxant, my GP's office had to call the pain clinic and ask if they could perscribe it. It sounds strict, but they are dealing with addictive drugs and need to keep track of it. Some people willl sell their pills or use too much. I gave my friend the medications, and she gives them to me at the appropriate time. I've never had a drug problem, and maybe its being paranoid, but not having them, I don't have to worry about it. There is a great deal of tolerance, but at least we spared me from any possibility of addiction.

Don't worry. I made two promises to my friend. First that I would not try to take my life, and secondly that I would never cut again. Thinking of breaking those promises is more upsetting than the depression and dark thoughts.

I'll stop taking the pills. If this is indeed a pre-aura, sometime soon I'll be hit with a breakthrough migraine. (Our of ten, my daily is about a 7 even with medication). Breakthroughs can be bad enough that I can't talk. If that happens, I'll be offline, possibly for days, do if I stop posting or answering, don't worry.

Sam2

[TheRealFDeal]

That REALLY sucks that anti-depressants don't work on you. Mine really helps and I can't imagine not having that support. I was on a drug, and I'm sorry I can't remember the name, that I was on for about a year and I didn't have any headaches in that time. (I have at least one a month and they vary in intensity, but I'm sure nothing like what you suffer.) I remember the literature mentioned that one of the uses was for migraines. I'm sure you're way past that in terms of your medication. But I really hope you're not down for a breakthrough migraine, because we'll miss you. You're not being hypocritical when you post a "vent" and also respond to others. I find your responses very wise and helpful.

Hugs.

[GreyThinker]

Hugs, Sam. I too have little to offer you, and I also appreciate your wise comments , but I relate to your dilemma. It is often the way that we are able to help others but not find the way to help ourselves. Like you said, there are often no real answers, but being able to vent really does seem to help.... vent all you like. We will say what we can to comfort you. Then when we are down, we can come vent too....works for me

[Sam2]

You're comments mean a lot to me. This forum has actually helped me by allowing me to try and help others. Surely I can't be the only one who thinks they are being selfish by posting thier problems. I don't feel like anyone else that posts is being selfish. I guess I set different, harsh rules for myself, and sometimes need to remind myself of that.

We are past all the drugs available. Not just anti-depressants, but cardiac and blood pressure medications that also had less headaches as a side effect. (ever notice that the number one side effect of almost every medication is headache? lol). There are a couple types of opiods. One is an agonist, the other an antagonist. Some are a little of both. I've been on one type for years. One night I had to go to the ER for a really bad breakthrough, and although they had my chart and knew what I was taking daily, they gave me an opiod that when given with the ones I"m on, caused an instant, full blown withdrawl. They had to peel me off the wall.

Oh the joys of life. Well, as long as I have the ability to help others andcontribute some to society, I feel I really have no choice to stick around. Suicide is not a blk and white issue. In general, I don't condone it, but for those who have terminal, painful conditions that are going to kill them regardless of what is done, and they are tolerant to all pain meds, I could condone it or at least let them choose. I guess that is a hot topic because of some religious beliefs, and I don't mean to upset or bash any religion. Just acknowledging the difference.

Sam2

[TheRealFDeal]

Glad to see you're here with us today, Sam2. Does that mean the breakthrough migraine didn't happen?

Also glad to see you, GreyThinker, seems like you've been away for awhile.

I don't think suicide is a black & white issue, either. I think it's very unfair to call the act cowardly, as many do. It's the walk a mile in their shoes thing. People get very judgmental about it.