Not sure if this needed to be categorized as a trigger but figured I'd be safe and just do it.

I'm a single 27 year old man that's never been in a relationship. I've been putting on a face of being okay with being alone for years but now that my 28th birthday is upon me it's started to really hurt to think about. I don't want to be alone, but I have no self esteem and feel completely undesirable. I can't pinpoint any reason why I've never really dated anyone. An issue that often comes up for me that's just a "Let's stop this before it starts" is the fact I don't work. Money is a huge reason I don't even give dating a consideration. The only girl I've ever really gone on dates with I decided to break up with because I thought it was unfair to her if I moved cities and to this day it feels like the biggest mistake I've made in my life. I'm painfully alone. It reminds me of a quote from the movie Magnolia where Donnie says "I really do have love to give, I just don't know where to put it".

This is just one of many factors that has me worried that I'm headed towards suicide. The other major contributing thing to this notion is that my mind is trying to make it happen by ruining everything good and taking away my reasons for living. Last year I ended a friendship with someone I had known for over 10 years, and now one of my other friendships is most definitely on the rocks and I've known him for 13. I don't make a lot of friends, but when I do they're usually really intense and meaningful. The thing is I haven't gotten close to anyone since these 5 guys I met years and years ago. I'm not sure if it's because I felt like I had enough friends or what, but anyways, I seem to be systematically destroying these friendships.

I tried talking in the support chat a few times and I always leave frustrated with people somehow turning the conversation onto them. I'd really appreciate it if people that respond refrain from that as much as possible. I don't ask for much, but when I do I hope people would respect that I need to be focused on in that moment and this is one of those.

I need tangible advice on how to start my life and get away from this incredible pain I feel from the fact that nothing seems like it'll ever change and what I did today will be just as pointless as the day before so what's the point?

Thanks for your time all.

[optimize990h]

Feria, I'm sorry you are in this situation. Although the details were different, in the end at one time I found myself in same type of circumstance.

I don't know if you just need to get it all out or are you trying to find your way to a place of hope. It is good you are to post how you feel. I just want you to know whether the support is: 1. You are not alone, 2. You need advice from a therapist, or 3. You need feedback from PC members.

I write these words so the support best suits your needs can be determined. Take care.

[cryingoutloud1]

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain . whats the reason for the sabatog of the relationships you have/had? People would not stick with you if they did not want to. Do you think a job would help your self-esteem ? Social skills are hard and so are relationships. it does sound like you need to talk to someone, being alone 24/7 does suck, and having supportive people around may help. GL.

[jitters]

It's nice to meet you, fellow saboteur. Not sure if I'm about to do that thing you didn't want people to do...I want to tell you that everything will be Ok, and that's a distinct possibility, but the only real support I can offer is to let you know you aren't alone.

Try to pull back and catch your breath whenever you feel yourself gearing up for another sabotage incident. If you pay close attention to your emotional state you'll soon learn to recognize the warning signs. Maybe you'll start feeling helpless, out of control, argumentative, disgusted, etc. There is always a predictable flurry of emotions preceding a major relationship blow-up (at least there always has been for me). If you need to distance yourself a little to regain control, apologize to your friends, explain, as best as you can, that you aren't currently in a good place, emotionally, and that you need a little time to regain control. A caveat: it's important that you seek support during this time and make a genuine effort to regain perspective. Don't use it as an excuse to cut people out of your life.

I'm guessing that you may have suffered through some type of attachment disorder as a child (*not* trying to diagnose you, just offering food for thought). But whatever the cause, I'm sure you can get past this with professional help, and this is a great place to seek support, too.

optimize990h "I don't know if you just need to get it all out or are you trying to find your way to a place of hope."

Trying to find my way to a place of hope cause right now I just don't see anything. I'm taking your advice though, I'm working on finding out how to get a therapist.

cryingoutloud1 "whats the reason for the sabatog of the relationships you have/had?"

I wish I knew. I really do. As I said, I think it's because my brain is priming itself for permanent destruction and eliminating any reasons not to.

"Do you think a job would help your self-esteem ?"

It would, but I can't work. I really can't and no one seems to believe me. From the depression, the anxiety, the issues with sleep it all adds up into this insurmountable object.

Despite what you may think I really don't have a problem socially at all. I have a large amount of what most people would consider friends. I'm not stunted or anything but I think I'm emotionally juvenile if I'm being honest.

jitters "Not sure if I'm about to do that thing you didn't want people to do.."

No. It's when people take over and start talking about themselves and completely ignore what you've written.

I took to heart your paragraph but the thing is time doesn't matter with me. I used to write horrible emails to people in the heat of the moment and quickly came to realize if I just wait until the next morning even I would come to my senses. The problem is that time is no longer a factor. I can wait 2 months to talk to someone but once we start talking again after a week it's back to same old same old problems. I might need to work harder at gaining perspective though so I'll definitely think of that next time and come here for support.

I had never heard of an attachment disorder but I know it's ridiculous to hold onto a relationship that lasted under a month for 8 years so it's worth looking into.

I have more to say but I can't formulate the words tonight. Maybe tomorrow will bring a fresh flow of thoughts I can write out in coherent sentences.

[falling star]

Thank you for sharing. I feel alone a lot too because I don't want the dead end to happen. I want forever and so its almost impossible to have something real. The people I meet are not those type. I am still stuck with my first love, but only because if feels safe and I do know that is a dead end. I hope you will keep talking. Star*

[montanan4ever]

It sounds like getting into treatment ASAP needs to be your first and all consuming priority, my friend. What does the process for that look like in Alberta? Are you near Calgary or one of the other more populated areas? I know it's tough to get care in rural areas.

Originally Posted by montanan4ever

It sounds like getting into treatment ASAP needs to be your first and all consuming priority, my friend. What does the process for that look like in Alberta? Are you near Calgary or one of the other more populated areas? I know it's tough to get care in rural areas.

Yeah I'm in Edmonton so there's lots of things I'm sure I've just never looked into it but I'm doing that today in theory. We'll see how I feel later today but I feel exhausted.

Thanks for the replies.

[Meonly76]

unfortunately wherever you go many people dont actually listen to what you say, they are too busy rehersing in their head what tey are going to say next, and on a site like this its prob more common as we are important to ourselves, and tend to push our own problems out there instead of listening and probably 99% dont even realise they r doing it. sharing experiences as a response to afirmm that you are understood good be also a reason it happes, i.e yeah dude this hapend to me and i..blah blah, and they could just be trying to say they understand where you are coming from. And as we are all the centre of our individual universes its not surprising we focus on ourselves :P

Yeah I shouldn't have written that part because it just confused people because of my poor way of expressing what I meant. I don't mind when people reference personal experience and stuff. It's when it becomes clear that they're no longer interested in thinking about what I've said and are into a rant about their own lives. I understand the desire to want to talk about yourself but on a site like this I feel like it's important for us to up our selflessness game.

[Meonly76]

indeed we dont always need to share to listen