[Danininja]

So these past few months I've been perfectly content having myself locked away in my own little castle with no one to bother me...only occasionally taking time to socialize with my family and my boyfriend (and my boyfriend only because I live with him)....usually he is at work all day and I'm alone all day and at night I sometimes take time out of my many internet distractions to pay some attention to my boyfriend when he gets home.
A few nights ago his brother passed away so this morning he left for California....He'll be gone for a week...so right now when I'm usually pushing with my feet for couch space, I'm alone, my heart is hurting for my boyfriend, and I feel utterly alone...more so than usual....and not having heard from him since he landed this afternoon I keep wondering how he is doing...I know how much it hurts to lose someone you love and I wish there was something I could do to help him, even though I know there really isn't.

[Travelinglady]

Dear one, you haven't lost him. He'll just be away for awhile. But I understand because I miss my husband when he's away. I'm sure he's caught up in all of the sad family dynamics.

I'm glad you posted. Please know that I (and others here ) care. You might be alone, but you aren't without friends!

[Danininja]

Thank you....my thoughts are going out of control right now....I know he is going through such a traumatic time...I wrote him a message on facebook to ask how he is doing...he saw the message but hasn't responded....I know grief can do so many things to people and I'm afraid that terrible thing will cause him to break up with me....is it selfish of me to be even thinking about that when I should just be thinking about how he is holding up? Sorry...my thoughts are all over the place and have been for awhile now....it's really nice to have somewhere to put them down into words.

It will be intense for him for a few days in California because of the trauma, so let him have time with his family to grieve. As soon as the funeral is over and he has
said goodbye to his remaining family members, he'll be on the first plane back to you
if he loves you.

In the meantime, keep the apartment in excelent condition awaiting his return and
take care of yourself, as well. He will need quiet comfort and good food, and gentle care for several months following this episode in his life. Be there for him if you
love him and know that he may experience some moods of quietness when he just
doesn't want to talk too much or to be too lively. That's natural.

Take care.

[jer77od]

All you can really do is console him when he gets back and be there for emotional support. What if right now while you are waiting you try and plan something for when he gets back to take both of your minds off the pain? I'm sure he would appreciate it a lot. I'm sure the only thing he wants to come to after a traumatic weekend is his one and only. I know I would if a loved one died.

[Danininja]

Yeah I've decided to make his favorite meal for the night he comes back and see if his best buddy wants to come over and drink with him for some consolement.

[Danininja]

Yay, my boyfriend called and he seems to be doing okay...I also went and had lunch with an old friend today who I haven't seen in months and some other friends are coming over tonight to have some beers and watch tv....it's been awhile since I've socialized and I'm not really feeling too much anxiety from it.

[jer77od]

That's good. Might want to reconsider the alcohol with the emotional minds. Just an opinion.

[Danininja]

Last night was actually what I needed....socializing did me pretty good...although by 1 am I was ready for everyone to go so I can enjoy some of the solitude I've gotten used to....today I'm nursing a hangover and ignoring my phone...but at least I took the step to be social for a while and it got my mind off missing my boyfriend for a few hours.

[jer77od]

Baby steps. Alcohol works wonders, huh? Lol the cause of, and solution to many of life's problems.

[Danininja]

oh yeah....One amazingly awesome thing I can say about being with my boyfriend is he's gotten me to cut my drinking down soooo drastically...I think that's why I may have been so hung over today....my body hasn't been used to me drinking so much vodka....I'm happy I was hungover though because it felt terrible and I don't want to drink again for a while....when up until a few months ago alcohol was my crutch.

[jer77od]

I wish I could also say the same. I drink every single day I have off. Lol I'm kind of the opposite of u right now. It's good to know ur doing better. Even better to know I may or may not have helped someone today.

[Danininja]

I was to the point where I was drinking every single day....As soon as I got off work (and I worked at a liquor store so I didn't need to make any stops along the way)....When I was bartending it was even worse....I was drinking AT work...and not to mention a pretty nasty coke/xanax habbit I had at the time. I'm glad I kicked that habbit....but I've kicked it before and gone back to it....so I guess I just need to keep my willpower going.

[jer77od]

Oh man. A bartender and worked at a liquor store? That actually sounds kind of awesome. Lol I love mixing coke and xanax with my liquor. I know this is the wrong advice right now. But was it at least a little fun? That sounds like party central all over again.

[Danininja]

lol..I guess I had some fun times but I did it mostly for the numbing effect....I used to be able to do coke recreationally and that was only once every blue moon but once me and my ex fiance split I kinda dove straight into it and the worst part was I was getting it for free (I guess I'm just a fun person to do coke with....I never had to pay for it and all my friends who did it were always just setting it in front of me telling me to have at it...or even bringing it to me at work if they came in to have a beer)....and than a few of my other friends had xanax and I'd ask them for some because it kinda made me forget how sad I was....so I guess I really just went from being super down in the dumps to being able to go out and have fun with my friends without crying every ten minutes...lol. And I'd drink red bull and vodka all the time so I always had that extra boost too. But after a few months of every single day being drunk/ coked out/ zombied out I'd get completely depressed when I'd come down so I knew I had to kick the habit so I actually quit my bartending job (which was a 20 minute commute anyway in a tiny, dying tourist town in Southern AZ) and I had to stop hanging out with those friends too. Than I got a pretty good job, got a promotion, than quit to work at the liquor store which actually turned out to be a living hell....I've never worked for worst people in my life before.

[jer77od]

Free coke?? You lucky! Lol I just got into into what u got out of. Always thinking about my ***** *** ex and I turn to hard drugs and alcohol. Blah blah etc. Southern AZ? I live in Tempe and I'm from Willcox AZ! Anyways I'm glad ur doing better. Also if u can score me coke and xanax... Hahah I'm just kidding. I know what u mean tho when it comes time to face reality. The depressions comes back tenfold. I remember when I was smoking speed, weed, and living off liquor. When I finally got a ahold of reality I was so depressed I tries to kill myself a few times. **** sucked!! But I'm a little better now with only a few issues remaining. Lol

[Danininja]

Wilcox is such a neat little town! And I used to live in Tempe....but it only lasted a few months....I was a teenager still and I ended up meeting the traveling hippies that used to hang out on Mill Ave and so I took off with them one day and traveled with them for a year. lol....When I was in high school I was pretty bad into meth...everyone was....luckily I was able to get off of it and I've been clean from that for 8 years....Coke made my life a little crazy but nothing like speed did...it's such a terrible drug. I had a rule for awhile that I'd only stick to natural substances (i.e. shrooms and dmt)....but even doing those as regularly as I was was a terrible idea...I guess when it comes to drugs I go head first into them but I'm able to kick the habit pretty easily and I've never tried heroin so that's good....a surprising amount of my family members have been junkies...and I had an uncle die from an overdose so I've always stayed away from that....but drinking has always been a constant. It's weird though to think back on everything because it's not like I had a bad childhood....my parents were really good, hard working people....both sets (child of divorce...lol)...and they weren't negligent in any way so looking back now I'm surprised how quickly my rebelliousness escalated when I was younger.

[jer77od]

That's crazy you know of Willcox. I know all them Southern AZ towns. I can't stand Mill ave anymore. Too many weirdos and some with beardos. Lol ya speed is such an insane drug. It's fun as hell but also just completely insane at the same time. I quit that stiff quickly. I going down the wrong path rather quickly. The very first thing I did when I first smoked speed was eat every single one of my anti psych, anti depressant, and the entire bottle of Tylenol PM hoping to die in my sleep. Needless to say I'm still here. Lol that was a fun (and expensive day). When it comes to come and natural drugs I just use those for fun. I never really abused anything but x and speed. I don't do those now. Off the subject, my roommate dared me. He said if I can eat an entire oz of shrooms I won't have to pay for them. That was a crazy night!! Lol
Anyways that's a passed time. I kind of want to try it again lately. But why? I really shouldn't have anything to complain about anymore. Oh boy, I'm starting to ramble. Lol sry
I'm sort of the same as u when it comes to kicking habits quickly. Well except alcohol. I'll probably die of liver problems. I've also never touched heroin. Or crack for that matter. That's just stupid stuff.
Maybe there is something else deep down that you are trying to fight? Something repressed? Or maybe the party person just got addicted? Idk. For me it started with depression over a dang ex. And now here I am again making all the same mistakes.
What about you? You seem to have come a long way and ended up in good arms

[jer77od]

Coke* hahaha I never had a come addiction!!! Lmao omg.

[Danininja]

lol I did get confused for a second as to how we went from talking about drug addictions to nymphomania...jk...yeah I like going to Wilcox because I like the drive and I like eating at that little box car restaurant they have there...good food.
Yeah I've gotten lucky to be where I am now I suppose....I've known my boyfriend for six years but I actually used to hate him with a passion...he was best friends with my utterly abusive boyfriend...and we actually have a drug history together...the first time I met my boyfriend now we all did a bunch of shrooms....but than after that I blamed him for my than boyfriend's meth habits and alcoholism (I was kind of a prisoner in my own home when I was with that boyfriend....I wasn't able to have friends or go out or anything)....so it took a long time to realize that just because my now boyfriend was always around, he really didn't know what was going on....he just assumed that I didn't like going out and that I was just a miserable person in general....and as far as the meth goes, I guess he had only done it with my than boyfriend a couple times recreationally...
Once that boyfriend I split up, I made up for the 3 years of my life (21-24) I had missed out on in a really intense way...I went became a dancer (one of THOSE dancers)...just because I now had to the freedom to do so....drank 3 years worth of drinking in just a manner of a few months, drugs didn't really become a problem except occasionally some x (which I won't touch anymore)...I ended up meeting my ex fiance, which that in itself is a looooooong story....I calmed down on my drinking when I was with him, but than we split, and yeah, the past year has been insane....but than I remet my now boyfriend and realized that he's actually a really caring, sensitive person....I'm so grateful he came into my life when he did because a few months ago it seemed like everything was just crumbling around me....despite my attempts to keep it all together.....actually as much as I was drinking it didn't really effect me in the sense that I ALWAYS went to work, worked hard (and long....14-16 hour days) always paid my bills (and my irresponsible, unstable roommate's more than half the time)...but than I just had enough of my job one day (after being called a *****, *****, etc by my manager and his wife who was my assistant manager, and having them tell dead mom jokes to me knowing my mom was dead....I put up with that for 6 months....so one night after an already 12 hour shift with 4 more hours to go, my assistant manager came up to me and said I was giving her attitude with my eyes....um wtf....so I just grabbed my things and walked out.) I used my last paycheck to cover ALL of my half of the bills for January...already put it towards said bills...but on New Years Eve my roommate when utterly insane and I couldn't stand her anymore anyway, so I ended up moving out of my really nice apartment just so I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore.....normally that would have sent me down a self destructive spiral...so I was soooooo lucky my boyfriend had come into my life a little prior to that...he kept me from losing my mind completely.

OMG that was quite the rant....sorry.

[jer77od]

Addicted to cum. hahaha that was classic. Stupid phone. What part of willcox do you live in now? Fry town? lol I lived in Willcox for 14 years. I don't really like that place anymore. That restaurant you're talking about though, I think is probably closed now. But, man, that was such a good place to go eat. Carter's, those places are so hard to find too. You used to hate your man and now you love him? Lol That's kind of funny actually. I've never heard of something like that happening. Kind of a cool story to tell people I bet. Abusive boyfriends huh? I seem to a magnet to those stories. Nothing ever good comes from those. My dad was an abusive guy and I've seen my mom get beat the living hell out of so many times. Just... wow. Ah, a shut in. I know exactly how you feel there. Except it was me that kept myself in instead.

Meth, one hell of a drug. SO many terrible memories. It was fun but everything that is done on that stuff was nothing but misery. One of THOSE dancers. lol. My ex used to do that stuff. Can't say I liked it whatsoever. But, hey, gotta try everything once. and so far is sounds like we have a ton of stuff crossed off already. haha

Oh man, X. I have a million stories about that stuff. I've seen thousands of people on that stuff. Some of the craziest and funniest stories. Waking up in towns not knowing how they got there. Calling your phone at 5 am for another fix. People gettting shot, robbed, etc. Good times... jk

When I was working that was also all I ever did. Drugs and work, drugs and work. I felt myself digging a hole. Endless hours of mind droning zombie BS. When I say, "zombie" too, I really mean that with all the crap ur on. Dead mom jokes??? Oh man, that's freaking harsh. ( I hate how I can't cuss on here) I would get pretty mad if someone did that to me. Mad enough to get fired. Being at work that's total harassment too. Could have sewed for "emotional anguish" or whatever it is called.

I see we both have a mountain of issues and a mountain of overcomes. Yay us. lol But we are both in good standing as of now with nothing but shxtty memories behind us. and It's ok to rant to me, I don't mind. I'm a good listener. I actually enjoy helping people with their problems. Which is funny cuz I could give 2 fxcks about myself.

How you liking this site by the way? I also made it to rant and get help but I have yet to tell anybody anything. Is it helping you at all? I think it's a great idea.

There's a rant for you. :P

[jer77od]

Hey, I enjoy talking to you. You seem to know a lot about pains and experience, and being a woman could really help my point of view right now. I finally bit the bullet and posted my issue. The reason I came here in the first place. Ur a cool mofo, If you could give me your opinion on my "Not your typical heartbreak. It's long, sorry." post. I would seriously appreciate it. and I just posted twice, don't want you to miss the post up above thinking I jumped right to this.

[Danininja]

I live in Sierra Vista...actually....no...I do live in Fry Town right now (the harsh ghetto of Sierra Visa...lol....it's really not harsh at all...and it's fun to watch crackheads run around)....aww, they closed down the box car restaurant....those heartless jerks! lol.
I actually had every intention on contacted a labor rights lawyer for aaaaall the the bs at that job but I haven't gotten around to it...I'm actually a fantastic procrastinator.
I never really had a problem with x....I mean, I did it and stuff and I'd go to roll backs or raves....but 1.) I hate techno and 2.) I realized I was seeing quite a few people older than me at these things and more and more 15 and 16 years olds....and started realizing that it was getting kind of creepy...lol...I always expected pedobear to pop out somewhere.....so I kinda just stopped one day.
I'll take a look at that post

[jer77od]

Oh, I've heard so many wonderful stories about fry town when I was in jail. Lol. I hear it's like a winter wonderland. Lol. Jk. I'm sorry. It's better then Willcox tho. I just drove thru sierra vista the other day. Ive been there a lot too. I just text my family there and I guess that place is still open. It's one of the last too. RadioShack is gone. Movie place is gone. KFC and taco bell are gone. Tattoo shop is gone. Almost all the bars are gone. Next time u hear, the entire town is gonna be blown away in the wind. Lol Procrastination is fun! I'll do it later. Haha You really should sue tho. That is just mean, wrong, and sick. That really disgusts me someone would do that to you. You should roll up and beat them to death. Lol well not to death, then they would win. That makes me mad.
R u kidding? I love x. Ur right tho. Creepy drug for sure! And I love techno. But the kind u never hear at raves. When I said I liked it earlier was because I was one of Phoenix's main suppliers in the rave scene. Lol I'm literally going to put money that a lot of my product even ended up in SV. Now those times were kind of cool. Lol speaking of creepy, I remember this one time this high school girl, probably 17, literally offered to blow me for a pill. I was so disgusted. If she would suck **** for ex, who KNOWS what else she has gotten herself into. I told her to kick rocks. What a hoe. Lol
And thanks. I'm glad I made this thingy. Lol

[Danininja]

That's pretty much what's happening to most of southern Arizona.... When I was bartending it was in Tombstone and I have worked there off and on for quite a while and every year it gets worse and worse. Sooo many places are closing there.
Yeah there's some younger girls out here who've let x completely destroy them....and it more often leads to harder drugs too....well as far as I've seen.
Yeah, Fry Town is noooo bueno....I started smoking inside now because anytime I go outside to smoke a random crackhead pops up out of nowhere asking for a cigarette or saying, "yo, whatchya like to get into?" which I kindly reply "My house...thanks bye"....lol