[shelleygone]

I've come to the conclusion that I deserve what I'm going through. I deserve to feel inadequate. I deserved the sexual abuse I endured as a child, as well as the physical abuse I endured as an adult. I deserve to not be loved or cared about. I deserve to feel humiliated. I deserve to be treated like a poisonous snake. I deserve it all. This may sound silly to some people, and some may even consider this "crazy talk" but I honestly feel that I must be suffering because I've done something to deserve this misery.

I'm tired of living like this, but really there's nothing I can do anymore. I've tried just recently opening up to people, and reach out, but it seems my cry for help is viewed as whining. Based on the responses I've gotten from people (not here at psychcentral) that my feelings are infantile. They make me feel stupid for not being normal, treat me like I'm an idiot for not getting over it and moving on. I feel like I have to keep my feelings to myself because they are not acceptable or normal. I've kept my feelings to myself my entire life, and now I know for sure that it's not okay for me to feel how I do, or have a mental illness.

I'm done trying, it's just taking too much of a toll on me. I'm not even in control of my own life anymore. I guess that's the way it has to be. I have to be how others want me to be, live how they want me to live, so I'm done. I give up.

I do want to say one last thing: Throughout my time here at psychcentral I've received some very help advice, feedback, encouragement, and support from members. I don't want anyone for a second to think that any comments left for me went in one ear and out the other because it's simply not true. I appreciate everything everyone has offered me, but I just feel like there's nothing I can do to improve my situation. My life isn't my life anymore, so me getting better is not even dependent on me. I just have to wait it out. If things get better, then I guess I'm lucky.

Thanks again for all your support.

[Pierro]

Dear Shelly,
Of course you feel like giving up after all thats happened in your life. Sometimes people dont know what to say to a person who has been through the mill. Its not that they dont care but maybe feel uncomfortable, but thats just my take on it. I'm always telling my kids. "Dont hang around people that make you feel bad about yourself". You dont deserve to treat yourself like that. Maybe you are your own worst enemy. After all that you still have it in your heart to remember the people that were good to you. I think you are amazing and stronger than you think. Don't give up PLEASE! I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you. Just Keep typing. I find its better than therapy in a way, because no matter what time of night it is there's always somebody there for you. Best Wishes.

[adam_k]

I can releate to how you feel. I often feel like I am an awful person who doesn't deserve to be happy. I feel like I deserve to have bad things happen to me. Part of this is from my low self esteem and the other part of it is from inappropriate guilt from depression.

I want to believe neither one of us are awful people. We should be able to be happy and enjoy life, but we are stuck feeling miserable. I wish I new how to help you and myself. People that haven't ever had depression have a hard time releating. My family made me feel bad for having it and told me it was all in my head. I don't think that is the case, not completely anyway. I think the way I think and cope has some to do with it, but I think there is also a physical component to it as well. Most normal people don't know what it is like to wake up and wish you hadn't. To begrudgingly try to make it through the day without losing it. Don't let those people get to you. They just lack understanding and sympathy for you. I hope things get better for you.

I'm sorry but mostly what I have is questions you may want to ask yourself. Why would you leave the one place where people don't try to make you feel stupid or weak?
What could you have done to deserve the bad things in your life?
Your life is your life and ultimately it is you who will take the steps to try to change your life. I think you should stick around and get support while you try to make those changes.

[Steve27]

I'm with you. I go through the same cycles, and have been for years. I could list hundreds, no thousands, of memories I have of actions that I regret. All that makes me think that I deserve what I get. You get out of life what you put into it etc. That has to be bullcrap though based upon some people I've met.

If by giving up, you mean isolating yourself or letting yourself be depressed, then that happens to all of us. If by giving up you mean really giving up, then try to follow the advice given above by adam and pierro. Try to just read about others. That helps me sometimes. So does helping others.

[tinyrabbit]

Nobody deserves to be abused. Abuse just makes you feel like you do. You don't think anyone else deserves it, just you.

Don't go.

[Leed]

Dearest Shelley ~ I can understand how you FEEL, but honey you do NOT DESERVE all those things! NO ONE DOES!! What child deserves to be abused? Children are innocent. Children do NOT deserve to be sexually or physically abused!!! The thought of that is HORRIBLE. And the fact that you were NOT protected from that makes my skin crawl.

You are NOT inadequate! You are just as worthy and deserving as anyone else on earth, my friend. You are just as GOOD as anyone else on earth. Whoever put these thoughts into your head should be shot.

I wish I had you here, as you need some hugs!!! Who told you your feelings are infantile? They ARE NOT! You are NOT whining!! These are your feelings and they are legitimate!

You can't be done trying sweetie. We are here to HELP. We're not going to stop trying to help. Maybe we aren't doing a good job, but we'll keep trying. If you're not in therapy, you need to get there! You DO NEED A THERAPIST. Is there any way you can get into therapy Shelley? It's really important --- I hope you can. We'll still be here for you. You can bet on that.

But try to find a good therapist, sweetie. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[shortandcute]

It's common for people who have been abused to feel like they deserved it. We feel like "Why else would these people treat me like this?" Plus, many abusers act like it is our fault. That's probably one of the hardest things about being abused.

[shelleygone]

Hi, Pierro,

Thanks for your encouragement. It means a lot to me right now. And I agree that typing is a good coping mechanism. I'm so afraid, though, that if I continue to type that people will get frustrated with my continued feelings of sadness. I know that there is only so much you can say to a person before you have to give up. I keep hoping that I'll have something good to report, but I don't look forward to it because I've been this way for so many years. The only difference between then and now, is that even though I was depressed, it wasn't an everyday thing. I could usually find occasional happiness in between my depression. Now, however, it's been an everyday, all day thing.

Anyways, thanks again for your support.

Originally Posted by Pierro

Dear Shelly,
Of course you feel like giving up after all thats happened in your life. Sometimes people dont know what to say to a person who has been through the mill. Its not that they dont care but maybe feel uncomfortable, but thats just my take on it. I'm always telling my kids. "Dont hang around people that make you feel bad about yourself". You dont deserve to treat yourself like that. Maybe you are your own worst enemy. After all that you still have it in your heart to remember the people that were good to you. I think you are amazing and stronger than you think. Don't give up PLEASE! I'm sorry I have no words of wisdom for you. Just Keep typing. I find its better than therapy in a way, because no matter what time of night it is there's always somebody there for you. Best Wishes.

[shelleygone]

Adam,

I believe the same thing is true about me-that my feelings of unworthiness in anything that is good, stems from both my low self-esteem, as well as the guilt I harbor.

You're right about most people not knowing what it's like to not want to wake up each day. I had someone tell me before that they have little tolerance for people who don't appreciate life. I know that they were referring to me, and I guess this statement was supposed to make me be grateful I'm alive. But, while I do appreciate life and think that it is a blessing for so many people, I cannot just stop feeling like I don't deserve to live, or like I hate myself and the way I have to live. I can respect another person's positive outlook on life, as I too used to enjoy waking up everyday. I used to get excited about what the new day would bring. Now, I dread it, but that doesn't mean that I don't value life.

I wish more people could understand what it's like to be depressed, or at least refrain from judging those who are suffering from mental illnesses such as depression.

Thanks for your response.

Originally Posted by adam_k

I can releate to how you feel. I often feel like I am an awful person who doesn't deserve to be happy. I feel like I deserve to have bad things happen to me. Part of this is from my low self esteem and the other part of it is from inappropriate guilt from depression.

I want to believe neither one of us are awful people. We should be able to be happy and enjoy life, but we are stuck feeling miserable. I wish I new how to help you and myself. People that haven't ever had depression have a hard time releating. My family made me feel bad for having it and told me it was all in my head. I don't think that is the case, not completely anyway. I think the way I think and cope has some to do with it, but I think there is also a physical component to it as well. Most normal people don't know what it is like to wake up and wish you hadn't. To begrudgingly try to make it through the day without losing it. Don't let those people get to you. They just lack understanding and sympathy for you. I hope things get better for you.

[shelleygone]

Hi George,

To answer your questions, I so many people treat me the same way. I have absolutely no one in my life that is supportive of me. Instead, I feel they criticize me, belittle me, humiliate me, and I don't think they care about me. No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough. No matter how hard I try to be the person they want me to be, it's never good enough. So, because there are so any people who treat me this way, and feel the way they feel about me, I just assume they must be right about something. I must really not be anything special. So why would anyone here or anywhere want anything to do with me? I just feel like if a majority of people have issues with me, then everyone else will too. That, in addition to just wanting to give up, are the two reasons why I didn't want to come back.

In regards to your second question, I, many, many years ago was caught up in a not so good relationship. The guy was bad news, and I went down with him. At the same time, I was neglecting my responsibilities as a family member, friend, co-worker, everything. I wasn't there for a lot of people like I should have been. I regret this now that I am aware of how I was behaving and what I was doing wrong. But, I never really recovered from the guilt I felt, and still feel. I do feel like a bad person. I should have been there for people, especially my family. I wasn't, so I believe that I deserve the punishment I have suffered because of my past actions. The guilt I feel will last a lifetime. I'm frustrated by it because I don't like feeling the way I do, but still I feel I deserve it.

I think I will stick around here though. Everyone so far has been very warm and welcoming to me.

Thanks for your response.

Originally Posted by George H.

I'm sorry but mostly what I have is questions you may want to ask yourself. Why would you leave the one place where people don't try to make you feel stupid or weak?
What could you have done to deserve the bad things in your life?
Your life is your life and ultimately it is you who will take the steps to try to change your life. I think you should stick around and get support while you try to make those changes.

[shelleygone]

HI Steve,

I'm sorry you too are going through these feelings of guilt. It's not fun, but I feel like you do, I deserve it.

By giving up, I mean just to stop trying to get better because I've done that and it hasn't work. I've done all I can to try and turn things around for me, but I'm stuck. I'm just ready to accept that this is the way I have to live. I'm tired of going around pretending to be happy,, putting on a fake smile just to please someone else because I think it's not okay for me to feel bad. I'm done with that.

I agree that helping others is a good thing. I'd love to this, but with my low self-esteem, lack of confidence, my extremely depressed mental state, and so many unresolved emotional wounds that have not yet healed, I could never pull off helping anyone else. I feel like if I can't even help myself, then how can I expect my help to do anyone else any good.

Thanks for your response to my post.

Originally Posted by Steve27

I'm with you. I go through the same cycles, and have been for years. I could list hundreds, no thousands, of memories I have of actions that I regret. All that makes me think that I deserve what I get. You get out of life what you put into it etc. That has to be bullcrap though based upon some people I've met.

If by giving up, you mean isolating yourself or letting yourself be depressed, then that happens to all of us. If by giving up you mean really giving up, then try to follow the advice given above by adam and pierro. Try to just read about others. That helps me sometimes. So does helping others.

[shelleygone]

Thanks,

That's exactly how I feel, like I deserve it, but I know that others do not. I'd go crazy if I knew someone was abusing my loved ones. But, when it comes to me, it just feels like people think I' the strange one so whatever happens to me, is unimportant.

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Nobody deserves to be abused. Abuse just makes you feel like you do. You don't think anyone else deserves it, just you.

Don't go.

[shelleygone]

Leed,

Thanks so much for your response and understanding. I don't get that anywhere but here. So, I really appreciate this.

I wish I could believe that I was just as good, adequate enough, worthy, etc. I do try to, and sometimes I even manage to think these positive thoughts, but it's short lived. Therapy may help, I don't know. I don't have one at the moment, and don't know when I will be able to get one. My life is chaotic right now, and I just don't think therapy will do me any good if I go in like I am. I am in such a low place that I'm not sure I even deserve the help, as I'm afraid it will be just like everything else in my life, a failure. It sometimes seems like I can't get better.

Oh, and I think that everyone here does a wonderful job at being supportive, understanding people. I can say that I have received some great advice from everyone who has responded to me, including you. I really appreciate everyone's time and effort they put into responding.

Well, again, thanks for your support, and I will give therapy some thought and see how I can maybe get it started.

Originally Posted by Leed

Dearest Shelley ~ I can understand how you FEEL, but honey you do NOT DESERVE all those things! NO ONE DOES!! What child deserves to be abused? Children are innocent. Children do NOT deserve to be sexually or physically abused!!! The thought of that is HORRIBLE. And the fact that you were NOT protected from that makes my skin crawl.

You are NOT inadequate! You are just as worthy and deserving as anyone else on earth, my friend. You are just as GOOD as anyone else on earth. Whoever put these thoughts into your head should be shot.

I wish I had you here, as you need some hugs!!! Who told you your feelings are infantile? They ARE NOT! You are NOT whining!! These are your feelings and they are legitimate!

You can't be done trying sweetie. We are here to HELP. We're not going to stop trying to help. Maybe we aren't doing a good job, but we'll keep trying. If you're not in therapy, you need to get there! You DO NEED A THERAPIST. Is there any way you can get into therapy Shelley? It's really important --- I hope you can. We'll still be here for you. You can bet on that.

But try to find a good therapist, sweetie. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[shortandcute]

I'm sorry that things have been so rough for you. I struggle with similar feelings myself, and it is hard! It's not something that you can just "snap out" of, either. It takes a lot of work. Lots of hugs to you!!