[douglas76]

Okay, so I am feeling guilt for who I am. I am feeling guilty for what my body wants. With this guilt comes irrational thought, the more irrational thought the more guilt. I can't stop my mind from racing, so the guilt just keeps on coming, and piling up. I read into little things, things that could be innocent. But I don't see them as innocent, I see them as comments about me criticism about me. Then more irrational thoughts. My hands are shaking as I type this, I keep having to go back and correct spelling and typographical errors, which is making more angry. I don't know if the comments about me are criticism, how can I tell? But my head and heart tell me they are. They throw these doubts into my head and make me think about them. I do not have what you would call a "lot" of self esteem, these doubts, this monologue of people criticizing me, this guilt for something I cant help keeps chipping away at the little self esteem I have.

[wadingthruemotions]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I don't really have advice for you. I can offer a lending ear anytime you need it. I totally understand everything you wrote here. I totally know how all of this feels.

I'm sorry I can't help much but know you do have others that truly get this.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

What do you feel guilty abt? Anything specific?
i always am consumed by racing thoughts playing conversations over and over again picking things apart that are ridiculous. It's so frustrating.

[douglas76]

Guilt about my reliance, my dependence on this one person. Guilt about my constant aroused state, even when I am depressed. Guilt about thinking that my lover doesn't love me when I know deep down that she does. Guilt that I upset her, and keep upsetting her without realizing I am doing so. Guilt that I feel guilty. When she says something, when anyone says something to me, it gets analyzed and analyzed and analyzed, looking for what they meant by the words they used, the tone, the body language, the pauses and lack of pauses. Not forgetting the context of what was said. What I assume "normal" people would conceive as a normal statement I see as something else. An excuse not to see me. A reason to leave me. A criticism of me. Pity. I cannot help the way I feel, the things going through my head, but I feel like it is adversely affect me. More so my relationships. Which in turn, causes me guilt.

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[beautifulfreak]

Originally Posted by douglas76

Guilt about my reliance, my dependence on this one person.

I can totally relate to this dependency…

Guilt a When she says something, when anyone says something to me, it gets analyzed and analyzed and analyzed, looking for what they meant by the words they used, the tone, the body language, the pauses and lack of pauses. Not forgetting the context of what was said. What I assume "normal" people would conceive as a normal statement I see as something else.

I do that constant over-analysing too…it's draining

An excuse not to see me. A reason to leave me. A criticism of me. Pity. I cannot help the way I feel, the things going through my head, but I feel like it is adversely affect me. More so my relationships. Which in turn, causes me guilt.

Criticism really hurts, it really can strangle our inner core, even though there may not have been any intentional criticism and we just perceive it as so? Due to insecurities and lack of esteem etc? You also mention abandonment…I can relate to that, I cling onto people so that they won't leave me. I have BPD so that may be where that stems from.

You cannot help your feelings, you feel how you feel. I don't know about your diagnosis or circumstances but do you have BPD too?

[adam_k]

Guilt and shame can be very powerful emmotions. Guilt usual stems from doing something you feel is wrong on some level. Like steal or lying to someone. Shame usually stem from feeling of oneself, like feeling like you are a bad person and being ashamed of yourself. Guilt can be a good emotions. It can keep our actions in check with our beliefs and conscious. Shame one the other hand can add to your misery, expecially if you are ashamed of yourself and possible your mental illnesses. I am struggle with this. For a long time I felt ashamed I had depression. Like somehow I was a bad person and desrved to feel miserable. I kept things inside and didn't get help until I self destructed. It is hard to accept yourself, expecially if you have low self esteem. It's not your fault you are depressed. You deserve to be happy. There are something that can help you. Like looking at where these feelings come from and trying to find some resolution for them. You mentioned feeling guilty about being critized. No one is perfect and it sounds like you are over critical of yourself. I do this too often. I make a mistake and I get really angry with myself and have a lot of negative self talk. I have to remind myself that I am allowed to make mistakes and I can fix things if I make a mistake. Making a mistake doesn't mean poeple will hate me or that I should hate myself because I messed up. I hope you can learn to like yourself more and give yourself some kindness and tolerance. I hope some of this helps.

[douglas76]

I am waiting for my appt with a doc to check just what it is that's wrong with me. From what I have read and been told the list is as follows:

Severe Depression
Bipolar Disorder (more down and nothing than up)
Social Anxiety Disorder
Codependency

Just need to wait to see what the doc says.

I hate this, this feeling, having to pull over because for no reason I just cry and then 10 minutes later that empty feeling, telling people the puffy eyes are because of allergies, upsetting my love because I know I do and I don't want to this inner monologue the analyzing, that's what is upsetting her.

How can I tell her I love her, that I'm sorry, again and again and again and and not upset her?

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[adam_k]

I think you should be honest with here and open. It also helps if she has support of her own. I found it helpful to have my wife in some therapy session. I told her what I wanted from her as far as support and she told me what she is willing to do. I think the key is to not make it feel like it is there job to make you happy or take care of things you should be doing. I think instead of apologizing to her maybe you could have a more of a discussion. Say something like I feel bad because of X and this makes me feel sad. Or say I feel really X and I don't know why and I want to feel better. Apologizing for depression I don't think is necessary because I think most people don't choose to feel bad, but the don't know how or don't have the meds they need to feel normal, like themselves again. I maybe she can have a support for herself as well. Dealing with a loved one with depression can be very trying at times. I hope you are able to work some things out and get your life in the place you want it to be.

[Pierro]

Hi Douglas, Sorry to hear that you are full of guilt. I know how that feels, most of the time my husband has to do everything, I feel like a child, I want to be "normal" whatever that is. I know things have changed in my brain and I think I'll never be "normal" again. I was so desperate one night that I wrote my husband a letter telling how I felt about everything, it was never meant for him to read, I felt better writing it down. It was to make me feel better. Unfortunately at the time (I thought!)he found the letter and read it. It changed our relationship for the better, I know it sounds stupid I know but is did us a lot of good. Maybe something to ponder upon. Guilt is like a disease in itself, it can eat you alive. I 'm sending you the very best wishes and I hope that you may be able to unload some guilt beause its weighing you down