Where do I go from here?

I didn't want today to happen, deaths in family, lover upset/mad at me, work stress, home stress, hiding the truth from the one family member that I am closest too, and my emotions are ****ed up.

My head hurts, my eyes hurt. I feel drained of all emotion, drained of all feelings, drained of all care. I thought about suicide a lot today, even though it was a good day over all. But whether it be cowardice or fear or just the fact that if I do it will be left to others to pick up the pieces. I think the key there is thought about it. It's not like I don't think of it other days, it is ALWAYS there in the background. Just today, today was different. Today I feared life somewhat, I didn't want to continue with life without the person I upset.

The thing I take from this is, tomorrow is another day. While I am upset that the thoughts crossed my mind, in a way I am glad they did. Because while the thoughts were there, I am still here to post this. I got home and cried. Took my boy for a walk and cried more. Went to bed to try and sleep and cried even more. Woke up about 2 1/2 hrs with RED puffy eyes, work to do, and thoughts to process. I think to much, I am way to critical of myself, I take the most innocuous and innocent comments and twist them into hurtful messages sent to me by people who love and care about me. I don't do this on purpose, I don't want to do this, but there is nothing I can do to stop this thought process.

I am going to start smoking pot, while the side affect that plagues me is uncomfortable (makes me even more horny than I am normally, and that is a lot lol), it helps me. It stops me thinking. It stops the constant crap that goes through my head. I am hopeful that this will help.

Sounds like you're having a really tough time today. I went back a skimmed your past posts and am not clear as to whether you have gotten medical help or not. That is critical.
Try to keep you mind busy while you wait for a respite from this mood. I'm under the impression that sometimes you do feel better--right or wrong?--. Listen to some beautiful music, play simple games like mahjong solitaire , hidden object games or jigsaw puzzles. Watch sitcoms on the TV. I call this baby-sitting my mind. I do it to just get a break from all the thinking. It really helped me when I was out of control. When I got a little distance I could slow my thoughts just enough to make them bearable and to see them for what they are--just thoughts.
Haven't got any relationship advice--I'm clueless on this subject.
Anyway---I hope you feel better soon.

Yes there are times I don't feel as down, but I can't remember happy. I can remember content, I feel content when I'm with my lover, when I've spoken with her. But she is upset or mad at me, and its eating me up inside. I do watch tv, sitcoms (love Big Bang) and hr long shows that get you thinking. Bones, csi, white collar. I can't concentrate on them though. I usually have 2 or 3 things going on a night, Facebook and this forum, tv, conversation with housemate, and sometimes texting. It doesn't help though. Even playing computer games doesn't seem to help as I don't want to do them. This will pass it always does. I am getting help, waiting for appt. with PCP for referral. Stress just keeps building, the things people say that get analyzed and analyzed and analyzed then twisted into criticism or hateful words. Then there are times like I am in right now, the don't give a flying f@@k mood. The worst part, the part about me I hate the most, the part that no one understands, is I can't tell people how I feel. I can't tell hem that the things they are saying are hurting me even if they didn't want it to. That the things they say never leave my head, and are just analyzed ad nausium.

You say you can watch tv , your depressive mood is not clinical or you would be in a heap in the corner, no one can understand , its your head they carnt see inside it, sometimes you have to reach the bottom before you can start the climb back up.