[Purplelily]

I really hate that I cannot shake these feelings. I hate feeling 'blah' every single day. I have been diagnosed with severe depression, agoraphobia, anxiety attacks, PTSD. I have been on so many different types of medicines, none which worked for me. Now, years later, here I am with no insurance and no way to get any kind of help. This is a small town and there is very little resources here. I've been struggling with this for most of my life. Let me see if I can describe my feelings every day:
Can't sleep
Get nervous over nothing at all
I'm over eating
I feel like I mean nothing to no one
I have had 2 failed marriages and MANY failed relationships (due to my low self esteem, jealousy, mistrust among other things)
I don't want to do anything or go anywhere or see anyone (not even in public)
I avoid social contact by any means necessary
I cannot hold a job because I always feel paranoid that I'm being judged by everyone around me
I get very, very mean and hateful when I 'do' go out anywhere public. I have had several yelling matches because I felt the other person was invading my personal space.
I don't drive anymore because I get angry at other drivers and my road rage is really bad.
I feel helpless, hopeless, unworthy, tired (all the time), angry, bitter, sad, ignorant, ashamed (because to me, this is NOT normal, nor is it okay).
I guess this is just the tip of the iceberg. My brain feels so scrambled with thoughts and I just cannot get the thoughts organized. I don't know where to start to fix this. I know I need help. All of my friends have turned their backs on me. All of my family has turned their backs on me, including my children. My brother and his wife is the closest family I have here and they tell me to just 'suck it up' and 'get over it' and I just need to MAKE myself get out of this room and do things. It is NOT that easy. When I have tried to set goals for myself, I always talk myself out of them by coming up with some notion that if I do it, what good is going to come out of it? I feel 'safe' in my room, in my bed with no one to bother me. I feel selfish just writing this because I do know and I do understand that there are others worse off than I am but yet I know that I need help myself. Ok, so that kinda felt good to get that off my chest and to see it written before my eyes, I kind of get an idea of just how awful it sounds.
Thanks for reading my mini-novel

[Leed]

Oh my friend, I know exactly how you feel. Gosh, I wish you had insurance.

Have you checked with Social Services about getting on Medicaid? Perhaps they'd put you on it on an emergency basis? You DO need treatment! Ask your doctor to perhaps write a letter that you could take to the Social Services office when you go -- then they MIGHT give it to you if he SAYS that you need treatment BADLY!!! Ask him to stress how badly you need it.

Dearheart, I do know how awful you feel. I too have severe depression (clinical depression) and without medication I slip into the pits of hell. I've been depressed like this since I was a very small child -- about 3 or 4 yrs old. I didn't get treatment until I was in my 20's because my parents were too busy getting drunk.

I still sometimes get the "racing thoughts" even with medication and it drives me nuts. I don't have any friends either. They all dumped me when my husband died. I guess a single woman in a "couples only" society isn't wanted. He died 12 years ago, and I haven't seen or heard from them since. Some friends, huh?

So I get lonely, as I'm sure you do too. I avoid going out in public. I live in a tiny village --- about 700 people, if that. If I need to shop, I have to drive about 25-30 miles. We have 2 convenience stores for little stuff.

WHY ON EARTH DO YOU FEEL GUILTY FOR WRITING??? Heavens sake, don't feel guilty!!! You're hurting and that's why we're here! To support one another. You are supposed to write, sweetie! Don't EVER hesitate to post here. EVER. I want you to CONTINUE to post too, okay? We're all in this together. And together, we'll all get better, okay?

So go to your doc and ask for that letter stating that you NEED Medicaid!!! Cause Medicaid in most states will PAY for therapy. Let me know what happens, but in the meantime, keep posting. Big hugs, Lee

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Purplelily!

Originally Posted by Purplelily

that kinda felt good to get that off my chest and to see it written before my eyes

Great -- write more when you feel ready!

[porcelainchild]

Just wanted to say your not alone in your problems..

We are here to get things of your chest..

Claire..

[Purplelily]

Thank you all! It just seems that suffering with this for so long that I could just pull myself out of it. I have tried and feel like a failure. I don't understand why people say things like 'snap out of it' or 'it's just a phase, if you do this, this and this you'll feel better'. Really? They know exactly how I feel? I'm just agitated that the few people I thought were my friends would so easily turn their backs on me when I needed them the most. When they needed me, I was there, or at least tried to be. Every single day is a struggle just to get out of bed. I do have a dog and he is great! He does keep me semi motivated because I know I have to take care of him, take him out, feed him, bathe him, etc. He knows when I have my down moments and just lays with me. Sometimes he'll bring his toys to me and will stare at me until I play with him, which I do and it does help. He has licked away many, many tears. I swear he has been the best friend I've ever had. I have tried for medicaid and they denied me. I don't know why, they just tell me I don't meet their criteria. The thoughts and feelings are just so overwhelming, so out of control and it's pretty much every day. I know that when something bad happens to me I tend to block it out or run away, avoidance basically. I do whatever I have to do to not think about it. Then there is the nightmares. I am up all night long. I usually don't go to bed till 5-6 a.m. and then I only sleep 4-5 hours because the nightmares wake me up. I have tried herbal teas but have yet to find one that will help. I think what makes it really hard is needing help and not knowing where to get it. Sadly, from what I have been told, mental illness runs in my family and I have 3 children (one is autistic, one has aspergers as well as bipolar and a slew of other mental issues and my youngest has been newly diagnosed with bi polar). I feel guilt because of their emotional being. It's not fair to them and I feel like a horrible mother because of that. My youngest son already hates me. To make a very long story short, my ex husband took my kids from me when they were 8,7 and 6. He claimed my second ex husband was beating them. I was a stay at home mom and was with them pretty much 24-7 so I know there wasn't any abuse going on, not towards them anyway. My kids father got them for visitation for the summer, next thing I know, I get papers in the mail saying the courts had awarded him emergency custody. Anyway, that's just a little bit of that situation. It just seems like after that, I never could recover, and I haven't yet. It's been 13 years and the pain is still fresh.
Leed, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to understand how it feels, just that I have sympathy for anyone that has lost someone close to them. Granted, my kids are alive and well, they are 2 states away and they don't want anything to do with me, so I guess, that is a loss, just not in the same way. I am so horrible with words, please forgive me if things come off as rude or inconsiderate, I don't mean them to be that way, I'm just not very articulate.

[Purplelily]

I posted a reply but it hasn't showed up. How long does it usually take for posts to show up? Anyway, just wanted to say a big 'thank you' for the encouraging words. It does feel good to write things down, especially on here because the fear of being judged isn't near as bad as it would be in a public place.

[robflee23]

i know what you mean about how hard it is to leave your room to try and do things. when i wasnt on medication i would try and set goals but they just never got finished...hell sometimes they never even got started. having insurance would really benefit ya. i used to think medication or even therapy were "easy ways out," but thats just a pride problem on MY end. if it affects your life you have to deal with it

[Leed]

Purplelily, I cannot imagine having my kids taken away, so you HAVE experienced a HUGE loss.

People who tell you to "snap out of it" or say that it's "just a phase" are totally ignorant and have never been depressed. It would be nice if they would read up on depression before they open their mouths! Saying things like that can hurt, especially when you're already having a terrible day! It also makes you angry -- and I don't know about others, but there have been times I've wanted to snap someone's head off after they said something stupid like that.

You are NOT a failure -- pulling yourself out of a deep depression is difficult to say the least! Won't your doctor put you on antidepressants? I know they're expensive, but many manufacturers will offer help with paying for them or even sometimes giving them to you for FREE. check with your doctor -- or your doctor could give you samples if you let him know your financial situation. Just be honest with him. But you DO need an antidepressant! There's no need to live like this if you don't have to! Talk to your doctor, okay?

Let us know what happens, too. Big hugs, Lee

[Stosh]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time Purplelilly. I am surprised that you do not qualify for medicaid as I think you should. Have you thought about applying for Social Security? I know that takes time but at least you could get started. Also isn't there maybe a free clinic that you can go to? I guess I don't know what is available in a small town though but there has to be something. I am going through depression myself. It was really really bad last week. Going through medicine changes. I have been very sick for at least 4 years now. But probably sick for longer. So much has gone on in my life that I guess it finally caught up to me a few years back. I am making progress but now I am just waiting to get a least a part time job. That's another thing. Do you have Vocational Rehabilitation in your town? They can help you with so much. And at this point I am trying with their help to get a job. I used to clean house for 23 years that I literally got burned out on. Like you I don't have many friends but I do have this one friend who lives about 40 miles from here so she is not convient to visit all the time. Thankfully at this time I am living with my daughter and two gr.daughters part time. Daughter full time. She was living with me but then I lost my last cleaning job because they could tell I was not doing a good job anymore. Now I want a driving job. I used to not mind being deaf but now I am fustrated with it because most jobs require you to hear. And I cannot hear very well on the phone. But I am getting into the solution with that. You know? I was so sick a few years ago that it was recommended that I live in a assisted living facility. In and out of hospitals 6 times in less than a year getting worse and worse. I just wanted to die. I wish I had more skills than cleaning. But now I absolutely hate cleaning. And I do thank God right now that I am on disability. Have been since 1985. But I did have at least 15-20 years of normal living on my own raising my daughter. I never used to take advantage of my insurance until a few years ago. Unlike you however I couldn't stay in bed. I am an early riser but not much of a life. Sounds like we have all had our share of problems and losses. I lost my older daughter due to my mental illness back in 1985. "schizophrenia". But I don't have that. I have bipolar depression. I don't even get the ups anymore. But Purplelily, there has to be a way for you to get help. You have a computer, so I would start researching. Thank you by the way. Talking to you helped me too. I hope you get this. Let me know.

[Fuzzybear]

Stosh has a good, revealing way to go, Purple Lily. Apply for disability; your illness
may qualify you for that, but you'll need a psychiatric evaluation to determine if a
major illness is responsible for what's happening to you.

I wish you the very best and am so sorry you're having to go through this. There must be a way out for you, somehow.

[gracez]

Hi PurpleLilly,

I am so glad for your post, it helped me. I don't have the trauma of what's happened with your kids, etc. but it seems I suffer from a lot of the same feeling as you do - feeling hopeless every day, never wanting to get out of bed and often simply don't. You're so lucky that you have a dog! He sounds adorable. I wish I did, but I'm dog sitting for someone next week, and so grateful.

I couldn't read all of your post today, I've got a fever and was just able to skim.

I know how hard it is to try to "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" all the time. I tried this for a while, but have stopped. Nothing works for me.

I wanted to tell you that I also don't have insurance, and am unemployed, with no savings, & do not qualify for Medicaid or any services in my state. It's ridiculous, and made me feel more hopeless, and I spent 3 months researching it. I just wanted to let you know that I know this pain.

Are there free or sliding scale services in your area? Please check. I checked in mine extensively let me tell you. Because usually there are. Just not in my city if you can believe it. A starting point could be for you to call the crisis center, they should be able to tell you a list of what's available. Do you have a car? I also just started calling therapists, etc. and asking if they did pro bono work. This was suggested to me.

Please keep posting, you're never judged here. Feel free to PM me if you like. I'm thinking of you

Grace

[shery53]

oh my I know how you feeIhave beeen dx with major depresssion and now bipolar,Ialso feel alone even though Ihave a loving supportive husband,These illnesses
can make us feel alone so I am glad for these boards

[shery53]

I know how you feel I feel so alone wheb I am depressed. My husband tries to reasssureme but when I get like this it does not help.