[Missy_H]

This is completely irrelevant to the other topic I posted tonight, but I logged onto Facebook before and it got me thinking.
I don't use Facebook much and I don't have anyone I'd class as "friends". At least, nobody who I'd consider worth hanging out with on a constant basis. But there are a couple of people who I used to be fairly close with who, quite frankly, make me feel a bit jealous and even angry that I'm not as happy as they are.

There is one person in particular. Her name is Karen. She was my best friend in university. One day I revealed to her I was suffering from depression, and she said she was too (her's mostly revolved around being overweight and hating herself for it). We really bonded after that, and became even closer friends. We'd even planned on leaving uni at the end of the year and moving in together so that we could get some money behind ourselves, and maybe even travel overseas. I was really excited about this because it was the first time in a long time that I had any long-term goals. I felt almost...happy.

Except...about a month before uni finished for the year, Karen quit uni. She said she was sick of it and wanted to move interstate with her sister. I was really upset. I'd been looking at houses, packing my things, and getting ready for the big move. I felt like I'd been betrayed somehow. Here I was, planning to move in with one of the best friends I'd ever had. And she'd been making completely different plans.

And now, I see her on Facebook....and she looks so, so happy. She's thin now. She looks great. Even her fashion sense has improved. She is always taking photos when she goes out and has fun. She has all these new friends that she hangs out with. She's always writing statuses about how happy she is now, and how she wished she had moved sooner.
And...I guess I feel a bit angry about it. Because why can't that be me? Why can't I be happy like that? Why can't I be hanging out with her and having an amazing time? How was she able to move on from her depression, while I feel like I'm going backwards? She looks great, seems to have great friends, she has a job and a house. Meanwhile I'm living back with my parents, hate my life, and can't see myself ever being happy. Especially not happy like Karen seems to be. It makes me feel so...bitter.

[Puffyprue]

In life sadly things not always works in a way we wanted or hope it should be, i understand your feeling and it must be hard , but if she can do this without you you also can do this without her, you know what i meant, everyone deserves to be happy including you and the only thing to make that possible it need to start from you...i am not saying its gonna be easy but if you work hard on it its possible..

And about Facebook, all the people who sounds and have this happy status not always have a happy life, sometimes they just want to sounds happy to cover up their lonely life ...believe me i know someone who like this ...she seems like she always on holiday and have a nice life but unfortunately i know her and i know she is depressed and ect ....Facebook to me its like popularity and showing off contest so dont take it personally

Hugs to ya

Yeah, it kind of annoys me. It makes me bitter, like you said.

[Pierro]

I think people want others to think that they are happier than they are. It's bs if you ask me. Of course you would be upset, making all those plans .. and then nothing. Maybe she's not as happy as you think ?!

[hannabee]

I agree with the others! People spending time posting on Facebook are not really that happy and I think most of it is BS. I read your other post and I am so sad that you are having such a difficult time with your parents. I went through a similar thing in my 20's when I moved home after attempting suicide. It was the worst thing I could have done as there was absolutely no support there. Please please try to think of something different to do. Become a nanny or companion/aid for a senior and live in??? There has got to be something!! Get out of there asap and I think you will start to feel better!

[Missy_H]

That's true. I think most of the bitterness comes from the fact that she basically ditched me after making all those plans to move. I was really excited about moving, and I was hoping that living with a close friend and not having the stress of uni would really help me out. Though a part of me still hopes she has days where she is feeling down....and I know that's a really horrible way to think. But I feel like I've been lied to or something. For example, I don't even have a single photo with Karen. I knew her for a whole year and I don't have any photos with her. And yet I see her on Facebook uploading heaps of photos with her new friends; out partying, having lunch together, hanging out together, going to the beach, etc. And it makes me angry because we never did those things together. Since we were both depressed, we'd spend most of our times watching movies and staying indoors. Even when I wanted to go out and do something, she wouldn't want to. And I'm left wondering...why is she doing this now?? Why is she doing all these fun things with your new friends, but she didn't want to do them with me? Was it something I did wrong? Didn't she want to be seen in public with me? Did I bring her down or hold her back? It's so frustrating. It makes me feel like a teen in high school again, dealing with silly high school drama. And I know it shouldn't upset me so much, but it really does.

Edit - I definitely agree Hannabee...I need to move out asap. I'm thinking of moving back to the city. I can't afford to live on my own, but I'm looking at sharehousing. The idea of licing with a group of people I don't know kind of scares me...but I keep thinking to myself that it can't be worse than my current situation. My parents are bringing me down and I hate how far my depression has slipped ever since I've moved back in with them.

Hello, Missy, and welcome to the forum.

As long as you hold a belief about yourself based on somebody else's happiness, you're going to feel envy, jealousy, and a whole lot more. One of the best things I ever learned was not to evaluate myself based on what anybody else said because people reveal more of themselves than anything else when they start talking.

SO-oo-o. What to do about it? Just evaluate who you are, Missy, based on your own deepest principles and try to live by those. That way you will win and you never have to judge yourself either. (And that also keeps us from judging others.)

When we compare ourselves to others and feel that we don't measure up to the qualities of others, we're always going to be looking outward instead of inward to value what we have and can work on for improvement. Happiness is really a by- product of being knowledgeable about ourselves and of living well.

Let any anger, jealousy and competitiveness be gone with the wind, in my view, and look to yourself for the way to make your life as content as you want it. I'll tell you the truth, for me it was taking a spiritual view of life. For others, it may be psychiatric help to work out some problems of early childhood disturbances, or just learning how to manage the events of our lives.

Take care of yourself and look for people as friends who are down to earth, respect who you are, and want to be respected. You'll find them because there are plenty of them out there who need and want your friendship.

One other thing you might be alert to is that young people,
especially of college age, have not yet reached full maturity, and they
are very apt to change their minds easily and quickly, just as they did during their teen years.

Good wishes.

Im going with the rest of them about Facebook. People put on a happy go lucky face on and want everyone to think they have the great life...only behind closed doors is hurt, loneliness, pain, depression, addictions, self abuse, fear revealed. On here we are all keep it REAL! We can say how we really feel or tell what happened to us or what saddens us. You are not alone I surely can say that because I feel the same way.

[melbykins7676]

I think every single day about how everyone is happier than me and "why do I have this mental illness every day" but I realize that most people are unhappy and put on a show, so that people think they are happy and doing well. I don't wish this on anyone, but it would be nice if people were honest and said how they REALLY felt!

I have had a mental illness for 20 years and am very open about it. I'm me, and if you don't like it ... well ... there's nothing I can do! I've tried every medication out there, go to regular therapy weekly, and am starting ECT soon. It is hard to be happy with everything going on, so I'm just being myself.

I'm just going to answer the question... no I don't feel angry or resentful. I'm glad for them if their reasons for being happy are good.

That's an issue that I wrestle with myself. I do agree about Facebook on what the others have said. I was on it for a week one time and that was enough. I got out of it. I heard that Facebook causes depression. I believe it.

The area I have a problem with is that I am middle-aged and unattached. It seems like it's been that way for me forever. I have never been married and it's been a long time since I had someone. There are other guys who are my friends and lately they have girlfriends now. They waited a long time just like I have. They've got someone. I'm still waiting. They waited a long time, but not as long as I have.

[newlifeyeah]

I'm happy if my friends are happy and doing good. it makes me feel better, I know my time to shine is coming. and I don't care when, I just know it's coming. feeling envious can cause even deeper sadness and depression.

I can't be around happy people...I have nothing in common with them and I can't relate; I don't remember what it feels to be happy. Being around happy people makes me want to run out of the room.
Part of it is my family...I have two cousins who live nearby who I was very close to (past tense, mostly due to them growing up and going to college, etc). One married a great guy (her first boyfriend) after college, got a great job right away, new car, just bought a house, and got a new dog. I cannot be around this part of my family.
Their mother, my aunt, is my mother's sister, and it's just impossible to see them all so amazingly "normal." Like how could everything go so wrong with my mother (she was very sick her whole life with MS and died 5 years ago, and my dad loved her more than can be put into words and now he still doesn't know what to do with himself...he told me he never wanted children, so I am just a footnote to their love story. She was the one who wanted a child.) and then my aunt gets this happy, wonderful life while my mother gets crap for a life. So yeah, I am angry...but I think it would be weird if I was just passively happy for them...I want them to be happy but they can do it without me around.

[luvinglife2012]

In truth yes I get angry and jealous of my friends happiness, however, I do enjoy knowing that they are. When I feel this way I take a good long look at myself and ask some important questions, mostly, WHY?

I feel like this mostly when I am lacking in my life, no mate, no one to do things with, letting life get the better of me, etc. We all want to be happy and enjoy life (I believe), but we have to take our good days with the bad ones. Persevere!

The way to happiness is too choose it. We do have that kind of control.

Take a moment and remember when you were happy, hold that feeling and cherish it.

[shery53]

I don't feel jealous of others being happy I am jealous I have depression and bipolar and they don.t

[emny107]

I agree with you shery53. I won't lie, there are times when I kinda go "look at that assh*le smiling!" in my head, and I catch myself. I don't like that feeling of being hateful towards others.

For me, it's more of like "how do people do it?? how are people so damn happy and committed and full of passion in their lives?!". I'm sure, or I guess I know I've had those moments in my life. Maybe more so than I'm giving myself credit for. But when you're deep in depression, it's almost like those happy moments have never existed.

[Taxt1271]

Getting upset at others happiness or finding your happiness in others (both of which I'm guilty of) are major insecurity signs. It shouldn't be that way yet I understand why it feels so natural to many depressive people.

It's also always nice to remember that people put on faces in public or even just around others. They don't blurt out all their problems and such. So even if they don't show it it's probably there. Few people live without problems or sadness.

[Sadley]

No, but only because I don't have any friends. I too have a FaceBook account and I have 0 friends. I haven't had a "real" friend for 18 years. I feel sick when I even think about it. I am a very jealous person. People do not talk to me the same way they do to other people, if they talk to me at all. It is horrible, worse than living in hell.

oh yes- a lot!

it makes me so angry to see how everyone around me seems to have their lives planned out, they know what they are doing... they have their own place- or a job or what ever, and i'm like... wow.... how can anyone enjoy life so much

for me- it makes me really want to hate that person... but i think a lot of it is because i'm envious because they have so much going for them

[Missy_H]

I think that's definitely true, shattered sanity. I don't hate the people around me who are happy, but I don't understand it, and that's what makes me angry. Sometimes I just wish they could be as depressed as me, if only for a day, so that they would be able to understand me or know what I'm going through.

It's hard being so down all the time and having no motivation, then seeing all the people around me who can live their lives perfectly normally (even if they are hiding it, they are doing a better job than me). Some days just leaving the house is hard for me, and when I do, I see people around me who are going about their day perfectly normally...and I want that. So badly. I would love to have a job or go back to university, but it seems like such a distant prospect for me right now. I hate depression so much.

[Cocosurviving]

I can relate to you. I don't get on FB much either b/c I've been to depressed.
When I see my old friends I'm jealous of them. Their happy, living there lives and enjoying it. I begin to question God and ask why me, what did I do ????????!!!!!!!!!

[MusicMike]

Originally Posted by Missy_H

I think that's definitely true, shattered sanity. I don't hate the people around me who are happy, but I don't understand it, and that's what makes me angry. Sometimes I just wish they could be as depressed as me, if only for a day, so that they would be able to understand me or know what I'm going through.

It's hard being so down all the time and having no motivation, then seeing all the people around me who can live their lives perfectly normally (even if they are hiding it, they are doing a better job than me). Some days just leaving the house is hard for me, and when I do, I see people around me who are going about their day perfectly normally...and I want that. So badly. I would love to have a job or go back to university, but it seems like such a distant prospect for me right now. I hate depression so much.

Some of the people on this thread replied that your friend probably isn't as happy as she seems (which is likely true), and some people said you will make yourself miserable by comparing yourself to others, which is also true as far as it goes.

But both of those responses can miss something, which is to offer insight and compassion into this core pain you having, the pain of depression. Even if your "friend" is really absolutely miserable, that doesn't help you much, because you still feel the acute pain of depression. And for a depressed person to suffer because they see happy people everywhere is pretty normal. It's not the cause, it's the symptom. The pain of the depression is the most primary thing, and making all these comparisons happens on top of that.

So it's a priority for you to put yourself in a situation where you can feel cared for by yourself or others, and give that depression a chance to heal.

Also, see if you can get in contact with the pain of depression as something separate from the thoughts it creates. See if you notice sensations in your body. If you notice your thinking, see if you can notice the tone of voice it comes in (does your thinking sound like a depressed person speaking?) and how the tone of voice affects you.

For a person in a serious depressed state, who is used to making comparisons and does it automatically, it's likely too much to ask them to stop comparing themselves to happy people, but if you can be more mindful about the root feeling of depression, and more mindful of the tone of voice the thoughts come in, then you will feel less gripped by the depression. Hopefully you can feel a sense of increased freedom to choose what you want to think about, or choose what you want to do.

Think of the depression as a sickness, and love and compassion as nutrients that can help you regain strength. Do what you can to put yourself in situations where you feel love, compassion and empathy.

Mike

[Clara22]

Hi Missy, this is a very good question. Despite I think that Facebook should be called Fakebook, at least for some people I know, I have to admit that I feel bitter about other people happiness sometimes right now. This is the first time I am experiencing this, you can see, I am disabled and got my disability early in life, but never felt this thing. Now, perhaps because of reasons I do not know, i started feeling this bitterness. i do not fight it, just let it be. I am not sure if this is the way i should proceed. But there are some many of other things I have to modify to be better! I feel leaving this thing of the bitterness to deal later with. Hope sharing my feelings will help you some way. Thank you again for posting your question

[shery53]

Originally Posted by melbykins7676

I think every single day about how everyone is happier than me and "why do I have this mental illness every day" but I realize that most people are unhappy and put on a show, so that people think they are happy and doing well. I don't wish this on anyone, but it would be nice if people were honest and said how they REALLY felt!

I have had a mental illness for 20 years and am very open about it. I'm me, and if you don't like it ... well ... there's nothing I can do! I've tried every medication out there, go to regular therapy weekly, and am starting ECT soon. It is hard to be happy with everything going on, so I'm just being myself.

Goood luck with your ECT I had it and it helped me vey much

[dg1983]

Whenever I checked facebook it would be a constant reminder of how depressed I am and how my depression has led me to be so lonely and isolated. I used to have about 180 "friends". I would get all these people putting up all these new statuses everyday, some girls would announce they just got engaged or they love their boyfriend or something...or post pictures of these group vacations in Cuba. I would feel like garbage after looking at that stuff so I ended up cutting my friend list down to my "real" friends, so now my friend list consists of family members and some people I see like once every month or two. The real people in my life I guess.

Facebook is totally FAKEbook. I feel bad sometimes that I feel jealous for people's happiness, but I feel twitter and fakebook is there for people to put a show and brag about everything they have...like look at my new giant engagement ring! Look at my new house! My new car! etc. It was like people constantly competing with each other, who was "happier".