everything from beginning to end

I'm sorry if I bored you with all my stories.

I didnt realize you moved past the other convo, no harm done I hope? We can talk or you can spill, whichever you prefer.

Oh it's okay. in fact, the pictures happened during fifth grade. I forgot to be specific. My bad.

Im not bored. I wish you could feel better, thats all, but it takes time.

then after 7th grade, i began to go into porn and all that stuff. i struggled trying to quit. I don't look at it often but when i feel the urge to be sexual and all that. and when something bad happened the next day, i would be like it must be the porn i watched. well i don't want to watch it if there was something better to do or if i had a girlfriend or if i wasn't bored or supercharged sexually.

I thought I continued with my previous post.

maybe all that porn had to do with my being hateful and bitter and everything. i felt like that was my punishment. porn was like a cycle that never ended. it just went on and on until finally i realized it had to be the hurts and pains and i started to talk about everything. I'm coming clean.

hello? are you okay?

Im here, I was reading a different post for a minute. Youre getting a lot out. Keep going if you want to. Porn is out there. A lot of people come across it and sex is part of our nature. Sexual exploitation is something I dont agree with. Thats just me.

I don't either but since I'm still a teen, do you think it could be a hormone. I'm turning 18 pretty soon and I wanted to know if my hormones could be a factor in my feeling sexual urges.

I started seventh grade with the same group of people, this time there were a lot more that I did not know and I was trying to be on my best behavior so that i could win them. I tried to be nice most of the time and people liked me. some did not--the ones who still held a grudge against me but then some came around eventually. some never changed and continued to be their usual self. I said lots of mean things, I insulted their way of socializing like they would call each other mommy and i was like you're so uncivilized and weird... the uncivilized came from their running around like children...in a middle school setting. Of course, I didn't because when I was younger if i had done the same thing i would have gotten in trouble. when i play around with others, they accuse me of doing something wrong. so I was like i guess i'm not meant for those types of games.

I want to evict porn in my life. I feel like porn can never satisfy me. I want to lose interest in porn. I do it occasionally but still i feel bad afterwards.

One would think that porn can be a problem solver for all that loneliness but really that void just expands as time goes on

And because I have a lot of alone time, I just happen to indulge in it when i feel the urge. when i feel like ooh nobody's watching, might as well have all that crazy fun. well that crazy fun is going to cost you, dude, i say.

Porn might be for some people, not for everyone. Its legal so its out there. You can click off but addictions can be hard to break. Finding an acceptable hobby to replace the porn might work. Do you have hobbies? It sounds like hormones to me but Im not a doc, so, dont quote me. I was about 13 when it happened to me but I kissed girls before that.

The seventh graders were doing things that didnt seem important to you. Thats ok. I think it gets complicated when you mix your emotions into it by thinking either they or you must be wrong since you dont like the same things. Its perfectly ok to be different. It doesnt mean you or they are weird but I processed it similar to you at your age so I understand.

It probably is just hormones because normally i wouldn't do it.

Dont make yourself feel guilty for too long over it or anything. Just choose if you want good health or poor health. I recommend making decisions that promote good health for yourself.

But how did you get out of it? maybe you can provide me some insight.

Yes I can be judgmental at times. Like if someone looks a certain way that matches a particular type of person I would just say omigosh he looks like a... why do people have to do this? .. my gosh, why couldn't they have? You get me?

Everyone's judgmental but my judgmentalism, if not contained, can hurt people.

when others use it, it doesn't seem that serious. maybe that's why others are punished less harshly.
when i use it, it's either they don't like my voice or my tone of voice.
life is not fair sometimes. you get judged by how you look. people always say never judge a book by its cover but we always do it. people who are attractive tend to get dates and high paying jobs.

I can be shallow too and when others are being too shallow i get mad as well. Why do I contradict myself so much?

Eight grade year was my last year in middle school. I was not my usual self. I was under the impression that if I started to be creepy and mean others would be terrified and would just back off. That worked kind of. It didn't entirely because some people were actually attracted to me and kind of just laughed. It was strange. then at the end of the year i apologized to most of them.

that was when i first started to masturbate.

I know what you mean. Theres a whole sub culture of unhealthy thinking people. Theres reasons for that. You were born into a world in motion. You didnt realize how much motion til you started to get older. As you get older, if you look, you'll see there are certain gears at work in the world at all times. If you pay attention you'll see that these gears actually oppose each other in direction and we, the people, get pulled into these gears unknowingly. Thats why we have bullies and domestic violence and many other unhealthy habits. There is a machine keeping it all running.

I escaped somewhat when I found the spirit of God. I now can love and forgive and be hopeful. I still worry though, the forces are strong.

Sounds paranoid doesnt it? For me its not, I call it awareness. I choose what I believe. I see with my own eyes. I dont conform or follow, I merge in and out. Way too much to tell you without specific questions to answer and what works for me isnt for all. I can only tell you what has worked for me.

You are a diamond in the rough so to speak. Youre still growing, still learning. It hurts but you will eventually get to the point, if you dont give up, where you see beauty alongside the not so beautiful. Take nukes for instance. The plant disaster in Japan was horrid. Did you see the spirit of those who survived? This wasnt an event for our observation or so that we could learn something new about ourselves, it was a tragic killing event in which many died. And in the rubble we saw the sprit of the survivors. Beauty where none could possibly exist.

The world is beautiful if you could let yourself see.

when does a teen usually stop becoming too sexual?

of course, I haven't always been the strong type of person. When people got on my nerves, I felt like talking back at them. When people made fun of me, I would get offended easily. Why is that? Like why are so people so thick-skinned whereas the rest of them are thin-skinned?

so then when I was in ninth grade I moved to this new city. I loved being here because I thought that I would make a lot of friends and that I would be able to go out with them on the weekends. Well, things have not changed since then. I missed being in that old city because it was there that my friends and I got together and hung out with each other on weekdays where we did our homework, received tutoring help, and played board games. now we all drifted apart, and we have not seen each other for years. We have not been in touch for a long time and I don't miss it anymore. I missed it then but then I forgot all about it. I mean, I've got to move on, and I can't always rely on old friends, you know. That's what someone tried to tell me. I tried to get over it and I cried over it before I moved. I remember that did vividly like it was yesterday.

Looking back to that time, I want to shed one more tear. But tears are precious and I don't want to shed anymore because I have cried one too many when I was bullied in middle school. Now that I was out, I no longer had to see my bullies but I also missed my friends dearly. That was 2 years ago, when i was a freshman in high school. I was very lonesome, hoping that people would be my friend. The more desperate I got, the less likely things would change. I don't think my complaining is going to change anything. I hope for the best though.

> when does a teen usually stop becoming too sexual?

I think we're all different. Why do you think you're too sexual?

> Like why are so people so thick-skinned whereas the rest of them are thin-skinned?

Probably a lot of factors go into that. It takes all kinds to make the world go round. Whatever you are, dont hate yourself for it. Personally I think a healthy amount of sensitivity is a good thing.