[GenCat]

Today, I spent my entire day out of town with two of my closest friends. One, knows about my severe depression and thoughts of wanting to kill myself. I told her at the beginning of the day that it will be hard for me to engage and have fun. While I did really enjoy my day, it was so hard to just stop and feel happy. When I'm around people, especially a lot of people or in a public place, I just feel so lost, and empty. I find myself starring at everyone, drowning in my own sea of unhappiness as I watch others be happy and live a more normal life than I.

I don't know what it was about today that made me feel so alone, unhappy and helpless, but I did. I feel terrible because I know my friends had a great time, but I know they knew I did not. They try so hard for me to be happy but nothing seems to bring me out of this sad shell I'm in.

[satymish]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Today, I spent my entire day out of town with two of my closest friends. One, knows about my severe depression and thoughts of wanting to kill myself. I told her at the beginning of the day that it will be hard for me to engage and have fun. While I did really enjoy my day, it was so hard to just stop and feel happy. When I'm around people, especially a lot of people or in a public place, I just feel so lost, and empty. I find myself starring at everyone, drowning in my own sea of unhappiness as I watch others be happy and live a more normal life than I.

I don't know what it was about today that made me feel so alone, unhappy and helpless, but I did. I feel terrible because I know my friends had a great time, but I know they knew I did not. They try so hard for me to be happy but nothing seems to bring me out of this sad shell I'm in.

I am in the same boat. Can't feel happy whatever I do. Can get distracted and enjoy for some time but then sadness comes back in. Have you tried to figure out the reason why you are sad? If you know the reason, at least you can decide if that reason is worthy enough to be sad. I have realized that sadness like other emotions is by choice and state of mind given the right tools.

[herethennow]

Originally Posted by GenCat

.While I did really enjoy my day, it was so hard to just stop and feel happy. When I'm around people, especially a lot of people or in a public place, I just feel so lost, and empty. I find myself starring at everyone, drowning in my own sea of unhappiness as I watch others be happy and live a more normal life than I.

I get that feeling. While we're smiling.. it's just a facade. We may feel somesort of enjoyment, but emptiness prevails. It's just the depression doing it's job, as always.

(((((GenCat))))) hope you could remember the fun you felt though.

[Clara22]

Hi GenCat,
Thanks for this post.
Sorry for this question (in case it is painful) but can you identify the ideas that come to your mind when you are around people and feel unhappy? What comes to your mind in that moment? To me, many times the worse thoughts come to me before I meet them, and that refrains me from going out. Thoughts have to be that I don't like the way I look. Sometimes, I have resentful thoughts abut their appearance, although the first thing that comes to my mind is that they are superficial and fake (the resentfulness is underneath, it took me a while to discover that - and it is not nice to discover that I can be resentful). Anyway, normally once I am out, I do not have a lot of thoughts although sometimes I do not feel happy to be there.

GenCat It is good that you decided to spend the day with your friends and not go back to bed (like I woudl have probably done). I truly hope you will feel better step by step.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi GenCat,
Thanks for this post.
Sorry for this question (in case it is painful) but can you identify the ideas that come to your mind when you are around people and feel unhappy? What comes to your mind in that moment? To me, many times the worse thoughts come to me before I meet them, and that refrains me from going out. Thoughts have to be that I don't like the way I look. Sometimes, I have resentful thoughts abut their appearance, although the first thing that comes to my mind is that they are superficial and fake (the resentfulness is underneath, it took me a while to discover that - and it is not nice to discover that I can be resentful). Anyway, normally once I am out, I do not have a lot of thoughts although sometimes I do not feel happy to be there.

I can just watch my friends, or others and think about how wonderful their life will be because they are in charge and are actually doing things with their life, unlike me. I feel like I'm not really there, in person, watching them. I think, wow, they are so happy, or wow, she really has her life working out for her. Has multiple jobs, going to college and getter good grades, has a boyfriend and plans on getting married in the next 5 years.

Both of my friends are VERY outgoing, and they are successful, unlike me. I still find it humorous how I'm friends with them.

[PolarBearBlues]

I know the feeling. Every time I started going out with friends again after a major episode, I would stare at people and feel as if I did not belong because I did not share their energy and laughter. I got tired just thinking about trying to come up to their level of "normalcy" and vitality and all I usually wanted was to curl up alone somewhere safe and dark with just my undemanding cat for company.

Fortunately one of my best friends knows a lot about depression. I try to only go out with her after really bad bouts of depression. I would be awkward and unsure, but she would try to draw me out and at the same time let me know I should just do what's comfortable for me. We would do very low key things that don't involve a lot of conversation; a movie, followed by coffee, and no talk about my black dog days until, maybe weeks later, when and if I feel comfortable about it I would blurt out a little about it. She doesn't pressure me about it, for which I'm glad, and she is generous with long close hugs with no questions asked, for which I'm thankful, more so since this ugly cycle has been going on for years and in more than one occasions I've let her down: freaking out and going incommunicado on her important events with which I've promised to help, for instance.

Sorry for rambling on. All I really wanted to say is these things happen, they come and go. But friends who stick around make it bearable.

*hugs*

[Clara22]

Hi GenCat,
Thanks a lot for sharing. It helps me, as well. I admire you because you seem to be a young persons with maturity and self consciousness, and because you went to see your friends even you knew you may not enjoy it as much as you want. I hope you feel better soon. I do not know how to say this, without offending people in America, who have been so good to me. I have learned so many things in America, but I found that your culture is too competitive and that that brings a lot of unhappiness to people. Since you are born, you are forced to compare yourself with others. That is not good, and it is useless. You and your circumstances are an unique event in this Universe. There is not better or worse compared to others. There is better or worse compared to yourself. Please, do not judge yourself in comparison to others. you can look at your past and see if you have progressed or gone backwards, and try to understand why. Sometimes, we feel a lot of pain at recognizing we are going backwards or the past comes to hunt us. But at least we are focussing on our own improvement. On the other hand, what is the level of happiness of your friends, really? We never know what happens inside them. (Sorry, but I saw that many times people have to show off their happiness and demonstrate everything is OK with them in your culture, regardless the thrush. Why? to me, this is insane) Also... Are they really living the life they want, or they are copies of what this society wants them to become? i feel in America life is too programmed and that if you do not fit in those cannons (marrying, having a degree, having a car, having children) you are a loser. Why? Who said that? Read the post of Bluegerbera1 above. She says she has all what people want to have: a family, friends, a good job. But still, she is depressed. I do not if what I am telling you is helpful, and I apologize if i offended you or you feel I have prejudices against your country. But, if you can, please, think about it a least for a bit. The bottom line to me is that sometime the cause of our depression is not only in ourselves, it is in society. Society pushes us too hard. And in fact, sometimes, we are too originals for this society. Our difference bothers society and sadden us, we feel unhappy because we are different, and according to the norms of society, we are not as 'winners' as we should. Of course, having a boyfriend or a career could be a good thing. So, it is OK to miss them. But, again, "could", because, in fact, sometimes they are not good. Anyway, again, thank yo for sharing.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Clara22

Hi GenCat,
Thanks a lot for sharing. It helps me, as well. I admire you because you seem to be a young persons with maturity and self consciousness, and because you went to see your friends even you knew you may not enjoy it as much as you want. I hope you feel better soon. I do not know how to say this, without offending people in America, who have been so good to me. I have learned so many things in America, but I found that your culture is too competitive and that that brings a lot of unhappiness to people. Since you are born, you are forced to compare yourself with others. That is not good, and it is useless. Anyway, again, thank yo for sharing.

Thank you, I get that a lot, that I'm mature for my age

And yes, I completely agree with you about America. I agree that yes this American society likes to mold us and force us to feel only one way. Yes, I get unhappy a lot of times because all I want to be is different and it's hard to be.

I also agree about how we really don't know what our friends are truly feeling. I have friends who hide and suppress so much, they become in denial until they final realize that this isn't the happiest of a life they thought I was. But I find that if I talk openly about my feelings first, others follow my lead and start to talk...and I like that I'm able to be so trust worth to people who hide themselves, hide themselves from the world and also their own self.