When i was born, I knew I was different. I heard from relatives that I barely cried, which I found hard to believe because every baby cries when they're an infant and if they don't then they are very obedient, I guess. However, I doubt that story and I feel like the real reason was that people did not care about me so therefore they ignored my cries. Who knows? Maybe i'm just thinking too much.
Incompatible, it don't matter, though, cuhs someone's bound to hear my cry... well nobody ever heard my cry. Even when I'm sad, no one cares. nobody does. When I tell one of our history teachers how I felt she just looked me all shocked and just turned back to what she was doing. yeah, very thoughtful.
In pre-school, there were often complaints about me "misbehaving" because I often urinated in my pants and the teachers would get mad. I wonder why they were so lenient with the other kids. I guess they were potty trained or something. Well i wasn't.
Once I entered kindergarten, I was accused of stealing crayons from the classroom and my teacher sent me out to the principal's office. I don't know if she ever called me a thief, but that's how it seemed. I insisted that others had put stuff in my backpack but she didn't believe me. It was like she wanted to get me in trouble.
Then first grade came. This teacher was initially nice but on the first day of school I talked a lot and she was like If you keep misbehaving, then you will not get to be the leader of the class, which meant that the person that's in front gets to lead the class down the hall. I was picked without my knowing it beforehand. Sometimes she would get mad at my former friend and she had made him cry. She once just pinched my ears and I was just being my passive self. I was very young.
Second grade came and a lot of misunderstanding arose. some of the kids snitched on me by saying that I was making fun of them when all I was doing was trying to rhyme their names with made-up words. They did not believe me and they thought I was doing it on purpose. Well I wasn't. I was hated for that reason.
There's a lot more to be told but I guess I should end here for now.

[bharani1008]

Childhood can be very rough for some people. If you are different in any way other kids can be mean to you. If the adults around you don't help then you have to just hope to grow up and be strong. I think that it's often the case that it's not so much that the adult doesn't care as much as they don't know what to do. Also teachers are under educated and way overworked.
So-- you know that you were emotionally abused. It's very painful to have those memories. But what can you do about it? I know very well how hard it is not to think about all the bad things. Thoughts seem to have their own life and we are helpless. I see you post here a lot so I'm sure you already see a professional and get help so I won't be redundant.
Try an experiment. Try to imagine what it would feel like to forget all the bad things. How would it feel to be happy. Everyone has the experience of happiness in them. Otherwise how would we know what is missing in our life. Try to imagine being happy for just a few minutes. Kind of take a vacation from the negative by giving attention to something positive. You can't change the past and you have every right to be upset about it. But you are letting those people make you suffer all over again by remembering. I know how hard this is. I've been working on it for years but it does help. The good feelings begin to build up until they are greater than the bad feelings.
I hope you feel better soon

[allimsaying]

I get the sense you're someone who needs, or wants to talk a lot. I dont really see a problem with that except that some people dont feel the same need. Its unlucky for you that it sounds like no one in your upbringing knew how to encourage or accept you for how you feel. Unfortunately, that does happen. You should stop looking to why people treat you like they do. You cant explain what everyone does or thinks, at best, you can only understand yourself. Look inside yourself and examine your motivations. Are they good and true? Is there something you needed to be filled and it still is unfilled? What is it? Is it a feeling of acceptance, or worth? Are you looking for others to validate you? It isnt necessary that others validate you to feel like you're a decent person but having that positive feedback is encouragement. You can encourage yourself if you know truthfully that who you are and what your intentions are, are positive things, for yourself and others. Ive heard you that you feel misunderstood and mistreated by others but I havent yet heard you say you want revenge. Thats a good thing. They say the sweetest revenge is living a good life and I believe that 100%.

Originally Posted by allimsaying

I get the sense you're someone who needs, or wants to talk a lot. I dont really see a problem with that except that some people dont feel the same need. Its unlucky for you that it sounds like no one in your upbringing knew how to encourage or accept you for how you feel. Unfortunately, that does happen. You should stop looking to why people treat you like they do. You cant explain what everyone does or thinks, at best, you can only understand yourself. Look inside yourself and examine your motivations. Are they good and true? Is there something you needed to be filled and it still is unfilled? What is it? Is it a feeling of acceptance, or worth? Are you looking for others to validate you? It isnt necessary that others validate you to feel like you're a decent person but having that positive feedback is encouragement. You can encourage yourself if you know truthfully that who you are and what your intentions are, are positive things, for yourself and others. Ive heard you that you feel misunderstood and mistreated by others but I havent yet heard you say you want revenge. Thats a good thing. They say the sweetest revenge is living a good life and I believe that 100%.

You have not heard of revenge. Well let me tell you. I have wanted to take revenge, but something always keeps me from taking action. There's always something that keeps me from doing that. I tell myself that since everyone else did not suffer the consequences of mistreating me then I guess it's okay for me to do the same, but it's different with me. Mother nature expects me to be better and if I don't meet up with her standards, she'll chastise me. sometimes nature seems to communicate the fact that I should not complain and be content but how can you be content if you are being mistreated?

kind of like you're stranded on an island or something. You're crying out for help and everyone else is in their home listening but not doing anything. Everyone cares for themselves. it also has to do with that one quote that oscar wilde stated no good deed goes unpunished. You do a good deed and sometimes people might not appreciate so instead of helping you they let you figure out what you want to do.

Why don't people like anyone who's unique and original? Do they really think that I should be like everyone else? Why is it that in history people who are different often seem to be the odd man out? They don't get rewarded for that. Instead, they get hated.

my fourth grade year wasn't all that great, either. I knew most of the people in my class and I was very excited. I even had a semi-rival, semi-friend there. When he first saw me, he was smiling. I did not really like him initially because in third grade he bullied me with a bunch of other people. i hated that. But we became friends but as soon as i moved to a new high school we began to drift apart. We hardly saw each other and if we did it was only in the summer and when holidays took place. This year when I went back to visit at our usual hangout, he did not appear. I called him twice and he did not pick up the phone. He probably had forgotten my number and had moved on since then. Well time moves on and friends grow apart.
My teacher yelled at me most of the time simply because I was acting like a fourth grader, and being my foolish self, I always made some really stupid remarks. people were offended. I wasn't. In fact, I found them quite funny. This one guy kept telling me to shut up and I would just talk back to him. he was probably on drugs or something. nah, he was sick all year long and so was i, after that beach incident where we got all wet and we forgot to bring an extra change of clothes.

[allimsaying]

I think you're doing a lot of generalizing when you say 'everyone'. Everyone is not as you described. Only the people you're paying attention to. Why are you giving so much time and attention to this particular group of people? Why are you giving them all your power to either accept or dislike you and then allowing thier definition of you to become your self definition? Why are they so God like in your vision?

Unique and different is good, its just that, not 'everyone' can appreciate it. Stick to those who do and you'll be alright.

Originally Posted by allimsaying

I think you're doing a lot of generalizing when you say 'everyone'. Everyone is not as you described. Only the people you're paying attention to. Why are you giving so much time and attention to this particular group of people? Why are you giving them all your power to either accept or dislike you and then allowing thier definition of you to become your self definition? Why are they so God like in your vision?

Unique and different is good, its just that, not 'everyone' can appreciate it. Stick to those who do and you'll be alright.

Maybe it has to do with my choice of words. I use everyone when i mean some. I mean, when I type I don't want to go back and fix my errors so sometimes it can send the wrong message to people.

Originally Posted by allimsaying

I think you're doing a lot of generalizing when you say 'everyone'. Everyone is not as you described. Only the people you're paying attention to. Why are you giving so much time and attention to this particular group of people? Why are you giving them all your power to either accept or dislike you and then allowing thier definition of you to become your self definition? Why are they so God like in your vision?

Unique and different is good, its just that, not 'everyone' can appreciate it. Stick to those who do and you'll be alright.

I am not focusing on them. I've moved on. It's just that there are a lot of things that keep troubling me. Like when things pop up in my head I feel like i have to go on this site and vent, express all my feelings and thoughts so that it would not have to be there forever. I've been hurt a lot and so has everyone on this site. I believe that if one needs to vent, just post away online or type it on a blank document. There's no need to fill your mind with junk you don't need.

Yeah they bullied me and I was defenseless and that gets me mad because they had sidekicks to be telling them that they were cool and that they were worthy and I wasn't. Even my friends just stood there and did nothing. See why that upsets me? Everyone has somebody, I've got none. I dread the rest of my life being alone. I have feelings for men and I don't want that. You see, it's like I'm a train wreck. First, I go from happy and then to sad and then that.

One girl told me that if God gave a **** about you, you would not be like htis. Yeah, that girl had plenty of friends. I didn't really have any. You see, I feel like she was more blessed than I. sometimes when things don't go the way I expect it, I just become disappointed and I wonder why do I have to be suffering? I did nothing wrong. Even if I did, why do I have to suffer? others commit crimes and they still have someone to like them? If I did any of those things or chose a different path, others wouldn't care. they would be like,"Oh."

[allimsaying]

I understand. Ive done that myself. Mindfully, you're saying everyone and your mind is hearing everyone and whoever youre talking to is hearing everyone. That could be why people automatically disagree with or try to counter your point of view. Its more true to say some people and if you want to be understood and heard accurately, speak as accurately as youre able. This sounds like a reprimand but it isnt. I mean it in the best way. Clear communication is relevant.

To be very honest with you, i want some of the people who have hurt me, even if they are teenagers, to be dead today and I want revenge if I can get it. I want them to suffer just as much as I did, they all have friends now, they don't suffer the consequences of bullying me, God praises them, and everything. I want them to know that all those years I have cried many times and many nights. I had to see a therapist at one point. She told me that if I did not have any friends now I would have a hard time later in life. That statement always distressed me and for years I have struggled to keep longlasting friendships. They come and go. like the one when i first met when I moved to a new city. I thought people would be friendlier. Turns out everywhere you go you meet jerks. I'm never the one that people praises or cheers for. Instead, I'm the one that makes people fall silent when they hear my name.

[allimsaying]

Everything youve described tells me what kind of people you attract for some reason. Some people attract bullies. Do you want to change your self to avoid them? Maybe they think they ought to take you down cause you're some kind of threat to them? Since they havent destroyed you yet they might fear you're stronger than they are. In my opinion, that you've resisted revenge, you are stronger than them. They perpetuate hurt, you havent. You broke the cycle and didnt return it. Now you're suffering with being a gentler person and wondering when you get to come up for air? The answer is now, as soon as you want to. You need to get the monkey of "them" off your back. Then you're free.

Originally Posted by allimsaying

Everything youve described tells me what kind of people you attract for some reason. Some people attract bullies. Do you want to change your self to avoid them? Maybe they think they ought to take you down cause you're some kind of threat to them? Since they havent destroyed you yet they might fear you're stronger than they are. In my opinion, that you've resisted revenge, you are stronger than them. They perpetuate hurt, you havent. You broke the cycle and didnt return it. Now you're suffering with being a gentler person and wondering when you get to come up for air? The answer is now, as soon as you want to. You need to get the monkey of "them" off your back. Then you're free.

I need to get rid of all the pain from the past.
I'm still afflicted with all of that. when I'm alone, I wander into sad mode and then I return to those toxic thoughts. Then a few minutes later, I start crying all over again.

when i was in fifth grade, I wasn't always a nice person. i did not like the class. I did not like the teacher to begin with. I hated him because of the reputation he carried around the school. People were saying that he was a bad teacher and he was since he only taught spelling and math problems. He did not focus on science or history as much. So I wanted to get transferred out and as a result I told the principal that I needed to get out. He would not let me. As a result, I decided not to come to school. Then when I returned I confessed that I had been absent because I wanted to be transferred. He asked me you think that this would work for you? then I don't remember exactly what happened after that. He did not transfer. I made several more attempts to get out. then I think things got back to my teacher because his mother was working in the main office and she probably overheard some things. I don't know. I don't think she's that noisy but anyway, back to where we were. It did not work and he began to mistreat me. But I was also asking for it too because I was behaving very badly, I made others cry, I got others mad, and I was doing it either because I did not like any of them or because I felt that I could have been in a better class where most of my former friends were. I was the only one with a few other acquaintances but I did not know who the rest were. I got to know them and oh boy their mannerism is so different from that of us americans. I prided on being american when I was younger because although they were my ethnicity, they were not (my race) american. I did not treat them with respect, I hated them. I thought that they were not my caliber so I just felt that I should not have been in that class. Even though i feel that those were the reasons, I feel like they were reasons to get me out of that class so that i could be with my friends. I enjoyed their funniness and all but i did not like it because i was not learning anything and i had to translate sometimes. i hated doing that and i prefer other languages to my own because I'm ashamed of my culture and because my culture used to be hated by people. That made me feel like I have to be all american, everything must be american. Yet ironically, I don't type like an american right now, haha.

[allimsaying]

I didnt mean like it was magic to get over it. Im sorry so many things happened to you that led you to believe youre inferior.

I am always paranoid, like if things go wrong i will blame it on someone else. I will say that someone else is cursing me out there. It had to be, i would tell myself, because if it isn't then why can't I get these memories out of my head. If this is not the case, then it's me, or it could be you reap what you sow. All those years I've sown hatred, I'm now getting hatred back. I don't think I really understand teh concept very well, but what goes around, comes around. Some don't experience the consequences right away but I do.

[allimsaying]

For sure depression can feel like a curse from 'somewhere'. Its not though. Theres a lot of reasons for it. For some, for me, it was environmentally influenced. I had a 'normal' life before depression. Do you remember what you'd call 'normal'? I mean, when life felt good?

Originally Posted by allimsaying

For sure depression can feel like a curse from 'somewhere'. Its not though. Theres a lot of reasons for it. For some, for me, it was environmentally influenced. I had a 'normal' life before depression. Do you remember what you'd call 'normal'? I mean, when life felt good?

No, not really. What? I felt like all this anger and all this inability to forgive, I was thinking is there a spirit around me influencing me or is it just in my head or am i allowing myself to think these thoughts or is someone else interceding on my behalf or if someone else is casting curses against me because of all the mean things that I have done to them... that's how i really feel. when people are jerks to me at school, i feel like someone cursed me. it had to be. it can't be me, i didn't do anything.

you must think i'm out of my head.

so back to fifth grade. I was sort of a troublemaker, a enemy-maker, because I said a lot of offensive things to people. I got into arguments with those kids. eventually one of the girls in my class decided to sneak my glasses away from me when i wasn't in class and hid it somewhere else. she had two other accomplices. my teacher did not believe that one of the girls would do a thing like that, and that girl was the one that i hated the most. when i looked at her, she would glare at me. i was nice to her initially but then somehow we got on each other's nerves. that's how it started with most of my classmates. The more they got to know me, the more i exposed my other side to them, which wasn't a very kind, nice side of myself. I was trying to be myself in that i acted goofy and sounded like a total fool. that's what my teacher said all the time. You... acting like a fool! He yelled at me a couple of times and said he didn't care when one of the girls pitied me. He was like,"Too bad." Then he resumed teaching. I was mad. I wanted to plot my revenge.

[allimsaying]

Have you heard of 'mirroring'? Its when we get wrapped in our own thoughts and we believe others are thinking certain things about us and we believe it so much that we mentally and physically prepare for whatever response we believe is coming our way. Some people expect to be attacked so they carry weapons. What is happening is that the belief that they will be attacked is controlling thier concious actions. They are so involved with preparing for what they believe is coming, sooner or later, that they never have time to drink a glass of tea in the sun or dance to a song, or play with thier cats. Its like theyre obsessed and they create thier own version of reality based on a belief that hasnt been proven. Sometimes these same people will instigate the 'inevitable' because they exhaust themselves mentally and physically for an attack that hasnt come yet. Maybe 'mirroring' is the wrong term so dont quote me but I used it describe the process of one person imagining what another person is thinking and the second person 'mirroring' back what they are thinking with cues, vibes, and body language. Nothing really needs to be said between them.

You cant know what others are thinking but, if they are thinking what youre thinking, it doenst make it easier to make friends. You are thinking about how they dont like you, wont like you, cant like you, shouldnt like you and they are responding with actions that say we dont like you if you dont like us.

One of you has to stop thinking what youre thinking and start thinking something else. You cant control what they think, you can only control what you think.

As a result of my depression and constant loneliness i began to look up pictures of people on google search. I saw nude photos of celebrities and stuff like that. but that wasn't how i had planned it. I mean, it feel like i had nothing to do and i was bored. my teacher kept talking about a singer named selena who he loved to listen to and that he had all her albums and stuff like that. then i began to search her on google without any purpose in mind and then i happened to stumble upon some nude photos of another woman whom i thought was her but turned out it was not. it was weird. i did not know why i did that. I hope i did not freak you out. i was in 5th grade and I was pretty sexual at a very young age simply because I was exposed to some nude scene on television at the age of 5. that has turned me into someone who stops and looks at nudity when i see it, even on television.

what a shameful thing to do!

[allimsaying]

Sorry, didnt mean to interrupt. I didnt see you had continued past already. Im quiet now.

then when i was in 6th grade i had this mean white teacher who made me feel inferior. he wasn't racist or anything but when i got in trouble, i was the one who got called out on. sometimes other girls of my race would pick on me and they were more lenient in being punished. I wasn't. I was mostly sent to my counselor's office and to the dean's occasionally.
that same year I was sent to a youth center where I got to meet some new students and some I already knew. I was there every day. While I was there, I found a book on one of the desks. I did not know that it was about gay men who felt unloved and had problems with women and stuff. I think that's when I realized that I might be gay or something. I wasn't mistreating those girls for no reason. There was a reason. sometimes I was the instigator, others it was them. So yeah. I read about the men who felt like they were not loved and everything and from that moment on, my life changed. I had feelings for men. I called some boys pretty. Some people were like get lost, gay guy.

Originally Posted by allimsaying

Sorry, didnt mean to interrupt. I didnt see you had continued past already. Im quiet now.

why? I'm sorry. I just wanted to know if there's anything else there could be done.