[allmotorfa5]

This is my last resort besides actually going to the hospital and getting checked. I have too much pride to go, which I am not sure why I feel that way but I do.

I honestly don't know where to start. I wake up every day pretty mad about everything. Any little thing bothers me and I can't handle things as good as I used to. Any type of pressure makes me angry. Things that I used to enjoy like basketball, racing cars kind of dies out fast. I lack the urge to do any of it. When I do find something I like to do, it usually lasts a couple weeks then I don't care about that either. I've been married for 7 years, my wife adores me. I treat her like crap sometimes. Not abusive in any form, but I do feel I am disconnected with her and that bothers me a lot. I do love her but recently as I feel I have gotten worse it seems like I don't even care about her feelings etc. It has become almost like she is a bother to me, which is pretty darn sad. I recently had my first child, a great baby boy. I adore him and can honestly say I do feel happy when I am with him. I just wish I was even more attached to him. I always thought when I had a child that it would give me purpose and while I say that it does the truth is I don't feel that. I go about work like any other day nothing really matters to me anymore.

I've made very good money with work. I used to own a business, but it went sour after I was scammed for a lot of money. I ended up partnering up with a great guy, who honestly I think has my best interest at hand but sometimes I feel like I am just being used. I'm one of the best at what I do, well, I think I used to be not so sure about now. I've been offered jobs at companies I dreamed about when I first started in this business but I turned them down recently too since I wanted to be loyal to the guys I have working for us here. I am the business here and I know without me it just falls to the ground and I don't want that to happen. Customers are always complaining about the dumbest things, which to me are dumb but I think maybe they have a point. I can't simply find the energy or patience in me to get over that hump anymore and step it up. I used to want success and money more than anything in the world and now even that doesn't motivate me. If I had to pick something that bothers me the most its unappreciated. I feel like I have given my all and some to help my family, my friends and people who I don't even know and everyone has gotten ahead except me. I'm able to pay my bills every month but sometimes I don't even want to. I'm sure I am not the only one that feels like that. I get angry when I see people take vacations and days off and they don't have a care in the world and meanwhile I can't because then we don't make money for our payroll or bills and stuff. I guess I'm a bit jealous of that. I'm tired of seeing everyone else get ahead off my work. I say that, but I know that without them I wouldn't of got this far either. Is that wrong of me to feel that way?

My son is amazing. The best part of my day is in the morning when he wakes up. He smiles and I take pictures of him to send to some of my family. I tell him its paparazzi time and he lights up my day. Just seems like after that its all downhill. I don't sleep much anymore, although I want to. Even when I can though its usually a 5-6 hour thing or less and I'm awake thinking of everything I have to do. I think Work might of ruined me mentally. Physically besides some stomach aches here and there I am perfectly fine. I'm going to be 32 and I still compete in the sports I play with people a lot younger than me. Sometimes I can't do the things as easy as I used to, that bothers me some but I get over it quick.

I'm down to this. Typing what I feel in hopes that I can maybe release some of this tension, stress, anger and whatever else I am feeling before I go to a hospital and check myself in. If I did that, essentially my family would lose everything. I know my wife can't afford all these things on her own. I can't do taht to my family, but I also know I am unable to keep up with my own happiness. Anything that makes me happy lasts a little bit. ITs like a temporary high.

Any input or ideas would be ever so appreciated.

[justmemaybe]

sorry things are so hard now. Do you see someone? for help. Maybe going in the hospital for a bit isn't a bad thing.
At last see someone , also talk to your wife too. Also keep writing it down.
best wishes for you

[Bluegerbera1]

Hi and welcome

Your story sounds much like mine. I had the same angry feelings and lost interesting almost everything. I also have a great family - lovely partner and brilliant kids but I was disconnected to them. I worked hard all the time but it was getting me down too. I teach and I was finding that the kids and other staff were bothering me all the time. That's not me.

In feb I caught a bad flu and was forced to bed for 2 weeks. I'm rarely ill so this was the first time in a long time that I sat still for any length of time. When I wasn't recovering I went to my doc who suggested that there were maybe some other things going on and it took till the next visit for me to really hear what she said. I was depressed. Majorly. And had been for some time.

I've been off work ever since and am trying out various treatments. It's taking a while but I'm starting to see a glimmer of hope that I'll get there. I've also started taking to my family. I mean about feelings and stuff. I'm not good at that so it's baby steps but it feels good when I manage a little.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that my doc suggested that my flu probably did me a favour. It forced me to take time off and I'm now dealing with underlying issues. Can you take time out? If not completely then can you block off some time each day/week and devote it to examining what might be your underlying feelings? Can you talk to your wife or a friend or family member? Can you face going to a doctor? I know it's daunting but if you want to be healthy then you should talk to someone. You sound like you are depressed and maybe you need treatment. There is lots of help available and while you might not like the idea of some of them there is bound to be something that can help.

Please feel free to message me if you want to chat. This forum has been a real benefit to me and I hope you get something out of it. Take care of yourself.

C

[adam_k]

Have you considered therapy? I find it helps with my depression and sometimes she asks questions that are insightful and make me re-evaluate my thoughts or beliefs. To me it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Anger is common outlet for depression, especial for men. Medications help some people and I have tried some and they help. It is difficult to find the right one and the correct dosage. Therapy can help you challenge some of your thoughts or beliefs that may feed into your depression.

I've checked myself into a hospital before and it is more about personal safety then healing from my experience. If you are having suicidal thoughts or a serious urge then you should do whatever you have to be safe. Being in a hospital for a few weeks is a lot less tramatizing to a family than a suicide attempt or worse completion. I hope you find some help and relief from how you feel, it is out there.

[allmotorfa5]

Got into a big fight with my wife last night. I had some things I was keeping from her about the past and she made me so angry I just went and told her. She then proceeded to go back as forth with me. While I do feel bad, she's my wife I don't feel sad or mad or anything else. I've grown to understand that I am emotionless lately.

I drove for awhile to nowhere and just relaxed in my car. I headed towards where I used to live but the thought of not seeing my son was ripping me apart. My son is about to turn 3 months.

I'm very confused and emotionless

[Idiot17]

I'm not one that has any advice, but sending positive thoughts your way. (((((hugs)))))

[A Red Panda]

*hugs* Have you told your wife how you've been feeling lately? I would try telling her.

[davmid]

Originally Posted by allmotorfa5

I'm very confused and emotionless

Your story is so similar to mine. I went about my day to day life being very good at what I was doing, making sure all the workers were taken care of, loving my kids, socializing, etc. But over time it all started to feel pointless and my emotions became lost to me. Nothing seemed to matter and the ings that once gave me joy no longer did. I didn't know what was happening and I started pushing everyone away. Stopped talking to my friends and, worst of all, my wife.

She tried to make things work and I would, too for short periods of time. Then I would start feeling unworthy and lost and start avoiding her- for long periods of time, causing her to suffer greatly. I didn't figure out what was happening to me until it was too late... I lost my wife and my family was broken. I pushed away my friends and my sisters. On and on...

Please take my advice and seek help! Talk to your wife. Tell your doctor what's happening and talk to a therapist. There is good help available and utilizing it can help you to understand what's happening to you and get you healthy again.

Take Care and best of luck.

[allmotorfa5]

Going to bite the bullet. Had another long night yesterday filled with rage and then tranquility back to rage. Woke up this morning with a huge headache.

Going to check my insurance and go see a therapist. Is there any sites that kid available therapists in your area?

[davmid]

It's good to hear that you are going to seek help. When I looked for a therapist, I did a web search and put in "Therapist in (My Town)" and variations of that. That got the ball rolling and gave me some people to contact. I then emailed and called several of them and chose one that I thought would be right for me. Also, if you have a doctor, he/ she could likely give you recommendations for a therapist as well. My insurance doesn't cover mental health but I was able to find several therapists that would work on a sliding scale for cash patients making it much more affordable. Where I live, there are a few support groups available that meet each week and they are free. To find them I searched for "Depression Support Group in (My Town)"

Good Luck! You're making the right decision....

[sewerrats]

No point in going to a mental hospital ,what you going to say your pissed off , a couple of days in the mental unit and you will never complain about your life again its a zoo. You dont need meds you never mentioned them, you have had a kick in the balls with work and it knocked you sideways, you have a new baby which changes everything in your life , you love him but you still have to ajust has so does your wife. DONT take it out on her man or you will find yourself on your own. MOST of us carnt go to work with depression an your certainly not in the state we are in .H ave a good look at what you have then read some posts on this forum , it will break your heart.

[happy 2 b here]

Originally Posted by allmotorfa5

Going to bite the bullet. Had another long night yesterday filled with rage and then tranquility back to rage. Woke up this morning with a huge headache.

Going to check my insurance and go see a therapist. Is there any sites that kid available therapists in your area?

So glad you are going to do something for yourself -- there is lots of help these days and you deserve to feel better than you have been -- sometimes being mad and frustrated is almost where you need to be at some point -- and then you can finally understand and realize that you are worth whatever needs to be done to find a solution to your mental health -- and then you are ready to make it work -- go for it -- you, your wife and your little guy are worth the effort.

[allmotorfa5]

Just checking in. Things have been somewhat better but still in a rut. I'm learning to deal with it better and be more appreciative of what I do have. Just seems like the battle is never ending. I wake up and simply wonder what crap am I going to have to deal with today.

I have narrowed it down to work. Work is what is causing all this for me.

[Clara22]

Good to see you! I was wandering about you!