i want an off switch *suicide trigger*

know what i mean? i just want to flip the switch, or unplug, whatever, and go *poof*. but, i dont have the energy to actually DO anything ( repeat, I am NOT going to do anything!).

i just want to be unplugged. i'm worn out and empty.

what really annoys me is the piles of guilt others throw at us. ya know what? i've lived for 10 years fighting HARD to beat depression with meds and therapy. how much longer am I supposed to stay around for other's satsifaction? i had no children for a reason - so i could leave when i wanted. i knew someday i would.

of course i add my own guilt because i know there are SO many people dying right now, clinging to life, and here i am ACHING to die. this blows.

dead girl sinking. grrrr at me.

sorry for the drama. i had to vent.

em

yes, me too.

no words

too hard

too mean

too.................................................

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoo
Fuzzy

PS why even pretend to be "healing"? I thought I KNEW what THAT meant but obviously not

((((emily)))) ((((((Fuzzy))))))))

Hi Emily,
Switching off is not going to resolve anything. It's not an answer. I know 'cause I've made numerous attempts and once while in the state of it becoming a reality-it sunk into me that this is NOT the way to go. I started fighting like hell to stay switched on.
It's not like sleeping-it's more like going to a morgue and looking at cold, hard, pale, lifeless bodies. The reality is so permanent, absolute and devastating.
Please, breathe in-breathe in life and greenery and warmth and love and everything you take for granted that's right there at your feet.
I know it seems so useless and it feels like your heart is a stone sinking to an abyss. I understand that. But I swear to you-it passes- it lifts. Not all at once but little by little so that you don't even know that there's a difference in it's weight.
((((((((Emily))))))))))) It will be okay. I promise. Don't stop trying. You're worth fighting for!

"know what i mean?"

Yes. I do. I hope you can find peace somewhere in the muck.

I know how you feel emily. I have felt the same way, but I end up feeling better with time, and know that you will too. I hate to say "hang in there" because that seems absurdly trite for what you're going through yet ironically when I do that, I pull through ok. In the meantime (imho) don't be so harsh on yourself for feeling the way you do.
Take care (((Emily)))

for your shoulders and for your heart. love, pat

I know that feeling too. Not aways but at times.

Something that has help me is to open a new horizon. Search for something new, seach for something that will grab my interest. Give a chance to a new friendship. Find a reason.

(((((((((Emily))))))))

Yes Emily I do know and feel it more often than I like to admit somedays.

But my hope for you today is that something will lift your spirits whether it is the many people who care about you here or something else. (((((Emily)))))

Switches are good from time to time..... I have learned to use it when I need.... A weekend away from the world (in my room) can do wonders for the week to come.

Take-Care of Yourself and do a little R&R as you want / need.

LoVe,
Rhapsody - ((( )))

emily *hugs*

I understand... Sometimes its so hard, but what if you knew things could change? Would that change the way you feel about hanging in there now? Hope.

Two things: one, you do have an "off" switch... at least to the problems around you.... if you need a break, take one. I know "you" will still be wherever you break away to, but you can get relief from anyone who knows you and from anyone who would judge you...

Two: Whether you have a right to die, or whether YOU think no one would miss you (ala the no kids comment) and whether you think you have no responsibilities to staying... eehhhhhhhhhhhhhh wrong answer, but thank you for playing. You are not on earth to do those things. You must have your priorities wrong. Sorry, that sounds harsh. ...... let me think more here...

You DO know I have been where you are.. well, I CAMP on that road..on top of the cliff, actually...

Whether we live or die has nothing to do with what happened in the past, nor what is happening now... it's all about tomorrow. When we become so depressed we can't hope for tomorrow... and so we live with OUT hope...but we must continue.

Maybe the person who can help you isn't in your life yet. Maybe the person is already trying to help you. Maybe your life isn't about you at all...but another... who needs to help you...or who you will help. We can't know about tomorrow...and, like I said, I know it's difficult to want to live without being able to hope for success tomorrow.

So put off the thinking about it. It only makes us feel worse, to dwell on the decision making process...do I live or die tonight? Decide you will live, and should you happen to die, at least you're ready, I guess. TC!

a trigger is hard and metallic...we are soft and fleshy...i would not eat a melon with a gun. thinking about suicide can get one by...ive done it for a long long time../

I do know what you mean too.

I know we corresponded about a year ½ ago, sadly - that is all I know. I have lost many memories from that time but I am glad I do still remember some names.

So, having said that - I just wanted to say that I understand, and that I really do wish this will pass for you!

((((Emily)))) I know how you feel. You are not alone.

((((((((((((Emily)))))))))))))

Are you ok?

Sorry I didn't write back. Thank you to all for posting your support. You are a very generous bunch!

em

"The Suicide," a poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay, changed my life:

http://www.bartleby.com/131/3.html

Emsky,
I didn't see your thread til now. I don't have any answers or pithy thoughts or even advice. But you sound very tired and run down. Fighting the fight IS tiring. Exhausting. It's a bit like trying to live life with a chronic case of the flu, it can be that debilitating.

I wish I could come and just nurture you and care for your for awhile while you rest. What I can do is keep you in my thoughts and prayers and listen if you want.

((((Emmie))))

gg

You're still in my prayers (((Emily)))

((((( em ))))))

regarding suicide being selfish....i think if those people who love me actually felt what I feel all day long, they would understand. if I were dying a slow painful death by cancer, some might even considering helping me along...but if it's psychic pain - too bad for me? doesn't seem fair.

why do people insist that I should stay here for others? i don't get it. they are saying, "screw you emmy. you can suffer like this for the rest of your life, who cares? your pain is your problem. deal with it. only other people's pain matters. not yours."

i disagree. I feel dead already. I am empty inside. every day is a rainy night.

frig. seems like i want permission, and of course, I know I'm not going to get it.

I was suffering for 35 yrs. before I got the correct diagnosis & treatment so there is HOPE. I did the suicide attempts, too, but I now know that I can have a good quality of life. My mother committed suicide when I was 15 & I was actually relieved that she was out of her misery & pain. She wasn't able to be helped, but today I think with the new medications & treatments she would have been able to get relief. So I understand your thoughts from both perspectives.