[Grey Matter]

I have completely fallen into a depressive episode. I hate this, I. Hate. This. I had a bad episode a few months ago. I landed in the ER and with a med increase. And it worked for a while. I got myself onto a schedule. My obsessive compulsions calmed down. I started eating better and working out every day and I felt good. I socialized to the best of my ability.

But it's all gone again. I have been locked in my room. I have been too scared to leave, to talk. It feels like I have been hollowed out. My bones hurt, my head hurts. I just want to keep sleeping. I started cutting again and it's gotten bad. And I can't run to anyone. I am a burden to everyone. My family has enough stress. They don't need another broken kid coming to them. I am in this alone. As I always am. Alone.

I am so scared. I don't want to do this again. For once, I just want peace. I want the world and it's inhabitants and my existence to make sense for once. I feel like it can never last long. I am too terrible of a person to deserve that kind of happiness. I feel so sick and so alone.

[Rifle]

Trust me your never alone, there's always someone out there. Give your self a pat on the back for doing well for that time. Also maybe you should see a therapist, you could a hotline, and vent get those feelings out. I know you feel, you want it to be over, I think I'm kinda depressed a little but I have my phases. So it's confusing but hang in there. You really have to take one day at a time. Good luck, god bless.

[pegasus]

Hello Teen Idle,

I have been reading some of your posts and you have been through so much. A lot of your feelings are to do with your brother's death I feel. I know this will sound corny but what would your brother wish for you right now? He'd want you to be well and happy. Please look into getting some counselling for your loss. It's a massive emotional thing in trying to deal with this on your own. You need a shoulder to cry on, you need to talk it out and let someone be there for you as you talk this through.

We are all here for you too.

[Grey Matter]

Thank you both so much. I just feel so scared and alone and broken.

Pegasus; I am currently seeing a T, but we are really... well, it's not working. I am on medicaid and I don't have much choice. My old T was amazing. This one tells me "It's time to move on" "it's time to get over it. And I just can't. I wish I could. But I cant.

Thank you so much.
*hugs*

[pegasus]

Ah! It's not something you can just get over. Shame on them for saying such a thing! You're not alone with us here.

[gayleggg]

Teen Idle, hang on. Keep on going one day at a time. Sorry about your brother and know it takes time to get past the grief. I know it seems like it will never get better but it will if you just hang in there. I wish your counselor would realize some take longer to move on and that's okay and not push you to move on before you are ready. I hope the depression lifts soon. I suffer from it too and understand how alone it can make you feel.
Gayle

[FeelingOpaque]

This is something I found on Tumblr that seems a good way from moving past the urge to cut in the moment, I have used it once or twice and it works.

Okay this might seem silly but I want you to read this and then follow these steps. It’s just a coping strategy that helps me when I’m triggered

Take 3 huge deep breaths
Look around the room
Notice 3 different colors. Focus on each color individually and notice details on the objects.
Take 3 more deep breaths
Now close your eyes
Focus on your hearing
Notice 3 different things you can hear. Maybe you hear the air conditioning or the buzz of your computer. Maybe you hear the tv in the other room. It can be the faint ringing you hear when it’s silent. Anyways. Just acknowledge these things. You don’t have to do anything about them, just notice that they’re there
Take 3 more deep breaths
Keep your eyes closed
I want you to notice things you can feel. Maybe you feel the scratch of your clothing against your skin. Maybe you feel a cool draft or the warmth radiating from your computer. Maybe you feel the carpet beneath your toes. Just those mundane sensations that we don’t usually acknowledge. Notice them. Feel them.
Now take 3 more huge long deep breaths
Let it out
Open your eyes

The Science of Seduction, I decided to go a week without self-harming, to prove to myself that I could. I’m really triggered right now and don’t want to go the whole week anymore.

[AV747]

You need to come up with something that makes you feel better. Sometimes it helps to normal talk, a visit to a therapist, you can also write a diary. You urgently need to tell you all my thoughts and experiences! This should help!

[Grey Matter]

Thank you all. You are all so kind.

gayleggg, I'll try.
Feelingopaque, I'll give that list a go.

AV747, I try. I really do. But I am just running on fumes at the moment. My therapist doesn't help. If I tell a family member how I am feeling, they tell me how much worse they have it. I internalize everything. I only cry when alone. I can't talk about it outloud, my body doesn't let me. It's broken.

[FeelingOpaque]

I'd also like to say that we cut because we don't know how to deal with our emotions and thoughts so we release the tension using the blade. It is an addiction, and like every other road to recovery we may relapse and indulge in it, and it's okay. Keep on working on yourself and on your emotions and you'll start to find more constructive ways to release your stress, anger, shame, hate. Don't beat yourself up over it, it's the only way you know how to express emotions at the moment, but you'll learn other ways that won't make you feel so bad.

[Grey Matter]

^^^
This. All of that. I never knew how to handle emotions, and well. This was a way to find control and release and calm for me from a young age. It's not as easy as stopping. I feel guilty for enjoying it right now. But it will pass. It will pass.