[neutrino]

Hey,

Lately I've been struggling a lot with feelings of self-hatred. I'm guessing that's because of my depression and my anxiety. I feel insufficient, like I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm a burden all the time and that I'm worthless. In my eyes I'm a failure if I don't accomplish what I want and need to accomplish. I'm a pathological perfectionist. It's tough and I wish I could explain it better than what I've been doing in this post but I don't really know where to start. Anyway, I've felt like this for a long time but it's definitely gotten worse over the past year or so. It's been really bad for a few months.

Even though I'm quite happy with who I am, my interests and my personality, I'm pretty sure I hate myself.

Not sure what kind of response I'm looking for here. Having a bad night and I guess I just needed to vent a little.

Thanks for reading,

neutrino

[Truthseeker14]

Yeah, perfectionism is what I believe contributed most to my own initial depression.

It's good that you still find happiness in who you are and what you do, very very good! Just keep being open about how you're feeling. Keeping it all in is never a good thing.

I too am a perfectionist....

And I read the title of your post as "Snuggling with self-hatred"......And I thought..how appropriate for me.

[Frankbtl]

Hi neutrino, is there a chance that if you don't accomplish some of the things you "want and need to" accomplish you can take another shot at them at another time? If so for those tasks how can you have failed?? You just haven't got there yet, that's all!! They're still there, they're still there to accomplish, when you're ready.
As for other things then maybe have a think about whether they're really worth putting your whole sense of value on. I'd say someone's real value can often be far more than than a handful of accomplishments.
Although having said that I get the feeling that you're underestimating your true achievements, your true qualities. And even things that seem relatively "minor" that you are/do/say can mean so much to someone else or can signify real purpose in your life if you give yourself the opportunity to see that.
But you're looking to be something more?? well it's OK to have (realistic) goals but why should that have to dismiss the "Even though I'm quite happy with who I am, my interests and my personality"?? I'd say you should really hold onto that, sure add bits you feel comfortable/happy with along the way but just don't lose that bit.
The most important thing is that you can feel comfortable/happy with who you are. Doesn't matter about "should"'s, "should have done"'s so much it's who you are that really matters.
Although I think you're right in that the depression/anxiety may be distorting things for you. And not only distorting things but "putting the brakes on" a bit, on you achieving all you could.
Are you getting any help with this?? Are you getting enough help with this?? Maybe it's worth trying to separate it a bit from YOU?? And try to remember/remind yourself that you ARE good enough!!!
Here if you want to talk about it some more................
Alison

[neutrino]

The level of perfectionism I experience (probably part of both my OCD and GAD) is devastating. The weird thing is that even though I know that I just can't let it go. I'm so tired all the time and I feel like I'm never good enough. Most of my perfectionism (and OCD in general I guess) has to do with my studies. Anyway, always feeling insufficient really doesn't help with the depression. I feel worthless a lot of the time.

I'm not getting any help with it (or any of the other things) at the moment since I'm T-less right now (hopefully getting a new therapist soon). It's difficult. Don't really know what to do.

[Frankbtl]

Hi neutrino, it is really good that you have started differentiating what might be your OCD and GAD, and what you should be able to "reasonably" expect/want from yourself. That can take a lot of insight!! But as you said it can be much easier said than done, letting it go when it can be so controlling.
So it is excellent that you're taking the step in wanting help from a T. It's sounding like the just "waiting" is feeling almost endless to you right now, but in the between/waiting do you think you could hook up with a online counselor? Naturally be very, very choosey if you do that......good credentials and everything, you know!!! But perhaps it could fill a gap?
And maybe your doctor could help you out (more?)? Especially with the depression and anxiety but some medications cross over into the symptoms of OCD as well.
Alison

[Altered Moment]

I was mentioning some of those feelings to my pdoc the other day. Feeling like a burden, a big lazy slug, worthless and so on. He told me straight up that those are things meds can't fix and you need a T for them.

Hi Neutrino: Well, as a world-class self-hater myself, I salute you! Yes, it's very hard to accomplish much of anything when you feel like a piece of dog poo. Did you know that you can't even use dog poo to fertilize vegetables? It has bacteria that can be transferred to the veges & that can infect humans... yuk!

I do hope that you get that new T you mentioned. This person should be able to help you stop being so hard on yourself. Anyway, no great pearls of wisdom here. I ust wanted to say hello from one self-hater to another.

[marmaduke]

I used to self hate. Now I don't.
Instead I hate the person who made me like this. The hate is now where it belongs.
You are enough, you are always enough.

[neutrino]

Thanks for the replies, people. I have no idea when and why I started to feel this way but I remember hating myself in one way or another ever since I was 15 or something. I think it might have started when I was bullied (age 12-15) but my perfectionism started before that I think. It's the perfectionism that make me feel like I'm never good enough and it's something else that makes me hate myself. At least that's what I think.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

So it is excellent that you're taking the step in wanting help from a T. It's sounding like the just "waiting" is feeling almost endless to you right now, but in the between/waiting do you think you could hook up with a online counselor?

Waiting is pretty awful. I feel like I'm going through all of this by myself and that no one really gets it (I've never felt understood by the way. Not in my entire existence and it has created some kind of constant frustration that never goes away). I don't think I want to talk to some kind of online counselor (not even sure if that's possible in my country). Even though I'm an introvert with social anxiety disorder I very much prefer talking to a therapist face-to-face.

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

And maybe your doctor could help you out (more?)? Especially with the depression and anxiety but some medications cross over into the symptoms of OCD as well.

How could a doctor help me out more? By prescribing medication you mean? I'm scared of medication so I'm not taking any medication regularly. The only medication I've agreed to try is beta blockers, which I'm supposed to take about an hour before presenting things in front of people at university. They're not working so far. I'll try three pills instead of two next time (which is on Monday and Wednesday by the way and I feel like I'm going to die).

Originally Posted by zinco14532323

I was mentioning some of those feelings to my pdoc the other day. Feeling like a burden, a big lazy slug, worthless and so on. He told me straight up that those are things meds can't fix and you need a T for them.

Yeah. I'm not on any medication. Has therapy helped you with those feelings?