Where has my life gone??

tokiwartooth · Jul 30, 2013, 02:15 PM

I have been so depressed lately, and I keep thinking to myself, where has my life gone? I had 30 years to accomplish something, what have I done? Seriously, where am I headed? There are so many things I wish I could do over. I wish I could redo my life, at least from the time I graduated high school. It depresses me so much to think of all the things that could've happened. Instead I had a breakdown in 2001 and had to leave FSU, worked until 2002 when I started at a community college, and tried to make up my mind what to do. Why did I take so long to figure out what I wanted to do? I got my associate's and started on my bachelor's still not sure of my path. So I choose one that I love, eventually, and I graduate when the economy tanks. I think grad school will be a good answer, so I try that. I have another breakdown and have to leave. I go through job after job from 2010 to 2012. I was thinking it was the jobs that were making me unhappy, and at the slightest bad day, I would quit. But it wasn't the jobs, it was me. It took me from 2010 to last October to find a job in my field. I still feel useless. So I analyze your drinking water for you, I analyze what's coming in and going out of the poop plant I work at. Is this even meaningful? I certainly am not going to quit, I like my job, but I am unhappy with myself. I still don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I make sure the local water is safe to drink and play in. I make sure our effluent is safe. I monitor any events that come up. I do outreach for children. But will any of this matter 50 years from now? Will anything I do even make a small impact on anyone? I keep thinking to myself, I've had 30 years and what have I done? I'm not getting any younger. I can see minute wrinkles appearing on my face. I haven't had a relationship in 10 years. I have no kids. I'm fat. I do my job, go home, sleep, and repeat. I have no life. But I don't know what to do about it! I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I think my medication needs to be adjusted. But I can't remember to go to the doctor or to keep an appointment! My appointment was supposed to have been for the 22nd. Did I remember? No. I sleep a lot. I don't exercise except what I get at work. I want to feel cared about by someone other than family members and close friends. I want someone to need me and to love me. I'm still trying to work on a relationship with "him" but I'm not sure where that's headed. That's still up in the air. I feel so utterly useless. I feel like if I were gone, it wouldn't matter. Not that I'd ever do that, I wouldn't, but I feel like I'm contributing nothing to this world. Now I'm trying to live my life and make it fuller when I had 30 years to do that! I'm afraid when my mom eventually passes on, that will be the end of me. We are very close, and she is everything to me, and I'm so afraid that when that time comes, I won't be able to handle it. She had me to cling to when my grandma died. I will have no one. What good am I? I mean really?

Jul 30, 2013, 03:57 PM

The way I see it is that what happened in the past can't be changed. We can deal with how the past shaped the present and that's all we can do about the past. Obsessing over regrets about what happened in the past doesn't help at all... just makes it harder to deal with the present. What happened happened... what we did we did. It may have been the best we could do at the time.
There can always be joy and satisfaction found in life regardless of our circumstances. Nothing helpful and profound is coming to mind right now and I won't waste your time or mine with more banal and trite phrases of encouragement.
Just... life begins... now. What happens now and whether you see it as fulfilling is up to you

It's never going to be perfect for you or me or any of us

Jul 30, 2013, 04:24 PM

George is so-oo-o right about this.

You would be very smart to take it and live each day as a new one and
know that everybody has questions, problems, and difficulties in life and
that we do the best we can do at the time we do it, for the most part.

Cherry73 · Jul 30, 2013, 06:25 PM

I also am almost 40 and have accomplished nothing I had originally set out to do. I graduated college in 2002 with a bachelors degree in psychology with a concentration in biology at the age of 29 and than completely went off the deep end and ended up hospitalized for quite some time. In fact I was in and out of the hospital for the next few years. I eventually became disabled and still have yet to use my degree that I worked so hard to obtain. Now I finally have sorted my life out for the most part. I have a few medical issues that have also attributed to my not working and I have been working to get to a place where it is bearable and try to venture out into the work force again. A few month ago my children and I had to move back in with my parents because I needed the help. Now I am doing everything in my power to get to the place where I can become employed and stable and eventually buy my own home. I want to focus my time and energy on the future because if I dwell on the past nothing will come to fruition and eventually I would end up emotionally paralyzed again. I understand some of your feelings we have a few things in common. My advice forget about what happened in the past because you can't go back and change it and focus on what you want in your life and work toward making that happen. Even if what you are longing forward doesn't happen you will always be able to say you tried and you can be proud of yourself for that. Good luck to you and all your endeavors.

tokiwartooth · Jul 30, 2013, 07:07 PM

Thanks to all 3 of you, I do appreciate your words and advice. Nothing is banal about anything you said George. You're right in saying the past is the past. I just wish I could get over the angst it's causing me wishing I could change things. I don't know how my life would go if I could, maybe it would have been worse, but maybe not. I know it could never happen and I wish it would just leave me alone. As my mom said, I was a late bloomer. I didn't move out of the house until I was 22. I tried to live farther away from my family when I went to grad school in South Carolina, but that didn't end well. I realize that I can't be far away from my family. I can be independent, but I don't have to live far. I had a good long talk with mom this evening and she did help cheer me up, and so did all of you. You're all right about not dwelling on the past. It does no good. I've done it for so long now that I don't know how to envision my future. But I'm going to try. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, and it may seem silly that it comes from the first Harry Potter movie, but it holds true. Dumbledore says to Harry, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

htebsiL radnalaS · Jul 30, 2013, 10:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tokiwartooth

I have been so depressed lately, and I keep thinking to myself, where has my life gone? I had 30 years to accomplish something, what have I done? Seriously, where am I headed? There are so many things I wish I could do over. I wish I could redo my life, at least from the time I graduated high school. It depresses me so much to think of all the things that could've happened. Instead I had a breakdown in 2001 and had to leave FSU, worked until 2002 when I started at a community college, and tried to make up my mind what to do. Why did I take so long to figure out what I wanted to do? Some people never figure it out

I got my associate's and started on my bachelor's still not sure of my path. So I choose one that I love, that's wonderful that you found something you love. again, not everyone does. eventually, and I graduate when the economy tanks.

I think grad school will be a good answer, so I try that. I have another breakdown and have to leave. I go through job after job from 2010 to 2012. I was thinking it was the jobs that were making me unhappy, and at the slightest bad day, I would quit. But it wasn't the jobs, it was me. that says a lot that you were able to self-reflect and be this honest with yourself

It took me from 2010 to last October to find a job in my field. and you found it!

I still feel useless. So I analyze your drinking water for you, I analyze what's coming in and going out of the poop plant I work at. Is this even meaningful? do you think it's meaningful? isn't that why you chose this field? i think it is very meaningful. you keep people and children and their animal companions safe and healthy

I certainly am not going to quit, I like my job, but I am unhappy with myself. I still don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I make sure the local water is safe to drink and play in. I make sure our effluent is safe. I monitor any events that come up.

I do outreach for children. But will any of this matter 50 years from now? I worked with children for many years and I believe that while i may never directly know, i do believe that i made a positive impact in their lives. if nothing else i got assurance that i did influence their lives when i consistently got positive feedback in terms of their wanting to spend time helping me during their recess and afterschool. kids are genuine and they only want to spend time with adults that are supportive and positive in their lives. Will anything I do even make a small impact on anyone? I keep thinking to myself,

I've had 30 years and what have I done? I'm not getting any younger. I can see minute wrinkles appearing on my face. i'm turning 50 in september and understand your angst. it was throwing me into a deep depression. i turned it around with changing my thinking. it wasn't easy. i just had to get fed up enough with the other way i was thinking. my life is not over. when i'm 80 being 50 will feel so young. i also decided to once and for all commit to action things that i want. i want to like my body. so i am physically active. i want to like my life so i finally made a clearing in my home from clutter. and now i can feel peace at home and pride. i have dreams and plans that i am in the process of making real. you have clearly shown that same determination in your efforts and success working in a field you love. what other dreams do you have? maybe now that you've achieved your career goals with this job, maybe you feel some loss. maybe it's time to choose another dream?

I haven't had a relationship in 10 years. I have no kids. I'm fat. I do my job, go home, sleep, and repeat. I have no life. But I don't know what to do about it! I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I think my medication needs to be adjusted. that's a good idea.

But I can't remember to go to the doctor or to keep an appointment! My appointment was supposed to have been for the 22nd. Did I remember? No. I sleep a lot. I don't exercise except what I get at work. do you want to exercise more? can you start out small and hold on to the good feeling you get afterwards? can you take a walk at lunch or after work? even just every other day? i do that. i do some physical activity (prefer to call it that instead of "exercise on one day then give myself a break the next day and then the following day i want to do something again.

I want to feel cared about by someone other than family members and close friends. I want someone to need me and to love me. I'm still trying to work on a relationship with "him" but I'm not sure where that's headed. that's the nature of relationships often times. i am in a similar situation. all i can do is be present today. some people aren't close to family and have few if any close friends. that would be me. you're fortunate to have those relationships.

That's still up in the air. I feel so utterly useless. I feel like if I were gone, it wouldn't matter. Not that I'd ever do that, I wouldn't, but I feel like I'm contributing nothing to this world. Now I'm trying to live my life and make it fuller when I had 30 years to do that! I'm afraid when my mom eventually passes on, that will be the end of me. We are very close, and she is everything to me, and I'm so afraid that when that time comes, I won't be able to handle it. She had me to cling to when my grandma died. I will have no one. What good am I? I mean really? you are close to your mom and you mentioned you have close friends. of course you would be missed! it will be incredibly hard when your mom goes. and you will survive. just as she did when her mom left. you say you will have no one. you will have your other family members and close friends and a job you love. that is a LOT... and life is hard and it isn't fair. and it's all we have... you have a lot in your life. your focus just keeps playing tricks on you making you see what is lacking rather that what IS...

........

tokiwartooth · Jul 31, 2013, 10:57 AM

You have definitely pointed things out in a way I had not thought about them. I guess in many ways I am a lucky one. It could have turned out worse. I could be stuck in a minimum wage job in a city I don't like away from my family and friends. Now I'm just going to keep praying about him.

PeacefulLife · Jul 31, 2013, 02:35 PM

I'm almost 50 and have no spouse, no children, no job, no impressive accomplishments to list. I'm disabled and have a bachelors but it didn't help me to support myself.

Cherry73 · Aug 02, 2013, 12:04 AM

A bachelors doesn't seem to help support you. In also have one and can't Really do anything with it unless I keep going and get a masters. I am scared to do that because what if I get the masters degree and a license and still can't get a job or what if I get a job and physical cant do it. I want to work so bad I can taste it but it doesn't mean my body will cooperate. I hate living in my parents basement with my two kids. I want out as soon as possible. I want to buy a house but with what I get from disability I can't support us on our own. I am at a point where I don't know what to do but what I am doing definitely is short term.

tokiwartooth · Aug 02, 2013, 08:00 AM

Yeah it does seem like nowadays a bachelor's degree doesn't really get you very far. Everyone wants a master's. I could go back and complete mine, but the thought of having to do that makes me sick inside. I don't think I could put myself through that again. I got really lucky to find the job I have, and since it doesn't require a master's I'm sure not going to go get one.

PeacefulLife, I can sympathize. I'm 30 and I haven't had a relationship in over 10 years and I have no kids either. I could probably get a disability for my depression, but I haven't tried to put in for one before. I have no impressive accomplishments either. That's why I sometimes feel so totally useless.

spondiferous · Aug 02, 2013, 05:45 PM

A bachelor's doesn't get anyone anywhere anymore. I was helping my friend, who just finished her BSW, look for jobs yesterday. Basic front-line entry work requires a freakin' MSW. And the pay is humiliating for that amount of education, time and money spent. This world ****ing depresses me.
I am in the same boat as you right now, tokiwartooth. Normally I am okay, just kind of meandering through life but right now I'm trying to choose a direction and all I can do is be bitter about the wasted years (I'm 34, graduated high school with honors 17 years ago). Now I'm heading into some kind of episode - I feel like it's depression; I've been cancelling all my plans for all of next week so I can stay home because I can't bring myself to go anywhere or be around anyone - and it's all just making it seem so much bigger and more confusing and immediate than it actually is.
I'm torn between something I love - which would require pursuing a degree - or something that may be okay, and could be really enjoyable and rewarding if I got the right job (which I have no idea what the odds of that are) but will pay crappily even if I do go all the way to a bachelor's with it. I'd have to get a master's or PhD.
At the same time I feel like the world is spinning out of control, and I'm feeling more and more paralyzed. I know it doesn't help to focus on things I can't change, and yet it seems to be the only thing I can focus on lately.
I hope you get through this, that it passes for you, as for us all.

tokiwartooth · Aug 05, 2013, 08:31 AM

You do sound like me. I'm 30 and I graduated with honors from high school 12 years ago. I am so bitter about all the wasted years as well, and I could go back and get a master's degree, but I'm not going to because I know that I wouldn't be able to do it. I tried to stick it out but it just didn't work. I know I'm not the only one who didn't get a master's or higher in my class, and I know I'm lucky to be employed because I know people who graduated with me who are either unemployed or working in another field. But that doesn't get rid of the bitter feelings and feelings of regret. Now I love the job I have now, but the pay is bad and I barely make enough to make ends meet each month, sometimes I have to forfeit one bill to pay another, and I often times have to borrow money from mom to get me gas or groceries. But I should be getting a raise at the end of this month. I hope it's an amount that will help me cover the cost of my bills. I feel the same way about my world, even when I'm in a good mood, and even though I know my situation is not bad, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I try to focus on things I can change but I get so overwhelmed that I end up burning out. I hope you do find something enjoyable, I know I enjoy my job, but the pay is crappy. At least I have enough to live on my own. My last job was only part time and barely above minimum wage and I had to live at home because I couldn't afford to live on my own. I certainly do feel thankful that I have a full-time job now and I am salaried, but the salary is only a little above poverty level. Oh well, beggars can't be choosers. I should stop complaining.

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