[amisufferingorweak?]

I'm writing this in depression section because the stories here seem closest to what I feel. Perhaps I'm just being weak and fussy, I'm not sure anymore.
Most of the time I do not feel strong emotions. I have a sort of underlying emotional state of sadness or perhaps disappointment but my actual feelings (like happiness or enjoyment or laughter) are fleeting. I can still laugh but it feels hollow and I feel strange and kind of confused when the feeling stops because then I am empty when I expect to feel satisfaction or happiness but I'm still feel sad and don't know why. It's kind of like when I was younger and I'd love the beach but once I stopped playing I'd feel sad and lonely because their were hundreds of people there and everyone was in an isolated bubble with just a few of them ( That particular situation is not part of my question but more an attempt to explain the hollow emotions). I hate myself , I think. I know that these thoughts relating to self criticism are to be expected but they feel elevated and I am now preoccupied by them and cannot control them. I feel scared to ask for anything because I don't deserve anything ( that sounds like a good thing but It causes problems at school with asking for help, paper , leave for necessary planned things like dentists, other lessons etc) It really fills me with this fear.I also feel inadequate. I feel that I am a dissapointment to everyone and mostly to myself. I fail at exams ( I actually get A's but I still feel like I'm stupid and can't convince myself otherwise) Should anyone in the vicinity laugh or whisper, I am sure that they are making fun of me. The thing that really scares me is that I feel everyone was better without me. I'm not posting about suicide per se because I am held back by fear and weakness but I often think that I am scared to go back and so the only way to remove myself from people's lives is to remove myself from my own. Sometimes this comes with bursts of emotion other times I just think ' why not?, you won't be missing anything' Finally, I often fantasize ( not sexually but like a compulsion or even ambition) about suffering. I want horrible things to happen to me. Sometimes so that I feel something but I also feel that I deserve it. I realize that it is wrong to wish the horrors that some real people must face upon myself but I can't stop it. But I'm 15 so maybe I'm overreacting and this is all normal.
If you have done, then thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it.

[Vossie42]

Being a teenager is rough, but that doesn't mean you have to continue to suffer as you have been. Now is good time to get help and get your thinking straightened out. You're not a disappointment. People would not be better without you. They would miss you. They may be surprised to find out you feel the way you do. People can be so good at covering up depression. Can you talk to your parents about how you feel? Do you have any friends you're close enough to to talk with? If not, how about a school guidance counselor or pastor (if you're religious). I felt the same way as a teen as you do now. I just wish I hadn't tried to handle everything on my own. That just made things so much more difficult for me. I urge you to reach out and get help. You don't have to handle this alone.

You deserve everything good that comes your way and that you work for. Everyone has positive worth.

[bharani1008]

I totally agree with Vossie42. Everything he said is correct. Almost everything you described can be symptoms of depression. It's tricky because your mind will use logic to prove that you are worthless. This is a disease. Please read some of the information at the top of this forum so you can identify the feelings you have that are related to depression. You see, those bad thoughts and feelings are not the truth. They can be caused by a genetic susceptibility to depression. I was astonished when my pdoc explained that the symptoms I believed to be the truth about me turned out to just be symptoms! That in itself was helpful for me to get in control a bit. I still need medication and there's nothing wrong with that. Other diseases need medication to. If you can get to talk to a therapist then do that also. It will help you clear your mind and sort out your feelings.
Please see someone soon and continue to post here and let us know how you are doing.
I hope you feel better soon You can feel better with help.

[amisufferingorweak?]

Thank you for the replies.
I want to take it on board but I just can't convince myself to. I have nothing bad in my life and every teenager goes through tough feelings and I just don't believe that I can be anything other than pathetic and whiny. Except part of me believes something is wrong because I posted the question. I just don't know what's going on anymore. I'm really sorry, I know I'm just talking this around in circles but that is what my thought process does. I want to get help so bad but I feel like they'll either call me a freak or perhaps even scarier tell me it's normal. Normal seems good but if this is normal then I can't get help or treatment and It'll have to be like this forever. So I want to be okay but at the same time I kinda want to have a problem. Is that bad of me? It sounds like such an awful thing to say. I don't want to see a school counselor because I don't think we have a trained counselor and the only woman who does anything like it is the one that helps the children with special needs. I've nothing against those children but If I go to her I'll be bullied for it. Also she patronizes me all the time ( she works as an assistant in lessons too) . Sorry, I'm droning on.My final problem I have with going to her is that her daughter used to bully me. I know that people aren't their offspring but if by some miracle i got a proper trained session then I would not feel comfortable telling her about the past. I guess I could see one outside of school but wouldn't I have to see a GP first? I'm terrified of the doctors and would probably need to talk to someone just to persuade me to go there so I can get told to talk to some one. Did that make sense? I don't know. Anyway, thanks for the replies they were really helpful.

[jmd7c9]

Getting help or talking to a professional doesn't make you weak or weird or different. Trust me, I'm 28 and I've dealt with feeling this way for a long time and the longer you let it go, the harder it is to deal with because more and more keeps piling up. I waited too long before seeking help and I still have feelings of emptiness, loneliness, sadness, dissatisfaction with myself in everything that I do, I feel like I'm not good enough, I show no emotions, I don't laugh or smile anymore ... I feel trapped and hopeless right this very second. I feel like everyone around me has it so much better and they have no worries and I feel like a zombie. Don't wait too long like I did. Life is too short to spend it feeling like this.

[Vossie42]

I think this hotline number would be helpful to you:

Adolescent Crisis Intervention & Counseling Nineline
1-800-999-9999

It is not a suicide prevention line. That's a different number. The following website lists a bunch of hotline numbers: Mental Health Hotline Numbers and Referral Resources - HealthyPlace

[amisufferingorweak?]

Maybe I'll call a hotline. I just don't feel ready yet.I just don't know what I'm doing anymore.I can't control my thoughts and I think I'm becoming something even worse 'i was thinking about the posts on tumblr that say '**** you if you think sadness is beautiful'. Don't get me wrong, I don't think sadness is beautiful.I hate the way I think and feel. But I don't want to express it all in it's raw ugly form.I want to sculpt it into something that people won't shy away from.I want to create something that is real enough to make people think but restrained enough to keep them there long enough to think it.To cut the crap short I like writing.I'm embarrassed about it.I'm ashamed but I love poetry.I don't show anyone but writing poems helps me and It relieves me.To me this poetry that stems from sadness is beautiful.It's comforting and relieving and It feels like someone else wrote it.like I have a friend in the words.I also just love words.Words can be abused and used to hurt but in it's correct form language is beautiful. Does that make me some kind of hateful fraudster? is that what they mean? I don't know what anything means anymore.I don't know what I really think.I feel like I can't acsess my normal emotions and so I'm stuck with these uncontrollable feelings that someone thrust on me and I can't tell anyone because it's all unreal and wrong and confusing but I can't snap out of it.I can't stop myself thinking it and act normal.I feel like I should be happy but I'm stuck suffocating under a blanket that the world threw over me but I'm so scared and unable to let go that I'm pulling the blanket down myself.I want to stop suffocating myself I feel like I don't need our want to be this way but I've lost the ability to stop.Us this what everyone hates? Isit another reason tho hate myself? I'm just a whiny teenager but it's compulsive.how do I make it stop? I'm do ****ing selfish and narcissistic.I try to imagine a future for myself (it's hard) where everyone likes me..where I'm skilled and clever and confident.but their half dreams. It's like I can only achieve a birds eye view of someone else managing greatness.The physical form I see is an improved version of mine but the person isn't me.I'll never be them.I don't have the necessary greatness and good qualities.They're what younger me thought teenage me would be but there a stranger. yet still I'm selfishly hankering for love and appreciation like an arrogant bastard.Sometimes I think the only way for it all to relent, to be less hated is if I had sympathy.It's such and wrong but I wish I could show them all.make them care.make them see what they did.but then I stop myself.I'm overreacting.being a selfish spoilt brat that can't handle being a teenager.but I can't stop feeling it.I can't control the miserable ***** I'm becoming and that's partly why I want to leave. I wouldn't be missing anything, everyone would be happier, I'd stop being a whiny ***** and all it would take would be a few pained lungfuls of water or a few minutes of feeling metal echo through my skull.
sorry,i feel do selfish and pathetic sending this but I don't know what to do and I'm beginning to want out more and more.

[bharani1008]

There are a couple of social clubs relating to writing and the arts. You may enjoy belonging to them. People are pretty nice on this site and I think you will feel safe there.
Hope you feel better soon.