Hello

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say i hope you're all okay.... and well, kinda selfishly stay in contact with you all, if that's okay? I'm in India now, and i'm feeling alittle lost and down at the moment, i mean not bad, but i need a link - i hope you understand this. I feel pathetic for retreating inwards when i'm in a most amazing country and luckly i'm so busy i don't have any time to just sit and stare into space but i feel as if i'm sinking into myself which is making things quite hard.
I'm sorry about this, for feeling sorry for myself, i'm a selfish person. You don't have to reply (well what could you say if you wanted to write something!?) but i needed to communicate with people that understand.
Thanks for reading this.
Lots of love Abby

>>well what could you say if you wanted to write something!?

Well, we could say HELLO! And good to hear from you!

And that we hope you keep posting and reading, because if we are offering a connection to something known and helpful to you, well, that's what we're here for!

Glad you made the trip safely, and I hope you find some time and comfort to enjoy your surroundings. If keeping busy is helping you cope then that's a good thing.

Keep letting us know how you are doing, we all care about you.

-- The world is what we make of it --
-- Dave
-- <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.idexter.com>http://www.idexter.com</A>

sweete you are not selfish.. just lonely..

and man tell us about India, I have never been there what is like being over there.

It is a pretty country..
I would love to see pic of where you are staying and so forth. if you feel up to it..

Come on.. Show us how pretty it is

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Hi - thank you so much for your replies, you don't know how much they mean to me, to feel a connection with something again. I'm feeling alittle better now thankfully, keeping quiet until it totally passes. With my mood swings you can never tell what i'll be feeling from one minute to the next so often it's best just to sit and wait.
I will tell you alittle about India, if you like. It is a contrasting country. It can be beautiful and quaint with women dressed in exquisite sari's and magical temples but it can also be very claustrophobic with the pollution from the chaotic traffic and the amount of rubbish laying around. Sometimes all these things add to the charm of India, making it a amazing country but at others (when you are jam-packed into a tiny dirty bus which is doing 50mph and then braking to a stop with just as much excessive speed), it can be very irritating and sore!
It is definately an experience though.
Thankyou again for the replies - you made me smile for the first time in awhile and gave me some strength to cope once more.
Love Abby

Abby,

Thank-you for checking in! I always love to hear from you. And I have a feeling that you are never selfish. Truly selfish people are so focused on getting what they want, that they don't stop to think that they might be selfish.

I'd love to hear more about India. I used to work with exchange students, and I placed a girl from India, but then never got to meet her because I moved and someone else took over working with my students that had not arrived yet when I left the area. It was really disappointing not to be able to meet her. I really enjoy learning about cultures and faraway places.

you paint a very pretty picture of Inida...

I have always wanted to travell. Is it your job that gives you the chance to travel or something else..

I think it would be neat to be in so many differnt places and expercine so mnay new things..

What is your fav food that youhave experinced while over there????
Tell me as much as you wish.. so I can keep yousmiling..

That is my goal.. To put a smile on your face
Did it work???

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Hi, thank you again for your replies, you may think me strange for coming on so often when i should be experiencing many new things but just coming on for 10minutes can help me through the whole day! And yes, you did make me smile - again! thanks.
I'm on a gap year between school and University and i decided to travel to India to gain more independence and to experience life outside England. I'm volunteering at a school for children with disabliities which can be difficult but also extremely rewarding when you see them smiling after managing to count to 5 for the first time. It puts things into perspecitve to say the least - that's why i am selfish.
The best food, mmm.... that's difficult as all the food i've had here is quite bland. Wierd i know, but it is quite unsafe to eat meat and because of the bird virus chicken is out of the question, so there isn't as much Tikka Masala as chickpeas and lentils etc. It's all ediable but i do crave Pasta at times!
Oh, and if you ever wanted to know what it's like to be famous coming here would give you a fair idea! You get stared at constantly and people come up quite randomly to say hello and practise their English. It's all very bizzare, for example, being told you have beautiful eyes and are very sweet by a giggling girl at a museum is not exactly a regular occurence back home, not that i mind too much! =)
Thanks again for your interest, i look forward to the connection with people that understand me and do not pressure me to feel one way or another but accept me when i feel bad.
Lots of love Abby

well it sounds like you are trying to make the best of a sitution that you do not want to be in..

If you dont want to be over there, why not come back home???OR I mean go back home ???

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Hi, i can't go back home because everyone expects me to change and get over all of this - that this experience will change me and "be the making of me". I can't disappoint people, and i know it doesn't matter where i am it won't change anything. Thats the crappy thing about all of this, i thought this trip would allow me the chance to leave myself behind, but oh no, no matter where i am or what i'm doing i have to put up with me! I'm sure i'd be having a great time if i didn't have to bring me along all the time. I have this weight that i seem to be constantly heaving around, not allowing me the chance to really throw myself into things. And i know i'll regret not being able to do that, like i regret half of what i've not be able to really appreciate and enjoy in my life. I feel as if i'm always waiting for something to be different, something that will snap me out of myself, allow me to leave this crappy person behind.
Although i know i don't deserve to feel like this, i can't help feeling so lonely and stranded - and that it doesn't matter where i am because it's me not everyone else/anything else and to tell you the truth that's the saddest thing to accept. There is no big thing that will suddenly make life better.
Wow, i've moaned on for along time, sorry about that! I'm too proud to go home to tell you the truth, i'd much rather count the days and then pretend everything was almost fine and dandy than tell everyone what i really went through - noone wants to hear my moanings when i have so many good things going for me. But i'm afraid i've got to get it off my chest so you guys get the brunt of it. =)
I making a bigger deal out of this than it is, i.............oh well, it'll be fine. I over-analyse way to much so i'll shut up now.
thanks of listening.
Abby

You can come on here and vent all you want.. .

That is what we are here for..

I do feel some of what you are saying comes from something that has happend.. Would you be willing to talka bout why you think of your self as a thrid person??

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Abby,

I think that realizing that you can't leave yourself behind is a good step forward. No, you can't escape from yourself, so that's one approach that isn't going to be useful. Knowing that, where can you go from there?

What do you feel that the weight you are dragging around with you might be? How could you let go of that weight, and just be you without that excess baggage?

You are a really neat person. I'd enjoy being around you. There may not be something big and magical that is suddenly going to make everything wonderful. Building self-esteem and learning to enjoy life is a more gradual process than that. You'll get there. Any time you need someone to talk to, you know where to find us.

HI thanks you guys you're all so nice to me. I'm really scared of giving all of you the wrong idea. You seem to think i'm a really nice person, and i'm not really, i'm okay, but i am not anything above average! Maybe its because i take time to think about what i'm writing, if you were talking to me you'd probably get a surprise!
I'm not sure what you mean by third person. But i suppose i talk about there being two parts of me, me and......me (but the horrible side) because i'm so confused about everything. About how i feel about things, about how i can change emotions so easily depending upon the person and the situation, i don't think i really know who and what i am. I guess, i don't know, mmm....maybe its because i've always been told what i am, logical, practical, geeky, individual, different. But although all these things are true, i'm unsure if its me. Maybe i've pretended to be all these things to make others happy. But that's silly because i am all these things that people describe me as. I feel as if there is a real me, that is hidden in there and then all these other layers of me, depending on who i'm talking to etc. But then i know thats common as well, to adjust personalities to different situations, so.....i'm clueless to tell you the truth!
I think this weight i carry around is the reserved side of me. I'm not loud or anything like that but then on the other hand at times i am very confident and my friends always say how sure i am of everything. I'm not sure though, maybe i'm scared of revealing myself (which self i'm unsure too!), i'd love to let everything go but ever since i can remember i've never been actually able to do that, be out of control. I'm 18, but i'm not 18. I always thought i didn't do crazy things because i was a girly girl, but i'm not particually now.
So basically after all this psycho analysis (what did i say before!) i haven't got a clue why i feel like this. If you have any ideas, i welcome them with open arms.
Love Abby

I don't always make a lot of sense ... but I can give good {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care,
Fuzzy

And good advice too, Fuzzy

(((((((((((((((((((( Fuzzy ))))))))))))))


DE

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

Hello Abby, I have a close friend in India right now? I wonder were abouts you are? It is natural to feel the way you are. You must be so homesick. From what I here it is quite a culture shock. You are just taking it all in and realizing totally new things. You will look back on this as a great experience. It is just very overwhelming to you right now. My friends stories are overwhelming to me. Good Luck. Amiee

I agree with Aimee - When I was 20, I lived in Martinique (carribean island in the French West Indies). I knew hardly anyone, didn't speak the language that well, etc. I was terrified getting on that plane down there but also really excited.

That was one of the best times of my life - my French improved, my self-confidence improved, etc. Now I want to go back and visit the family I stayed with and have them meet my fiance and everything - they were such a great couple.

I'm jealous that you got to go to India - I really, really want to go there. This trip will teach you a lot more about what you're capable of and I think it shows tremendous courage to jump straight into another culture - I wish I could be there, too!

Anna

some of it's magic
some of it's tragic
but i had a good life all the way......
~jimmy buffett

Hi everyone, thanks for your support and good advice. Yes Ozzie, i think you are right about this "me" thing, i just need to give myself a chance not to have to be perfect and just accept that side of me. Trying to.
Thanks Amiee and FearsomeAnna, you're right this trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity, on an up at the mo. so i can totally see that and am going to try many different things, so that when i go back i can see the difference in me. I think already i'm more confident in doing practical things like getting trains, and booking trips to places - which i'm quite proud of. I'm in Calcutta at the mo., it's in the north east of India, i was hoping being in the north i wouldn't be swelteringly hot, how wrong was i!!
Fuzzybear, sometimes a hug can say a thousand words so i really appreciate both the bear hug and the support!!
Thankyou all for listening and reading.
lots of love Abby