My life story....Part 1....Pathetic

So I was advised to break this up into paragraphs and even threads. I have decided to make 2 threads about my pathetic life: general depression and later the relationships part, which is where I am trapped. So if you will all forgive me for the long and boring post, here we go...

I am disabled, in a wheelchair, and I am sure this affects my decisions and my life, though I like to think it does not. My whole life I was never accepted, even by family. I was treated as the poor crippled boy at home and the retard at school. I rarely had friends, though grade 12 when I actually did was perhaps the best year of my life. I did not have a real girlfriend until I was 27 (you read that right). She is from Taiwan and was studying for her PhD here in Canada. I used to tutor ESL to international students, first for money, then for some sense of belonging and self worth. And yes, I did meet my gf through tutoring (I know, so bad).
I have received a disability pension since I was 19 (I am now 34) and it is 1 of the things that makes me so deeply depressed. I feel that although I have a disability, I should be making my own money, not relying on the government for my whole life. I have worked a few jobs, though none longer than 14 months. I graduated with a Communications degree 2 years ago and found that 14-month job pretty quickly, thought it was my gf who sent me the job ad. She is also the reason I went to college, because she did not want to be with a man who had no ambition or direction. Looking back, I am incredibly grateful she pushed me and I see college as one of the bright points in my life. I was laid off from my dream job in February after only 6 months. The company was bought out and half my team was laid off, so I don’t blame myself, but it still gets me down.
I have been seeing a psychologist for a couple months and I do feel that I make progress with him while I am there, and I have managed to make some changes outside his office, such as emailing a former editing client (my newest attempt at being self-reliant) to ask for payment of a LONG overdue bill. I know she will not pay me and she in fact never replied to my email. I felt happy, however, that I took this step (wheelchair humour there), to ask for what I am owed. I now am at peace with this issue. I have a very bad habit of letting people walk all over me, as will be very apparent later in my pathetic story.
I think my biggest problem in life is I am not where I believe I should be. I look around me and see my family and friends (all 2 of them) being successful, taking chances, being HAPPY. This problem is connected to the relationships I have. My family still sees me as that little crippled boy who should be pitied and cared for. When I go out with my brothers, they often treat me. I am grateful, but I also hate this. I know I don’t have much money and they do, but each time they pay, it decreases my self worth. My dad gives me monthly cheques to help me buy transit passes. He makes this sound less pitiful by saying it is my inheritance in advance. What really bothers me is when he and my one brother say things like, "I am so proud of you! You graduated from college and are working (or looking for work)! We never expected you to amount to anything!" Umm…..thanks guys?

Congratulations on getting your college degree. Sounds like you have been through a lot during your life and it can't be easy living with a disability. I'm so your family cannot see the progress you have made in your life to try and be independent. It seems your family wants to be supportive but don't know how. They don't realize you have grown up and need to be treated as an adult not like a helpless child. It is hard to change other peoples views, but as you continue to assert yourself and stand up for yourself more. I think they will see the change, but it may take a while. They seem to love you and that is what is important for you to realize they do things for you because they love you. Accept gracefully.
Gayle

Sounds like you are carrying around a heavy load. I'm really sorry this is making you feel so sad. At least you have discovered PC and people who can appreciate your situation.
First let me say that I've never had to deal with a physical handicap nor have I been close to anyone who was. So what I say may not be very useful.
That said I think we all more or less want the same things.
IMO the first thing you need to deal with is financial independence. That is incredibly empowering for anyone. You know how to learn-- you've proved that already. So now you need to put all your energy into finding what kinds of work are paying in this economy and get retooled if that is necessary. ESL has some wonderful opportunities.
Next you can find areas in which you can be the giver. You are articulate. There are volunteer hotlines which need people. You could be a volunteer tutor to kids too poor to hire one. There are many areas which could gladly use you.
I've never been able to make friends and I still can't but I volunteer as a reading tuor at my grandkids school and try to get kids to do their homework. It wears me out and makes me feel useful. It's a good feeling.
I hope you find the inspiration you need.

Thanks for the replies. The reason I have not "gone off" on family members is because in a sick way I know they mean well. But it is so damn frustrating to receive backhanded compliments again and again.

Another part of the story is that this is my foster family. I was given up for adoption at 7 weeks and this is the only family I know. I am thankful they took me in and cared for me my whole life, though they were never financially able to adopt me. I actually left this family for a year when I just could not work things out with my mom. I realized my mistake and tried to mend the bridges.

But in a sick way, I wish I never had. I selfishly think my life would be much better and easier if I had not reunited with them, because then I would have fewer people to disappoint and stress me out.

I know what I need to do to change, but I cannot seem to kick myself in the butt to make the change. I desperately want to work and even move to start a new life somewhere. I actually did look at the city where one of my only friends lives, but it is just so expensive to live there. I have no employment, beyond a bit of freelancing I do, and that, along with my pension, is simply not enough.

I think (actually I know) that because of my past I cannot allow myself to see a future, so I tend to tread water, never moving forward. I know I am feeling sorry for myself, but I think if people saw the real me, they would be so disgusted, they would never speak to me again. And I am ashamed to say that is oddly appealing.

Thanks for the kind words

I have considered doing the ESL thing full-time but I have 0 confidence to actually do it. I think over and over about all the things that could go wrong. Many years ago I started and never finished a certification program that could have opened up opportunities overseas. My family does not know I ditched it halfway through, so I never talk about it.

I feel the same way.
Your burdens are heavy, and your ideas about and experiences with them make them even heavier. I hope you get some encouragement here. You have already made progress by daring to do various things (college, gf, teaching, job). You can get another job, I expect.

I don't think getting involved with someone you were tutoring is so bad - you are both adults and you are not a professional teacher. I was shocked when one of my co-workers got involved with a former student (again, all adults), but apparently it's fairly common in adult education from what I can see.

I bet you could teach ESL. It's what I used to teach, by the way. Considering overseas work, having a disability is an even bigger problem than here in North America. If you teach in Asia, labour standards are much poorer and there seems to be more bias on one's appearance and physical fitness. A physical disability would pose a considerable barrier. Perhaps you could teach in a North American market, though?

I understand that feeling. It's like I don't care enough to feel better, or to end it all. My apathy for life is what is holding me back from being happy. I know there are ways to make myself feel better, but I just can't care enough to do them.

I do try to accept their help, but it always seems like it is being held over me. I may be wrong, but that is just how I feel and it drives me a bit batty.

Hmmm....I had not realized that I HAD dared to do new things. Guess sometimes it takes an outside perspective to make me see things for what they are

I would really like to be in Asia. I went to Taiwan to visit my gf (ex?) in February and although we fought everyday (literally), I was so happy there. I love the idea of absolutely nobody knowing who I am. And while it was not super accessible compared to Canada, I was actually surprised at how they are trying. And when things were not accessible, the people were so darn friendly, asking me how they can help. I felt so free there and was quite depressed when I got home.

I do understand the potential problems, but I want to try (even though I doubt I ever will).

Oh, yes, Taiwanese people are particularly friendly. They were distinctly the most friendly and sociable of the Asian groups I worked with - Japanese, Mainland Chinese from various areas, Korean. Since you've already done it once and loved it, sounds like it's definitely worth a shot.

You and me both. I just cannot find the motivation to change my life and when I got drunk and contemplated suicide recently, I could not even accomplish that. There is a sick joke in there somewhere.