[cloudchaser_21]

Hi, I'm not exactly sure how to begin posting so I thought I would introduce myself first. I've been lurking around here for a while and finally got up the nerve. I don't know how much to share. I'm a female, 21, and sought out a website like this because it's been almost two years since I last remember being me. I know I can't officially declare myself depressed (little thing missing called a degree) but I've read enough books and talked to enough people to recognize symptoms in myself. I've been able to handle it up until now. Now I just don't know what to do and can't afford to seek professional help.

I don't recognize me or my life anymore. Thirteen months ago I was doing okay, I had bouts of "depression" stemming from the fallout of a relationship and a physical attack in the summer of '02 but I was able to handle it. I was single, I had a great full-time job, I was going to college full-time, I had my own place, I was independent and making my own way. Ever since I was laid off after the business closed, however, things have just seemed to go downhill. Now I'm only working part-time, I'm married (still not quite sure how that happened if you can believe it), and I'm not in college anymore because I have enough trouble making the bills now, no way can I afford tuition.

I just feel like the world's biggest loser because I can't even find a decent full-time job. All of my friends are going to college and I don't know if I will ever get to return when college is the one thing I have always dreamed about. I was the first person in my family to start college, I wanted to be the first to finish too. I just feel...stalled. Every day is the same and I'm not working towards something, I'm just punching the clock in hopes of putting a dent in our bills.

I've only been married for four months. I know I got married too fast and too young. I had doubts before the marriage but everytime I put voice to them I got told it was only coldfeet and everything would be fine. It's not, but that's a whole other story. I love my husband but he has no ambition so he couldn't care less about mine. Whenever I try to talk to him about college or the future in general he just gives me the proverbial pat on the head. I feel like a cliche saying my husband doesn't listen to me but he doesn't. There is no one else I can talk to. The few friends I have are busy with their own lives and my parents...ha.

Lately...lately everything has been taking it's toll on my physically as well. I can't eat anymore and I used to love food. I've lost 10 pounds in a month. I either can't sleep or can't get enough sleep. I don't have any energy. I used to be big into photography. Not only was it my major in college but I have been taking pictures since I was three-years-old. I wouldn't go anywhere without my camera. I loved just taking it out and going for a walk in the woods or around the neighborhood. Now, I can't remember the last time I held my camera. I've also been having chest pains that a doctor I saw for an annual checkup at a women's clinic said were anxiety attacks and just told me to start relaxing and taking it easy. I've also been thinking about "ways out" but don't think I'm of any real danger to myself because I would have done it sooner. I'm too big of a coward to follow through on something like that.

Wow, I really didn't mean to type so much but I guess I needed to get some of that off my chest. I just hate feeling this way...I thought it might help to hear from others who may feel the same and how you are dealing with it, maybe get advice it anyone has some to share . If you got this far, thank you for reading.

Have a good week, everyone.

[SundaysChild]

Cloudchaser, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. You're obviously not happy with some decisions you've made. We all make mistakes. There's many things you can find a "way out" of long before you try what you were talking about! You can start with finding a "way out" of your depression/anxiety. If your present doctor doesn't listen to you, find one that does. You'd be surprised at the difference the proper anti-depressant can do for you!

Another thing to remember is that Depression and Anxiety lie to you! Things aren't as they seem when you're looking through those filters! That's a promise.

Hang in there. We've all been where you are. Some of us still are trying to find that "way out."


"It's not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived."

[downgrey]

Hey Cloudchaser.

I'm new here too & saw a lot in your post that I feel as well. I think it's been about 2 years since I've been me as well, and I've also been searching online for help/advice/information & finally am taking a few steps towards getting more help. It's really hard!!

I am also concerned about being able to afford proffessional help. Do you have insurance? That can help some, And even if you don't, I think it's worth it to scrape up some money for at least as much help as you can get... Because if your in a real depression, and don't get help, that only makes it that much harder. This coming from someone who hasn't gone for help yet either...lol. But seriously, what I keep thinking is that yeah, this is going to be a strain for me to afford treatment-but if I DON'T, then I'm going to STAY stalled, stuck, depressed....and then I REALLY won't go anywhere!!

One more thought before I go, you mentioned going to the women's clinic... While it seems that they *did* kind of blow you off, do you think that maybe if you persisted there would be help to be found there? Let them know that it's not as simple as just "relaxing" and that you really need help. That you are ASKING them for HELP.

Anyway, I wish you all the best from one newcomer to another...

[(JD)]

welcome. My postings are usually not what everyone else has said, so don't think i'm totally off the wall!

You don't need a degree to decide you are depressed. Anytime you can do nothing but compare yourself to others and dig deeper into the darkness, well, I think that's depression.

Have you thought about getting out of the marriage? I have often talked with people who wished someone would have suggested, or given them permission, to end the young marriage. Trying to salvage something that wasn't well thought out just doesn't work. I am sure those who are religious will disagree, but why wait a few years in misery and THEN get out? We all make mistakes. Few of us are able to identify them and correct them.

Before you consider ways out of life, take the hard steps to find a way out of the life you're in, and into another life. good wishes

<font color=green>...I can misspeak like the best of us</font color=green>

[adieuolivaw]

In your vulnerable position --- I would say protect yourself and gain all the advantage you can.

To me that would mean making sure you don't have children.

That would mean getting antidepressants from a primary doctor so that you can still answer "no" to any job application which asks if you have ever seen a psychologist or psychiatrist.

That would mean, when you are feeling stronger, obtaining full-time employment, because you need to be self-supporting.

That would mean, after you have had your new job for a year, both more self-respect and a new respect from your husband. At that time I would TELL him that you are going to enroll in night school (Jr. College) with a degree in mind.

When you have your AA, TELL him that you are going to start night classes at University (paying for it yourself, of course).

50-50 DURING THE MARRIAGE --- Make sure that you pay your way (1/2 of the bills, 1/2 of the mortgage, etc.) Make sure that you each pay your own car payment.

UPSCALING: If he wants a better place to live, more furniture, better car, tell him that you can't afford it. Tell him that you're a student and that you have to economize. If he wants luxuries instead of an education for himself, that's all right with you. However, he needs to pay for them himself, just as you're paying for your own education.

MY PREDICATION: Somewhere along the way you two will discover whether you are suited for each other or not. That will take care of itself. Be sure to ignore what inlaws, yours or his, may say about your choices or about your decision not to have children. If you follow the above advice, I think you will be in the best possible position to either divorce or continue the marriage. If you choose to keep the marriage, I think your husband will have to deal with you as an equal. He will have to negotiate with you about what BOTH of you choose to do with your lives from that point on.

One word here. It isn't necessary for both of you to have ambition. It IS necessary, however, that you both have respect for each other's choices in life. An honest living is an honest living.

PS: I did not mean to tell you what to do. This is only what I would do if I were in your position. And, believe me, I HAVE been in your position. There is a lot of hope for you, especially if you don't make the mistake of having children in an unstable marriage, as I did. Don't do as I did, do as I say! Just kidding........

Adieu

[Rapunzel]

Hi Cloudchaser,

I understand about not being sure how you ended up married. That happened to me too. I was your age and lonely and lost and insecure, and although those are not good reasons to get married, and I really wanted to prove to myself that I could be independent, I got married. I'm not sure that I was even capable of love at that point. Pretty sure I wasn't, actually. But my husband is a good guy and has encouraged me to develop my interests. It worked out for us (14 years next month).

It sounds like you need to pursue your interests (including college if that is what you want to do). Just tell your husband you need to do it. It doesn't sound like he is against it - just not as supportive as you would like, right?

I have to disagree about just getting a prescription for antidepressants and avoiding therapy. Antidepressants can give you enough of a boost to be able to get on top of things, but they don't address the roots of the depression or anxiety. In the long run you will be better off for dealing with that stuff. Prospective employers are not allowed to ask if you have had psychiatric treatment (and I've never been asked that by an employer), and if they do you do not have to tell them. That is getting to be less of a stigma all the time, as more people realize that lots of people can benefit from mental health care, and getting it makes a person better able to understand and deal with life. And there are reduced price mental health services available. If you ask around, you may be surprised.

There are also some really good books and self-help programs, and they work if you follow through and do the program. I hope you will stick around here and let us get to know you. We are a warm, friendly, supportive family here, and there is always room for one more.