[bronzeowl]

"I wish I could trade places with you"

Really now?

You want to be poor? You want to live in a dump? You do realize I spend all my time feeling empty, too, right? That I often lie in bed in the middle of the night either unable to stop crying or unable to cry even though I want to? And don't get me started on my dental problems that I can't afford to fix. And god knows I can never catch the free truck that drives around because I have a million and one other things I need to do. Don't forget that I successfully pushed most of my friends away years ago, and so now I get to spend every day home alone with a family that would rather pretend my depression doesn't exist. Of course, there's my plethora of other problems. Low self esteem. Poor diet (lack thereof, recently, I should say). Self harm. Social awkwardness that has progressed to anxiety. Gender identity problems (contributes to the low self esteem).

I know depression hurts. I get it. But. Never. Never. NEVER tell someone else who suffers any kind of mental illness that you'd like to be them.

That is a big no-no.

(Obviously not directed at anyone here. Just a small rant. Because heaven knows I'm not confrontational enough to say it to anything other than this white box)

[shortandcute]

...very true....or "I'm the one who's depressed.""I cry all the time too" (as if its a competition)

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by shortandcute

...very true....or "I'm the one who's depressed.""I cry all the time too" (as if its a competition)

I've gotten the first one from my mom. That one does hurt. I never know how to reply to it, either. Because like I said, I know she is. But hearing that one can feel like they don't realize /you/ are, too. Or, like you said, that they think it's a competition.

I admit that I feel like I'm slightly guilty of the second one with this post. I'm sorry to anyone if it does seem that way.

I just mean to say that I know this person is suffering, too. And I would never say that I want to be them because I know it would make them not only wonder why, but feel as though I were belittling their own suffering. Which is exactly how I felt.

[LadyShadow]

I agree its the worst thing to say. I have had people say to me "you have everything, why are you sad?" Which makes me wonder, why is someone's sadness proportional to how much they have or don't have?

My answer to that is exactly what you wrote, don't tell me you would rather be me because you have no idea what I deal with.

So kudos to you!

[bronzeowl]

Which makes me wonder, why is someone's sadness proportional to how much they have or don't have?

Could not agree more. Depression is far more than what you do or do not have. I have battled depression since I was 12. I was depressed when were were lower middle class. I was depressed when we were middle class. I am depressed now that we're poor. I battle it regardless of what I do or do not have. And it hurts no matter what.

But that's exactly it. It's hard to know what anyone else is going through. That expression about walking a mile in someone else's shoes comes to mind..

The best thing to do is not wonder what another person is going through. Nor is it to envy them. I think it is to try to be there for them as best as you can.

[LadyShadow]

Could not agree more. Depression is far more than what you do or do not have. I have battled depression since I was 12. I was depressed when were were lower middle class. I was depressed when we were middle class. I am depressed now that we're poor. I battle it regardless of what I do or do not have. And it hurts no matter what.

This is a good point. I have had jobs, a nice body, everything, but I was miserable anyway. It's not about what you have its about how you feel. I am in a monotonous routine that is bringing down my way of life. I feel myself dying every day, yet I have everything. No one can know or understand that.

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

This is a good point. I have had jobs, a nice body, everything, but I was miserable anyway. It's not about what you have its about how you feel. I am in a monotonous routine that is bringing down my way of life. I feel myself dying every day, yet I have everything. No one can know or understand that.

Exactly.

At the moment, that's all I can think to say. Other than I get the monotonous routine. Waking up to do the same **** thing every single day. And feeling myself dying a little every single day.

Whether I have nothing or everything doesn't matter. I've felt that way for so long.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

Exactly.

At the moment, that's all I can think to say. Other than I get the monotonous routine. Waking up to do the same **** thing every single day. And feeling myself dying a little every single day.

Whether I have nothing or everything doesn't matter. I've felt that way for so long.

Its exactly how I feel. Its the same thing every day. I am getting older and dying every day. My health isn't so great, I need to start taking care of myself, but I kind of don't want to

[bronzeowl]

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

Its exactly how I feel. Its the same thing every day. I am getting older and dying every day. My health isn't so great, I need to start taking care of myself, but I kind of don't want to

Exactly.

Sometimes I find myself thinking I should. But then, I just make excuses. Depression can be a vicious cycle.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

Exactly.

Sometimes I find myself thinking I should. But then, I just make excuses. Depression can be a vicious cycle.

It is! I talk myself out of doing anything that would bring me joy. My life is just one big excuse

[Dianerrs]

This.
Maybe I can relate to how you feel, but I can never fully understand it, in the exact same way that you can't understand how I feel. Not because we're all just misunderstood people, but because our perceptions and situations are just different. The fundamentals may be the same, but the results are not.

The competition ("I'm depressed, too". "I have it way worse than you") bit makes me devalue my own feelings to a serious extent, which isn't healthy. I get that, but I think I might just always feel that I don't deserve to feel the way I do, because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than me.

[bronzeowl]

Yes. While there may be some similarities between you and myself, we are far different. It's hard to understand anyone other than yourself. I've only recently come to realize and accept this. I think depression has had a lot to do with it. Speaking to other people with depression, I start to realize that we're all so different. We can relate to each other, we can understand each other. But we're all different.

It makes me devalue my own emotions and feelings, too. After it was said to me, I wondered for a moment... if I should be depressed. If I should feel like this. Which left me confused. And then angry (I was angry when I posted the initial post, I'm sure the tone shows that). And then... depressed. I, too, know some people have it worse than me. But thinking that depresses me further.

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by bronzeowl

I've gotten the first one from my mom. That one does hurt. I never know how to reply to it, either. Because like I said, I know she is. But hearing that one can feel like they don't realize /you/ are, too. Or, like you said, that they think it's a competition.

I admit that I feel like I'm slightly guilty of the second one with this post. I'm sorry to anyone if it does seem that way.

I just mean to say that I know this person is suffering, too. And I would never say that I want to be them because I know it would make them not only wonder why, but feel as though I were belittling their own suffering. Which is exactly how I felt.

Well, my sister is the one who says that to me--and since I know her, I know that that is how she means it--as a competition. She's very competitive when it comes to her "suffering," and she always wants everyone to know that she has harder than everyone else. But I can see what you're saying--many times people do mean it in a better way, just trying to be understanding.

[venusss]

Originally Posted by Dianerrs

This.

The competition ("I'm depressed, too". "I have it way worse than you") bit makes me devalue my own feelings to a serious extent, which isn't healthy. I get that, but I think I might just always feel that I don't deserve to feel the way I do, because I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than me.

I cannot stand when somebody turns MH into pissing contest or pulls off the "you're not really ill" card. It's not a competition about who's more miserable, screwed up more, tried to off themselves more times, is on more meds with more and worse side effects (if you are miserable on your meds or treatment... it doesn't make you a special effed up snowflake. It may simply mean you have a worse treatment team then the person who seems to be better off).

[A Red Panda]

I hate it when anyone goes "At least you've got X..." I get that it's trying to point out the good things.. but it just invalidates the way that I feel. It's like "Hey, you shouldn't feel this way because you've got X". It just makes me angry and I would like to do "Yes, maybe I have X but it feels meaningless to me right now. Instead I could point out to you how I'm missing A, B, and C to show you that things aren't all balanced out in my life like you seem to think."

[bronzeowl]

The you're not really ill card grates my nerves. It always has.

Yeah, that bothers me, too. So often I hear that "At least you've got X.." line. And I feel the same way when I hear it. That I could point out the other things I'm missing.

[shortandcute]

Yeah, my daughter doesn't think I'm that ill.

[Pridian1973]

I like what you have to share. I think I may have been guilty of believing my problems are bigger than others as I want to be dead every day of my life. I would like to be like many of the mentally ill people I know. I'd like to be like the ones who actually get any help at all. I'm poor, but a veteran, so I have access to "health care" but in more than 10 years of VA Mental Health I am ONLY EXPONENTIALLY WORSE. Personally I think incompetent MHC is FAR WORSE than no treatment at all and I've had a ton of it from psychologists and psychiatrists educated in third world countries and we put these people over the care of veterans whom they have zero respect, compassion, patience, or even a desire to help. Sorry getting off topic. I would like to know that there is someone in this world who at least reports feeling as extreme as I do. I never have. I am an absolute alien on planet earth. I'm miserable and I can't believe humans deny me the right to euthanasia AND refuse to provide any level of relief for my continuous suffering. I feel I'm being tortured by the people who are supposed to help me. They give me nothing to relieve my pain and if I want to relieve my own pain I have to grow the courage to do it myself. If I don't get help soon I will find the courage to help myself. Or I will finally find strength in an Exit Partner.

[unhappy-of-spain]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I hate it when anyone goes "At least you've got X..." I get that it's trying to point out the good things.. but it just invalidates the way that I feel. It's like "Hey, you shouldn't feel this way because you've got X". It just makes me angry ..."

So true. It doesn't matter what good things you have: friends, your health, a nice house, posessions.... What I hear them saying is: "You ungrateful sod for feeling bad when you have all that". And that's a direct hit on my self-esteem.

But then, they are trying to help me. They don't know that I take it negatively, but they are trying to be helpful. That is a good and positive thing which does help me.

I guess what I am wondering is: Is it better to have friends who say stuff like that. Or would I rather they didn't try?

[GailH]

Quit feeling sorry for yourself.

[Seiya]

"you say that as if you're the only one who feels that way."
"you aren't the only one, you know."

Umm.....I never said I'm the only one who feels that way. Stop putting words in my mouth.

[bronzeowl]

I'm really not sure what to say at the moment. I wasn't expecting to see this thread pop up again. Usually threads get buried and never are seen by me again. I just wanted everyone who's replied to know I read the replies.

I really wish people could be more understanding of mental illness. I know it's hard, though. I sometimes (especially lately) feel like I'm part of what is making it hard. Though... maybe that's a part of the illness itself. I don't know. I don't have the patience to evaluate it. But I do wish, at least, that there were more people who knew the right and wrong things to say.

I really hate when they put words in my mouth. I might have been guilty of that once or twice, but I try to catch myself. It can just be.. hard talking to me. And I'm aware of that. When I'm not depressed, I'm extremely irritable. And when I am depressed, nothing seems to comfort me. Sometimes, though, there is more comfort in the silence.