I am not worth anything

Things keep on going downhill here. Got a break this weekend with having a friend in crisis over for the weekend. She needed me right then and I was able to be there for her. It was a hectic, emotional, brought up past stuff, it all and all was an ok weekend tho.

Before having her over I was already on the downward spiral. Even my therapists made comments on how I looked and that was speaking so slowly, and not looking all there, and some other things that were said. I truly feel as if it's time to just give up tho.

I did call my therapist tonight about 10 min ago and told her I am so scared to come see her tomorrow. I didn't tell her the real reason cause didn't want her to worry more then she already does. It's all not worth anyone's worry. She told me that I should come to therapy tomorrow and talk about a plan to find the way up. Told her I would be there but can't promise anything.

The real reason am scared is because I don't want her to send me to hospital. It's been 10 months since last hospitalization and want to make it a year and more. Sometimes I think that maybe the best thing for me and then I think to work and my responsibilities there with the remodel of the building I work it. Its all so hectic....couldn't even get out of bed today and called in sick again. I need to stop doing that.

I just feel of no worth to anyone. I don't belong anywhere. Am only of use at work and then sometimes I can't even do that. What's the point anymore. Really??? why am I still here???

You are here because you make a difference in the world. You might not see it now, but you do.

I could not have said it any better!! And it does make sense that you are feeling pressured by the one year mark. I think your therapist will understand that with no trouble at all. try to give her a chance, that's what she's there for

I went through the same this this past september (my 1 year anniversary of a lovely six day stay in the looney bin)....

It is very stressful. I hope you find PEACE. One day at a time....

This is depression. You are of worth to people, but the illness prevents you from feeling the worth.

Wishing you a way up that doesn't involve things you want to avoid.

thanks everyone for your support.

TRIGGER.......
Not the best person today. Slept with ropes around my neck last night but didn't work. I feel so disgusted of myself. Nervous to even go see T today. Don't need to be put in the hospital cause just wastes money me being there. I am a failure and don't deserve to be here.

Questioning everything right now,
Jen

Is that your dog in the photo?

Understand completely how your feeling especially about the hospital visits. For awhile there I had my name embroidered on my hospital gown and a standing reservation at the local psych-ward.

Rohag is correct it is your depression getting the better of you.

I won't offer any advice but you are wrong about not being worth anything. After all, where would your friend have been this weekend if you had not been around to help.

((( jen29 )))
kebs

You are SOOOOO worthy of all good!!!!

Thanks everyone.

Was my dog, now he lives with someone better.

Had a rough T session. Don't know what else to say. Hope to just sleep the rest of the day away.

Thanks,
jen

The anger comes from no where and just want to get rid of it by beating myself up. Truth is have to work today and then having a friend over till Sunday. She has been going through so much and I am trying to be the best friend I can be with her. Is it starting to affect me? I don't know anymore. It distracts me from my problems for the moments she is here, when she leaves its a heavy burden on my sholders and don't even know what it's from.

SOrry if that made no sense to anyone.
Jen

Today I saw my pdoc and it was a really hard session. He usually spends 30-40 min with me. I told him that am having a lot of trouble with my thoughts and how depressed have been and how work is really stressing me out. I asked him if he could write a doc. note to get out of work for a little while. He didn't want to because I don't have structure when not at work. He thinks I should go into a day treatment program. I really don't want to do that. I don't do good in groups and would have a drive everyday over an hour. I can't afford the gas that would go along with that. I told him I was going to work on a workbook and things like that. He is going to talk to my T to see what her input is on this as well. He did end up giving me a note for tomorrow.

Anyways, Just a little while ago my dad called and told him that I am starting a new med and that have tomorrow off and just catching him up on myself. I have also been having a friend stay sometimes lately as she is homeless and going from one place to another. THis friend and I do have a history and it's not really a good one. We have both changed and tried telling this to my dad. He doesn't buy it and he wants me to have nothing to do with her. He doesn't want me taking time off work and said that I am better off alone. I can understand his worry if that's what it is, and I know there is a past between my friend and I, but he doesn't believe me when I told him things have been going downhill for the last 3 months. He doesn't believe me he thinks it's all because of this friend.

My friend helps me though. She helps me not have to think about my crap. We laugh and I actually get out of myself for a while. Yeah am a person that likes to be alone, and usually do better when am alone. I love my friend a lot and I still do watch what I say when I am around her because I don't want the wrath of her.

I don't know how to feel or what to think about this. Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks for listening and sorry this is so long
jen

Hi
I know maybe you cannot talk about it, but anyway, the bright side of your friend is that she allows you forgetting a bit about your worst thoughts. What is the disadvantage? I mean, do you think that you may regret of having opened your door to her in the future?

Clara, in the past have opened my door to her a few times after we had a major fight or she made me move or something like that, things have been good at first then things go downhill. She has been a bad influence on me in the past. I am older now and know that what I choose is my choice, I am easily manipulated by her and others at time.

I don't know I am just worried about how my family feels mostly.

OK, but now you are aware of her character so you are well equipped. I just wondering if she was that type of friend that somehow gets your self esteem lower, there are people like that everywhere and they are not a good companion, ever

I feel so trapped right now

Thanks for all support
won't have to do it anymore.

Why? are you OK?