I don't feel depressed at all

*POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING*

I really don't feel depressed, but I have no motivation whatsoever, and very little energy. Could I be depressed after all? I've been very depressed for years, but I've felt quite happy in the past few months.

Everything I do that isn't recreation feels like a painfully boring chore. I do productive stuff about 30 minutes of my day or less, and it's awful. I loathe it. On top of this I want to kill myself most of the time, but I am not miserable at all. I do however get bursts of depression that last for a day or so, where I sink so low that I feel it is my duty to kill myself - that I am defying fate by staying alive and that it is a sin.

I am bipolar and medicated, 20 mg Abilify + 200 mg Lamictal + 20 mg Buspirone, and I have some schizophrenic symptoms and a schizotypal diagnosis (ICD, not DSM, so not a personality disorder). I am really confused about this and feel that I need to figure it out. Could it be that I am just lazy and self-pitying? I don't think I am (I used to be a full-time student with top grades), but I don't understand why I am not able to force myself to do more of the things that I don't enjoy. Any ideas or similar experiences? Does this sound like dysthymia?

I think you need to tell all this to your doctor. Sounds like something is going on. However, I don't think any of us enjoy doing the mundane things. But with thoughts of killing yourself your doctor should be the first call you make.

I've had thoughts of killing myself since I was a child, it probably isn't going away any time soon and telling the doctor again won't make a difference. But I appreciate your input!

I know, no-one likes doing mundane things. But I used to be able to do them, now it's a huge battle between my willpower and I every time I need to do something. I'm used to this, but only as a part of my depressions. Now I don't know what's going on, but it's not the normal type of motivation issues. I really struggle with the day-to-day stuff, like walking the dog or even making a simple meal for myself (and I'm not the one who spends more than 5-10 minutes "cooking"). Hope that clarifies the issue a little.

Does anyone else have some input? I appreciate all responses. Anything is welcomed. Thanks!

I think the important question is... have these suicidal thoughts been more frequent as of late? If the answer is yes, it really might be worth bringing up as it could be a side effect of one of the medications or early signs of a depressive episode (in my experience). Another question that your doctor would ask is whether you just think about it or truly consider it.

Honestly, it does sound like episodes I go through. I've always considered them to be depression. I think many people associate depression with feeling deep sorrow constantly. Sometimes, though, it can be apathy. Not wanting to do anything, not caring about things, etc. It could be depression, it could be stress?, it might be a number of things.

I did

:/..

Often my depression just takes the form of total apathy. I am not miserable or sad but I have no interest in doing anything. I just want to stay in bed and watch bad tv. I make myself go to work but am bored and do the minimum I need to to get by.

I too would suggest calling your doctor. it may be med-related, it may be the beginnings of another depressive episode, or it may just be difficulty getting back into the groove of things. But it wouldn't hurt to talk to your doctor about it.

If your dr is already aware of these thoughts, would it be safe, to say, that these thoughts are your 'norm'? And if they are your norm, then does it stand to reason that these chores brought about these thoughts, anyways?

With that said, now, you are having trouble getting motivated, to even cook or take your dog for a walk? Does it sound like a depression starting? sure, why not? Will it, make a difference, in the meds you will need to take???

What do you, usually do, when the everyday tasks, seem mundane?

Oh, thanks for all the replies guys! I feel encouraged now.

Yes, they are the norm. And yes, chores make me think about suicide, especially just thinking about all the things that I need to do (so I try not to). I'm not sure if it will make a difference, that's a good question that I hadn't really thought about (silly as it may sound). I guess I should bring this up with my doctor, even though I can't stand him. I'm getting a new one ASAP.

Since everything feels mundane and painfully boring I usually just don't do any of it. Except the TV and my computer games.

I can really relate to this! Thank you! I do not work, I don't feel that I can or even want to, even if that means it will be the end of my relationship (I can imagine my fiancé could get tired of it eventually).

They have been less frequent, but more intense, if that makes any sense. I have come very close to attempting a few times. I think you're all right and that this does actually sound like a depression. I also thought depression was the deep sorrow and relentless guilt that I've had for years, but I've read that it can take different forms. I will have to tell my doctor that I think I am still depressed, even though I recently told him I am not. I am not feeling a lot of stress, so I don't think it's that.

Again, thanks everyone!!

Did you write about your story anywhere about how you went from full-time student with top grades to this state? Just curious (I'm kinda thinking if we are similar in some ways, tbh)...

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Forget big change, start with a tiny habit: BJ Fogg at TEDxFremont

This really helped me.

Pick a habit you do daily like going the loo. Every time you go the loo you put one item away then say "yay me!" and go back to being lazy. It means you haven´t had a total day of doing nothing. You did something and appreciated yourself for the effort. Pat yourself on the back for any tiny effort you make.

For me it´s smiling. I wanted to know if smiling would really make me feel better like all these studies say it will and after just one day of smiling every time I pee I have to say that I didn´t feel quite so ****** for those moments of the day so it´s an improvement on yesterday!